Lost my pocket Posted June 20, 2005 Posted June 20, 2005 My bf and I have been together for 18 months, we are very happy generally, no arguing, lots of respect etc etc, but last night I came to a realisation that’s made me understand why internally I have felt a little frustrated with him and I have started to feel a bit edgy, not as loving. I know the bonding hormones start to wear off at this time, and I need to start working harder to keep things fresh and intimate and alive in all areas. My issue is this – we have never really totally gelled sexually. We have had good sex, but we havent had GREAT sex for about 6 months, I think he feels differently. I prefer a lot of non direct contact before I am ready for direct contact to get me ready for that direct contact, otherwise no matter how much direct contact we have, I am never going to get there. I have tried to slow him down a bit, I have mentioned slowing down but he still guides me to his err, hot spot within minutes of us getting going. I have tried to show him, indirectly by doing to him what I would like doing to me but he still gets impatient and wants the direct contact. I am talking things like kissing his back and legs and such, keeping a bit of teasing going so by the time you get there, you are desperate for more. I know the easiest thing to do is to tell him, which I may have to do, but I don’t want to be so direct about his technique until I have to - obviously i will be tactful. My question to the boys is this: for those who feel that the only sexual contact worth having is your penis, do you not feel pleasure from other non direct contact? If you are impatient to get to the headlining act, does the rest feel like a waste of time if you are already ready? I feel that when I do things to him that I want him to do to me, he doesnt feel it the way I do – I am going to ask him, but hes too ticklish to let me do anything to him for too long, and then when I do things that don’t tickle him, he doesn’t seem to react – his eyes don’t close, he doesn’t squirm with enjoyment. Do some men just not get pleasure until its right THERE? Last night we started getting down to it, he was quite rough with no previous stimulation, so I asked him to be more gentle and he reaslised it was going to hurt me and I wasn’t getting any wetter, and he said hed get the cream. My frustration got the better of me and I told him that cream would make it hurt less, but it wouldn’t get me off. I realised I am goingt o have to tackle this, think it through and deal with it sensitively, as he then said ‘don’t I turn you on?’ – I said you make me wantt o have sex, but I am not ready for it. So he went to sleep!!!! I was actually fine with that as I was tired – we both were so it wasn’t that big a deal, but I feel that hed rather not if we have to work at it. Actually, I just don’t think he realises, I told him I don’t have a hair trigger like him, and we laughed and I suggested a ‘sex night’ this week, so I feel this is the time I really need to deal with this, if I don’t, it might lead to resentment when it is dealt with later on. I am a bit nervous, but will talk to him. Id like to know if some men just don’t feel taking your time is enjoyable. Hes never had a relationship this long before, so never had to get past the take-me-anywhere stage before which I don’t think is helping. I realise this should be under a different section but my server wont let me open the sexual health section.
ReluctantRomeo Posted June 20, 2005 Posted June 20, 2005 Originally posted by Lost my pocket I have tried to show him, indirectly by doing to him what I would like doing to me but he still gets impatient and wants the direct contact. I am talking things like kissing his back and legs and such, keeping a bit of teasing going so by the time you get there, you are desperate for more. I know the easiest thing to do is to tell him, which I may have to do, but I don’t want to be so direct about his technique until I have to - obviously i will be tactful. Direct works better with guys. Your problem with communication is at least half the problem here. Sorry to be blunt, but you'll find it works wonders. Newsflash: we guys LEARN how to please a woman. We're keen to learn, but we're not born have an instruction manual embedded in our brain. As his first serious gf, you have no-one to blame but yourself if you're not telling him what works for you. Spell it out. Demonstrate if necessary. Be tactful, but clear. No indirect hints. Direct explanations, with reasons why. He'll enjoy it. I realise this should be under a different section but my server wont let me open the sexual health section. Actually, I think it's a communication problem, not a sex problem.
