PinkPampies Posted May 1, 2016 Posted May 1, 2016 (edited) I'd like to post my break up story so I guess I can get some validation, or sympathy and perhaps provide warnings to others in my situation. Met last June. The attraction was magnetic. I am 1 and 1/2 years out of divorce, in my 40s and completely over my ex h. At first it was just sexual. No dates. I was completely fine with that because I was horny lol. Months later we hang out more. We were extremely compatible. He was successful, older kids, we got along great, no arguments, same personality, same views, etc. More months go by and beginning of this year he starts coming over my house after work. All the time. We sleep in same bed every night, do things with my kids, he is considerate, kind, great to my kids. I felt he was the one. He is divorced, and rarely he spoke about an ex girlfriend. He is completely entwined in my life at this point. I tell him I love him. I'm scared. He does not return he sentiment but starts being with me more. More "I miss You's" when we are not together, more sex, more snuggling, more dates, more family time. He went in. I figured I would be patient. About a month ago, a few days he is distant. Totally not the norm. I ask if he's ok but I have nagging gut feeling. He's not over my house now for several days. He's ok he says. Just tired. Right. I send him text asking what's up. "He's confused. And scared. " I tell him I love him and ok. Next day I get a blocked call from a woman. She wants me to know where he's been all week then hangs up on me. I do NOT play that. Not at my age because I've been there with ex husband. I call him and tell him to meet me so I can give all his belongings he left at my house. Turns out... It was his ex gf... Of over 4 years. He rarely spoke about her. Only that she broke up with him because he didn't communicate well enough. Come to find out from him that they broke up after we met. He had been seeing me while he was still with her. I had no idea. But it's my fault for not asking, because I didn't want to pry. He left me to go back to her. He says it was a tough decision, he cared for me, blah blah... Now. What I think happened is she got wind he was with someone else and came to mark her territory. He said he was torn. I didn't give him the option to think about it. I told him to F off. I immediately go nc but sent a text a few days later calling him out for using me as an emotional bandaid for 9 months and continuing in with me. He sent me back a bunch of bs. I told him to F off and immediately blocked. This was several weeks ago. Problem is, is that I was completely head over heels for him. Bad. My self esteem took a huge plunge. I was completely blindsided. Friends and family couldn't believe it because we were perfect for each other. I am moving on. I cannot believe I let that happen to me. There were red flags but I chose to ignore them because I had the rose glasses on. Never again. Edited May 1, 2016 by PinkPampies Title edit 1
Author PinkPampies Posted May 1, 2016 Author Posted May 1, 2016 Red flags: -He was egocentric. Not narcissistic. But big ego. -After the sexual fling in beginning, he spent every free moment with me. Always wanted to be together. -In the beginning, during just sex stage, it was never at his house, even though his kids were grown and out of the house. Again, I didn't want to pry, but hello! Huge red flag. -never added me on any social media, though he lived on it. I think it was so his ex wouldn't see that he was with someone so he didn't want to shut that door. -spoke very bad about his ex wife. -He 'drove' the entire relationship. In control the whole time. -referred to me as his 'friend' when he was on the phone or talking to people. Never his 'girlfriend'. Clearly, we were more than friends lol I did meet his friends and work colleagues several months into the relationship though. As well as his kids. Again, my rose colored glasses were on. I was so infatuated with him. As time went on and we got closer, he did tell friends, "oh I'm at pinkpampies house right now... Or pinkpampies and I saw a great movie last night..."
