I just found out he's married

[Lady Hamilton]

At the moment.. he's still trying to convince me that I am wrong, that I should stop accusing him and that there is "so much he's willing to tolerate".

 

He's basically threatening to break up with me (not using the word break up but saying that if I don't stop accusing him, there will be a point of no return).

 

Fine. Bye Felicia.

Edited May 2, 2016 by Lady Hamilton

[loveisanaction]

If i were married and the ow called me and told me that she had been having an affair with my husband but that he had told her that he was married before the affair started, it would sting less.

 

However, if she told me that my husband had completely denied even being married, that would rip my heart right out of my throat.

 

To deny my very existence just to get laid is the lowest of the lowest, you can't get any lower than that.

 

If i were married to a man like that I would want to know....

[ShatteredLady]

LG. I'm so very sorry to hear about your Mum. There's nothing, absolutely nothing wrong with you. The fact that you're writing here & thinking these thoughts means that you're a compassionate, empathic person.

 

Some plonker tried his luck. You worked him out & dumped him. Nothing to talk about behind your back there! Nothing to judge YOU on at all! Please don't ever blame yourself for his hideous behavior.

[Luckiestgirl]

Losing my mom was so hard (still is). I felt totally alone, no close family left. That's why I wonder if I was an easy prey. Or if I just "trusted too much". It's a remark one my girlfriends made when I told her what happened. Same girlfriend who told me he was "such a great guy" then. Ouch, thanks..

 

Another girlfriend said we "went too fast, who does that?!" uhm her, when she had her cheating drug addict ex fiance move in after only 6 months (and she has kids). I don't rub it in her face (but I'm about to if she keeps it up).

 

It is true that from now on I am "googling" every single guy I meet. I had googled his name real quick back then but hadn't found much. From now on I'm like a private investigator, down to the voter ID card (shows the address).

[underpants]

Losing my mom was so hard (still is). I felt totally alone, no close family left. That's why I wonder if I was an easy prey. Or if I just "trusted too much". It's a remark one my girlfriends made when I told her what happened. Same girlfriend who told me he was "such a great guy" then. Ouch, thanks..

 

Another girlfriend said we "went too fast, who does that?!" uhm her, when she had her cheating drug addict ex fiance move in after only 6 months (and she has kids). I don't rub it in her face (but I'm about to if she keeps it up).

 

It is true that from now on I am "googling" every single guy I meet. I had googled his name real quick back then but hadn't found much. From now on I'm like a private investigator, down to the voter ID card (shows the address).

 

Well, I'd say this is a wake up call to fair whether friends. I used to get some of this, it hurt especially from a sister. Unknown to her narcissism I am just not there any longer. I think some people judge based on the pedestal they have built for themselves. If you can remove yourself emotionally it is really quite interesting.

 

I got played by a dude who lied (name, status, number of children...) before he ever met me over buying a freaking piece of furniture. I made a thread. Ultimately the experience really made me look at the world differently. A good thing (real) and a bad thing.

 

Ultimately I did tell but it was not without a lot of anxiety. Posters here (especially trigger posters) tried to guilt me this way or the other or to do it sooner then I was ready. They don't understand your position. Let it go.

 

Hang in there. as a cool chic told me on my thread, 'at least you are the one married to him'.

 

It sucks, and I understand. Lay low, don't respond and figure out what will help you heal.

 

Some people are no darn good.

 

Time will heal (as much as I hate that phrase).

[sandylee1]

Sorry you met this useless man. If you fear he could be violent if you tell his wife. .. then just end it and be done. Your safety is the priority here.

 

If he carries on like this.....which he more than likely will .... then she'll find out sooner or later.

 

The only way I'd tell her and protect myself ... is to disclose as though you are a friend.. either of his or yours ... and remain anonymous .... otherwise just let him carry on being the fool he is.

 

A guy with a long term GF did this to me many years ago.... TBH it so annoyed me as I felt it was an absolute waste of my time. I have little regard for people like that.

