AZ-dude Posted April 29, 2016 Posted April 29, 2016 I've been dating my girlfriend for over a year now. Yet, I don't feel complete with her. My inner voice keeps telling me she's not the one, she's not the one; and I've been ignoring that voice for a long-long time. I'll keep this as brief as possible, adding further details to people's questions . . . We were first friends-with-benefits. It was just sex and she always claimed that when it was over, it was over, but she still wanted to go out and not feel like an object. Understandable, and that's how the relationship was for about a month. I was then in a motorcycle wreck. No one was around to take care of me, but she did. She even took off work for an entire week to help out. That event of course shifted our feelings from merely physical to something more wholehearted. She was eventually (and was always going to) move to Oregon from Arizona. I hated my current job and living situation and needed a change from everything, and so I took the opportunity to move to Oregon with her after just being together for 5 months, including the friends-with-benefits phase. Before moving I started getting cold feet knowing this was impulsive. But near the moving date she expressed her reliance on me at that point, so I took the plunge and moved with her. Things were then alright until mid-summer rolled around. She was still looking for a job while I had one waiting, and around mid-summer I had really wanted to see some friends in California (who I was initially going to road trip to via motorcycle), but she put up a fuss about leaving her for a couple weeks while she dealt with the stress of job hunting. We fought and I ended up never seeing my friends, who I generally only get to see during the summer months. A few weeks later, I then had a friend in town who happened to be moving to Washington. We were always just friends but she was a girl, and my girlfriend put up a fuss about me seeing her too, so I never did. Despite all that, throughout the year things were good. We had our laughs. We had our roadtrips. We had our date nights. But, overall, there was no passion. In fact, things felt and still feel very plutonic; that if it weren't for sharing rent and bills and being on a lease, that we would have began to diverge months ago; but holding us together is the planning of traveling overseas together. Because we're both outdoorsy, active, tired of Oregon, and not yet 30 years old, we were going to use some of my motorcycle insurance claim to travel for a while. It's something we've both always wanted. Now the opportunity is just around the corner. Problem is, I initially wanted to travel solo and really find out what I, alone, am capable of. I would, of course, not mind sharing that grand adventure with someone, but I'm hesitant sharing that adventure with my current girlfriend because my inner voice keeps telling me she's not the one, she's not the one . . . An underlying problem is our lack of passion. It always has been. We have sex once-a-week on average, it's boring and all the same, too quick because we don't do it enough, and we've talked about that numerous times. The talk always ends up with her crying, telling me how she is in-love with me, and me repressing that inner voice to comfort her. Things are then good for a while as we get the relationship back on track. I suppose the advice I need is, how do I go about this? I don't feel complete, yet I continue to push forward (probably more so for her own happiness). I would feel terrible breaking up with her and no longer be traveling together, especially when she was really looking forward to the overseas journey. And I would hate to regret breaking up with her afterward, considering she is that rarity who wants to travel, is outdoorsy, active, and wants to do things. Just . . . I don't know. Thanks!
joseb Posted April 30, 2016 Posted April 30, 2016 I really don't see any reason at all for you not to break up with her. You don't love her. The sex is rare. And boring. She is controlling and manipulative, prevents you from seeing friends. I really don't get why you are still with her. You are not doing her any favours either. Regarding the travel, I think you will have a much better trip travelling solo, you won't regret it. And you will have a much much much better time than travelling with someone you barely like. 3
Jabron1 Posted April 30, 2016 Posted April 30, 2016 I'm not sure about some of the terminology you used: such as 'feeling complete' or 'the one'. How do you mean 'complete', as in she doesn't have everything you want? It seems to me like you are with her out of convenience. You started out as FWB then got serious because of the motorbike crash. When you moved in together, it sounds like you were just tagging along with her. It seems like you are doing things half-hearted. But, she seems really into you. I think you need to stop letting this drag on. What are you going to do if she starts wanting kids and/or marriage? You are in your 20s now, but one day she might well want that from you. You say that you are with her to make her happy. She won't be so happy when you break up with her down the road. I get the impression that you know what you need to do. And, you know it's going to suck, so you are just putting it off. 3
smackie9 Posted April 30, 2016 Posted April 30, 2016 If it's not there it's not there. You don't have to end a relationship because things turned bad and you fight all the time. There are times it just runs it's course and there is nothing there. Why lead her on, making her think this relationship has a future...it's only fair to be honest and end it. 1
joseb Posted April 30, 2016 Posted April 30, 2016 It seems to me like you are with her out of convenience. You started out as FWB then got serious because of the motorbike crash. .... I get the impression that you know what you need to do. And, you know it's going to suck, so you are just putting it off. Yeah i think you felt like you owed her. And now you feel guilty about breaking up. Not a reason not to do it. It's not going to be any easier on her (or you) further down the road.
