broken guy Posted June 20, 2005 Posted June 20, 2005 In this mail I am NOT going to beg for her back or confess my love for her (despite her cheating and lying and keeping me on the side until the new guy worked out). I am just going to tell her that I feel sorry she felt she had to deal with me in this way and not talk to me, that I DID find all the messags from the new guy on her phone but didnt confront her as I beleived and trusted her, how I thought things were geting more interesting in the relationship, that I know she talked to a friedn about how she was "tired" a few weeks before she dumped me (she has denied talking to him). Stuff like that. Then say all I ever wanted was for her to be happy and if that isnt with me, then so be it, I will have to fix myself somehow. I will ask her why she still wants to be my friend and I want the TRUTH about that and, when all is said and done, can SHE be my friend knowing she did what she did. It will NOT be nasty or angry or bitchy. It will not be me being weak and pathetic either. I somehow have to get some closure on this. I have not slept well for 3 months and when I do she appears to torture me. I was crying today and snubbed a job meeting/interview until Wednesday as I dont feel right to do anything serious today (teaching a bunch of kids is something I cant do today!). I will write this mail, and read it, then ask my friend to read it and then decide wether to send it or not. Its all I can do. It sbeen over a month since I spoke to hr and she has not asked anything more about my problems back home as she knows the last thing I want to hear is her voice (hr words, not mine, but they are true I reckon). All my memories of her have turned into a nightmare. All her smiles and laughs. Everything we did utterly destroys me. I would always smirk at her ex-ex in my mind as I knew after 4 years of us ging out, he would STILL be kicking himself as I would be...and here I am in his position and people are telling me its going to take a long LONG time for me. I am uterly devistated that I will be alone forever now. I have never been ne for approaching girls and met hr on a plane and went to Uni with her in a different country, we became the best team ever!
moimeme Posted June 20, 2005 Posted June 20, 2005 You are not going to be alone forever. Write the letter and then burn it. You are hoping that when you tell her how awful she's been, she'll have a crisis of conscience and come back to you. Won't happen. It will in fact make you look weak AND pathetic. People always think that when they show the sinner the error of her ways, she'll change. That never happens - all it does is make them mad at you or sorry for you. Then, if you can't get over her, see a counsellor to help you let go.
Author broken guy Posted June 23, 2005 Author Posted June 23, 2005 Its a 4 page Word document! Its getting bigger all the time!! I have to say that I may not send it at all but I sometimes think that "Well, she said she'd never come back to me even if her new BF does not work out. Thats pretty damming stuff so what the hell!". I am trying to word it so I dont look needy and I dont snap at her. SHe has gotton away with so much and is living the high life whilst mine CONTINUES to fall apart through no fault of my own. I know I still thinks she wants t be my friend and not cut me from her life as she said so herself and this mail may **** her off, but what does it matter now? She wont be my wife and have kids with me as we discussed about 4-5 months ago so why the hell not? Hey! Does anyone want to read it? I can post it here if you like. If anything, it will give you somthing to read when your bored!
niceguy69 Posted June 23, 2005 Posted June 23, 2005 Dude you just want what you can't have. At least with NC she MIGHT think of you as a challenge and call you. I have like 20 pages of Word typed letters I never sent too. haha DEFINITELY don't send them.
She_Devil Posted June 23, 2005 Posted June 23, 2005 Let it go. Don't write, don't call. Chances are she does not care and you are stressing yourself for nothing!
Author broken guy Posted June 24, 2005 Author Posted June 24, 2005 It's odd though..when I went away for a week and didn't tell anyone, my friends got in touch with her and she was worried about me and sent messages to my friend for updates. She mailed my friend back home and said she knew I had taken the split very hard and yet she was the one to sort out my problems. She knew she couldnt help me anymore and that I was the last person she wanted to hear from yet she said she would call me, she did, I ignored her 1 time but then was forced to pick up the next time and I just said I was busy despite the relief in her voice. So, I have not contacted her but other people have..... I know the letter wont bring her back, but I need to vent as she has gotten away with blue murder and has ruined my plans for the future. She was selfish and treated me like crap, she just didnt understand what I was going through even though SHE had been through it not 6 months previously with work! Its just that I didnt go off and find a new partner.
