deadmau5 Posted April 29, 2016 Posted April 29, 2016 Hey all. I have to admit that a lot of this is cringy and I should have just walked away before getting involved with this girl. So you have been forewarned about my stupidity. A year ago I met my ex and we had a very rough short relationship. It consisted of many breakups (initiated by her) and makeups over around 6 months. I was 20 and she was 19 and this was my first girlfriend. I am the kind of person that prefers to be by myself so I haven't had much experience with girls at all. Growing up there were really bad relationships I was around. When we first started talking she opened up to me really early. She talked about her childhood (physical and emotional abuse) and unfortunately I did not know what that meant when it came to how she would behave later. At this point I was interested in her, but I was just trying to be friends at the time. I eventually started opening up to her and my issues growing up. One day after we met (which was sort of like a date, but she brought a friend along) she wanted to meet again. When we did I could tell something was wrong, but she blamed it on some drama her friend was having. After I got back home she texted me and was completely hostile. She basically used all the information I told her about myself and used it to insult me. The day before she told me she liked me a lot and now I was getting messages describing every bad thing about me. I kept just asked what I did to cause it and she ended up blocking me. I had something of hers (which she said wasn't worth trying to get back from me) and I decided to leave it on the steps of her dorm (we both lived on campus). That night she unblocks me and tell me the item got destroyed and that it was worst a substantial amount of money (Amazon had them for $10) and I offered to buy her a replacement if she wanted me to. She said no and we didn't say anything else. A week later she texts asking if I hate her and she says how she is messed up in the head and all of this stuff. At this time it was finals and I thought it was the stress from finals that was making her act this way. During the last few weeks of school we got together and started dating. She ended up getting a summer job and had to move away for the summer. During this time we would skype, text, etc. She would say how amazing I am and that I am the love of her life (another red flag, I know). To keep the story reasonable, I will fast forward a bit. A couple months pass and we get into an argument, she ends up ending us and blocking me again. A day later she is back telling me how much she loves me, yada yada. We get back together for like a week. Then she started ignoring me and I end up getting pissed and tell her that she can either start treating me better or we can part ways. She decides to part ways and gets with another guy almost instantly. (Her facebook had them in a relationship the day after). Now here is where I start doing stupid things. I was a mess, it was my first breakup and I wanted her back badly. I tried to send her messages through her blocks both when I am heated and when I was wanting her back. I did this for about a week then just gave up. about 2 weeks after that I get a text from an Alaskan number, her new boyfriend and she asks me if I should be worried for her safety when she moves back here. I told him that I'm done with her and warning him that she is crazy. A week later I get texts from her and apparently he dumped her. I try to respond and she ignores me. I suspect she started talking to another guy. Then she responds a week later saying she is hurt by some of the things I told her when she broke up with me and I scared her. We meet up after summer and we talk for a month. I end up asking her why she is talking to me and what is her intentions. She tells me that she wants to be friends for now and see where it goes. She kept saying I hurt her too much right now and that she needs time to heal and trust me again (She was talking about a minor fight we had a while ago that was resolved). I start to call her out on a lot of the stuff she has done to hurt me and I get all caps raged on. I just left it and didn't reply. Hours later she asks if I am still going to talk to her or not. I told her it was fine. We talk to for a few more days and we seemed to get along and then I get a call from her and she tells me that we both just hurt each other and we shouldn't speak again. I agree and that's been that. That was August last year. I have seen her every now and then on campus with another guy and I end up getting a much more stable girl and I've been with her since October. And now finally I can get to my problem. Even this much later, I still have times where I miss her. I know the relationship was toxic and that the one I am in now is so much healthier, but I can't help to not think about her randomly. It has gotten better with time, but it is still there and I am worried that this is going to be an issue I am going to have for life. I don't know if it was the drama, the craziness, or just because she was my first, but I feel like I am missing something. I also feel like one day she is going to come back, which may or may not happen. My self confidence is much higher, and I have done a lot of things to improve myself since all of this happened, but I still like there is this anchor weighing me down. I don't really know the next step. If you have read this entire thing, I thank you. I now it's a lot.
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