ExpatInItaly Posted May 2, 2016 Posted May 2, 2016 Sure, I just wished he could be more attentive, and he said he'd work on the "last minute" plan thing. As for getting into a serious relationship, if he decides that it's not something he can commit to, maybe he wasn't that interested in me in the first place. When we talked on the phone, he kept reassuring me that I was not an option and that he'd never done a lot of the things he did with me with anyone else. He also revealed a lot of information I was not aware of before, like he doesn't have a lot of relationship experience besides a long distance one a few years back, so he's not sure exactly how to keep seeing a girl without sacrificing too much of his alone time while also keeping her interested. To him it's a tough balance there. He also mentioned that if we'd just spent a whole weekend together, he usually needs a break (just to recover from a lot of social interaction but not actually tired of me) for a day or two. It sounds to me that he doesn't really know what he wants and what a committed relationship involves. I don't think that's entirely fair. Plenty of people, myself included, function well in committed relationships which are balanced with alone time. This doesn't mean he doesn't want to commit or doesn't know what he wants. It simply means he has different needs for space than you do. It doesn't mean either of you is wrong; you just have different expectations. This can still work, but I don't think you should be operating under the assumption that he's necessarily looking for a casual relationship either. Ask yourself some questions: How much time would you ideally like to spend together? What are your needs with regards to together time and alone time? In your opinion, what does a committed relationship involve? I agree with Katiegirl; I think you need to relax a bit. He now knows you're not comfortable with the current status, so all you can do is give him the time you suggested he take to think it through. You might indeed find this isn't working for you, and that's okay. However, it sounds to me like you're operating out of fear of rejection (ie assuming you're a last-minute option) which is a risky venture. 1
Author adilaurentis Posted May 2, 2016 Author Posted May 2, 2016 How long have you been dating? Weeks? Months? It takes dating a person for a few months before deciding if you want something serious with *that person*. With respect, I don't see how your pushing (pressuring) him about it helped your cause. Which is no doubt what he feels you are doing. And the irony is, that a couple who *are* in a serious relationship with each other DO behave quite spontaneously with each other. The formalities are gone, so last minute invites become the norm in many instances. Do you ever initiate? If so, do you plan in advance? And if you don't initiate sometimes, why not? Jmo, but I think you are being too intense about this. Relax, let things progress naturally and gradually, he sounds like a good guy to me! His space needs may be greater than yours, but in time, as he begins to get more comfortable and trust you more, those space needs will diminish. And I see nothing wrong with needing a day (or two) to oneself after spending all weekend with your partner either. Especially in early stages. I often do! And so did my bf of six years (now ex). Anyway, I hope it works out for ya.... Good luck! Good points, Katiegrl. We've been dating for a bit short of 4 months. It started out really slowly and things only got more serious about two months or so ago. He definitely seems to have greater space needs, although I wouldn't be able to deal with it well either if someone's too clingy. I've never really asked him out, which he's pointed out once, and he's been the one planning our dates the entire time. I'd initiate contact when we don't see each other but previous failed relationships have made me more guarded and I want to leave it to the guy to show his interest. I'm not even sure if we're on a "break" or not right now. But I think if he's interested enough he'd reach out and come back. Or maybe I should reach out to him for a change.