ConfusedInOC Posted June 24, 2005 Posted June 24, 2005 Don't send the letter. Write it to get your feelings out, but then burn it when you are done. She doesn't deserve your time.
Author broken guy Posted June 24, 2005 Author Posted June 24, 2005 I have just remembered the dream I had last night. She was there and I was trying to get her back as we were having a great time, she refused and I ended up SCREAMING in the dream and it stirried me awake. I fell asleep again and re-joined the dream and to see her leaving with the new BF and wished her the best of luck.....I awoke again and felt SO alone... I have always had this crazy idea in my head that I would meet the perfect person just by chance and not by effort, thats how I met her and thats why this is so hard for me to take. I waited 24 years for her and now she is gone I am panicing about SO much! I am still doing my best to find work here but I just feel abandoned and spat upon by her.
Author broken guy Posted June 25, 2005 Author Posted June 25, 2005 OK, I still have the letter. I am needed a way to cut MYSELF off from her and I think the only way I can do that is to get in touch with her. Maybe in a mini email saying nothing bad (even though my life has been nothing but bad since before and after the break) and see how that goes. Or I could sned an email from a friends address and tell her all the stuff which she presumed wrong (I wasnt seeing another girl and I did miss her etc.) that way at least she wont think the words are coming from me. OR just send her a mail berating her and just saying how totally self-serving her email whilst out of the country dump job was and she does not deserve my time anymore no matter how much she "cares" about me and wants to keep me in her life....I'm reaching a crucial stage I think
miss-gonewest Posted June 25, 2005 Posted June 25, 2005 Broken guy, just hold off on sending anything.... You still don't know exactly what you want to say or what you want to convey to her, so until you are totally clear on what to say - don't say anything. By all means write up a few drafts, but DON'T hit the send button. And don't send anything from a friends account - it doesn't show much maturity. Already your feelings have changed in the last few days, waiting a few more days will give you even more clarity. I personally wouldn't send anything at all. Not now or later. I'd wait for her to contact you...
Author broken guy Posted June 25, 2005 Author Posted June 25, 2005 I admit sending stuff from a friends account is pathetic but when you know she is giving other people the answers that YOU want to hear you think of a way to trick her... She wont contact me, she told my friend this, thinks she is helping me. Maybe she is but I also know she is scared of me after doing what she did. To actually ADMIT she was scared she would "take me back" if I spoke to her or if she told me the truth is still bugging me after over 3 months. 4 years....I would have given her SO much more respect and understanding, I thought she deserved it...obviously I didnt. Just a quick question: When I dicovered all of the flirtatious text messages and outright LIES to the new BF, SHOULD I have confronted her directly or just HINT at it like I did and accept her answer that there was no one else and she wasnt keeping her distance to get a new BF? I respected her and trusted her, which is why I didnt push her. I mean, she was such a quiet girl, thought the world of me and I NEVER thought she could be capable of doing this to ANYONE, never mid me.
miss-gonewest Posted June 25, 2005 Posted June 25, 2005 I would have confronted her directly.... if I had concrete evidence. But that's me - I'm not the shy & retiring type. I'd rather know the truth, even if it hurts; and I don't have the patience to play games, especially with someone that has betrayed me.
Author broken guy Posted June 25, 2005 Author Posted June 25, 2005 KNEW I should have! Probably would have saved the relationship. Well, I have written a tiny mail just asking why she wants to be my pal and also that I did see all the messages but chose to believe her and, knowing this, could she still face me and be my friend. How about that? Too little too late I know.
miss-gonewest Posted June 25, 2005 Posted June 25, 2005 Broken, I hate to say it but you'd already lost your relationship by that stage... your woman was entertaining another man... which indicates that she'd left the values of your relationship, your trust and her loyalty behind. I know you love her and I know it hurts, but why do you want to be friends with her when she betrayed you? Sometimes its easier to believe that we will accept having a little bit of something, rather than a whole lot of nothing (trust me, I am going through the same feelings today, each hour, this second). Trust me that our ex's have moved on - they may be our friend out of sympathy (or in my case simple desire) - but we deserve far better than that. We deserve to be someone that loves us, honours us and respects us. Its gonna be tough being alone and its gonna be scary starting all over again, but it won't kill us. It will make us stronger. Don't send any email - at least not yet.
