Lois_Griffin Posted May 7, 2016 Posted May 7, 2016 We had a talk tonight. He will not contest our relocation to NC. He said it would break his heart, but "he wants me to do what's best for me." This guy doesn't have anyone's best interests at heart but his own. I'm sure the price tag for being such a 'nice guy' and letting you get the hell out of Dodge is going to be forfeiting a good portion of your alimony. You just wait - you're going to be hearing all about how you 'owe' him something when it comes time to fork over the money at the mediation table. I had to laugh when I read the part about 50/50 custody. The fool hasn't even spent 24 straight hours with his kid and didn't even remember her birthday and he's talking about actually being an active parent and raising her half the time? You have a better chance of shaking hands with Jesus than you do of him stepping up to the plate. How did you not laugh in his face?
mikeylo Posted May 7, 2016 Posted May 7, 2016 His mind is made up for divorce. He doesnt want to reconcile.If he was that concerned for the child, he would have been there for her before but wasnt. You have to accept the end of your marriage.Maybe going to a therapist for yourself will be better. You need to stay healthy for your child to be healthy. Taking divorce as a business deal is the best way. Though difficult at this stage but try to keep emotions out of it while reaching settlement. Your child is better off with a parent who loves her rather than who doesnt want her.
Author lunajane Posted May 8, 2016 Author Posted May 8, 2016 I told him last night that I had made the decision to move to NC. I think he was trying not to cry. He's really been stepping up lately, being very attentive to our daughter. Wanting to see her all the time. It makes me think I've painted an unfair picture of him as a father. I have to keep reminding myself of all the ways he hasn't been. We've just been living so long this way, I guess I developed a warped perspective of the way a family is supposed to operate. And most of my friends' husbands aren't around that much, either. I guess that's not a coincidence. And maybe this decision is so scary for me because I'm so used to accommodating him. I hope it's not because I'm making the wrong decision. 1
standtall Posted May 8, 2016 Posted May 8, 2016 IMHO, you are not making the wrong decision. He is just playing a greatest hits version of himself lately.
Author lunajane Posted May 9, 2016 Author Posted May 9, 2016 I began to realize last night that I may have some codependency issues with him. I have a really hard time making decisions (even small ones), I avoid confrontation with him, I let him choose what he wants and then try to fit my wants around that. I've done it so long, it still feels like compromise. Like working things out together. But I only get what I want when it benefits him as well. I was as sure as I was gonna be about the decision to move to NC until he started talking to me last night about how hard it's gonna be for our daughter to deal with divorce and a move. And he doesn't want to move to NC. He said "but now I have to and move in with my mom." He wants us to stay here for a year and then move. Everyone keeps telling me that this was HIS decision and that now I have to make a decision for me. That I have to do what's best for me. And I hear that, I know it's true, but I have a hard time FEELING it's true. I know he made the decision to divorce, but I can't help but feel guilt for my part in it and guilt for making the decision to move my daughter away from her home and her dad. My friends and family had me convinced that she will be fine. And I know it will be extremely difficult. But I felt good and that it was the right decision. I just want to go home and be with my family. But he said something last night about how it might be "destructive" for her. I need to get away from him. I need to stop talking to him about any of this. I need to stop obsessing about everything and just go.
Author lunajane Posted May 9, 2016 Author Posted May 9, 2016 He also said last night that he was hoping by divorcing me, he could be a good dad. I kind of get what he's saying. If he got out of an unhappy relationship with me, he could focus on being a good dad to our daughter. But now he'll be a long distance father. And I feel bad for him. For doing this to him. And I know that's sick. I know.
Disillusioned_2011 Posted May 10, 2016 Posted May 10, 2016 Based on your marital history and length of M I'm positive you'll be awarded spousal support for a few years, plus - of course - child support. Your income difference is huge. Yes he's unemployed now - which might help him in terms of alimony - but if he's halfway responsible he will do his best to make sure your daughter is financially secure. He might be a party animal - but he doesn't sound like a slacker on the job front. Your advantage is that he wants out so he'll probably agree to many things, heck - he's agreed to moving the kid out of state! That's big!! If I could do that i would do that. Family is important for you now. Your daughter will be loved and cherished. She needs a family network right now. I'm sure you can find a good school for her in NC.
Miss Peach Posted May 11, 2016 Posted May 11, 2016 I've divorced myself. I think you are being pretty reasonable. Where I live you would actually be entitled to lifetime alimony plus child support until age 18 or the end of high school. I totally agree with the others it's worth getting an attorney involved to at least tell you what you are entitled to. As for the custody/being a father part, what you're describing is sad but it's not uncommon. It might be good to seek out some single mom groups to get some IRL support of others who have BTDT. FWIW I filed for divorce due to my XH's actions. I felt bad myself for 'tearing our family apart'. The thing is I didn't really do it per se. His actions were hugely hurtful and disrespectful and there was no chance since he wasn't genuinely able to stop his behavior and make amends. You are not tearing him apart. He's is simply choosing his other life over a relationship with your child (which is sad on its own). It will be destructive for her in a way but it's HIS job to have a relationship with her. All you can do is allow him access. Many single mom's I know in your situation found getting involved with good male role models helpful such as big brother, family friends, etc. That helped set aside some of the damage from absent fathers.
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