[2016forme]

Losing my mom was so hard (still is). I felt totally alone, no close family left. That's why I wonder if I was an easy prey. Or if I just "trusted too much". It's a remark one my girlfriends made when I told her what happened. Same girlfriend who told me he was "such a great guy" then. Ouch, thanks..

 

Another girlfriend said we "went too fast, who does that?!" uhm her, when she had her cheating drug addict ex fiance move in after only 6 months (and she has kids). I don't rub it in her face (but I'm about to if she keeps it up).

 

It is true that from now on I am "googling" every single guy I meet. I had googled his name real quick back then but hadn't found much. From now on I'm like a private investigator, down to the voter ID card (shows the address).

 

I am so sorry that you lost your mom last year. That's really tough and such a long way to go.

 

In looking back, TBH, nothing was or still is your fault.

 

I just hate to see someone trying to use reverse psychology by placing the blame on you and making it seem like you are hallucinating. This is a mind game he (ex MM ) wants to play on you. By him doing this, he is still in denial!

 

Your ex MM figured that since you lost someone close to you, he used it as an opportunity to take advantage of your emotions! That's not showing compassion or sympathy for you! That's horrible!

 

I am hoping that you recuperate from your loss and that you are able to move on with your life.

 

Best wishes to you.

[Luckiestgirl]

Here is what happened to me: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/579645-i-just-found-out-he-s-married

 

Someone mentioned in my other post that I should ask for advice here.

 

I was dating a man who is married, and who depicted himself to me as a single dad, divorced. I had no clue he was married with 3 kids and a wife who is living with them.

 

I am angry, humiliated.

 

I don't know if I should tell his wife. I want to, but is it the best decision? I have proof that I did not know. They have kids, what of them if I tell her?

 

How do I broach the subject if I tell her? "Hello, first I want you to know that I didn't know he was your husband, but I want to inform you that he and I were dating for months till I smarted up and discovered that he was a filthy bag of lies?"

 

if I don't tell her, do I give them a chance at keeping their family intact? I mean the guy is the one who lied, but still. I am motivated by anger and revenge, to be honest.

 

Would I want to know? I don't know.

 

In his case he mentioned "dates" and a girl he used to date 3 years back. That was fine when he told me that, as I thought he was a single guy. What it means though is that he's an habitual cheater.

 

Would you want to know? How?

[katielee]

yep, in a very factual way, preferably written format, with evidence. Keep the emotion out of it except to say you're sorry, you didn't realize he was married.

[heartwhole]

Another poster recently had a similar dilemma: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/573512-going-tell-his-wife

 

Personally, I would want to know. It sounds like he's a serial cheater who doesn't feel bad about lying to his wife or prospective "girlfriends." I wouldn't want to spend one extra second of my life with someone like that.

 

I have a WH of the "oops we had poor boundaries and fell in love" variety, and yes, I absolutely wanted to know. I have a right to know that my husband is putting my health at risk by having sex with someone else without my knowledge.

 

As for whether or not you should tell her, or whether your motives are correct, I can't say.

[OneMoreBW]

Just move on.

 

Don't get entangled in this kind of situation as long as you didn't know he's married.

 

Probably he's a serial cheater, so I think it would be better for you to just leave the scene, go NC, and move on with your life.

 

One day she would end up knowing about everything, but you don't need to be involved with all the mess.

 

If he's not a serial cheater, you're giving them a chance for recovering.

 

Try to forget this cheater/liar. From now on that you know he's married, you turn to be his partner in crime. Every single day on your will get more and more involved, till it's too late to just leave. Don't allow anyone use you and lower your standards for honesty and integrity.

 

Good luck.

[Mrs. John Adams]

If I got a letter or a phone call from another woman telling me my husband was cheating I would likely not believe her....and would probably do my best to do bodily harm to her.

 

So my answer...no I do not want to know.

[Lady Hamilton]

The better question to ask is if you're willing to deal with all telling her may bring. And it could be a lot.