ExpatInItaly Posted May 2, 2016 Posted May 2, 2016 Good points, Katiegrl. We've been dating for a bit short of 4 months. It started out really slowly and things only got more serious about two months or so ago. He definitely seems to have greater space needs, although I wouldn't be able to deal with it well either if someone's too clingy. I've never really asked him out, which he's pointed out once, and he's been the one planning our dates the entire time. I'd initiate contact when we don't see each other but previous failed relationships have made me more guarded and I want to leave it to the guy to show his interest. I'm not even sure if we're on a "break" or not right now. But I think if he's interested enough he'd reach out and come back. Or maybe I should reach out to him for a change. Girl, you need to let your walls down a bit. Giving him a hard time when you don't plan anything yourself isn't fair. If he's always initiating while you sit back and just wait...you could be coming across disinterested yourself. Don't punish this guy for others' mistakes. 5
losangelena Posted May 2, 2016 Posted May 2, 2016 For the love of Pete, initiate a plan yourself! At four months? Sorry, that's way long enough to get a feel for his intentions and to reciprocate. Not to generalize, but a lot of men aren't good at planning. Many of them would LOVE for a woman to plan a date sometime and invite them. Especially a man with little relationship experience. Help a dude out. I think it shows that you're also interested and invested. It's a relationship, not a score card. 4
Jabron1 Posted May 2, 2016 Posted May 2, 2016 Sure, I just wished he could be more attentive, and he said he'd work on the "last minute" plan thing. As for getting into a serious relationship, if he decides that it's not something he can commit to, maybe he wasn't that interested in me in the first place. When we talked on the phone, he kept reassuring me that I was not an option and that he'd never done a lot of the things he did with me with anyone else. He also revealed a lot of information I was not aware of before, like he doesn't have a lot of relationship experience besides a long distance one a few years back, so he's not sure exactly how to keep seeing a girl without sacrificing too much of his alone time while also keeping her interested. To him it's a tough balance there. He also mentioned that if we'd just spent a whole weekend together, he usually needs a break (just to recover from a lot of social interaction but not actually tired of me) for a day or two. It sounds to me that he doesn't really know what he wants and what a committed relationship involves. You're starting to sound a bit needy there - like you begrudge him some space. As for the 'last minute plan' thing, how does he react when you try to plan something with him that way? Would you be able to phone him tonight, make a suggestion for something fun, and be able to rely on him to show up? A lot of last minute planners can be selfish with their time, and inconsiderate of other people's. 1
kendahke Posted May 2, 2016 Posted May 2, 2016 Sure, I kind of regretted overreacting now because I also threw over a long text asking him about his intentions with me and how this is not the type of relationship I want, etc. We had a chat on the phone about it the next day and although it went well and we didn't get emotional or overly dramatic, I in the end said he should probably think about if he's ready for a serious relationship or not, and he said he's take some time then. Now I'm worried that we seem to be "taking a break" and he'd realize that he doesn't want this anyway. Guess I'll be prepared that I'll probably never hear from him again. You have a right to feel how you feel about it. However, he also has a right to decide you are more trouble than it's worth and leave you alone. Scolding him when you haven't lifted a finger to plan anything is a bit beyond the pale. You flipped the dynamic into a parent/naughty child one and he's not into "mama", apparently. 2
tayriley Posted May 3, 2016 Posted May 3, 2016 (edited) I disagree. First. What is a real date? Coffee out instead of in? Second, if the goal is a relationship at one point, then why the hell should one practise that by doing things that one does not do in relationships at all almost? Its like tryouts for a job as a lumberjack where the contestant get to sort ten papers instead of cutting down a tree. As a man one learn absolutely nothing about a girl from stumbling around a museum on a sunday morning looking at very old stuff. Or whatever you figure dates are then. Its unnatural and pointless. []I can learn PLENTY from a date from stumbling around a museum- I can see if they have a thirst for knowledge, if they have creative depth, if they have emotional depth, if they have curiosity, if they are comfortable in unfamiliar environments, how they treat strangers, if they are pretentious...the list goes on... Your preference for staying in and not doing new things or not going out to dinner/coffee only shows what kind of sedentary relationship you want to be in. there are others in this world that love going out and trying new things, be it a new restaurant or museum exhibit or traveling across the world. Edited May 3, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 3
Lois_Griffin Posted May 3, 2016 Posted May 3, 2016 Actually we've been going on dates more than just hanging out at his place and having sex. Most of the time we'd do a day trip somewhere out of town, go to some kind of event or festival, or walk around different parks and museums. He's also cooked at home for me a few times. Otherwise, I wouldn't have gotten attached. Gotta be honest - you didn't TELL us all this in your initial posts. You made it sound like all you do is 'hang out' at his place and that he occasionally gives you lip service about what a good girlfriend you WOULD be, and that he impulsively suggests dates at the 11th hour which makes you feel like a non priority. But then you painted a completely DIFFERENT picture of your relationship with this post. So now, I'm confused about what your issue is with him. Is it that he acts like you're a girlfriend but won't give you the respect of making it official? 1
