Am I being demanding/needy?

[elizabetk]

Hi there, I have posted a few times before asking for advice and general opinion about pressing matters (most of which ridiculous) in my relationship, so you might remember the back story.

 

For those who do not, here's the brief - my partner (turning 30) and me (23) have been together for nearly five months now. It has been an amazing relationship and things got serious very quickly. Partner got out of a 6 years relationship a couple of years ago and has not dated anyone exclusively until I came along. I have met his friends, family and he has said many times he thinks "I am the one". He works in a leading bank and is incredibly busy, something that I knew from the start. Yet during the last week things have gotten out of hand (or maybe I have became needier). He is usually the one who gives more (i.e. would send random hilarious messages through the day, would organise dates/time together), yet as of the last few days this has also changed majorly.

My schedule is insanely packed too, yet I have tried to make time for us twice this week and things got canceled (by him) last minute due to his work commitments. I am understanding as I know how important work is for him but it is affecting me and making me question things. Earlier today, I attempted to organise an evening where we could spend time together and de-stress for the third time this week, he is to yet respond (however, I am aware he has read the message - am I really this man's priority?).

I do not want to be needy, whining girlfriend as I have a lot of my personal responsibilities to handle but the lack of usual amount of communication and time spent together is bothering me and ultimately making me question things.

 

What are your thoughts? