SOB86 Posted May 1, 2016 Posted May 1, 2016 This is a touchy topic so I'm hesitant on writing this but I kinda need to get it off my chest. I've rewritten this first paragraph several times now and I don't know how to explain it. I started dating this girl over a year ago and things are either really good or really ****ty between us. I feel like I'm in love with her but I'm not sure anymore. She's emotionally abusive towards me. I feel like I have to constantly walk on egg shells around her because anything I say could trigger her. Giving her directions in the car is a huge thing between us. She doesn't pay attention while driving and is known to miss turns to places we've been to several times. Which is perfectly fine because I'm bad with directions too. But she will accuse me of being a sexist, projecting that I think she isn't capable of driving because she is a woman. So I'll sit there silently and let her miss turns then I get yelled at for not saying anything. One time at the bar I put my arm around her because I'm an affectionate guy. But she shrugged me off and explained to me that by putting my arm around her I was telling everyone at the bar that I owned her. I didn't know what to say. If she just doesn't want to be touched then I totally understand but the accusation of trying to own her just baffled me. I have no intentions to own her. At one point I wanted to marry her but we've already argued about the meaning of marriage. To her it's a form of slavery and to me it's just a sign of love. I don't get it. I don't expect her to cook dinner or do chores or anything really. I don't even expect her to have kids with me. The only expectation I have is for her to not cheat on me. I'm just getting worn down from constantly having to defend myself. I swear I have no evil intentions for this woman. I thought if I hung in there long enough she might see that but it might be time to let her go.
Jabron1 Posted May 1, 2016 Posted May 1, 2016 https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/3/3b/Paris_Tuileries_Garden_Facepalm_statue.jpg Dump her already. And find a woman that is actually feminine. 4
Larryville Posted May 1, 2016 Posted May 1, 2016 She's emotionally abusive towards me. The only thing that matters. The rest of what you wrote is irrelevant. Get out! 1
elaine567 Posted May 1, 2016 Posted May 1, 2016 One time at the bar I put my arm around her because I'm an affectionate guy. But she shrugged me off and explained to me that by putting my arm around her I was telling everyone at the bar that I owned her. I didn't know what to say. If she just doesn't want to be touched then I totally understand but the accusation of trying to own her just baffled me. Helen Mirren: 'It annoys me to see men with an arm slung round their girlfriend's shoulders ? it's like ownership' | People | News | The Independent
Jabron1 Posted May 1, 2016 Posted May 1, 2016 (edited) Helen Mirren: 'It annoys me to see men with an arm slung round their girlfriend's shoulders ? it's like ownership' | People | News | The Independent So? Who cares what Helen Mirren thinks? Edited May 1, 2016 by Jabron1 1
Author SOB86 Posted May 1, 2016 Author Posted May 1, 2016 I guess it seems obvious now but I was emotionally invested in her before she started berating me and it's just hard to let it all go.
EndsExpect Posted May 1, 2016 Posted May 1, 2016 I'm just getting worn down from constantly having to defend myself. I swear I have no evil intentions for this woman. I thought if I hung in there long enough she might see that but it might be time to let her go. She doesn't sound like a nice person. Maybe she was a nice person before, but she has been brainwashed by the cult. I've never seen anyone come back from that. She will likely spend the rest of her life making the world around her a worse place. 1
RedPurpleOrange Posted May 2, 2016 Posted May 2, 2016 Walking on eggshells is a no-no. I had an ex who used to flip out in the car and get REALLY angry. Just provokes resentment and pent-up fury down the line. You're not having fun. We have a famous kid's book in the UK... Stig Of The... 1
smudge21 Posted May 2, 2016 Posted May 2, 2016 Double standards - she doesn't want you to appear to "own" her or "control" her, telling her what to do or think... but by her own actions, the way she puts you down, tells you how to act and what to say, she is controlling you, owning you. Relationships should be equal, but most importantly, they should be loving. There's no love here. If she truly believes that your affection towards her is wrong, then so is the relationship. 3
Author SOB86 Posted May 2, 2016 Author Posted May 2, 2016 Is the sex and companionship worth it? The sex is amazing and when she isn't being triggered I love the time we spend together but it's getting worse. I'm starting to get a tight feeling in my stomach when we talk to each other hoping she doesn't flip out.
