Keira1231 Posted May 2, 2016 Posted May 2, 2016 I'm a sociable person with a lot of friends in a big vibrant city, yet I have never met anyone this way. The only guy I did meet, didn't want a girlfriend. So I started using online dating and went on dates with guys - they don't have anything in common looks wise,age wise, education etc. but ALL say or indicate eventually that they are not looking for a girlfriend. And I don't know how much more I can take! Especially when my friends have found it so easy to find their SO and I'm the last remaining singleton (I'm 26). They all agree that they think i'm great, pretty, smart, etc etc. But not, not girlfriend material. So most recently I met a guy online and we started talking. Conversation was super easy, we really get on, and we arrange to meet up. So we continue talking, and he has previously brought up how he ended a relationship a few months ago. He tells me he doesn't want to rush into anything but has gotten over it properly. I don't see the point in rushing into a relationship either, so this seems fine. So we are talking tonight and he is telling me he is starting to do a lot of things as a single guy that he didn't do while in a relationship. They were all pretty normal, regular things that he could have done in a relationship anyway, so I tell him i thought this and that I expected him to tell me he'd gone on some crazy drinking spree or whatever. He takes it badly and asks why I'm questioning him being single. He then proceeds to tell me he wants to hang out casually, but not looking for anything serious (GREAT!). I tell him sorry, I'm not looking for a hookup and don't see much point in continuing things if he is totally set against the idea of a relationship. He says that's a shame since we get on so well and that he would still like to see me as a friend, on our arranged date. I'm baffled, but agree. I reason that it couldn't hurt my cause to expand my social circle, since i'm lacking in male friends. However is this likely just him trying to convince me to sleep with him? anyone been in a similar situation that could offer advice? Should I go on the date as promised then cut ties? Why did he go from saying he just didn't want to rush things, to not wanting to be in a relationship at all? Honestly, dating is the worst thing.
basil67 Posted May 2, 2016 Posted May 2, 2016 Just to be clear - you haven't met him face to face? If this is the case, don't bother meeting him. You know from the outset that he's not offering what you want so stick to your guns. Next!
Larryville Posted May 2, 2016 Posted May 2, 2016 (edited) Honestly, dating is the worst thing.They all agree that they think i'm great, pretty, smart, etc etc. But not, not girlfriend material.They just want to have sex with you.... got it. Maybe because I read so many of these threads my eyes start to cross now when I read some of this same stuff. Dating is not the issue, OLD is not the issue. The thing is K, we can't see you. We have no idea what you look like, how you talk, how you dress, how you wear your hair, your teeth, your height, do you have a great body? Are you a conversationalist? Do you have a great job? Do you have money? Do you in person have annoying habits? Are you a good listener? Do you drink too much? You say the guys think you are great, smart and pretty yet say you are not worthy of anything of substance. Does that make any sense to you? Does not make any sense to me at least. Ladies, any of you who reads this, and later you post about "you not being girlfriend material" Every guy says you are great, is that what they REALLY THINK? Maybe you have a disconnect... [] Guys... (ok legit, sane, intelligent, gentlemen) don't let smart, pretty great girls get away... unless they are freaking idiots or have mental issues. Edited May 2, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 2
kidm Posted May 2, 2016 Posted May 2, 2016 Generally "I don't want to rush into things" is not a death knell of a relationship forming at a later time but more often than not, when a guy says that at the beginning of getting to know someone (especially since he is recently single), it doesn't bode well for things progressing to anything more. It was probably his way to keep you on the hook (dangling a carrot of potential relationship down the road) so you wouldn't bail right off the bat and he could probably work his way to casual sex. Also, when a guy you hope to be in a relationship with tells you about the things he gets to do as a single guy, that is another red flag. He is letting you know again indirectly that he ain't getting into a relationship anytime soon. It doesn't matter if you think those things could be done in a relationship. So he has now told you 3 different ways that he won't be ready for a relationship any time soon, if ever. The fact that he still wants to go out on the date just means he thinks he may be able to change your mind or you may let your guard down and sleep with you. He is unavailable. Move on. 1
Author Keira1231 Posted May 2, 2016 Author Posted May 2, 2016 (edited) They just want to have sex with you.... got it. Maybe because I read so many of these threads my eyes start to cross now when I read some of this same stuff. Dating is not the issue, OLD is not the issue. The thing is K, we can't see you. We have no idea what you look like, how you talk, how you dress, how you wear your hair, your teeth, your height, do you have a great body? Are you a conversationalist? Do you have a great job? Do you have money? Do you in person have annoying habits? Are you a good listener? Do you drink too much? You say the guys think you are great, smart and pretty yet say you are not worthy of anything of substance. Does that make any sense to you? Does not make any sense to me at least. Ladies, any of you who reads this, and later you post about "you not being girlfriend material" Every guy says you are great, is that what they REALLY THINK? Maybe you have a disconnect... [] Guys... (ok legit, sane, intelligent, gentlemen) don't let smart, pretty great girls get away... unless they are freaking idiots or have mental issues. Gosh! Brutal much? To clarify; I'm not ugly, I go to the gym and take care of my appearance. Generally I'm pretty confident I have a good job and I love it I am friendly and engaging on dates - usually they are fun. Are you saying I'm too ugly/boring or something? Edited May 2, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Edit quote
