footy1212 Posted May 1, 2016 Posted May 1, 2016 A few years ago I dated my first girlfriend. I really fell in love with her—she was kind, beautiful, intelligent—but I always had the feeling she thought she was too good for me. She’s had a very privileged upbringing and I think she expected some sort of rich fantasy prince as a boyfriend, not a normal hard-working guy. She seemed embarrassed to introduce me to her friends/family. Over time a lot of tension built up and eventually when she moved away for work, as opposed to trying long-distance she broke up with me. I was really hurt and tried to get her back, but she didn’t seem to want a relationship (at all, with anyone—she stayed single the whole time), so I gave up. Over this time I grew closer to another girl and started seeing her. When I told my ex she really freaked out and was very upset. I didn’t really buy it (and my friends just said she was upset because she’d lost her safety blanket) but I did feel pretty bad about making her so unhappy. This also made my new relationship rocky (because my new girlfriend thought I was hung up on my ex, which I probably was a bit). But in the end I decided I didn't want to revisit my ex: she couldn't be bothered to date me long-distance, why should I accept her back now, and I really liked the new girl. I kept dating the new girl—it was different from my ex, some things better (more open and just less awkward relationship; a better ‘fit’ in terms of background and interests), some things worse (i didn't feel that warm amazing click i did with my ex, although over time it got better; it was also long distance). After about 6 months, the new girlfriend told me that it didn't feel like a relationship anymore and broke up with me. A couple months later, she told me she was seeing someone else. All this has left me feeling pretty rubbish about relationships. I don’t feel I can trust anyone; I thought both these girls were right for me and that I was doing my best and they both dumped me. I also don’t really trust myself; at various points I hurt both of these girls. I’ve spent time this year getting to know a few female friends since then but haven’t ‘dated’ anyone. I’m just worried it won’t work out again. I also don't know if I should commit to someone right now: I have so much other stuff to sort out in my life. The first girlfriend has started talking to me a lot more this year (over facebook), just about work and her life and whatever, and saying she wants to be friends (or something). She has apologised a lot for the past (she’s matured a lot since then as well—she has a much more realistic view of life) and she says she really values my company. I’ve visited her a few times and some times we’ve ended up spending the night together. I try to avoid this (by warning her, by staying at someone else’s) because she always gets upset afterwards, but sometimes I just feel overcome when I see her and I can’t really resist. Last time this happened it got emotional (lots of cuddling etc) and she sent me a message the next day saying that if this was going to keep happening, she wanted it to be exclusive as long as it lasts (not necessarily a relationship, but no one else on the side). I told her that exclusivity is a form of commitment and I’m not looking for any commitment right now so we shouldn't see each other anymore. I guess that came off as harsh to her (I don’t really want commitment to anyone) but I felt I should be straight with her. She sent me back a really furious set of messages about how I’d been using her, how I was lying to her about not wanting to commit and that I’d date anyone, and then insulted my personality and life direction. She hasn't spoken to me since. I feel rubbish again. I guess she thought it was best for her to cut ties with me, but I’ve now hurt her and lost her as a friend. Part of me wonders if she was sort of right about the way I’ve treated her, or if I do have a genuinely awful personality. Part of me also wonders if I’m being an idiot in letting her go … but it’s not like I have other girls lining up to date me, and she is (rationally) a very good catch. But I don’t think she has the right to abuse me for not wanting to commit. I just don’t think I can let go of everything the past, or if our values really work together (she wants the easy life; I want to fix the problems I see in society). I still feel resentful towards her and tbh she does annoy me. I'm overcome when I see her but I sort of feel dead towards her and everyone else when I'm not around her. I haven’t really felt happy for nearly 2 years now—since the day when I told the first ex about my relationship with the now second ex. I only feel somewhat fulfilled when I’m thinking/writing or doing something good with my time. I guess I just don’t really know if I’m making the right decisions about any of this… even if I found someone else (which is surprisingly difficult) I just don’t see why it would end any better than these last relationships did. Maybe if nobody’s perfect or that perfectly suited for each other, then maybe, a few years from now, I will regret letting this ex go. I just feel miserable, like I'm in a fog—I try to distract myself with activities and work, but it’s only a temporary fix; I don’t really know what to do about this all.
Author footy1212 Posted May 1, 2016 Author Posted May 1, 2016 Any advice? I could use some advice on how to get out of this zombie-like state.
Author footy1212 Posted May 2, 2016 Author Posted May 2, 2016 And also some advice about what to do with the ex.. She is good friend but it seems like she can't handle being friends with me.. She always flies off the handle after we see each other, I guess it brings back bad memories or something. I think it'd be sad to lose her, but I don't want to date her.. But this middle ground isn't really working out (it feels like a very trivial relationship, she seems upset with it etc).
Recommended Posts