Author broken guy Posted June 26, 2005 Author Posted June 26, 2005 The best time to mail her is when I'm "over her" then? That wont be happening for a LONG time...if ever. No, I just want to ask her why she said she wants to be my friend and why she does not want to cut me from her life as I obviously have been replaced by something "better" (and richer and fatter!). Sympathy or do I offer her somthing no one else does. Basically, the truth. I want her to know that I saw the evidence and that, knowing this, can she face me again? I have battled a LOT of demons since returning to Japan and I would ask her if she has any to battle now? Its also even HARDER as my Mum is almost BEGGING me to come home whilst this divorce happens. I have almost no money and the reason I came here was to escape my crappy family life. Going back would be a killer...and also leaving my ex will be the hardest day of my life...even though she has left me. So, my question is this: "Whats my best course of action if I think NC is useless"?
Author broken guy Posted June 27, 2005 Author Posted June 27, 2005 Well, it looks like I may leave the country this week to see what I can do back home (nothing I think). Do I meet her one final time to say goodbye forever? Do just send her an SMS text/email. And if I do say bye, do I tell her I saw all the evidence on her phone but believed her lies? And before you all say something like "You only want to say bye to get a sympathy vote from her", I would say that I dont think I am. I just want to say goodbye to my first love and see her one final time. I am the bigger person, I didnt cheat or lie, I have a clear conscience, she does NOT!
Candy Cane Posted July 4, 2005 Posted July 4, 2005 You have so much rage for this girl. You really should look into that. She didn't ruin your plans for the future because she doesn't owe you anything. From what I recall, you guys weren't even married. She didn't get away with murder. In fact, she didn't do anything wrong at all. You just didn't like what she did. I have to be honest with you. If I were her, I wouldn't be with you either. You are obsessive and demanding and you really don't care an ounce about what she wants. All you seem to care about is yourself and your misery. Guy, get some counseling and leave that poor girl alone.
Author broken guy Posted July 4, 2005 Author Posted July 4, 2005 Hmm...you cannot make a judgement like that about me. What you said it totally untrue, I cared so much for this girl and did all I could for her. I put up with MONTHS of her accusing me of having an affair, months of her misery and snappiness, she drove all my friends away yet I stuck with her. When she had no job I supported her and listened to her cry and offered all the help I could give her, she was not able to give it back to me. She started seeing someone else whilst promising me she wasnt, I never did such a thing, I gave her freedom to expand her life and try new things, control freaks do not do that.
Candy Cane Posted July 4, 2005 Posted July 4, 2005 So what? It didn't work out. If you cared about her, you'd quit blaming her, quit hating her and you'd let her go. Seriously...if you don't get a grip on things, she's going to slap a restraining order against you. Your rage is going to get out of control and you're going to regret it.
Author broken guy Posted July 5, 2005 Author Posted July 5, 2005 Im sorry but I have NOT been hassling her. I have not seen her for 3 months. I have not spoken to her apart from my initial bye message and I am most likely leaving the country in 3 weeks. How you think I will have a redtraining order against me is beyomd belief! An so what if I blame her for what she did? She DID lie to me and she DID lead me on and she DID have an affair, regardless of wether we were married or not. Relationships still revolve around honesty, and that is ewhat I was, even when I was pretty sure I was being lied to, I trusted her that 4 years was a LOT to give up.
