Can Girls Really Be This Cold Hearted?

[cac3232]

Over the last 5-6 months I've gotten really close with an employee of mine. She has a boyfriend of four years who lives out of state. I'm 37 and she's 24. We quickly bonded over work then things expanded to texting at night, going to concerts, games, etc. right before Christmas she texted me saying that whoever the girl I'm waiting for is going to be lucky because I'm such a great guy. At work we are inseparable and go to lunch together almost every day. On more than one occasion when apart for several days she has texted saying she misses me. She has visited my apt several times for dinner and just to hang out. Most of those times end with us cuddling on the couch. Just recently I bought a puppy which she absolutely adores. She has a key to my apt and will take care of it when I'm away. I put up some new pics of my family and she commented - the dog will get the girl and the family pics will reel her in even more. Ovee the last six weeks she has backed off considerably - less texting after work, not coming over at night and being super moody at work. It seemed to begin after a weekend trip with the boyfriend.

 

A few nights ago we went to happy hour. I'm tired of the mixed signals and hot and cold action so I put everything out there and told her how I felt. She said she is an only child and gets what she wants. Basically said she's been hanging out with me to gain advantages at work. Wth? I was not expecting this in a million years. Any chance that she does have feelings for me and isn't being honest with herself?

Edited May 7, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[RedPurpleOrange]

Drop it like it's hot.

[SugarLips72]

This has disaster written all over it. She has a boyfriend who she is almost cheating on with you, and is way to friendly with you considering she is not available. also you work together. If you are trying to make things incredibly awkward you are doing a good job. She has alot of gall to admit she is flirting to gain advantages at work. You are a real schmuck for falling for it. You already know this woman is trouble. Keep it purely business.

[iphone_user1]

Yeah, not only girls, but I've seen a lot people will do any kind of BS to get away with what they want. Be careful, drop her right now.

[Silveresque]

Sucks man, but that's why you don't go after taken women.

[elaine567]

I get that you are besotted, but she is too young for you, she is your subordinate, she has a long term bf, she is not interested in you past her own career advancement, she used you, and she is obviously very ambitious.

She could make a lot of trouble for you at work.

Let this go.

[RedPurpleOrange]

What's that Maya Angelou quote?

 

 

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them".

 

 

Something like that. She REALLY showed you. Devastating. Mike Tyson uppercut.

 

 

Pick yourself up and keep heading north until you find that river full of gold.

[Woggle]

You should have known from the jump that if she can't be true to her BF then she will surely lie to you.

[burnt]

Please do believe her when she says she's using you, because she is using you.

 

But look at the bright side--it's not everyday you have the privilege of running into an honest narcissist who's self reflective enough to admit having manipulative sociopathic tendencies.

 

Any chance that she does have feelings for me and isn't being honest with herself?

I hope not. Then you would really be in a deep ditch.

 

And to answer your main question:

Yes some people can really be this cold hearted.

Your only option is to stay clear off her. Be thankful you're not her boyfriend.

[LostOnes05]

She has a boyfriend...what else did you need to know?? Move on.

[Larryville]

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them".

RPO a quote that everyone should live their life by, the world is overrun with such screwed up human beings and everyday people get shocked when they get exposed to individuals like this...

 

Can Girls Really Be This Cold Hearted?

Has NOTHING to do with any specific gender... we are living in a world with so many rude, barbaric, insensitive and selfish people and frankly it isn't that freaking hard to spot them but people will still engage and waste precious time I guess trying to rehabilitate... or the sex must be amazing... Edited May 7, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[phineas]

LOL!

37 yr old hanging out with a 24yr old co-worker who has revealed her true self.

I was stupid like you once and in a similar situation once.

 

I was 30 and not a manager but technology at manager level & she was early 20's and when she got hot/cold I disregarded. She did not like that so when she revealed herself it was because she had already set the wheels in motion to get me fired for "stalking her".

 

except, she was dumb and I wasn't the only guy in the company she did this with plus I had phone records showing that communication between us for the last month had basically been one-way.

Her to me.

