Is he just upset or just not interested?

[Piddle]

I've known a guy for a long time, just someone to chill with - nothing going on. To cut a ridiculously long story short the dynamics of friendship totally changed - I can't put my finger on it but just changes in the way he spoke to me, the body language, the feeling that he cared about me and what I did. For a long time I did not think much of it. As is always the case when he backed away I started to become attracted to him.

 

So basically, I then started to 'make it clear I kind of like him' like calling him, dropping subtle hints. He works in an industry where he has to work out of town on sites all the time, and is more often on site than not. In fact he doesn't even have his own condo, just stays with his folks in town as he so rarely is here. So we haven't met face to face in a long time but we've been Skyping and keeping in close touch, I know all his colleagues names, his company's finds and a range of highly classified material you would not tell just anyone. However in all of this he has not suggested meeting when he gets back to town. To be fair on him his trips back home are short and his family are pretty overbearing, he has younger siblings and elderly grandparents and I think they all expect a good piece of the pie leaving him with no time to hang with people.

 

So basically we were meant to go camping on a weekend a couple of months ago (instigated by me for a totally legit reason as he has awesome camping skills and knows the area I wanted to camp in and could show me the wildlife I want to see) and suddenly he cancels saying his mom is not well. I understood and sent a really supportive message. To cut the story short his mom died unexpectedly. Throughout her short illness I did the supportive friend thing, and he would reply to my asking how she was. When she died he called me to talk, and I think it helped him to talk about it. But since his mom died he has cut off meaningful contact with me. I'm definitely not hoping for anything right now he has had a terrible time and I just want to be there for him. I do text him (not a lot about every 2 days or something like that) asking him if things are ok or whatever and I get short answers which are almost always 'yep. I'm ok' - I guess this is kind of his style as he has never been a good texter.

 

I offered him my shoulder if he wants to talk and he keeps texting that he will Skype me (even though he is now indefinitely in town and could meet me for a coffee). But he never does Skype me and I am leaving it to him so things go at his pace. It is getting a bit weird though, he will say 'Skype tomorrow' then tomorrow comes and he doesn't and I get a text 'sorry, wifi crashed (or whatever) tomorrow?' then tomorrow comes again and another excuse. Then he'll go silent for a couple of days and then the whole thing will start again. Or he will try and Skype at an inconvenient time and then I will give him a range of options to call me back and he never will. In all of this I have never asked him to call me I have just offered that I am willing to listen if he would like to unburden himself. He has taken all this Skype rearranging upon himself. Within all of this I do think if I had lost a person close to me I would like to meet with the person I had a romantic interest in just to get that caring contact.

 

Is all this pointing to a man who is just traumatised by his loss and needs time to process? Or is he just not into me and sees me as an annoying girl who he thinks is pulling the moves on him who he has to spend his time deflecting? (I'm not AT ALL - I'm not crazy to expect something to happen between us at a terrible time like this but I can see how my genuine concern could be seen as romantic interest) And that all of this is him just pulling away from me and that I should just stop making his life even more difficult and just go away.

 

I really don't know whether to just stop contacting him and wait for him to reach out to me?

[kidm]

I will pull back and let him come to you. You've shown enough interest. Everyone processes grief differently and he may be keeping you at arm's length because of what he is going through but that doesn't seem very likely. I would think the more likely explanation is that he is just not that into you and/or there is someone else in the picture.

[Versacehottie]

I will pull back and let him come to you. You've shown enough interest. Everyone processes grief differently and he may be keeping you at arm's length because of what he is going through.

 

I agree wholeheartedly with the beginning of kidm's statement. Also how long ago did his mom die? I think it would help to know that.

 

I don't agree with the reasons that kidm's saying that he could be keeping you at arm's length but yeah it sounds like that is what he is doing. I wouldn't underestimate that especially at the beginning of a relationship (as yours would be, complicated by friendship too), a guy wants you to see him at his best. So effectively, it sounds like he is hiding and stalling until he "feels" that way. Sure it could be another girl or not interested but I happen to think less likely under the circumstances. Even if it was another girl, it would probably be a FWB or momentary distraction while he is getting through this hard time--someone that he doesn't have to be emotionally vulnerable with.

