Overreacted to his "last minute" invitations to hang out?

[adilaurentis]

This guy I've been seeing for a while has been mostly consistent and attentive, and we've been hanging out every weekend. He's also expressed that he'd love to have me as his girlfriend but we haven't officially had the talk yet. However, unless we've already planned out something for the following weeks way ahead of time, he usually only comes up with some kind of plan to see me sort of "last minute" and spontaneously, which is good in its own right but sometimes I can't help but feel like he's treating me like an option only, which he said is not true.

 

One time he had to work for the weekend so we didn't make any plans, but when Saturday rolls around and he's in the office on a nice, sunny day, he couldn't wait to get out and asked if I wanted to do something that evening. To him, it was a fun and spontaneous offer, but I somehow interpreted it as a "last minute booty call" that his "first option" probably fell apart before he thought of me. He apologize for making me feel that way, and explained that he only just thought of it since it was so nice out and he enjoys spending time with me.

 

Another time he asked me if I was doing anything Friday night on a Thursday afternoon. He said he had plans for Saturday but we could still do something Friday night. I'd already been a bit uncomfortable about his sometimes lack of communication effort throughout the week then, so I was kind of pissed already. To that of course I said sorry, but I don't like last minute plans and people treating me like an option only. He apologized once again and said that he usually doesn't plan his weekends until later in the week, and that he'd work on this.

 

When I told my friends about these stories, some of them felt as though I was overreacting a bit, because to them the invitations didn't sound that offensive at all. I admit that I've been hurt way too many times in the past and most guys I've been with in the end said I was such a nice girl and I'm so easygoing. This has left me an impression that I was too available, or too afraid to say no or something. So now I'm especially sensitive toward situations where the other person might be treating me less than what I deserve. In short, I think I can be insecure with a victim's mentality sometimes. So in some ways my reactions to certain things are driven by this low self esteem or fear, if it makes sense. Thoughts?

[d0nnivain]

Some people can't or won't plan. I generally have a busy life so people who aren't my schedule didn't get a lot of attention. If you always say yes because you don't have anything else going on you have set the pattern too. Instead of waiting for him, live your life. Fill your own schedule & see where he fits in.

[authenticity]

Question OP: Why do you feel it's a negative quality to be "too available" or "easy going"?

[GR4]

So you were pissed off that he invited you out on a beautiful sunny evening after work?

 

Sounds like he's damned if he does and damned if he doesn't...

 

If he hadn't have asked you out that evening you probably would have been complaining that he didn't ask you out on that beautiful sunny evening.

[katiegrl]

I am a very spontaneous person myself...... so if I were free, I would accept the invite and be happy he asked!

 

Do you ever initiate? If so, do you ask in advance?

 

If you don't initiate sometimes, why not?

 

Don't presume he considers you an option, and please don't ever accuse him of this or say "I don't appreciate being treated like an option.". Or whatever you said.

 

Sounds very insecure and presumptuous.

 

How long have you been dating?

 

Are you having sex? Are you exclusive?

[Ami1uwant]

Booty calls these were not.

 

Some don't plan anything outside 72 hrs.

 

Because you aren't bf/gf it's not ready to potentially include you on get togethers with friends.

 

Another thing is like Friday night there was tentative plans with his buddies that didn't happen.

 

With him having to work that weekend, he probably wasn't sure how long he had to work, thus trying to make plans he'd have to cancel he probably didn't want to do.

 

Could you be some backup option like he is dating other people...sure it's possible,

 

If you want something more here talk about being bf/gf. If he doesn't then don't bother anymore.

[adilaurentis]

Question OP: Why do you feel it's a negative quality to be "too available" or "easy going"?

 

Of course "easygoing" is seen as a good quality for the most part, but when it's overly done it can mean that you're constantly prioritizing others over your own needs, not knowing when to say no, being taken for granted, etc especially when you're not appreciated or respected enough.

 

I'm just trying to learn from my "mistakes" and set appropriate standards for things I can or cannot accept. But turns out it can make me overly sensitive too when I'm guarded so much.

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes, I think you are over-reacting. (I'm a woman too, for what it's worth)

 

It sounds like he was trying to do something nice and you instead made him feel bad about it. Be careful or he might just stop asking altogether.

[adilaurentis]

I am a very spontaneous person myself...... so if I were free, I would accept the invite and be happy he asked!

 

Do you ever initiate? If so, do you ask in advance?

 

If you don't initiate sometimes, why not?

