Pandalover93 Posted May 2, 2016 Posted May 2, 2016 I'm 22 now. I was in love with a guy for a year and a half. It's one of those relationships where both our parents would never in a million years agree to. But we decided to date anyways because we truly liked each other. I don't regret it going for that long but it does heart since I had to officially break up with him two days ago since we both graduated. He was really the perfect one and it's the type of guy I would want. Sadly I can't choose the guy because I am to be arranged. And there is no way I can get out of that. When we broke up I assumed we would still talk but very small casual talk. I know it's not easy to jump right into friendship ( because we were best friends before being together), but I thought maybe it could work. He only told me clearly during the breakup that we should not be in contact at all. I think that's what is making it harder on me because from the day we started dating, I was mentally prepared for this day but with the mindset that we could start talking friendly right away. I know i'm not too deep into the break up yet but these two days have been hard. I just wanted anymore tips on how to get over him or give me some positive vibes lol. I was strong enough to delete his pics and pics of us and block him on social media .ANy other helpful suggestions please!
2016forme Posted May 2, 2016 Posted May 2, 2016 Dear Pandalover, I take it that you are arranged to be married to someone and that is completely understandable. You are preparing for the married life. So now, your biggest transition is learning to let go of your ex boyfriend. Even though you two were"a perfect match made for each other", this is the time for you to let go of the days of yesteryear and look towards the future. I know that this is not an easy process because it is easier said than done. But the reality is that you are arranged to be married. Give yourself time to get over your "old flame. "It won't happen overnight. But after a while, the more you respect your family wishes in being arranged for marriage, your life will change! You won't have time to think about your ex. Give yourself time to learn and grow! 1
TaraMaiden2 Posted May 2, 2016 Posted May 2, 2016 I'm 22 now. I was in love with a guy for a year and a half. It's one of those relationships where both our parents would never in a million years agree to. But we decided to date anyways because we truly liked each other. I don't regret it going for that long but it does heart since I had to officially break up with him two days ago since we both graduated. He was really the perfect one and it's the type of guy I would want. Sadly I can't choose the guy because I am to be arranged. And there is no way I can get out of that. When we broke up I assumed we would still talk but very small casual talk. I know it's not easy to jump right into friendship ( because we were best friends before being together), but I thought maybe it could work. He only told me clearly during the breakup that we should not be in contact at all. I think that's what is making it harder on me because from the day we started dating, I was mentally prepared for this day but with the mindset that we could start talking friendly right away. I know i'm not too deep into the break up yet but these two days have been hard. I just wanted anymore tips on how to get over him or give me some positive vibes lol. I was strong enough to delete his pics and pics of us and block him on social media .ANy other helpful suggestions please! How old are you and which country are you in?
Author Pandalover93 Posted May 2, 2016 Author Posted May 2, 2016 I am 22. I am in the U.S. My love story began in College, junior year lol. I never really had my freedom till college. Ofcourse I never took my freedom to go do drugs or bring dishonor to the family; I just lived a little. So I think I was just really in need of someone to love cause I've never ever had a boyfriend before now or like truly liked anyone. I went into it thinking it won't be that serious but it did. 1
Author Pandalover93 Posted May 2, 2016 Author Posted May 2, 2016 Dear Pandalover, I take it that you are arranged to be married to someone and that is completely understandable. You are preparing for the married life. So now, your biggest transition is learning to let go of your ex boyfriend. Even though you two were"a perfect match made for each other", this is the time for you to let go of the days of yesteryear and look towards the future. I know that this is not an easy process because it is easier said than done. But the reality is that you are arranged to be married. Give yourself time to get over your "old flame. "It won't happen overnight. But after a while, the more you respect your family wishes in being arranged for marriage, your life will change! You won't have time to think about your ex. Give yourself time to learn and grow! Yeah...I understand. I know it's a matter of time and he even told me that it will all be okay for us. As of now it's hard but time will only tell. It just makes me wonder whether I fill find someone like him in whoever my parents arrange. I don't want to end up being super picky of the guy that my parents find and try to find a personality of my ex's in them. My parents haven't found the guy yet, but they said they will start soon. And once that starts, I know i'm going to compare the potentials to him and determine whether I like them based on that. I just take this experience as a learning experience, because before now I never really understood what kind of guy I wanted. Now I have a better idea. And yeah like you said, I do respect my family's wishes and wouldn't go against them which is why I never tried to make this relationship last longer than 2 years ( even though year and half was pushing it lol). It will be okay but it just sucks!! Thanks for your advice! 1
keiji Posted May 2, 2016 Posted May 2, 2016 I am 22. I am in the U.S. My love story began in College, junior year lol. I never really had my freedom till college. Ofcourse I never took my freedom to go do drugs or bring dishonor to the family; I just lived a little. So I think I was just really in need of someone to love cause I've never ever had a boyfriend before now or like truly liked anyone. I went into it thinking it won't be that serious but it did. An arranged married in the US? Apologies for my ignorance, but is that due to religious matters? It's hard for me to imagine that situation in certain countries. No offence intended.