Buddhist Posted April 30, 2016 Posted April 30, 2016 If you don't feel complete with her, you won't feel complete with anyone. It's no-ones job to complete you, except yourself. I'm not saying you shouldn't break up with her, I'm just saying your justification is faulty. You're not going to leave her and magically find yourself in someone else. You will find yourself in you and only you. So break up with her if you aren't happy in that relationship. If you're going to do it, do it now before things go any further. She will be even more confused if you go on an overseas trip with her, come home and suddenly dump her. And I think it's a bit short sighted of you to stay with her just because she wants to be a travel companion. You will learn something in life throughout all of your dating adventures and it's this.... You will come to a point when you realise you've been dating the same person over and over by a different name. That person is yourself. Everyone you go out there and choose and project all your wildest dreams upon will end up creating with you the same circumstances over and over until you get it. That you need to create a better relationship with you first. 4
Zapbasket Posted April 30, 2016 Posted April 30, 2016 You will come to a point when you realise you've been dating the same person over and over by a different name. That person is yourself. Everyone you go out there and choose and project all your wildest dreams upon will end up creating with you the same circumstances over and over until you get it. That you need to create a better relationship with you first. So well-put, and so true. OP, I think you'll get a world of good out of a solo travel adventure :-)
Jabron1 Posted April 30, 2016 Posted April 30, 2016 Yeah i think you felt like you owed her. And now you feel guilty about breaking up. Not a reason not to do it. It's not going to be any easier on her (or you) further down the road. We've probably all been in a relationship that was comfortable, and easy going. Usually it's comfortable because the other person is smitten with you, and is doing all the work. She looked after him when he was ill; she moved and he tagged along; etc. Problem is that she might want kids/marriage (I imagine you've talked about this stuff?). At that point, I wonder if AZ-Dude is going to go through with that half hearted too. End it soon, if I were you fella.
kendahke Posted April 30, 2016 Posted April 30, 2016 (edited) Do you "choose" her? It sounds as if you don't; and if you don't, you need to cut her loose. It sounds like you both were forcing a fit you both knew wasn't there. Get your life in order, give her 3 months to get her self in order and then move out. This isn't working and she never was "the one" you wanted to be with in the first place. Google the essay "Choose her Every day" to understand what I'm talking about when I say "choose her". Edited April 30, 2016 by kendahke
joseb Posted April 30, 2016 Posted April 30, 2016 If you don't feel complete with her, you won't feel complete with anyone. It's no-ones job to complete you, except yourself. I'm not saying you shouldn't break up with her, I'm just saying your justification is faulty. Yes this is true too. Life isn't like Jerry Maguire!
Author AZ-dude Posted April 30, 2016 Author Posted April 30, 2016 You're all correct. Thank you for the replies. I do know breaking up is the right thing to do, for it has been apparent in my mind as well that this living situation was convenient for the both of us; that I did feel indebted to her for nursing me back to health; that solo traveling, as I had initially intended, is what I need to do for my own mental/emotional health before I do someday get married with kids and have other adult responsibilities. I never wanted a relationship in the beginning, hence being FWB, but things somehow became a relationship. She is sweet, but I'm not happy and I cannot continue things half-heartedly. I suppose the kink in the chain now is how do I go about the breakup? We both teach and the school year ends in 6 weeks from now. We're done with Oregon, so breaking our lease is not an issue. In fact, I've read the contract, know the terms and penalty, and the plan after traveling was always to reside back in Arizona. But how do I go about these next 6 weeks?
toothlessbamboo Posted April 30, 2016 Posted April 30, 2016 I kinda know how you feel as I was in a similar situation. For me, I realized that I had to do what I had to do make sure I'm happy. You made mention that you were there trying to make her happy. Well who is making you happy? You are ultimately responsible for your own happiness and if you aren't happy with her then there will never be passion as they kinda go hand in hand. I think you have one of two choices, you can either really revaluate the relationship and see what made you fall for her and what specifically about her makes you happy. Maybe this will help you realize why you decided to stay for the ride. If you can't do that then the next step is break up unfortunately. And as much as it sucks, it would really be for the better. After all, would you want your partner staying with you just because it makes you happy but it doesn't make them happy? Best of luck in your situation!
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