My crush: does she seem interested?

May 2, 2016

I’m a 27 year old man. I am very busy with many things going on, decently attractive, and have put dating off for a while so I can finish my Bachelor’s degree now that I’ve gone back to school. Even before this dating “hiatus,” I have minimal relationship and dating experience, as I avoided them like the plague in grade school and young adulthood. I have lots to learn about the Ways of the Woman

I have recently met a girl waitressing at a gentlemen's club. She is a cocktail waitress there, not a dancer. She is gorgeous and have a crush on her. I’ve tried to limit myself being locked in on one girl since I’ve started back at college, but shes different. She has a similar college degree as mine, has a day job that I may do after I graduate with my degree, and have similar religious views. I really do like this girl!

I went back to the same establishment primarily because of her. I finally got the courage at the end of the 2nd night to go up to approach her with my attraction towards her. She suggested we go to dinner sometime, and I said YES!, of course!

Problem is: employees there cannot give their numbers out to patrons(Understandably). There are cameras all over the place there as well, so my options were very limited. If I had a pen, I would have written it down somewhere and left it for her... Either way, as I was walking out the door and as everyone was being cleared out, I gave her my name to find on Facebook. She had a hard time hearing me, and has yet to find me on FB.

Fast forward 3 weeks. I went back to the club to try to give her a sheet of paper with my name on it. I was told she transferred to another club within the same company down the street. So the week after, I go to see if she’s there. Lo and behold, she was!

I played it cool, acted like I didn’t see her. Sure enough, she came up to me and remembered my name.She said she tried finding me on Facebook, but didn’t see me anywhere. At the time I believed her, and still do.

I gave her a little piece of paper within some dollar bills when I paid for a drink. She acknowledged it, so I can only assume she held onto it. After spending sometime there being talked to by one of the strippers, I left. (as a sidenote, I bought the stripper a drink from the girl I like… was this a bad move?..)

I went to bed happy, knowing I would hear from the waitress when she got off in the morning or later the next day. As my luck would have it, no such thing happened. That next day was my off day for the week too, with no online homework assignments due that day either. I was a lazy, totally depressed mess and couldn’t make myself get active. All this in spite of me being a gym rat!

Have you ever gone tobed excited, knowing for sure that something great was going to happen for you when you woke up? Well, I had that feeling. I waited all day by my phone as depressed as could be to hear from her, and it didn’t happen. I reached out to a couple friends finally, and they gave me some advice.

Here are some things a couple of things they brought up:

I should have asked for her number, so the ball would be in my court, and I can take the lead as the man in the relationship. (I thought what I did gave the woman less pressure, so that's why I did what I did.)
Go back one more time this Sat, ask for her number and tell her initial plans for a dinner date for a Wed or Thurs.

Now, I turn to you all, here on my first post on LoveShack.org . I love forums like these because it shows how many people have been in the same situation as you. It also shows how caring people can be to one another, even though we start out as complete strangers here.

Please, any assistance and viewpoints would be much appreciated. I haven't liked a girl like this in way too long, and I'm almost regretting that I ever laid eyes on this gorgeous woman. I can't take anymore fully dark and depressed Sundays after trying to get up with her. Being so active in normal situations has made last these couple of Sundays almost unbearable... and my Final Exams are this Thurs and Fri!!

Thank you very much everyone, I look forward to your responses.

-Donnie

Edited May 2, 2016 by PDonnie

May 2, 2016

Let's assume that she's just not interested in you. Let's say she's been required to be friendly with you because that's the nature of her job, but she has no desire to see you outside of the club.

If the above is true, then your behavior could be perceived borderline creepy here. You've followed her to a different club; you've broken protocol by giving her your contact info not once, but twice; and you're not acknowledging that she's chosen not to respond to you.

I'm giving you this worst-case scenario because it's really something you have to consider. Try to imagine how many creeps are asking this girl to go out, and the strategies she's had to come up with for avoiding them. What makes you think you're any different?

I think you've shown her enough interest, and given her enough info, that she can follow through with you if she wants to. No more action is necessary (or appropriate) on your part. It's out of your hands now.

May 3, 2016

I do thank you for the honesty. Not only is it as a worst-case scenario but it may even be the most likely scenario!