BC1980 Posted May 1, 2016 Posted May 1, 2016 He was never committed to you. You were never his girlfriend, and he never reciprocated your love for him. You were basically a FWB. That's honestly all this ever was and all it was ever going to be. He was just looking for some companionship and sex until another choice presented itself. When his ex GF came calling, that was the other choice that presented itself. Regardless of the ex GF, don't enter into a FWB situation unless you have no feelings for the person and can handle it. Those types of situations are for people who aren't in love with one another or waiting for commitment. Remove yourself at the first sign you are catching feelings. You say that you didn't know you were a rebound, but I don't even think you were that. You weren't his GF. He was pretty clear about that and kept you at arm's length. I think that you chose to believe this might be something else when all the evidence suggested it wouldn't. I know you can't see that type of stuff when you love a person, but it's clear as day to anyone from the outside looking in. You said you felt he was the one, but he never even wanted to be your BF. I think this entire thing was some kind of fantasy honestly. 1
BC1980 Posted May 1, 2016 Posted May 1, 2016 Red flags: -He was egocentric. Not narcissistic. But big ego. -After the sexual fling in beginning, he spent every free moment with me. Always wanted to be together. -In the beginning, during just sex stage, it was never at his house, even though his kids were grown and out of the house. Again, I didn't want to pry, but hello! Huge red flag. -never added me on any social media, though he lived on it. I think it was so his ex wouldn't see that he was with someone so he didn't want to shut that door. -spoke very bad about his ex wife. -He 'drove' the entire relationship. In control the whole time. -referred to me as his 'friend' when he was on the phone or talking to people. Never his 'girlfriend'. Clearly, we were more than friends lol I did meet his friends and work colleagues several months into the relationship though. As well as his kids. Again, my rose colored glasses were on. I was so infatuated with him. As time went on and we got closer, he did tell friends, "oh I'm at pinkpampies house right now... Or pinkpampies and I saw a great movie last night..." Not adding you on social media is huge red flag. That indicates he needs to hide you. The WHY is pretty clear. You've pieced that together. Yes, he drove the relationship. He had you there for sex but never offered commitment. You were a friend that he had sex with. To you, the sex meant something completely different. To him, the sex was not an indicator of commitment. Men and women tend to view sex very differently. Women most often take it as a sign of commitment, but many men don't see it that way. 1
Author PinkPampies Posted May 1, 2016 Author Posted May 1, 2016 I completely agree with you that he wasn't committed to me. Fwb? Yes. In the beginning. Last few months he basically lived with me. Cooked, cleaned together, holidays, church together, weekend trips with my kids, family dinners, hanging at his house, helping my kids, sleeping over every. Singe. Night. That's not Fwb. Told me had a hard time with his decision because he was with her for so long. Of course I know I was an option. I saw the red fags but ignored them. He shouldn't have played house with me though. Told me he was crazy about me. That's what I have a problem with. Maybe I a blind. 1
dumbass2 Posted May 1, 2016 Posted May 1, 2016 Just remember, that him and his ex girlfriend broke up once and chances are very good that it will not work a second time and he may be back later on. It is so important that you block this man completely out of your life. Do not leave any opening. My guess is that he will be back. I sense you fell hard for this guy and you're still going to have feelings for him. Don't fall for it. Once you break up with someone, it's just never the same and 99% of the time never works and is a waste of time for both. 1
Zahara Posted May 1, 2016 Posted May 1, 2016 Come to find out from him that they broke up after we met. He had been seeing me while he was still with her. Now. What I think happened is she got wind he was with someone else and came to mark her territory. So he was cheating on her. Another reason why you should never contemplate going back to him. I'm sure those weak moments will come. And I am sure he'll come snooping around at some point when things go wrong in his relationship with the ex. Last few months he basically lived with me. Cooked, cleaned together, holidays, church together, weekend trips with my kids, family dinners, hanging at his house, helping my kids, sleeping over every. Singe. Night. That's not Fwb. Well, this was an arrangement where he received all the benefits of a relationship minus the commitment. Next time don't wait that long to communicate where your relationship is going. Don't ever let him back in again. 1
elaine567 Posted May 1, 2016 Posted May 1, 2016 Last few months he basically lived with me. Cooked, cleaned together, holidays, church together, weekend trips with my kids, family dinners, hanging at his house, helping my kids, sleeping over every. Singe. Night. He shouldn't have played house with me though. Told me he was crazy about me. That's what I have a problem with. Maybe I a blind. It's not "fwb" but you are right, it is definitely is "rebound". He slotted you into the very space his ex occupied, when she split up with him. He completely entwined into your life, as he just substituted her with you. To you it felt so right and wonderful, like you had known him for years and years, such a warm and comfortable place to be. But as soon as she is back in the picture, he realises his mistake, YOU are not HER, and so he puts her back into her "rightful" slot and turfs you out. Just horrible for you. So sorry.