 

Don't presume he considers you an option, and please don't ever accuse him of this or say "I don't appreciate being treated like an option.". Or whatever you said.

 

Sounds very insecure and presumptuous.

 

How long have you been dating?

 

Are you having sex? Are you exclusive?

 

Ha, actually I can be very spontaneous too and it's interesting how I can plan a lunch date or an outing with a friend on the same day without offending anyone or being offended, but I'll be this sensitive when it comes to dating. My past experience and insecurity must have been clouding my judgment for a long time.

[SunnyWeather]

I missed how long a 'while' is that you two have been seeing each other, that would be important to know...

 

I just recently was having some reservations about my new guy (under a month) not making any plans, I would never know when we were going to see each other again, and I felt uncomfortable how it was often me who was breaking the silence with a text saying 'hello' or suggesting something to do (not to mention how the days of silence brought up 'being ghosted' fears)

 

so, I communicated my reservations about how I was feeling, how I would really like to have him take more initiative, how it felt awkward for me like I was "chasing him", etc

 

guess what happened? He was totally understanding about this. he immediately agreed that he could do better with this. and you know what else? he followed up his words with actions and got in touch with me the next day to arrange a meet up in a couple of days

 

some of what was happening was cultural as he's from a different country with different dating norms, and some of it had to do with his personality and of being really focused on what is in front of him.

 

I was being totally supportive of his situation and giving him a lot of room (heck we just started dating but have quickly gone to exclusivity within two weeks of being together), but I also was feeling anxious by the last minute get-togethers and lack of communication between dates. By expressing what my needs were I was able to still be supportive of him AND speak my truth about what I needed to feel secure with where we were at.

 

the point is, have the conversation, say how you feel, what would work better for you, and do so in a way that is not pointing fingers of blame or of how he is somehow being bad, just state what you need and would like and take it from there- HEAR him out, what he has to say about it.

 

If he's not receptive or doesn't follow through, it's time to reconsider what you can and cannot live with.

 

good luck! the beginning stages can be fun and exciting, but also can cement behaviors that if not discussed gently and openly can lead to conflicts that will continuously creep up and cause a sundry of all kinds of passive aggressive posturing that ultimately will destroy what could have been a good relationship.

[adilaurentis]

Yes, I think you are over-reacting. (I'm a woman too, for what it's worth)

 

It sounds like he was trying to do something nice and you instead made him feel bad about it. Be careful or he might just stop asking altogether.

 

Sure, I kind of regretted overreacting now because I also threw over a long text asking him about his intentions with me and how this is not the type of relationship I want, etc. We had a chat on the phone about it the next day and although it went well and we didn't get emotional or overly dramatic, I in the end said he should probably think about if he's ready for a serious relationship or not, and he said he's take some time then.

 

Now I'm worried that we seem to be "taking a break" and he'd realize that he doesn't want this anyway. Guess I'll be prepared that I'll probably never hear from him again.

[Lansing]

Too be honest, I had a girl flio out on me after I had been dating her for a few months because of her own insecurities and it turned me off her because of the way she "flipped out" and started accusing me of being not into her. It almost became her attacking me with no justification. Supposedly she really liked me, etc but the way that she handled things sure made it seem to me that all she truly cared about were her own feelings. I stepped back because of her actions and poor communication vs not originally wanting to be with her. You really need to look at your own actions and how you communicate you own anxieties without putting that on someone else.

[adilaurentis]

Too be honest, I had a girl flio out on me after I had been dating her for a few months because of her own insecurities and it turned me off her because of the way she "flipped out" and started accusing me of being not into her. It almost became her attacking me with no justification. Supposedly she really liked me, etc but the way that she handled things sure made it seem to me that all she truly cared about were her own feelings. I stepped back because of her actions and poor communication vs not originally wanting to be with her. You really need to look at your own actions and how you communicate you own anxieties without putting that on someone else.

 

But were you really into her? It's one thing to be accused of something that's not true, but it may also have pointed out some stuff you'd not noticed.

 

To be honest I really wasn't being accusatory at all and I tried to just explain how I felt without sounding angry or unreasonable. Even later when we talked on the phone we were still joking and laughing about other stuff so I don't think I was attacking him. However, if in the end he decides that he could not be in a serious relationship as I hoped, then maybe it's good that I've brought it to the table so that we don't waste more of each other's time down the road.

[Arieswoman]

adilaurentis,

I agree with you.

 

When I was dating I liked to have dates planned well in advance - preferably the week before - so I would be able to plan my schedule. Usually I had events lined up for the w/e the week before so I wouldn't be able to fit in last-minute offers anyway.