 

I've yet to hear of the BW who got a letter or a call from an OW and she replied "Oh, hey... Thanks for letting me know! You're a real girls-girl and I hope you have a great summer!"

 

You may tell her and that may mean she's contacting you repeatedly for more and more details. She may accuse him of leading him into the affair. She may leave him, get a divorce, and force you to testify in court. She could go all Glen Close on you, not believe you didn't know he was married, and contact your friends, family, and workplace to tell them that you're a dirty homewrecker. Her husband may accuse you of being crazy and stalking him, now you're getting served with restraining orders.

 

Or, she might call you a liar and a psychotic and go right on about her life as it always had been.

 

If I got a random call or email or letter from some woman claiming she had an affair with my husband, I'd say "yeah, Ok, whatever," chuck it in the f**k-it bucket and move right along.

[katielee]

Have you had unprotected sex with him? If such, it's my opinion you're morally obligated to tell. Actually, in my head you're morally obligated to tell anyway. I would want to know. Chances are she knows something is going on.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Have you had unprotected sex with him? If such, it's my opinion you're morally obligated to tell. Actually, in my head you're morally obligated to tell anyway. I would want to know. Chances are she knows something is going on.

 

If my other man had come to my husband and told him about my having intercourse with him before i told my husband....my marriage most likely would have ended in divorce instead of 33 years of reconciliation.

 

I cannot help but think if your other man told your husband instead of you telling him.... it might have ended the same way.

 

While it may be "morally" the right thing to do...i think it is a bit hypocritical to become morally conscience after having sex with another man. This goes both ways...this is not just about your husband kissing another woman and you wanting to know about it.... this could also be about your having intercourse with another man and your AP telling on you.

 

What is fair for one is fair for the other.

[katielee]

.i think it is a bit hypocritical to become morally conscience after having sex with another man.

 

I think that after having sex with another man its the best time to become morally conscience. Not behaving in a manor that is protective of other humans got us in trouble in the first place.

We might not be together. And that would be my fault. Not the AP telling on me. Keeping something from a BS in order to keep a marriage together is wrong, IMO, We'll have to disagree on this, Mrs JA, as we have in the past.

 

We all bring our own crap into this. I would want to do bodily harm to someone who knew and didn't tell me.

 

OP - you're going to get differing opinions on this. Good luck.

Edited May 5, 2016 by katielee

[Mrs. John Adams]

I think that after having sex with another man its the best time to become morally conscience. Not behaving in a manor that is protective of other humans got us in trouble in the first place.

We might not be together. And that would be my fault. Not the AP telling on me. Keeping something from a BS in order to keep a marriage together is wrong, IMO, We'll have to disagree on this, Mrs JA, as we have in the past.

 

We all bring our own crap into this. I'd still want to know.

 

Agree that it was my own action that got me into trouble....but the AP telling on me or you...would most likely have changed our outcomes. We both confessed...rather than being ratted on by the affair partner.

 

This other woman is asking if she should tell her affair partners wife...and I agree the wife needs to be told ....but by her husband...not by his lover.

 

We should have been morally conscience before we took off our pants for another man....and I will agree it is better late than never.... no one is saying that we as adulterers should keep something from our spouses....this is not about a wayward confessing to his or her spouse. This is about the AFFAIR PARTNER telling the spouse.

 

While you may want to know....i cannot help but think...that you would question the intentions of the other woman....just as I would.

 

The question posed in this thread is not coming from a mother in law who may have seen her son in law in a restaurant with another woman. It is about the Affair partner telling the betrayed spouse with questionable intent.

[ShatteredLady]

I'm not even really close to a year of this. I KNOW that I would give almost anything to get my innocence back. To not have such a broken love story but I would NOT go back to the complete insanity of not knowing what was going on or why!!

 

More fool me...it's complicated...BOTH times I went 9 - 12 months of not really knowing what was really going on in my own life. There's something very pathetic about me. I never knew that weak woman lived inside me. I would of always described myself as strong, high self-esteem, laid back. I'll say it again "More Fool Me!!".