TaraMaiden2 Posted May 2, 2016 Posted May 2, 2016 I am 22. I am in the U.S. My love story began in College, junior year lol. I never really had my freedom till college. Ofcourse I never took my freedom to go do drugs or bring dishonor to the family; I just lived a little. So I think I was just really in need of someone to love cause I've never ever had a boyfriend before now or like truly liked anyone. I went into it thinking it won't be that serious but it did. If you're a USA resident, and you have come of age, then you are under no legal or social obligation to marry whom your parents have chosen. Culture, in your own country, is one thing. Imposing such standards, when you have been used to emancipative education, and you live in a western society is something else entirely. I used to live next door to a wonderful family from Pakistan. Three sons, one daughter (she was child number 3.) The father was visibly and vocally proud that his daughter had been raised and educated, had passed all her school exams with the highest marks, went to Uni to get her degree, and was the youngest registrar in one of the UK's top dental hospitals. Yet he still wanted her to go back to Pakistan and marry someone who had been chosen for her when she was 5. She fought tooth and nail, and once 18, told him in no uncertain terms that the only way that was happening is if she went to Pakistan in a box. She had no recall of the country, having been brought to the UK at a very young age. She moved out one day when her parents were both at work, and moved in with a friend as a room-mate. Her father tried everything in his power to get her to return and comply, but as he was in the UK, there was nothing he could legally do. This brought him huge frustration, but fortunately, he was a decent man, hard-working and proud of all his family. So he had no choice but to give in. Some others faced with their daughter's rebellion have resorted to much more sinister, illegal and desperate - often fatal - measures. I'm banking on your parents being decent folks, if they are giving you a good education. Children caught between two cultures, being pulled this way and that. I don't envy them.
Author Pandalover93 Posted May 3, 2016 Author Posted May 3, 2016 I understand what you mean. But I feel like it's easier said then done. THere are times I want to go against them but I just can't get myself to. I also feel like I owe them my life. I think in my situation, what makes it difficult is that both sides of the family are complicated. We are both different religions and there would be no acceptance because of that as well. I can only pray that everything just gets better quick!
Author Pandalover93 Posted May 3, 2016 Author Posted May 3, 2016 An arranged married in the US? Apologies for my ignorance, but is that due to religious matters? It's hard for me to imagine that situation in certain countries. No offence intended. No, I understand. My parents were arranged and mine are very very very VERY traditional Indians! My dad is mainly the more strict one. And it's not the situation Im gonna forced to marry the guy THEY want, they will have a few in mind and I get to say yes or no to them. In that aspect it has changed to where I'm not forced to go with their choice of guy.
2016forme Posted May 3, 2016 Posted May 3, 2016 No, I understand. My parents were arranged and mine are very very very VERY traditional Indians! My dad is mainly the more strict one. And it's not the situation Im gonna forced to marry the guy THEY want, they will have a few in mind and I get to say yes or no to them. In that aspect it has changed to where I'm not forced to go with their choice of guy. Thank you so much for sharing your story and reading my advice. I hope that something is helpful for you. That's good to know that even as your parents arrange for your marriage, you still have a choice to pick and choose. Good luck to you. You deserve to be happy! Cheers!
TaraMaiden2 Posted May 3, 2016 Posted May 3, 2016 I understand what you mean. But I feel like it's easier said then done. Isn't all wise advice? Nobody said that doing the right thing is easy... Sometimes it's simpler to opt for the wrong thing, because it's the easy option. THere are times I want to go against them but I just can't get myself to. I also feel like I owe them my life. In the literal sense, of course you do. But it wasn't your choice to have life, they chose to give it to you. Kahil Gibran said it best... Going against them makes you feel guilty and ungrateful. It feels wrong, but you have to try to detach from that sense or emotions, because emotions are the most unwise seat to make decisions from. Decisions should be based on rational logic, not on the emotions of guilt and gratitude. I hear what you say - I'm originally Italian Roman Catholic, and I know what emotional pressure feels like. But in your heart of hearts, you have to consider what - in this day and age, and where you live, and what social freedom you currently enjoy, and what you're studying, and what you hope to achieve through those studies, and what career you want to follow - what, in the LONG RUN - is best for you. Not your parents. What they want for you now, may not be in your best interests. They may believe it to be, because they are striving to maintain a cultural tradition for you, and are (it's true) exerting pressure on you to conform to a world you don't fully belong in. If you had been raised, educated and brought up within that culture and world, and knew nothing else then it would surely be a successful option. But you weren't. You were educated in the West, and you have had a taste of a culture that is diametrically opposite to theirs. It's a very difficult task for you, to be asked to combine, or permit their culture to over-ride your instincts. And you want to please them. Of course you do. You want to demonstrate respect and obeisance. But you have to stop and think. Do some research, ask others from a similar cultural background to you, what they think. Investigate. Examine. Parents bestow love and wisdom upon us, to the point that we are convinced and conditioned to believe that they are always right, and we need to respect that. But they're not always right. It came as a shock to me, when my parents were finally toppled from their pedestals.... but it woke me up to a particular fact: They were who they were, because they were fashioned that way. My mother broke free from the traditional, stay-at-home role of the little Italian wife, bringing up the children, cooking, cleaning and being a housewife. She forged a career for herself. The only one of 6 girls to do so. It caused huge domestic shock waves - but my grandmother confided in me, a long time ago, that she was secretly proudest of my mother, among all her children. Including my mother's 2 brothers..... I think in my situation, what makes it difficult is that both sides of the family are complicated. We are both different religions and there would be no acceptance because of that as well. I can only pray that everything just gets better quick! This is a here-and-now, problem. The hoops and difficulties my British father, as a non-catholic (and therefore a heretic) had to go through to ultimately marry my mother, were enormous and mountainous to overcome. In time, he won the family's hearts over, and became as one with them. Sure, it could take time. But think very carefully before attempting to conform to the wishes of others, because you feel you should out of guilt and gratitude. Even if they are your parents.
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