pa_H0k Posted April 30, 2016 Posted April 30, 2016 Hello everyone, Sad to say I'm back again... I have been having that feeling of extreme loneliness lately... and feel like I have no one to really vent to. So thought'd I'd post here. So here's my story, if any of you care to listen. We fell into this relationship, not knowing whether we wanted it to be serious, it was just a sort of fling we started... it just sort happened and it became so real, so fast. Without even realizing it, we dated for 3+ years. For the first 2 years, I lived with her, so when I say fell into it, we really fell into love so fast. Everyday was like a dream, and I loved every second of it it just all happened so fast. We barely fought, we shared responsibilities. I've met her entire family. She met mine. She was my best friend. This was the closest person I have ever connected to mentally, physically, and spiritually compared to all my previous relationships. Well, where the turning point was when I found a new job 40 miles away at around our 1.5 years mark. It was a great opportunity for my career, and to build the experience I needed straight out of college. However, with the great opportunity, came the negative. After the first year of driving back and forth (our 2.5 years of dating thus far), I started to really hate the quality of life I was living. Waking up at 6am to drive in traffic for 1.5 hours, work till 6pm for another 1.5 hours to get back home. (got overtime to wait for traffic to die since leaving at 5 would mean 2 hours of traffic). Then when I got home, we made/ate dinner then would catch up on any shows we were watching for an hour and sleep. Then rinse and repeat... I started to feel like I was losing my head and started to feel depressed with the situation... so I asked if her if she would be willing to move closer to where my new job was.. she declined because she likes her job as a part time coach nearby and said I would have to just put up with it... so a few of my friends who all worked in the same area proposed I move in with them for the time being while I build my career. I ran it by her and she said, "do what you want". Me being stupid at the time took the bait and did what I wanted. I moved into a house full of friends that is only 10 minutes away from the office. BUT I also compromised that I would come to see her right after work on Fridays, and leaving Monday morning dealing with the traffic. and also coming back for a day on Wednesday. So I saw her roughly 3-4 days of every week... but it was not enough for her. She drew distant and thus begins the decline of our relationship. Fast forward to 3 months ago, we got into.. "the" argument. She said she felt like she was single with me being gone most of every week and that I made a huge decision without considering her, and she broke it off. I was hurt and pathetic and tried to beg but she was not having it. So from experience, I immediately went NC. Well.. about 3 weeks ago she reaches out with a 15 page letter, that I was first hesitant to read, but eventually caved and read it. It explained how after the dust settled she realized I did do alot for her and that she was selfish to only care for her own happiness while disregarding mine and that shes leaving the ball in my court to make the choice to get back together... It took me a couple days for it to sink in, then I eventually contacted her... (big mistake). I told her I needed time to really evaluate if she was sincere about being together again and would need to talk through our issues (about me moving out), and she said she would wait for me to get over what she did with leaving me out of the blue for something like that.. (I was going through a whole phase of working out and learning how to be single and happy at this point)... but I really did want to get back together. I only messed up by waiting too long.. Well fast forward to now a couple days ago. I found out that shes seeing someone else already, and I text her about it and she says I made her wait too long.. that she still loves me but she also thought about it, and she cant get over the fact I live so far, so shes going to continue seeing this new guy.. and now my world is falling apart all over again. I haven't spoken to anyone about this and it just feels like.. I messed up. Am I in the wrong? Did I make stupid choices? I don't know how to feel about this crushing loneliness..... I feel worse off than we first broke up. Hope everyone else here is doing better than I am. Thanks for reading. /end vent
Dis Posted April 30, 2016 Posted April 30, 2016 Oh hun, sounds like you are really hurting. You can second guess your actions and choices until the world ends but the truth is your relationship with her wasnt meant to work out, it couldnt withstand the stress of your relocation. You were with her for a long time so I'm sure it hurts like h*** right now and its ok to feel sad. I think it would be best for you to stop second guessing youself, wondering about the what ifs and just let her go. Let the relationship go. Letting go is often harder than holding on but I think you need to start the process. Keep posting. We're here for you. Grieving the loss of the relationship is a tough thing to do and it will take awhile but you'll get through it. Pls go NC again too. Acceptance is the key here, accept what is happening and it will give you some peace
EgoJoe Posted April 30, 2016 Posted April 30, 2016 She hooked you back after you went NC. She proved she could have you back whenever and then moved on. Sadly she was disingenuous.
keiji Posted April 30, 2016 Posted April 30, 2016 Sorry you're going through this. So she breaks up with you, doesn't contact you for +2 plus months, reappears and suddenly can't wait three more weeks for you to make up your mind? Is she supposed to have met the other guy in that short period of time? I think you're being too hard on yourself when you have done nothing wrong, imo. 1
Draper Posted April 30, 2016 Posted April 30, 2016 I'm sorry you're going through this man, most if not all of us on here know what it's like to lose someone we care about. I think the important thing here is that you don't blame yourself for what happened. You can ask yourself the 'what-ifs' until the end of time, but more often than not you'll never answer them, in fact all they do is drive you mad. You talked to her about the move and her response was literally do what you want, so you did. You aren't in the wrong and, honestly, when you add that silly response to the other stuff (i.e. saying you 'made her' wait too long), it doesn't sound like this is someone that you want to spend a life with anyways. You didn't mess up. If she genuinely wanted to make it work, I think she would have waiting a hell of a lot longer than 3 weeks.