 

I've been abused. I've sat burning into my arm with a cigarette because pain that I controlled gave me clarity & strength. I'm so embarrassed!!

 

Every day that I didn't know was another day of agony for me!! I know that BOTH times, every day that he was being the evil alien was another day I went hurting myself & wanting to die the first time & total insanity the 2nd time! The moment I knew the truth I found sanity, anger.....

 

Some WMM are better at being sneaky. I think many, if not most change at home. Your instincts know that something is wrong & when you trust completely there's only one person left to blame....yourself!! To break his morals my H has to kick me in the gutter.

 

If everything was always nice, normal & loving while he was cheating maybe 'ignorance is bliss'.

 

I want to know the truth of my life though. Your MM (what a horrible phrase) is such an unbelievable creep! This isn't a knowing, slowly attracted to each-other thing. He planned to deceive!! He WILL do it again. She might have STD's or get pregnant or be a bunny boiler. So far his bs is 'lucky' he chose you. Who will the next woman be? What plans are his wife making at this very moment based on her faithful marriage?

 

So many reasons to tell.

 

Reasons not to tell.

 

What's more important to you?

[ShatteredLady]

But Mrs Adams. This is a woman duped by a cheat. She believed he was single & dumped him as soon as she learnt the truth. SHE was betrayed.

 

He planned, schemed, manipulated. He will not confess.

Edited May 5, 2016 by ShatteredLady

[JohnAdams]

But Mrs Adams. This is a woman duped by a cheat. She believed he was single & dumped him as soon as she learnt the truth. SHE was betrayed.

 

He planned, schemed, manipulated. He will not confess.

 

What is her motive except revenge?

[Mrs. John Adams]

But Mrs Adams. This is a woman duped by a cheat. She believed he was single & dumped him as soon as she learnt the truth. SHE was betrayed.

 

By her own admission she is angry...so why does she want to tell? Revenge? Jealousy? self pity?

 

She is not the one to tell his wife. If she wants to get revenge for being duped....then threaten him that you will make sure she finds out. Chances are he will confess just like the hundreds of others here with this same story.

 

Would you rather your husband confess to you...or be confronted by his lover?

 

I want my husband to confess not have his lover tell me.....

[katielee]

Agree that it was my own action that got me into trouble....but the AP telling on me or you...would most likely have changed our outcomes. We both confessed...rather than being ratted on by the affair partner.

 

This other woman is asking if she should tell her affair partners wife...and I agree the wife needs to be told ....but by her husband...not by his lover.

 

We should have been morally conscience before we took off our pants for another man....and I will agree it is better late than never.... no one is saying that we as adulterers should keep something from our spouses....this is not about a wayward confessing to his or her spouse. This is about the AFFAIR PARTNER telling the spouse.

 

While you may want to know....i cannot help but think...that you would question the intentions of the other woman....just as I would.

 

The question posed in this thread is not coming from a mother in law who may have seen her son in law in a restaurant with another woman. It is about the Affair partner telling the betrayed spouse with questionable intent.

 

Certainly agree the WS should be telling the BS rather than the AP!

[ShatteredLady]

But Mrs Adams. This is a woman duped by a cheat. She believed he was single & dumped him as soon as she learnt the truth. SHE was betrayed.

[ShatteredLady]

Sorry. Don't know what happened there!

 

I typed.... He is a fraud. The bs will only learn by accident or being told by a duped woman.

 

I know that my H would NEVER of told. I don't care about motive just knowledge of the truth.

[Mrs. John Adams]

But Mrs Adams. This is a woman duped by a cheat. She believed he was single & dumped him as soon as she learnt the truth. SHE was betrayed.

 

I understand that....what has it got to do with her telling his wife? this is not about the op getting revenge against the husband.....this is about the innocent betrayed wife.

 

I am sorry the op found herself in this predicament....but I think her intentions are revengeful to pay him back...not because she wants to help the wife.