I never want to creep a girl out. That's almost one of my worst fears. however I do have to consider that as a possible reality. I do go to that club occasionally anyway so I figure I will go back this Saturday or next Saturday ( the only nights I can go out during the week anyhow ).

Obviously I am really attracted to this girl, so I don't want to leave any what if scenarios flying around in my mind. She's told me to come back both times I've seen her. She could be interested in me or not interested at all, I don't know. Since I most likely will go back this weekend, any more advice?

Edited May 3, 2016 by PDonnie

May 3, 2016

Go to the club, but don't go further than, "Hi, how are you?"

If she is interested, she'll take it from there.

May 3, 2016

Again, I don't think you can ignore the setting here. She works in a gentleman's club. That means, a) she has to put on a show of being flirtatious with men (I realize she's not a dancer, but that's still part of her job) and b) she spends a lot of time swatting off advances from creeps.

Chances are she prefers to keep her dating life OUTSIDE of those clubs, and doesn't take prospects INSIDE the clubs that seriously. In fact, men who show up as repeat visitors to these clubs might lose some stock in her eyes. I'm not saying it's impossible that she'd meet someone she likes at work, but I promise you she's taking everything with a large grain of salt.

You've already shown your interest and given her some concrete ways to reach out with you. Don't get more aggressive with it. All you can do is show up at her club again and hope she shows more interest. But let her take the lead with that.

May 3, 2016

I guess she probably doesn't mix her work with her private life, she could lose her job over it for one thing.

Also, you frequent strip clubs, you talk to strippers, you buy strippers drinks.

I think many women looking for a serious relationship would not want to get too involved there.

I think you have made it very plain your feelings on the subject, so you need to let it go now.

May 3, 2016

Sorry man... This isn't just "tough luck" you're having by not getting her number or having her call you.

First off, if a stripper, or cocktail waitress or w/e wants to give you their number or see you outside of the club, the it is very simple to do so. Despite what you may believe, they don't have some one in a back room at the club monitoring all the cameras inside the place to make sure girls aren't giving out their info or outside business.

Second... Stop following this girl Around like you're friends with her. Tons of guys who goes to these clubs have said and thought the same things you're saying now.

"We really do have a connection. I can tell it's more than just business "

"We have so much in common, I just need to get time with her outside the club"

Get the point?

May 3, 2016

A waitress in a gentleman's club does not want to date a patron, unless he's a high roller willing to be her Sugar Daddy. The line about not being able to give you her phone # is a standard lie waitresses tell customers they want to blow off.

Sorry. You are fishing in the wrong pond. Try to find a nice woman in your classes to date.

May 4, 2016

Sorry man... This isn't just "tough luck" you're having by not getting her number or having her call you.

First off, if a stripper, or cocktail waitress or w/e wants to give you their number or see you outside of the club, the it is very simple to do so. Despite what you may believe, they don't have some one in a back room at the club monitoring all the cameras inside the place to make sure girls aren't giving out their info or outside business.

Second... Stop following this girl Around like you're friends with her. Tons of guys who goes to these clubs have said and thought the same things you're saying now.
"We really do have a connection. I can tell it's more than just business "
"We have so much in common, I just need to get time with her outside the club"
Get the point?

Yes, I definitely get the point. But what you don't get is that they do have a dude watching multiple cameras around the club, and will even yell on them on the microphone to put the phones away at times. He's sitting right at the entrance too. Sadly, I went to these establishments all too frequently several years ago, multiple times a week at one point. Its sad I know some of the ins and outs about it, but it is what it is.

Anyway, thank you for the advice. After thinking about it, and objective but kind advice from you all, I know its quite a long shot for her to be interested in me. Tips and pointers from others help us be more rational regarding emotional matters.

Thanks guys (and guys)

May 4, 2016

The guy watching the cameras is there to make sure the waitresses are working. He could care less about whether they give their phone #s to patrons as long as they don't stop to chat on the phone during work hours.

May 4, 2016

A waitress in a gentleman's club does not want to date a patron, unless he's a high roller willing to be her Sugar Daddy. The line about not being able to give you her phone # is a standard lie waitresses tell customers they want to blow off.

Sorry. You are fishing in the wrong pond. Try to find a nice woman in your classes to date.

True, I do understand. I think maybe if I wasn't so busy working and finishing this Bachelor's degree, maybe I'd have more time to date, think about where and how to find a classy woman, and have more places to go than last-minute ventures to the "gentlemen's club" late on Saturday nights lol...