Author pa_H0k Posted May 1, 2016 Author Posted May 1, 2016 Thanks everyone for the reading and replies. I appreciate the feedback and words. It makes feel a little less alone, although that pit of loneliness feeling has yet to subside. I only wish it was so easy to accept/let go...
Draper Posted May 1, 2016 Posted May 1, 2016 Thanks everyone for the reading and replies. I appreciate the feedback and words. It makes feel a little less alone, although that pit of loneliness feeling has yet to subside. I only wish it was so easy to accept/let go... Yeah, that's tough. We're all here to give you whatever support and advice we can give you and that helps but, really, time is the only thing that can heal. It's going to suck for awhile but one day it will hurt a tiny bit less. The next day, a little bit less again. And the same the next day and the next day, until one day you wake up and it just doesn't. Best thing you can do in the meantime: be kind to yourself, do things you enjoy to keep your mind off of it, and focus on being the man you want to be when the next girl comes along. (which she will) 2
NoLeafClover Posted May 1, 2016 Posted May 1, 2016 Im with keiji, you're been too harsh on yourself you did nothing wrong. Most guys on here wouldn't even give the ex's the time at all , making the ex think the guy is clingy and end the relationship for good. You did right, you gave her space and wanted to make sure she was being honest...she turned out to get another guy. I wouldn't be surprised she was already talking to him during the time she started getting cold. Relationships don't just happen in a week. Three weeks to wait for you is not that long. She is screwing him and telling you she waited to long as an excuse. Don't think you waiting it out is a bad thing. Actually see it as the main reason why you wanted to do it..to find out if she meant it...and clearly she wasn't about getting back together. In my book there is no going back to that. She made the decision to dom the relationship. Don't blame yourself...there is no such thing as waiting too long. If she was waiting and told you she would, then she shouldn't have been looking for another dude. 1
Author pa_H0k Posted June 4, 2016 Author Posted June 4, 2016 Apologies in advance for the cursing. So... just an update of the madness. I was doing okay, rollercoastin' through some ups and downs, some good days, some really really bad days just trying to get through it day by day.. but recently, events have transpired that made me really wonder what in **** is going on, that I must be insane, or maybe I don't understand "love". Recently ran into her and her new dude, made me really sad obviously but I sucked it up, just cracked a smile and continued on. Friends told me she was looking back as we continued walking, but I didn't. Don't know what that means but any who... a few days later one of her close friends hit me up about her. Asking me how I feel about all this... then she lays this **** on me, this **** that I cannot fathom. To sum up the conversation/argument I had with her friend, apparently I never really "loved" her because I didn't "fight for her". That although she was the one to break it off, then date another guy, it was my fault because I never really loved her in the first place, because I just let her go and didn't fight for the relationship. That EVEN though I reached out after everything that happened, that it wasn't enough to "prove" anything. From what I gathered, I was supposed to just show up at her place, and profess my love with the risk of her new dude being there...? what in the ****? After arguing with her friend about this, this **** I clearly don't understand how it makes any ****ing sense, that this is somehow my fault because I don't understand love and passion. Now my question is, is this normal? Do I really just not love this girl, was it my fault for not "manning up" and taking what I want? Am I in a movie? /end rant
bummer Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 You were doing NC good and then you let her friend pull you under? Ignore all of it. You sir are sane. You did a bit of the begging. She broke up with you. You are still attached. She detached ages ago and is USING HER FRIEND to bait you with her own guilt trip so she can be absolved of her guilt for leaving you alone. She is normal, she wants less pain for her, but her dumb friend is doing what dumb friends do and messing it all up. Unless the ex comes to you to say these things, ignore it. If you weren't trying enough, she probably said it in the 15pager. Not now. Not this way through her idiot friend. Block the friend and accept the ex is just trying to not feel like the bad girl who gave up on you. Let her wallow in the guilt alone. Don't give her or her friend ammo that you're some jerk for arguing. Show her you've moved on and are over it even if you aren't yet. Let her rebound guy deal with her guilt-ridden head case without your input. You're better than this bull.
bummer Posted June 4, 2016 Posted June 4, 2016 FYI, I got the same head game from the horse's mouth that if I wanted it I would have come home sooner, I never really loved her, I was unavailable... etc. My ex has thrown every excuse and anecdote of our relationship at me as my fault. IT'S JUST TO RELIEVE HER GUILT FOR MOVING ON ALREADY. Anyways, it's a guilt trip she's laid on her friend, who has her back, and her friend feels entitled to intervene and crap on your face and heart. You're okay, it is a movie called Guilt Dishwasher staring you. I took the role too but quit after a few days of filming because the pay was lousy.
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