miss-gonewest Posted July 6, 2005 Posted July 6, 2005 Oh look, I said I'd give up on this thread, but I think some MGW reality is in order here... so take a seat kids, I got on a roll! Brokenguy, I am sorry you are going through such a hard time... however Candycane makes a good point - that you do seem to be pretty angry with her and with your situation. While anger is one of the normal steps of grieving/relationship break-up, it is also the most destructive. The first stage is denial, which I can probably assume you have been in for the last few months - this has now stepped up to the anger stage. The next stage should be forgiveness - for both yourself and your ex. Anger is actually a sign that you are on the path to healing, but its also the most dangerous sign and that's what Candy I think was getting at.... if you don't let go soon, you may escalate to actions that you may regret. And blaming your ex is totally useless - it will not gain anything, it will not change anything, it will just serve to make you miserable. You will be edgy, annoyed, you won't sleep, you will become obsessed, you will see everything in a negative light and you will soon isolate others around you. So, get out of this stage and do it QUICK!!!! Move on, let go - realise that you picked the wrong girl, that she did the wrong thing by you. And maybe have a look at yourself and see what you may have done to her, for her to behave this way. Use this time to improve on yourself so you don't go making the same mistakes again. I know that she hurt you, but all your posts seem to say that you were too good for her; too good looking; so supportive; you put up with her; others thought you could do better... no offence, but if I was dating someone with that attitude, I'd leave too. No one is perfect so look inside and see what you may have been able to do differently and what you may be able to do to avoid being hurt this way again. And start looking at your life from a positive perspective - at the moment you seem pretty bitter with everything. While you are facing challenges, you can also look at these as new experiences and opportunities. You are moving back home to support your family (this is a positive - you are being a loving son); you are going home to start a new chapter (and you are putting this bad chapter behind you); you may even open yourself up to meeting someone new. Seriously you are not the first person or the last to go through this - I urge you to take a look around this forum and read some other posts. They really helped me to understand that I am not alone with my feelings and there is a way out them. Universe (I think) has written some really awesome posts and I encourage you to read them NOW. You will see that others have survived this experience - and have gone on to some more enriching ones (like our friend Romeo!). I've been through hell myself the last few weeks, but continuously posting about it and dwelling on it is dangerous, and it doesn't help because there is no magic answer, except to be easy on yourself and on others. No one is perfect, we all f***k up - but we also can choose to grow. I suggest you do so too.... if you don't feel you have the strength to do it on your own (which you do! I promise), as I suggested you may need some professional help to assist you. Good luck - and chin up, life sucks sometimes but not always!
Candy Cane Posted July 6, 2005 Posted July 6, 2005 Broken Guy, I'm sorry if I seem hard on you, but sometimes you sound just like my ex who stalked me for a couple years...well, he's still stalking me. I have to change my telephone number every few months because he's very good at tracking me down. Anyway, he was always saying that I did this or that....and how I ruined the relationship and I was like, "Good! I'm glad I did that because I just want it over." I never really did anything though....didn't cheat or anything like that...it was all in his deranged head. But...what I'm getting at is why does it matter what she did or what you did? She just wanted it over and she's entitled to end it. No one owes anyone love. It has to be freely given...so does loyalty and devotion. You can't get mad at someone who won't give that to you. It's a gift. All you can do is control the way that you react to something, and I have to be honest with you, you aren't reacting well to this at all. I know it's difficult to let someone go. It's scary. I'm in the very same boat that you are on. So are most of the people writing in this forum....but what most of them realize, and you don't, is that you'll be okay without her. If you aren't okay without her, then the problem isn't her. It's you.
sanne Posted July 6, 2005 Posted July 6, 2005 what you must realize is that a good 80% of the women out there aren't worth your time. your ex was one of them, move on and find someone else who will treat you right. you cannot change your ex, and she will not change for you, it has to come from within.
Author broken guy Posted July 6, 2005 Author Posted July 6, 2005 OK, look. The words of I was too good for her, too goodlooking etc etc were NOT from my mouth! This is what all my friends have told me, I never thought the same way and I am simply repeating them to try to move on. I feel a bit upset that you compare me to your stalker boyfriend, that is NOT in my character and the reason I am here is so I DONT go stalking her. I have avoided the bars we went to as has she. I have deleted her number etc. And yes, I DO say I cared for her and stood by her. Could you stand living with someone 1 hour from ANY foreign people, just the 2 of you and your partner to be miserable with work for months, snappy if I accidentally tread on her glasses or some other minor thing and then spend 2 more months accusing you of having an affair with a work mate? Could you do this for 6 months and still love that person? I did and I never ONCE got angry, just tried to reason with her. If that is obsessing and causing me to be angry, then so what? I am TRYING to cope with my entire LIFE falling away here. I will go home and I will be homeless, jobless, in debt, no girl, emotional Mother and all that goes with police and solictors involved back home now. So try and put yourself in MY position and not other posters here who have generally only got one problem by being dumped. Now, please stop turning this into one of those flaming threads.
Candy Cane Posted July 6, 2005 Posted July 6, 2005 Well, it's good that you vent on here. It's very healthy...and I don't want to discourage you from continuing to do so. But...we all vent too. So don't take it personally. I'm sure you're a good guy and not a stalker.
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