I pushed my boyfriend yesterday

[ladeedee]

Hi all,

 

I am feeling awful as a person.

 

This past year and a half has been really big for me. To start with, my boyfriend and I have been dating 5 years. I dealt with ex issues who was verbally abusive towards me the couple years before that. The ex continued to harass me and that trailed into my current relationship for about a year until we finally threatened police action after I'd been documenting things.

 

My boyfriend had alcohol issues- we struggled with that for about 2 years. Finally I told him he needs to work on a program or I would have to do what's best for me. Fortunately he started outpatient treatment, joined AA, found a wonderful sponsor, and has been sober for over a year now.

 

I graduated with my master's, I bought the house we live in 6 months ago, and I have a full-time job while he is doing one class a semester to become a teacher.

 

On top of that, I've been struggling with some things at work, my family, I had a previous boss who taught me a lot pass away from pancreatic cancer (diagnosed late and died within 2 months).

 

I have pushed my boyfriend before-- both of these times I was pushing him away from me, to stay away from me. I was so upset and frustrated that I wanted him to give me space because I felt so internally aggressive. I practically yelled him to please go away, please leave me alone... but it wasn't coming. I'm not perfect, but when I know when I feel that "fight or flight"... that's how I've noticed I get. I 95% am left alone to calm down.

 

The other time I pushed him away was about 2 years ago-- same issue. He would come towards me when I felt this way and I pushed him to get away from me. Yesterday, this time, I also hit him w/ my knit hat. It was like... I felt the pains of how I struggle sometimes with his anxiety and his alcoholism crept up. My frustrations of that.

 

I feel terrible. He is good to me. He has not done anything to me but try to get through life with the tools made available to him. Yesterday, everything and absolutely everything came out of me in this way.

 

I told him I was sorry--- after this all happened, I had a hysterical sob for I don't know how long and he said he was scared while he tried to help me. Like I said before, it was like everything just poured out of me like it hadn't been. My bf told me he was wondering the past couple of months when I was going to cry like that. He pointed out things like it isn't okay that I push him away and that I need to find ways to deal with it when I start to feel that physical frustration. I knew I was feeling that way and needed space. When I think of how I told him to leave me alone it seems like that was all I said for minutes...minutes that I could have had to calm down and not act like that. I felt like I was caged when he continued to stay near me.

 

We talked about if the shoe were on the other foot--- and how unacceptable his behavior would be. I just feel loss and upset with myself.

[elaine567]

Residual anger is quite common in people who have been emotionally abused, add to that the fact your bf has also had loads of issues, it is no surprise you are feeling the strain.

Perhaps seeking professional help here would be best.

 

 

https://www.mentalhelp.net/articles/some-thoughts-about-victimization-anger-and-abuse/

[ladeedee]

Thanks for that link-- that was a very helpful read.

 

I decided to look into counseling in the area. I did go for about 2 months a year ago when my bf first started the steps in AA. I feel like it's time for me again to look into it.

[ExpatInItaly]

Thanks for that link-- that was a very helpful read.

 

I decided to look into counseling in the area. I did go for about 2 months a year ago when my bf first started the steps in AA. I feel like it's time for me again to look into it.

 

Why did you stop attending?

[ladeedee]

It was through my university, so I could have gone for about another month more before I graduated with my master's degree. But the reason was that I started to feel uncomfortable with my counselor. The more I opened up, and cried the only time in front of him, he told me that it bothers him that people would be so mean and unthinking to good people. Once this happened, the next couple of visits I saw him look at my legs and look at me up and down. It made me uncomfortable after I had opened up to him emotionally, so I stopped going. I didn't want to share anymore after the way I saw him look at me.

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes, I can see why you stopped visiting that counselor.

 

I would recommend seeing a different one. You have a lot of pent-up frustration and becoming physically aggressive is of course unacceptable. I was pushed by an ex-boyfriend and I can tell you it completely changed the way I looked at him.

 

It's good that you recognize how wrong it was. Take the next step and seek help for the issues that are eating at you.

[ladeedee]

I was pushed by my ex-boyfriend too... and by my mom when I was in my early 20s. My mom pushed my dad too. It's really bizarre how this has happened because I know how I felt when it was *to* me. But yet, here this happened with me towards someone I really love. It really is tearing me up, and I feel incredibly guilty.

 

He is being very sweet to me today; but I just feel like I'm not a good person, and I don't want to hurt him. I really wish it hadn't happened.