 

IMO if a guy can't give you reasonable notice then you aren't high on his priority list.

 

Personally I would get on with your life and fit him in when you can. He will either start planning a bit better or fade, so you'll soon know how interested he is.

 

You aren't instant coffee, so don't be instantly available.

[ExpatInItaly]

Sure, I kind of regretted overreacting now because I also threw over a long text asking him about his intentions with me and how this is not the type of relationship I want, etc. We had a chat on the phone about it the next day and although it went well and we didn't get emotional or overly dramatic, I in the end said he should probably think about if he's ready for a serious relationship or not, and he said he's take some time then.

 

Now I'm worried that we seem to be "taking a break" and he'd realize that he doesn't want this anyway. Guess I'll be prepared that I'll probably never hear from him again.

 

Well...what do you expect?

 

If a guy told me that, I would not come back either. It sounds like you're not happy, so why would he bother?

 

I don't really understand what you want. You're not happy with the way things are, so you tell him to think about things, and now you're worried he's gone.

[Lois_Griffin]

I don't think you're overreacting to the situation at all.

 

Your whole 'relationship' has basically been hanging out at his place on the weekends. I'm going to assume that means hanging out and having sex.

 

He's been giving you worthless lip service about how he'd 'love' to make you his girlfriend but gosh, golly, darn - he just keeps forgetting to have the 'talk' about it.

 

I don't blame you for feeling like an option. Because you are.

 

He asks you out for Friday night 'because he already has plans for Saturday night' which kind of indicates he's continuing to live the single life while making you an option. You know, even though he'd 'love to make you his girlfriend.'

Now I'm worried that we seem to be "taking a break" and he'd realize that he doesn't want this anyway. Guess I'll be prepared that I'll probably never hear from him again.

What exactly is it that you're going to lose? Hanging out every weekend and having sex with him while he gives you lip service about what a great girlfriend you'd be? Be still my beating heart.

[nordic]

But were you really into her? It's one thing to be accused of something that's not true, but it may also have pointed out some stuff you'd not noticed.

 

To be honest I really wasn't being accusatory at all and I tried to just explain how I felt without sounding angry or unreasonable. Even later when we talked on the phone we were still joking and laughing about other stuff so I don't think I was attacking him. However, if in the end he decides that he could not be in a serious relationship as I hoped, then maybe it's good that I've brought it to the table so that we don't waste more of each other's time down the road.

 

How does one know if one is into someone that one cannot be oneself around?

 

This is the problem with some women, in order to know if there is something there, one needs to try. But in order for that to happen the woman wants a guarantee for a twenty year long relationship. It just doesnt work like that.

[nordic]

I don't think you're overreacting to the situation at all.

 

Your whole 'relationship' has basically been hanging out at his place on the weekends. I'm going to assume that means hanging out and having sex.

 

He's been giving you worthless lip service about how he'd 'love' to make you his girlfriend but gosh, golly, darn - he just keeps forgetting to have the 'talk' about it.

 

I don't blame you for feeling like an option. Because you are.

 

He asks you out for Friday night 'because he already has plans for Saturday night' which kind of indicates he's continuing to live the single life while making you an option. You know, even though he'd 'love to make you his girlfriend.'

 

What exactly is it that you're going to lose? Hanging out every weekend and having sex with him while he gives you lip service about what a great girlfriend you'd be? Be still my beating heart.

 

What is a relationship to you? Isnt hanging out a good start?

[Arieswoman]

Isnt hanging out a good start?

 

No.

 

Guys should be prepared to schedule actual dates - not just "come around top my place" stuff - that's just being lazy and entitled.

[nordic]

No.

 

Guys should be prepared to schedule actual dates - not just "come around top my place" stuff - that's just being lazy and entitled.

 

I disagree. First. What is a real date? Coffee out instead of in?

 

Second, if the goal is a relationship at one point, then why the hell should one practise that by doing things that one does not do in relationships at all almost?

 

Its like tryouts for a job as a lumberjack where the contestant get to sort ten papers instead of cutting down a tree.

 

As a man one learn absolutely nothing about a girl from stumbling around a museum on a sunday morning looking at very old stuff. Or whatever you figure dates are then. Its unnatural and pointless.

[adilaurentis]

I don't think you're overreacting to the situation at all.

 

Your whole 'relationship' has basically been hanging out at his place on the weekends. I'm going to assume that means hanging out and having sex.