Lois_Griffin Posted May 3, 2016 Posted May 3, 2016 What is a relationship to you? Isnt hanging out a good start? 'Hanging out' - as originally told by the OP which led me to believe that's all they did was hang out at his place and never go anywhere or do anything - really sounded more like an FWB situation. Not a true relationship where you're doing things together, growing together, and making memories. A 'relationship' is kind of subjective in that everyone has different expectations and ideas of what they want in one. This difference of opinion doesn't make anyone more right or wrong than anyone else. 2
SunnyWeather Posted May 3, 2016 Posted May 3, 2016 (edited) Sure, I kind of regretted overreacting now because I also threw over a long text asking him about his intentions with me and how this is not the type of relationship I want, etc. We had a chat on the phone about it the next day and although it went well and we didn't get emotional or overly dramatic, I in the end said he should probably think about if he's ready for a serious relationship or not, and he said he's take some time then. Now I'm worried that we seem to be "taking a break" and he'd realize that he doesn't want this anyway. Guess I'll be prepared that I'll probably never hear from him again. granted this thread has gone way past this post, I just want to add that in my opinion, it is entirely inappropriate to have where-are-we-at "conversations" over text, even over the phone, for that matter. it's kind of cowardly in a way. after reading about how much and how long you two have gone out on dates, and not just been "hanging out", I don't understand how you could think it appropriate to have such an intimate 'conversation' over text--actually, it doesn't even sound like it was a conversation, it was you making demands and throwing a fit because he wasn't stepping in line with how you THINK a relationship should be like. sorry luv, you sound entitled and demanding and not at all appreciative of what he has been doing with /for you. If you need something more from the relationship, maybe next time you will have the discussion face to face to gauge each others' responses. Like others have written, it sounds like he was into you Edited May 3, 2016 by SunnyWeather
nordic Posted May 4, 2016 Posted May 4, 2016 []I can learn PLENTY from a date from stumbling around a museum- I can see if they have a thirst for knowledge, if they have creative depth, if they have emotional depth, if they have curiosity, if they are comfortable in unfamiliar environments, how they treat strangers, if they are pretentious...the list goes on... Your preference for staying in and not doing new things or not going out to dinner/coffee only shows what kind of sedentary relationship you want to be in. there are others in this world that love going out and trying new things, be it a new restaurant or museum exhibit or traveling across the world. No, you will not learn much of those things at all. The reason i choose the example is that I dated in London lived very close to a museum, and during the winter that was the best place to take a girl if I wanted to get somewhere with her. There is a before sex and after sex. Before sex, all me really want is sex. Thats it. Reason for that is that deep within us we know that we will be the ones doing the seduction and the woman will either say yes or no. The seduction is just one long boring question without a verbal answer but is answered by the womans actions. In that environment the man is as honest, natural and real as a person on a job interview, for a job that lasts one evening and where nothing you say will ever come back to bite you. When I am forced to date like that, all I do, is to find places and environment I work in and then work up a sort of routine. So in the museum I walked the same path every time, and over time the material of things to say grew, kind of like a stand up show, but of course on completely different level. Men get like trained performing seals very quickly and that is all we will see i the end. After sex, the need to perform goes a away a lot, and thats when you really get to see the real person as he is. The you also know if he likes you over time, for real. Not coz you are using sex as bait, but coz he is seeing you since he wants to be with you. And that, despite strange misconceptions floating around, is the only terms a man, or a woman, will accept a relationship on. One can never have a relationship with anybody who doesnt want to be with you, regardless how well one plans sex, or no sex. My preference for staying in has not much to do with how keen I am on explorations in the outside world. Its because most of the time, one does stay in. And if you are a woman who day wants a family. That small life is going to be a big part, the biggest part. You will live with your family in a house and an every day life, you will not raise you family in a museum. But having said that, I agree that its sometimes important (it can work anyway) to have similar attitudes to adventures and life outside in the world. But that you will learn about your partner over time and together, not two hours into a first date, when the dynamics is based on a uneven powerdistribution between you.
nordic Posted May 4, 2016 Posted May 4, 2016 'Hanging out' - as originally told by the OP which led me to believe that's all they did was hang out at his place and never go anywhere or do anything - really sounded more like an FWB situation. Not a true relationship where you're doing things together, growing together, and making memories. A 'relationship' is kind of subjective in that everyone has different expectations and ideas of what they want in one. This difference of opinion doesn't make anyone more right or wrong than anyone else. Yes, but this thing "doing things together, growing together, and making memories.", doesnt make all much sense unless you fill it with what you mean. I have a very traditional family structure from childhood. My grandparents on both sides raised families and stayed together their whole lives and my mum and dad has been married since forever. A lot of what I see there, is about how they have built a life together, and raised families and that the every day life they spent together formed their relationships and how they relate to eachother. None of them has their relationships based on the time they spent in starbucks chewing on a blueberry muffin. That means nothing.
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