BC1980 Posted May 1, 2016 Posted May 1, 2016 I completely agree with you that he wasn't committed to me. Fwb? Yes. In the beginning. Last few months he basically lived with me. Cooked, cleaned together, holidays, church together, weekend trips with my kids, family dinners, hanging at his house, helping my kids, sleeping over every. Singe. Night. That's not Fwb. Told me had a hard time with his decision because he was with her for so long. Of course I know I was an option. I saw the red fags but ignored them. He shouldn't have played house with me though. Told me he was crazy about me. That's what I have a problem with. Maybe I a blind. What he did was pretty messed up, but don't allow someone to do that next time. Maybe it was more than FWB, but it was some kind of arrangement where he enjoyed benefits with no commitment. It's hard when your blinders are on. You always want to hope for the best. You are betting on the best outcome. Been there and done that. It's a hard fall back into reality when it comes.
dustin2016 Posted May 1, 2016 Posted May 1, 2016 I wouldnt be so hard on myself if I was you. Sure there were red flags, but there were plenty of green ones. ( though social media is definitely the deciding factor IMHO) Had I been in your shoes, and had things progressed the way you have detailed them, I would have made the same assumptions. You were pretty much set for life unless a cooler showed up, ( poker term meaning the one hand that could beat you ) Maybe had you know about this before hand, maybe if there was that open dialogue between you then when she showed back up there may have been a moment when he came to you first and sought help staying in, and staying away. But as long as it was a secret, when that one person re entered his life there wasnt any checks or balances in place to prevent him from going past the point of no return. For better or worse, many of us have that one person who's pull over us will always be undeniable, up until the time it isnt. In the future, with someone else ideally, Id suggest that the only change you make is to pry into matters a bit more thoroughly, especially as to where his heart resides. Who is the one person he would drop everything for. This is something everyone should know if and when they consider a committed relationship. And you should also know the same about yourself.
Author PinkPampies Posted May 1, 2016 Author Posted May 1, 2016 Dumbass (lol) yes I fell really hard for him. Zahara, excellent advice. He is BLOCKED. And has been. Though I fell really hard, if he came back, there is no way. No way at all I could do it. He was cheating on her anyway with me, and I didn't know. My ex h cheated on me for years. Homie don't play that lol. He really did a number on me though, I'll admit that :-( 2
Author PinkPampies Posted May 1, 2016 Author Posted May 1, 2016 I wouldnt be so hard on myself if I was you. Sure there were red flags, but there were plenty of green ones. ( though social media is definitely the deciding factor IMHO) Had I been in your shoes, and had things progressed the way you have detailed them, I would have made the same assumptions. You were pretty much set for life unless a cooler showed up, ( poker term meaning the one hand that could beat you ) Maybe had you know about this before hand, maybe if there was that open dialogue between you then when she showed back up there may have been a moment when he came to you first and sought help staying in, and staying away. But as long as it was a secret, when that one person re entered his life there wasnt any checks or balances in place to prevent him from going past the point of no return. For better or worse, many of us have that one person who's pull over us will always be undeniable, up until the time it isnt. In the future, with someone else ideally, Id suggest that the only change you make is to pry into matters a bit more thoroughly, especially as to where his heart resides. Who is the one person he would drop everything for. This is something everyone should know if and when they consider a committed relationship. And you should also know the same about yourself. Absolutely thank you so much Dustin. Beautifully said. I was just blindsided because during all our convos about ex's and whatnot, he never really mentioned her. I was under the assumption they had broken up long before we met. Had I have known, there is no way I would have gotten involved with him. I guess he lied by omission. Very selfish. In the future, I will definitely have an open dialogue. It was just things were progressing along normally, then in deep. Had I had known the circumstances, (other than him having a girlfriend)I would have had sex with him a few times, then bailed. I guess what goes around comes around. She dumped him in the past and only wanted him back when she found he was with someone else. She'll probably dump him again in the future. He put very bad juju out in he universe, with me on the receiving end. I made it clear to him, in very colorful language, that I would not be there when they broke up again. Again, I'm no novice. I'm in my 40s. Been married, dated, had relationships before and after marriage. This one just completely broke me. I had it for him in the worst way. But again, my friends and family didn't see the warning signs either.
dustin2016 Posted May 3, 2016 Posted May 3, 2016 But again, my friends and family didn't see the warning signs either. Definitely cant kick yourself too hard, if no one else was naysaying or seen this coming, how could you be expected to see it. I kick myself when everyone other then myself sees the danger, and I just merrily skip along and right over the edge Hindsight is 20-20 they say. With trust and patience being important parts of a relationship, I think you erred on the side of doing the right thing. Its wonderful and awful at the same time, love doesnt stop simply because its over. Thank you for sharing your history, it put a few things into perspective for me.
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