Jabron1 Posted May 2, 2016 Posted May 2, 2016 The sex is amazing and when she isn't being triggered I love the time we spend together but it's getting worse. Then leave it at sex, mate Learn when someone isn't girlfriend material. 'Radical feminist' is like the biggest red flag going. 1
preraph Posted May 2, 2016 Posted May 2, 2016 I would consider myself a feminist, but there is no one type of feminist. It varies so widely and depends on your generation. How old is she? People in their 20s have a lot of thinking and changes to go through before they find the right balance for them, so sometimes they vocalize radically on not just feminism but politics, war, social issues and get pretty obnoxious and don't always have their facts straight either. But that doesn't make them a bad person. It just means they're still changing. If she's a bit older, she may be just learning the hardships of romance and betrayal and all that and be taking some defensive stances. Again, these things usually fluctuate throughout a person's life, with peaks and valleys. To get down to the nitty gritty, the driving thing -- if I'm driving, don't tell me how to do it. You can offer one suggestion and then that's it. It makes people feel stupid. I agree it's then unfair for her to blame you if you don't tell her. But quarreling about these little things comes out of familiarity, so just go back to a more aloof polite stance. I'll never forget, I saw an old BF after 20 years a few years ago and we always did bicker, to the point people would leave the room. We enjoyed it. However I drove him somewhere and I'm in a town that rarely needs valet parking. But he's from Hollywood, where it's necessary, but he used to be from here so he knows better. So I was just circling to find a spot and all of a sudden he says, "Just use the valet already!" It was like having my mother in the car. I realized what used to be frisky bickering was now him nagging me like an old woman. I've heard people on this board and others with varying opinions about opening doors and arm around shoulders being sexist. My answer to the opening doors is I'm a woman and where I'm from, a lot of us all open doors for each other, male or female, just as a courtesy, nothing to do with sex. I like an arm around my shoulder, but if it was strategically placed by someone who didn't really have those sorts of privileges yet, then I would consider it controlling and possessive. But as long as I like the guy and we are together, I think it's great. But everyone is different. Bottom line is if you feel she's belittling you or being cruel, maybe you move on. She certainly probably will come down off her high horse eventually. You know, there's this whole "diva" thing going around where some women, probably from watching too much reality tv, get the idea the man has to do certain things to treat them like a queen before they even warm up to him. I would advise you to avoid those like the plague. Queendom is something you earn by loving and being loved back, not a prerequisite to go out with a guy.
jen1447 Posted May 2, 2016 Posted May 2, 2016 I guess it seems obvious now but I was emotionally invested in her before she started berating me and it's just hard to let it all go. This is a dynamic that's more typically shown with physically abusive relationships but the same thing's happening here - you invested early and then things started to change for the worse, and now you've come to expect negative things as the norm to some extent while you hang onto a hope that she'll change or that the 'real her' is still in there somewhere and she'll come back. But the reality is more likely this is the real her and this is all you have to look forward to. Gotta get your mind right and get out of this situation before it eats you alive. 2
Author SOB86 Posted May 2, 2016 Author Posted May 2, 2016 @preraph That sounds fair. She's 30, went to an art college where she was basically taught that all men are evil. We've argued about statistics to no end. I normally just try to let the arguments go. She can believe what she wants but I won't believe certain things without hard evidence.
Author SOB86 Posted May 2, 2016 Author Posted May 2, 2016 @jen1447 You're right, I'm 29 and I still have that fear of not finding anyone else so I guess that's why I'm still clinging to her. 1
RedPurpleOrange Posted May 2, 2016 Posted May 2, 2016 Funny, that, me and the one I mentioned here used to argue about religion. Nothing is more fun than a theological dispute. Every day. While walking on eggshells. "OK, we're all sinners anyway and we're all off to hell. Now pass me the Pringles." 2
jen1447 Posted May 2, 2016 Posted May 2, 2016 @jen1447 You're right, I'm 29 and I still have that fear of not finding anyone else so I guess that's why I'm still clinging to her. Eh, you're a baby yet. Not about to walk off the retirement cliff of loneliness and isolation. Use this as a reason to turn over a new leaf and improve yourself - get in shape, get a new look, etc. - then go out and meet some new ppl. 5
Jabron1 Posted May 2, 2016 Posted May 2, 2016 @jen1447 You're right, I'm 29 and I still have that fear of not finding anyone else so I guess that's why I'm still clinging to her. I'm telling you now, that a man with options doesn't put up with that sh*t. You need to improve your game, mate. This is just a reflection of yourself. Dump her, and have a good think about your approach in general. Time to push yourself to be better. 6
Author SOB86 Posted May 2, 2016 Author Posted May 2, 2016 Expanding my social circle would certainly help. I was without a car for six months but I'm back behind the wheel and able to go meet people again.
Woggle Posted May 2, 2016 Posted May 2, 2016 Turn around and walk in the other direction. Dating somebody like this is like being arrested because anything you say can and will be used against you. Why would you be in a relationship where you have to walk on eggshells? I fully support feminism in it's original form but people like this soil the brand. They are the reason why so people think feminists are a bunch of misandrists. No matter how well you treat her eventually that rage will be turned on you. 2
basil67 Posted May 2, 2016 Posted May 2, 2016 I guess it seems obvious now but I was emotionally invested in her before she started berating me and it's just hard to let it all go. Think of emotional investments as you would financial investments. Say you invested in shares while a company was performing well. Then the company looks to be going out of business and the shares are falling. Do you leave the shares there and watch them lose all value or do you take what you can and get out of here? 1
blackcat777 Posted May 2, 2016 Posted May 2, 2016 This woman's issues run much deeper than you are probably willing to dig into... and if you dig into them, I'm pretty sure there will be no reward. Find someone open to and appreciating your affection if affection is your thing. 2
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