 

I'm 44 now and in decent shape and have had female co-workers in their early 20's that I have nothing to do with at work job wise hit on me and want to hang out.

 

I don't. as hot as they are i just feel like a creepy old pervert when it comes to anything romantic with them so I stay away.

 

you should of stayed away.

[RedPurpleOrange]

I had something like this, too. I was about 31/32. She was 21. Not as cold as this one but a mixed-up brat, a right D-teaser to me. Got blinded by infatuation for a couple months but saw sense pretty quick. Got a good feel of her boobies out of it, though, at least. Ended up being really good friends after everything, though, I still see her occasionally these days and we're just good chatting buddies. Great girl but baaaad girlfriend material. She's wised up a lot these days, thankfully, and is doing the 2.4 children thing. No bad feelings there.

 

 

OP, is this the same girl you mention in your other posts? If so, two years is a LOT of pain for no reward.

[smackie9]

Whether she used you for work or not, she did use you because her BF is out of state. Affection/attention was obviously lacking in her relationship so you were there picking up the slack.

 

I say yes she does have feelings for you because you two were having an emotional affair. I feel the feelings were more emotional attachment than romantic...and why do I say that? Because when a girl tells you, you will make some girl happy you are a great guy, it's her drawing a line in the sand saying this is far as it goes. There will be no relationship.

 

She has now pushed you away because she got busted by her BF. He may have seen some messages on her phone. To save face she has to erase you, or she will lose her BF. TBH I don't think she used you to advance in her job, she just said that to make sure you stay away from her permanently.

 

Emotional affairs sometime happen innocently enough, but when the workplace bonding turns into emotional attachment, fueled by their loneliness, one can definitely lose themselves into something that is like an addiction... pushing or even stepping over boundaries to satisfy their own need for affection/ to feel special. Some people will risk their marriage because the draw is so overwhelming and powerful. Her moodiness is her having to come down off the high she was getting from the affair. Being cut off is giving her symptoms of withdrawal.

 

I'm not saying she is innocent, or it is all excusable. She needs to take accountability for what happen and so do you. The advice giving from everyone is spot on. I get when we are in the thick of it, we get our head so stuck in the clouds we overlook the obvious red flags that could lead us to disappointment, and asking ourselves "What the hell was I thinking? Why am I being such a fool?" Hope there is a lesson learned here. A)don't get involved with someone that is in a relationship, no matter what they say, like things are about to end or are bad and they are planning on ending it. B) never dip your pen in the company ink. It's best to keep your professional life professional, and your private life separate. C) If it's too good to be true, then it is, don't be just cuddling on the couch someone you are not even dating....it's the kiss of death/ friends zone/ being someones cuddle b&*%#. You don't want to go there.

Edited May 1, 2016 by smackie9

[preraph]

Sounds to me like you might be over her at work some way and she just felt obligated to go along with whatever you wanted to keep you happy, which is of course the most common form of sexual harassment. So you cornered her and she told you that's all it was, just her trying to keep her job or further herself, which is, after all, what WORK is all about. If you are one of her supervisors some way, you are the one who is in the wrong. If you're not, don't see how catering to you could further her career. It's not fun for women at work when a supervisor gets the hots for them. It almost always screws up THEIR career and not yours.

[TXGuy]

I agree with the folks above, but I will also point out that if (when) this blows up, she is going to spin it that you were using your position of authority to sexually harass her. If that happens (and I'd say thats more likely than not), I imagine you will be out of a job (unless you work for yourself or are very close to the owner in a small shop). That said, you need to get out of this mess and do it with care.

[dustin2016]

This much is clear, you never mentioned the words "open relationship", so its doubtful at best and most likely a certainty that her boyfriend had no idea that you two were going out on dates.

 

Maybe im old fashioned, but I believe that its the intention thats the deciding factor, not the action. You dont cuddle and not call that cheating.

 

She was in a relationship, and clearly she lied and was deceptive about the affair you two were having. When things went wrong, she was busted somehow, and she chose her BF over you.

 

Any and all reasons that woman cited or gave you must be discounted and seen as lies.