 

One thing you could do next time you talk/text/skype (btw, let him make next contact for sure!!~) is approach it differently. He already knows you care a lot and are concerned for him, if you are a good friend or potential gf sometimes the best thing to do is be an escape for them where it takes their mind off those emotional things. Just have fun; help him escape--a joke, a funny story whatever. Some people (guys I think especially) hate it when the spotlight is on their emotional pain. Good luck

[Piddle]

Thanks. I guess I just have to let it go and see if he warms up again. His mom died not long ago at all, like 6 weeks ago. And I know his younger siblings are not good and his dad is just melting down, which is why I figured he needed support and concern himself. I just don't want to add to his pain by bugging him, I guess the line is so fine. I want to show I care and am here - no strings- but I guess he could see it different.

[EgoJoe]

Try engaging in a conversation with him via text or whatever for the sole purpose of that conversation instead of for Skype or a future obligation.

 

My Brother took his own life January 5th of this year. I'm still going through the madness of grief and it is difficult for my Girlfriend (we live together). My business is very intense and doing fairly well and yet I am still sad quite often. I don't sleep well and when I do I have nightmares. It takes time.

 

 

Be kind. Let him know that you care about him deeply and want to be there for him even if it is merely in spirit. Tell him you can't understand exactly how he is going through this (use that verbiage specifically) yet you are willing to spend some time just listening in an attempt to do so while simultaneously empathizing.

 

If you want him to come to you then you will need to make interacting with you safe and comfortable for him.

[Versacehottie]

Try engaging in a conversation with him via text or whatever for the sole purpose of that conversation instead of for Skype or a future obligation.

 

My Brother took his own life January 5th of this year. I'm still going through the madness of grief and it is difficult for my Girlfriend (we live together). My business is very intense and doing fairly well and yet I am still sad quite often. I don't sleep well and when I do I have nightmares. It takes time.

 

 

Be kind. Let him know that you care about him deeply and want to be there for him even if it is merely in spirit. Tell him you can't understand exactly how he is going through this (use that verbiage specifically) yet you are willing to spend some time just listening in an attempt to do so while simultaneously empathizing.

 

If you want him to come to you then you will need to make interacting with you safe and comfortable for him.

 

EgoJoe, I am so sorry for your loss.

 

Great advice.

[Versacehottie]

Thanks. I guess I just have to let it go and see if he warms up again. His mom died not long ago at all, like 6 weeks ago. And I know his younger siblings are not good and his dad is just melting down, which is why I figured he needed support and concern himself. I just don't want to add to his pain by bugging him, I guess the line is so fine. I want to show I care and am here - no strings- but I guess he could see it different.

 

Yeah, I think 6 weeks ago is not very long in the scheme of things. Actually for some people they can make it through the first weeks because there is a lot to do or sounds like he might be the leader of the family so he has to shore up and be the strong one during that first period. Now at 6 weeks, he potentially is addressing his own grief.

 

I agree with EgoJoe. That's definitely the reason why I was saying to be an escape for him (although I said lighthearted, fun, an escape). I think even though he is saying let him know you care, the core message is to not be an obligation to him. He probably can't deal with these things now and starting a relationship is a low priority for him. I think if there is any expectation where he feels an obligation to call or be in touch or make future plans, it's just not where his head is at right now. I can see why he would see it differently--for the mere fact alone that it is where you left off before his mom passed away. I would give him time and space. Hang in there.

[Piddle]

Try engaging in a conversation with him via text or whatever for the sole purpose of that conversation instead of for Skype or a future obligation.

 

My Brother took his own life January 5th of this year. I'm still going through the madness of grief and it is difficult for my Girlfriend (we live together). My business is very intense and doing fairly well and yet I am still sad quite often. I don't sleep well and when I do I have nightmares. It takes time.

 

 

Be kind. Let him know that you care about him deeply and want to be there for him even if it is merely in spirit. Tell him you can't understand exactly how he is going through this (use that verbiage specifically) yet you are willing to spend some time just listening in an attempt to do so while simultaneously empathizing.

 

If you want him to come to you then you will need to make interacting with you safe and comfortable for him.

 

EgoJoe I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for your advice. I want to make this as easy as possible for him, so I will take your advice completely.