Lost my Pocket Posted June 20, 2005 Posted June 20, 2005 Thanks v much for your reply romeo – not all guys are blessed name like yours!! I completely agree, it is a communication issue in that so far, the hints haven’t been taken up and I need to be more direct with how I deal with this – but I don’t really want to do this. I realise I HAVE to, I have first hand knowledge of how this affects the rest of a relationship and I have suffered the fall-out of not tackling this before. If I end up frustrated, it has further reaching effects and I SO don’t want to go and mess up other areas, or be frustrated. Its something I have never done before and I am quite shy, ridiculous as it sounds. It’s the chance for me to get out of a comfort zone and do something that will benefit my relationship and bring intimacy beyond my past experiences. But I feel stupid. I find talking about sex SO difficult, my last bf just instinctively knew what worked so I was let off the hook. My current bf just doesn’t seem to have the touch, but hes not really don’t things that could GIVE him the touch if you get me. I also don’t get WHY he doesn’t seem to enjoy the more sensual aspects – he can’t enjoy them as he wants to completely omit them. If he enjoyed them, then why miss them out? Does he just not KNOW he enjoys them because hes never tried to take it slow? He's all about action, in all areas of his life. I am worried that I will be making him do things he finds surplus to requirements, although I am aware I am assuming…. But hes 25, hes not some 18 yr old dry humping my leg….Id still like to know if any men actually don’t mind missing foreplay out because they get what they need from actual sex. I also remember reading something at the beginning of our relationship that said something along the lines of “the only people who are bad in bed are those that don’t say what they want” - that stuck with me.
moimeme Posted June 20, 2005 Posted June 20, 2005 I know the easiest thing to do is to tell him, which I may have to do Unless he's a mind-reader, that's exactly what you have to do. Sexual technique is a learned behaviour and if you don't give him information about what you like and what works for you, he can't learn.
ReluctantRomeo Posted June 20, 2005 Posted June 20, 2005 Originally posted by moimeme Unless he's a mind-reader Actually, some of us are. Let's see, right now you're thinking of... ... chocolate?
moimeme Posted June 20, 2005 Posted June 20, 2005 Actually, some of us are. Let's see, right now you're thinking of... ... chocolate? Sir, you know me too well!
ReluctantRomeo Posted June 20, 2005 Posted June 20, 2005 Originally posted by moimeme Sir, you know me too well!
Mr Spock Posted June 20, 2005 Posted June 20, 2005 I think that now that the relationship is settling down a bit you're suffering from what lots of other couples suffer from-loss of foreplay. Tell him you need him to put the effort into sex, or it doesn nothing for you.
noname Posted June 20, 2005 Posted June 20, 2005 Originally posted by ReluctantRomeo Direct works better with guys. Your problem with communication is at least half the problem here. Sorry to be blunt, but you'll find it works wonders. Newsflash: we guys LEARN how to please a woman. We're keen to learn, but we're not born have an instruction manual embedded in our brain. As his first serious gf, you have no-one to blame but yourself if you're not telling him what works for you. Spell it out. Demonstrate if necessary. Be tactful, but clear. No indirect hints. Direct explanations, with reasons why. He'll enjoy it. Actually, I think it's a communication problem, not a sex problem. exactly. hints = obscurity. tell him without embarrassment. and i would add also that you have to also be understanding and respect that while you like that contact, he may not. not all men are the same just as not all women enjoy the same things. so to some, that playful teasing kissing on the back and stuff may be just plain annoying. bottom line- communicate...
Lost my pocket Posted June 20, 2005 Posted June 20, 2005 I did reply an hour or so ago but my reply hasnt been posted as yet. Hopefully it will appear soon but effectively it said i was aware of the fact it was a communication issue and i have always borne in mind the saying "the only people who are bad in bed are those who dont say what they want" That makes me bad in bed!!! NOT good. Romeo, stop using my thread to chat the girls up. :-) Spock - you are right too, things ARE settling down, but i am having trouble in making the move from being a newly-wed so to speak, to being comfortable and finding the communication easy - a bit like moving from The Rules (heaven forbid i ever employed that tripe) to established relationship where the barriers are down and you both accept you are together without having to be on your best behaviour or the bullsh*t I am shy, i am worried that my requests wont be his 'thing' (i know i have to ask that to find out), i am worried that if we go into 'comfortable' with each other, the spark will go - too many failed relationships behind me easily go to the next step. BUT... i KNOW where i went wrong in the past and it doesnt apply here. Its never as simple with sexual problems as it first seems, but at least this has helped me look at what the issues are, although i am still confused as to whether the sexual issues are causing the communication probs & building irritation, i know hes feeling a bit of a drop in self confidence too - or the other way round - did the egg or the chicken come first. although in my case, i know its not me that came first damit!
crazy_grl Posted June 20, 2005 Posted June 20, 2005 Originally posted by Lost my pocket Its never as simple with sexual problems as it first seems, but at least this has helped me look at what the issues are, although i am still confused as to whether the sexual issues are causing the communication probs & building irritation, i know hes feeling a bit of a drop in self confidence too - or the other way round - did the egg or the chicken come first. It looks like the communication problems in the bedroom are just bleeding over and causing frustration in other areas. So your non-sexual communication problems are being caused by the sexual ones. So, the communication problem came first.