 

She has a proven track record of self serving manipulation, and never forget that the most effective lies are 95% truth.

 

Now, the only question you have to really answer is is she in your past, or do you still see her as part of your future? You dont have to answer it here, but thats the only real question there is.

 

If you see her as a part of your past, then accept that whatever her real reasons or intentions were, you will never know. And its possible she will never really know either. Most of life and the decisions made by those who cheat, arent even decisions at all. Just a random careening from one desire to another, with no rational plan, rhyme or reason to any of it. Move on, and focus your mental time on something useful, and productive.

 

However, if you still see this woman as a part of your future then heres my best advice to you. Accept that you are a means to an end, and regardless of how things went on any given night or day or conversation, the ending you experienced already is the best outcome possible. Anything that follows will be substantially more devastating. Just dont fool yourself into thinking that things can or would change if XXXXX happened. Her natural state of existence for four years has been to bounce between 2 or more different partners. Even if she left her boyfriend for you, someone else would have to take your place for the status quo to be maintained.

 

I feel for you, I married a woman like this, I imagine she even had a very condescending tone when she called herself a "bitch"

[Jabron1]

Sucks man, but that's why you don't go after taken women.

 

Whether she's 'taken' or not doesn't mean anything. Certainly doesn't mean anything to the OP, and doesn't mean much to the girl either.

 

OP needs to learn to escalate. Basically, to push until he gets a hard rejection. It filters out the timewasters.

 

I met a girl off of Tinder last year. First date, we are kissing. Then, she tells me that she has a boyfriend . But, I'm low on options, and so I start texting her again a couple of weeks later. We go out again, and this time we shag. I never hear from her again . I suppose that I could have been led around by the nose for months too, if I'd have messed around like OP did.

 

If OP would have just made a move whilst she was on his couch, he probably would have got laid. It could have easily turned into a 'friends with benefits' situation. Instead, he ends up feeling 'used' and 'manipulated'.

 

Truth is that he has to take responsibility for himself here.

 

Soft guys get 'used'. Scared guys get 'used'. So-called 'nice guys' get used.

 

A few nights ago we went to happy hour. I'm tired of the mixed signals and hot and cold action so I put everything out there and told her how I felt.

 

To splurge your 'feelings' is like the apex act of every beta-male that ever lived.

 

Only time that ever goes down well is when the girl is already completely sold on you. Even then it's still a daft thing to do.

 

Any chance that she does have feelings for me and isn't being honest with herself? Or is she really just a cold hearted, manipulative bitch?

 

Dump her, and learn from it.

 

Don't go out with girls from work. Stop going on about your 'feelings', and make your move instead. Lead.

 

Most of all, really try hard not to take on a victim mentality over this. Accept responsibility for your part in things instead - which is damn considerable.

[Jabron1]

LOL!

37 yr old hanging out with a 24yr old co-worker who has revealed her true self.

I was stupid like you once and in a similar situation once.

 

I was 30 and not a manager but technology at manager level & she was early 20's and when she got hot/cold I disregarded. She did not like that so when she revealed herself it was because she had already set the wheels in motion to get me fired for "stalking her".

 

except, she was dumb and I wasn't the only guy in the company she did this with plus I had phone records showing that communication between us for the last month had basically been one-way.

Her to me.

 

I'm 44 now and in decent shape and have had female co-workers in their early 20's that I have nothing to do with at work job wise hit on me and want to hang out.

 

I don't. as hot as they are i just feel like a creepy old pervert when it comes to anything romantic with them so I stay away.

 

you should of stayed away.

 

Sounds to me like you might be over her at work some way and she just felt obligated to go along with whatever you wanted to keep you happy, which is of course the most common form of sexual harassment. So you cornered her and she told you that's all it was, just her trying to keep her job or further herself, which is, after all, what WORK is all about. If you are one of her supervisors some way, you are the one who is in the wrong. If you're not, don't see how catering to you could further her career. It's not fun for women at work when a supervisor gets the hots for them. It almost always screws up THEIR career and not yours.