 

He's been giving you worthless lip service about how he'd 'love' to make you his girlfriend but gosh, golly, darn - he just keeps forgetting to have the 'talk' about it.

 

I don't blame you for feeling like an option. Because you are.

 

He asks you out for Friday night 'because he already has plans for Saturday night' which kind of indicates he's continuing to live the single life while making you an option. You know, even though he'd 'love to make you his girlfriend.'

 

What exactly is it that you're going to lose? Hanging out every weekend and having sex with him while he gives you lip service about what a great girlfriend you'd be? Be still my beating heart.

 

Actually we've been going on dates more than just hanging out at his place and having sex. Most of the time we'd do a day trip somewhere out of town, go to some kind of event or festival, or walk around different parks and museums. He's also cooked at home for me a few times. Otherwise, I wouldn't have gotten attached.

[adilaurentis]

Well...what do you expect?

 

If a guy told me that, I would not come back either. It sounds like you're not happy, so why would he bother?

 

I don't really understand what you want. You're not happy with the way things are, so you tell him to think about things, and now you're worried he's gone.

 

Sure, I just wished he could be more attentive, and he said he'd work on the "last minute" plan thing. As for getting into a serious relationship, if he decides that it's not something he can commit to, maybe he wasn't that interested in me in the first place.

 

When we talked on the phone, he kept reassuring me that I was not an option and that he'd never done a lot of the things he did with me with anyone else. He also revealed a lot of information I was not aware of before, like he doesn't have a lot of relationship experience besides a long distance one a few years back, so he's not sure exactly how to keep seeing a girl without sacrificing too much of his alone time while also keeping her interested. To him it's a tough balance there. He also mentioned that if we'd just spent a whole weekend together, he usually needs a break (just to recover from a lot of social interaction but not actually tired of me) for a day or two. It sounds to me that he doesn't really know what he wants and what a committed relationship involves.

[adilaurentis]

How does one know if one is into someone that one cannot be oneself around?

 

This is the problem with some women, in order to know if there is something there, one needs to try. But in order for that to happen the woman wants a guarantee for a twenty year long relationship. It just doesnt work like that.

 

The "logical" side of me agrees with this. I do think sometimes women are too caught up in wanting to know where something's headed while guys usually just focus on enjoying the moment. If he keeps asking you out and wants to see more of you, then he's interested and you should let everything unfold naturally. If women can learn to date like guys and not prioritize him that much, probably there would be a lot less misunderstanding and pressure.

[katiegrl]

How long have you been dating?

 

Weeks? Months?

 

It takes dating a person for a few months before deciding if you want something serious with *that person*.

 

With respect, I don't see how your pushing (pressuring) him about it helped your cause. Which is no doubt what he feels you are doing.

 

And the irony is, that a couple who *are* in a serious relationship with each other DO behave quite spontaneously with each other.

 

The formalities are gone, so last minute invites become the norm in many instances.

 

Do you ever initiate? If so, do you plan in advance?

 

And if you don't initiate sometimes, why not?

 

Jmo, but I think you are being too intense about this.

 

Relax, let things progress naturally and gradually, he sounds like a good guy to me!

 

His space needs may be greater than yours, but in time, as he begins to get more comfortable and trust you more, those space needs will diminish.

 

And I see nothing wrong with needing a day (or two) to oneself after spending all weekend with your partner either. Especially in early stages.

 

I often do! And so did my bf of six years (now ex).

 

Anyway, I hope it works out for ya.... Good luck!

[nordic]

The "logical" side of me agrees with this. I do think sometimes women are too caught up in wanting to know where something's headed while guys usually just focus on enjoying the moment. If he keeps asking you out and wants to see more of you, then he's interested and you should let everything unfold naturally. If women can learn to date like guys and not prioritize him that much, probably there would be a lot less misunderstanding and pressure.

 

The real change comes when the girl is in your head, that doesnt come from setting up scheduled meetings with her. I do that with coworkers.

 

Its when one sleeps over at eachothers places, there is weird bottles with stuff in ones bathroom. One train too late and she is already asleep when one comes home or to hers.

 

One goes shopping for the usual stuff and then think about buying her yougurt for tomorrows breakfast in bed, or maybe different berries that nobody usually buys but its just coz one feels like it.

 

Thats when it starts looking like a thing. Not coz the guy set up a date with you on the monday instead of a saturday. That means absolutely nothing to us whatsoever.

 

Things work when both can be exactly how they are and both still feels good, without effort.