Thanks for posting!

-Donnie

May 4, 2016

Again, I don't think you can ignore the setting here. She works in a gentleman's club. That means, a) she has to put on a show of being flirtatious with men (I realize she's not a dancer, but that's still part of her job) and b) she spends a lot of time swatting off advances from creeps.

Chances are she prefers to keep her dating life OUTSIDE of those clubs, and doesn't take prospects INSIDE the clubs that seriously. In fact, men who show up as repeat visitors to these clubs might lose some stock in her eyes. I'm not saying it's impossible that she'd meet someone she likes at work, but I promise you she's taking everything with a large grain of salt.

You've already shown your interest and given her some concrete ways to reach out with you. Don't get more aggressive with it. All you can do is show up at her club again and hope she shows more interest. But let her take the lead with that.

I absolutely understand. It's not where women expect to find the most respectable men, first off. I will go back this weekend, but as you all say, I absolutely have to play it cool. Moreover, I should stay away after this weekend for a while... These establishments are money bombs, and it'll help me get over her. She has the ability to get in touch with me if she wants... She has been why I have been going back, obviously. I have a friend that works there, but its mainly for my little "crush" lol... But I'll work it out!

Thank you all

May 4, 2016

Go to the club, but don't go further than, "Hi, how are you?"

If she is interested, she'll take it from there.

I agree... Keep it very casual, make sure the communication isn't all me. And I certainly won't bring up me giving her my # last week. She may bring up on her own for whatever reason. Regardless, I'll find out in a few days.

Thank ya

May 4, 2016

honestly, if she wanted to have found you she would have......

one of the things about working in a gentleman's club aka strip club.....is that women have to appear available....even when they arent.....management prefers it that way.....getting regulars coming to the club is ideal......especially if she relies on tips and money for the house and strippers............i feel this way from her suggesting you come again to the club not out on a date.....

donnivain suggested that you seek dates from your classes and i would suggest the same....good luck.....deb

May 4, 2016

I agree with ya.

The bit that gets me was her asking me to dinner! For whatever reason, that one question has resonated in me and is I believe is the main culprit for holding onto so much hope about her. I don't know why, but its true. As a man, not many women have asked me out to dinner, I've had to do most of the asking in the past. But that one question she asked me sticks out in my mind the most, despite me knowing that my chances with her aren't likely

May 4, 2016

Dude, you seemto have a very anxious mind. I know because it takes one to know one. You get attention from a girl, you get infatuated, and rethink and relive every single word y'all spoke about. Common sense is telling you she is putting on a flirt show with you because it's her job (trust me I've fell in love with a stripper or waitress before even though I knew their motive which was to get in my pockets) but there is always that nagging voice in your head that says "well, she said that and she did this" so of course she is into me. It's so easy to convince yourself that something is there, but when your gut finally gets a word in, reality usually sinks in. Basically what I'm saying is, you want so bad for this girl to be head over heels for you (trust me I get it) that you are convincing yourself that something is there when it's probably not. But that's ok man. Last thing you want to do is tell your future kids that you met their mommy in a strip club.

May 4, 2016

Dude, you seemto have a very anxious mind. I know because it takes one to know one. You get attention from a girl, you get infatuated, and rethink and relive every single word y'all spoke about. Common sense is telling you she is putting on a flirt show with you because it's her job (trust me I've fell in love with a stripper or waitress before even though I knew their motive which was to get in my pockets) but there is always that nagging voice in your head that says "well, she said that and she did this" so of course she is into me. It's so easy to convince yourself that something is there, but when your gut finally gets a word in, reality usually sinks in. Basically what I'm saying is, you want so bad for this girl to be head over heels for you (trust me I get it) that you are convincing yourself that something is there when it's probably not. But that's ok man. Last thing you want to do is tell your future kids that you met their mommy in a strip club.

You seem to know me too well! lol... Some, or all of that, may be true. I do have some anxiety problems. Many normal things, I never get too worried about or lose sleep over. Some irrational matters, I can potentially drive myself crazy over.

Thanks for the input my man. I've thought I'd learned my lesson in the past, but I still have lots to learn. I'm 28, still relatively young. Me focusing on the "waitress" part may be short-sighted. Regardless, I will return there this weekend, not expect too much, and keep all things mentioned in this forum in mind.