 

I agree with the folks above, but I will also point out that if (when) this blows up, she is going to spin it that you were using your position of authority to sexually harass her. If that happens (and I'd say thats more likely than not), I imagine you will be out of a job (unless you work for yourself or are very close to the owner in a small shop). That said, you need to get out of this mess and do it with care.

 

I have always said that dating co-workers is a stupid idea, and that one of the reasons it's a stupid idea is sexual harassment law. That idea has been scoffed at a bunch of times on here

 

Anyone that's ever been through the hell that is a scorned lover at work knows how stupid it is to sh*t where you eat.

 

One of the many takeaways from this thread. OP should have a lot of food for thought.

[BlueIris]

Any chance that she does have feelings for me and isn't being honest with herself? Or is she really just a cold hearted, manipulative bitch?

 

No, I don’t think so. If you’d wanted a romantic relationship with her, you should have brought it up at month1-2.

 

When your livelihood is at stake, of course you’re nicer and more accommodating to the superior at work. I wonder what she was thinking as this escalated. One possibility is that she felt trapped. Also, I’d bet her BF knows about you and that she’d talked to him about this “relationship.” She publicly posted the comment about the dog.

 

She called herself a bitch, said she is an only child and gets what she wants. Basically said she's been hanging out with me to gain advantages at work. Wth?

 

This could be a version of the “It’s not you; it’s me” escape valve.

 

Basically said she's been hanging out with me to gain advantages at work. Wth?

Did she really have a choice? Look at how pissed you are at her now for not reciprocating your feelings. Will she get a fair shake at work now?

[Shanex]

 

OP needs to learn to escalate. Basically, to push until he gets a hard rejection. It filters out the timewasters.

 

I met a girl off of Tinder last year. First date, we are kissing. Then, she tells me that she has a boyfriend . But, I'm low on options, and so I start texting her again a couple of weeks later. We go out again, and this time we shag. I never hear from her again . I suppose that I could have been led around by the nose for months too, if I'd have messed around like OP did.

 

Some truth telling here, unfortunately not every guy is as persistant as you are, If your only goal is to get laid then it's the way to go.

 

I wouldn't call manipulation or games here OP. Jab is on to something, countless people are time waster online. And some will admit it bluntly ''here to talk'' well, yeah you can talk to a different chick every month and never met or you can push and get laid every month with a different lady. I'm exaggerating a bit, but sometimes you gotta push and ask for a freaking date, even if it's just fwb. Or f-buddy

[Jabron1]

No, I don’t think so. If you’d wanted a romantic relationship with her, you should have brought it up at month1-2.

 

When your livelihood is at stake, of course you’re nicer and more accommodating to the superior at work. I wonder what she was thinking as this escalated. One possibility is that she felt trapped. Also, I’d bet her BF knows about you and that she’d talked to him about this “relationship.” She publicly posted the comment about the dog.

 

 

 

This could be a version of the “It’s not you; it’s me” escape valve.

 

Did she really have a choice? Look at how pissed you are at her now for not reciprocating your feelings. Will she get a fair shake at work now?

 

Yeah, she felt so trapped that she went out with him all the time. Went to his place for dinner, and would cuddle with him on his couch

 

This kind of nonsense is exactly why the OP should have covered his arse by not dating in the workplace.

 

Some truth telling here, unfortunately not every guy is as persistant as you are, If your only goal is to get laid then it's the way to go.

 

I wouldn't call manipulation or games here OP. Jab is on to something, countless people are time waster online. And some will admit it bluntly ''here to talk'' well, yeah you can talk to a different chick every month and never met or you can push and get laid every month with a different lady. I'm exaggerating a bit, but sometimes you gotta push and ask for a freaking date, even if it's just fwb. Or f-buddy

 

It's not even really that persistent, mate. If she wouldn't have replied, I'd have not bothered.

 

Just sort of following the road to see where it leads

Edited May 1, 2016 by Jabron1

[BlueIris]

This kind of nonsense is exactly why the OP should have covered his arse by not dating in the workplace.

 

Oh, I agree! Especially not with someone with less power.

 

People who have romantic or sexual agendas at work are a pain in the neck. They just muck up things.