Author Keira1231 Posted May 2, 2016 Author Posted May 2, 2016 (edited) They just want to have sex with you.... got it. Maybe because I read so many of these threads my eyes start to cross now when I read some of this same stuff. Dating is not the issue, OLD is not the issue. The thing is K, we can't see you. We have no idea what you look like, how you talk, how you dress, how you wear your hair, your teeth, your height, do you have a great body? Are you a conversationalist? Do you have a great job? Do you have money? Do you in person have annoying habits? Are you a good listener? Do you drink too much? You say the guys think you are great, smart and pretty yet say you are not worthy of anything of substance. Does that make any sense to you? Does not make any sense to me at least. Ladies, any of you who reads this, and later you post about "you not being girlfriend material" Every guy says you are great, is that what they REALLY THINK? Maybe you have a disconnect... [] Guys... (ok legit, sane, intelligent, gentlemen) don't let smart, pretty great girls get away... unless they are freaking idiots or have mental issues. I thought I was a pretty good catch - I probably wouldn't invest in dating if I felt I needed a lot of improvement/self development. But maybe I'm wrong and I'm a defect then. Edited May 2, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Edit quote
Lois_Griffin Posted May 2, 2016 Posted May 2, 2016 I get what Larryville was trying to say. You're the common denominator in this situation which keeps happening over and over and over. Guys start out all enthused then something changes their mind and they decide they only want to be friends or FWBs because you're not 'girlfriend material.' What Larryville was trying to say (albeit a bit harshly) is that you're doing something to turn these guys off. Most people are completely unaware of bad habits they might have or things they might say or do, or vibes they give off that turn others off. But you're the common denominator here so it's something. I'm sure this isn't the case with you, but as an example, a friend of mine long ago started dating a lovely woman he thought was so pretty and smart and intelligent, etc. etc. But for some odd reason, she had an issue where she had to shave her chin or pluck the hairs on it - and she was only about 40 years old. Not sure what the reason for this hairiness was, but it was obviously an issue for her that she tried to stay on top of. He simply couldn't get over the fact that she had slight stubble on her chin and he didn't have the guts to tell her how much it turned him off, so he gave her the 'let's just be friends' speech then did a slow fade. As I said, I'm sure this isn't your particular issue, but this lady had NO CLUE that's what had driven him away. So there's something you're not aware of that's chasing these guys off. An attitude you might be giving off, a physical attribute that's turning them off, maybe they perceive you as needy, maybe they think you're a drama queen, or you're saying/doing something that's causing them to not want to invest in a relationship with you, etc. etc. I don't know, I can only guess. But when you're the common denominator in the same situation that keeps happening again and again, then you have to look to yourself to figure out why.
smudge21 Posted May 2, 2016 Posted May 2, 2016 It happens to us all Keira - we can meet people and seem like everything feels great, but they don't want to take it further or have anything serious. A few months ago I thought I'd met someone who fell into this category in the simple way she and I were like two peas in a pod... yet she turned around in an instant and ghosted me after a few months. Although others have said that maybe it's something you're doing, I'd also suggest that maybe it's the type of guys you're meeting - the age range, location, hobbies and interests. Maybe something on your OLD is attracting the type that only ends up treating you like this. We often fall into a pattern when it comes to meeting certain types, even when those types are wrong for us. It becomes are normality to be around these people, so in affect we create our own problems. See if there's a pattern in how you date and meet people, but also don't start thinking all guys are like this. We're not, honest. 1
pidgeon1010 Posted May 2, 2016 Posted May 2, 2016 (edited) I get what Larryville was trying to say. You're the common denominator in this situation which keeps happening over and over and over. Guys start out all enthused then something changes their mind and they decide they only want to be friends or FWBs because you're not 'girlfriend material.' What Larryville was trying to say (albeit a bit harshly) is that you're doing something to turn these guys off. Most people are completely unaware of bad habits they might have or things they might say or do, or vibes they give off that turn others off. But you're the common denominator here so it's something. I'm sure this isn't the case with you, but as an example, a friend of mine long ago started dating a lovely woman he thought was so pretty and smart and intelligent, etc. etc. But for some odd reason, she had an issue where she had to shave her chin or pluck the hairs on it - and she was only about 40 years old. Not sure what the reason for this hairiness was, but it was obviously an issue for her that she tried to stay on top of. He simply couldn't get over the fact that she had slight stubble on her chin and he didn't have the guts to tell her how much it turned him off, so he gave her the 'let's just be friends' speech then did a slow fade. As I said, I'm sure this isn't your particular issue, but this lady had NO CLUE that's what had driven him away. So there's something you're not aware of that's chasing these guys off. An attitude you might be giving off, a physical attribute that's turning them off, maybe they perceive you as needy, maybe they think you're a drama queen, or you're saying/doing something that's causing them to not want to invest in a relationship with you, etc. etc. I don't know, I can only guess. But when you're the common denominator in the same situation that keeps happening again and again, then you have to look to yourself to figure out why. LOL I know the "chin hairs" was just an example but it cracked me up! Seriously? If a guy doesn't want to be in a relationship with a woman because she has hair that she actually grooms, then he did her a favor! Walk into any hair removal place and you'll find lots and lots of women of all ages getting hairs removed from all sorts of area (whole face, chin, arms, etc etc.). I can see the turn off if it was hirsutism! I hope that woman found a man who actually didn't mind helping her out by tweezing her chin hairs. Lol. Edited May 2, 2016 by pidgeon1010
Recommended Posts