Thanks all

May 4, 2016

I agree with ya.

The bit that gets me was her asking me to dinner! For whatever reason, that one question has resonated in me and is I believe is the main culprit for holding onto so much hope about her. I don't know why, but its true. As a man, not many women have asked me out to dinner, I've had to do most of the asking in the past. But that one question she asked me sticks out in my mind the most, despite me knowing that my chances with her aren't likely

That's the whole point tho man. She asked you that about getting dinner and what happened? You became hooked and have kept coming back again and again. Are you spending money each time you've been back since she asked? My guess would be yes. She can ask you to dinner, then just keep holding you off by saying "have a lot going on this week but we can figure something out I'm sure" and that'll keep you returning, hopefull that she's being genuine. She's not.

All you have to do is give her your business card or write your number on a small piece of paper and give it to her discreetly next time she brings you a drink or say hi. If she doesn't text you then you know she's just playing with you.

May 4, 2016

I agree.

This post and all the responses have been a tremendous help.

I know I'm overthinking it at this point. But next time I see her, should I just apologize to her? She will be the one to greet me first like she did last time. Maybe I say something like: "Obviously you're a gorgeous woman. I'm sorry, I really misread your niceness as you being interested in me.."?

I think this might be effective. However she feels about me, saying something like that to her would be the honest truth. Her reaction would probably then tell me exactly how she feels about me. And, just being truthful about a given situation makes me feel so much better about it. What do y'all think?

Edited May 4, 2016 by PDonnie

May 4, 2016

I know I'm overthinking it at this point. But next time I see her, should I just apologize to her? She will be the one to greet me first like she did last time. Maybe I say something like: "Obviously you're a gorgeous woman. I'm sorry, I really misread your niceness as you being interested in me.."?

NO, it is snide, sarcastic and smacks of resentment.

Be the better man here.

May 4, 2016

NO, it is snide, sarcastic and smacks of resentment.
Be the better man here.

Oh dang really? Ok. I understand how it might be perceived negatively, but it is the truth though.

May 8, 2016

Update:

Of course, as predicted, she never texted me. I saw her at the club tonight, and it went as predicted, but at least I was better prepared for the reality of the situation thanks to you all... I didn't mention my phone number at all tonight, but unfortunately for me neither did she! But we at least talked a couple times.

Anyway, to help me get over my crush on her, I should stay away from these establishments for a while, right?

May 8, 2016

Update:

Of course, as predicted, she never texted me. I saw her at the club tonight, and it went as predicted, but at least I was better prepared for the reality of the situation thanks to you all... I didn't mention my phone number at all tonight, but unfortunately for me neither did she! But we at least talked a couple times.

Anyway, to help me get over my crush on her, I should stay away from these establishments for a while, right?

Yeah, I guess I'd stay away for a while. But you handled the situation well. Sometimes when people are given an unexpected invitation or you say you like them, they are caught off guard and say something that they don't mean. I think she thought about it and decided that going out with you is a bad idea, because either she doesn't want to or because she needs to protect her job.

May 8, 2016

You must try to remember that any woman working at a strip club, their whole reason for being there is to flirt with men for money, period. That's what they're taught to do and those "rules" they have in place are to force men to pony up and pay the club a fortune to go in the back room for whatever they have opted to give up there. The rules make it safer for women to milk men out of their money by shamelessly flirting with them. That's the whole goal. Not a place to look for a girlfriend.

May 8, 2016

Yeah, I guess I'd stay away for a while. But you handled the situation well. Sometimes when people are given an unexpected invitation or you say you like them, they are caught off guard and say something that they don't mean. I think she thought about it and decided that going out with you is a bad idea, because either she doesn't want to or because she needs to protect her job.

Thank you for the response... I'm glad I stuck to the plan and didn't give in to the temptation of talking about it with her.

I think you're right about when she asked me to dinner. It happened very fast when she said that, and my attraction to her made me take it as a sign that she was into me. I know the goal for women there is to make money, but she seemed different to me. She truly did.

I'll stay away though. Its best for me, my emotions, my spirit, and my wallet lol!!....

Hey for all I know, she can't stand me or maybe she's even waiting for me to stop being a customer before she txts me!

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