BeachGirl42 Posted June 20, 2005 Posted June 20, 2005 I got into a relationship with this guy who bragged about how "experienced" he was with alot of women. He claimed there was nothing he hadn't done or experienced........!!!! He had porn mags, etc., so I thought this guy would know what he's doing in bed.....WRONG!!! Funny, I dumped him because he had no clue how to get me off - he was like a horny dog humping a leg everytime we had sex. It was AWFUL SEX!!! I tried communicating until I was blue in the face....he still couldn't figure out that I wanted to have an orgasm too - I would fall asleep with boredom when he'd whip it out. He was pitiful - I would politely tell him how to do it and he'd give me blank stares - he had no idea how to please a woman - only himself (BORING!!!!!). Men who brag like this usually don't know squat - run the other way. Sometimes no matter how much you communicate they are just too selfish to put forth effort in pleasing you. If this is the case - dump them and find someone better - don't waste you time trying to teach an old dog new tricks.
Lost My Pocket Posted June 21, 2005 Posted June 21, 2005 I am so lucky, the way my bf behaved last night just confirmed again – as he does every time – that he’s worth his weight in gold. I got home and he told me he was a bit worried about the night before, I didn’t want to talk then as it felt a bit like the night before – jumping in with no conversational foreplay – so I told him not to worry, that we’d sort things out and could we warm up to it a bit which he smiled at and laughed. So we decided to go for a walk, get away from the television and spend some ‘us’ time. When we got home, he gave me a hand massage as I hurt my hand when we were play fighting a few nights ago and he rolled off the bed on top of me and bent my fingers back. We went from there, and he was HOT. I managed to tell him what I wanted, but more in a dominant way than instructional, so we incorporated the ‘talk’ into the sex and it was great!!! We’d hit a bit of a rut, last night gave us a bit of a kick start which was needed, things went downhill in a gradual process. It was interesting in that I can see how it started to go wrong. We weren’t communication properly because up until recently, the excitement of being with each other was enough, when the excitement starts wearing off, we need to communicate more, we don’t talk easily so misunderstandings happened, we both started to lose confidence in bed so the sex became formulaic. He can be selfish in bed, and I don’t mind that some of the time, and he’s never, ever selfish out of bed. I think to give your partner a night to be selfish is nice occasionally, and last night it was my turn so I am grinning ear to ear today! Sex needs working at, relationships need working at. I dont do either easily and i am glad we had this issue because it shows me how much better things are with a bit of 'work' - although it didnt feel like work last night!
ReluctantRomeo Posted June 21, 2005 Posted June 21, 2005 Originally posted by Lost my pocket That makes me bad in bed!!! NOT good. Honey, it just means you're young and need to learn more about communicating with guys. Sort this out and I bet you'll be a ball of fire in bed Romeo, stop using my thread to chat the girls up. :-) Ooops, sorry. Just call it an ethnic weakness I am shy, i am worried that my requests wont be his 'thing' (i know i have to ask that to find out), I think most guys like requests. In fact, the drop in self-confidence you mention may well be because he knows it's not working in bed and is beating himself up about it. Guys tend to feel responsible for giving the girl a good time and take it very personally, but often find it difficult to talk about it. i am worried that if we go into 'comfortable' with each other, the spark will go This is inevitable. Long term relationships have other charms.
ReluctantRomeo Posted June 21, 2005 Posted June 21, 2005 Originally posted by Lost my Pocket Thanks v much for your reply romeo – not all guys are blessed name like yours!! But I feel stupid. I find talking about sex SO difficult, my last bf just instinctively knew what worked so I was let off the hook. Your last bf had already been "trained" by a previous gf. And things could probably have been better if you had given clearer instructions specific to you. Does he just not KNOW he enjoys them because hes never tried to take it slow? He's all about action, in all areas of his life. I am worried that I will be making him do things he finds surplus to requirements….Id still like to know if any men actually don’t mind missing foreplay out because they get what they need from actual sex. I suspect most guys don't do foreplay for themselves. What we enjoy the most is that pleases the woman we love. Knowing how much it pleases you is his payback and what will make foreplay important for him. Bottom line: no feedback, no foreplay.
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