 

There's a lot of stuff that I started to go through when I did see that other counselor last year that has to do with my mom, and I really wished I could have gone deeper, but I felt like my trust with him was broken.

 

When I did see him, he did ask me "Did you mourn that/Did you grieve?" And the answer always has felt like... I don't know how to grieve some things that have happened. All these events that have happened to me since I was a kid, or things I saw, I've been carrying around. I don't know how to grieve them. Once I remembered that this morning, it just seems all too clear I need to release these things and talk to a counselor.

[amaysngrace]

You sound overly stressed and sad about the loss of your boss and mentor.

 

If you witnessed somebody close to you reacting to stress by pushing then how did you expect to react when you are so stressed out?

 

I think you're being very hard on yourself. He could have respected your boundaries when you first asked him to back off too. He didn't. Not saying that what you did was right because it wasn't but I understand why you'd feel caged in.

[DevotedBaker54]

That's a very valid point your bf has about what would happen if he was the one who pushed you. There is definitely a double standard when it comes to physical abuse. I think your bf wants you to be able to calm yourself down before you have an outburst. Have you considered talking to a social worker or a therapist? Maybe you can learn good ways to prevent your outbursts and find healthy ways to deal with your anger. It sounds like your bf is very supportive so I wish you two the best

[smackie9]

Behavior stems from childhood. What had happened to you that made you choose to be with someone with issues such as alcoholism or abusive behavior, to be in a relationship with?

[ladeedee]

Yes, it definitely was a valid point he made, and he is right. I already decided I want to go talk to a counselor to talk about these things and where it stems from. I feel that I have a lot of unresolved things from my past of which I only scratched the surface when I saw a counselor a year ago. I know a lot has to do with my mom.

 

He is definitely very supportive. I was there for him when he first became sober which was difficult for the both of us. Now it is his turn for him to help me the way I have helped him. It's just what we do. We're a team.

 

Well- I did not see alcoholism from the beginning. I don't know if anyone really sees those issues immediately- some of the people with those issues don't know either. You know the saying, "The person with the problem is the last to know." As I said before, there was an ultimatum if he did not seek help because it was at the point where I was willing to let go and move on. Once he started to care about his own life more, thanks to AA, he's made huge strides. If he is willing to work on himself because he wants to, then I am really lucky. He continues to work every day, and he developed spirituality. He found meaning in life on his own. Now that he's learning happiness, I am happy. I'm connected with him in that way. When he's at peace, so am I. When I'm at peace, so is he. So we work together.

 

Smackie9-- I could go into it, but I think I'm going to leave that kind of discussion with a counselor. It is just too big of a book.

[Popsicle]

Every guy I've ever been with, even the one I'm with now, has ENCOURAGED me to hit them when I'm upset. Like they literally say "if you get mad at me just hit/slap me". I'm like wtf, no, I'm not a violent person! But they just keep saying it. I think it's really twisted and I've never understood it. There must be something about me that evokes men to tell me to hit him.

 

So, in short, I wouldn't worry about it. He probably liked it!

Edited May 3, 2016 by Popsicle

[ladeedee]

 

So, in short, I wouldn't worry about it. He probably liked it!

 

I completely disagree. He did not like it. And I never want to do that again to him because my behavior was unacceptable.

 

I wouldn't "like it" if I was in his shoes either. Considering his own past, that would be, yes, twisted. Doesn't make it okay.

 

Would you ever say that to those ex bf's of yours if they were mad? To let them unfold and beat you back? There is definitely a double standard, and women need to be held to the same responsibility.

 

I scared him, as he told me. I was so angry, and he said I lost control. Again, what I did was not okay nor enjoyed.

[Popsicle]

I completely disagree. He did not like it. And I never want to do that again to him because my behavior was unacceptable.

 

I wouldn't "like it" if I was in his shoes either. Considering his own past, that would be, yes, twisted. Doesn't make it okay.

 

Would you ever say that to those ex bf's of yours if they were mad? To let them unfold and beat you back? There is definitely a double standard, and women need to be held to the same responsibility.

 

I scared him, as he told me. I was so angry, and he said I lost control. Again, what I did was not okay nor enjoyed.

 

Nope, I wouldn't tolerate being hit for a second and would have him arrested.

 

Still doesn't change what I said my experiences have been, which as I said before, I do find weird, but they wanted for me to hit them. (I never did it or wanted to)

 

So if you think you have an anger management problem, them maybe look into taking some classes.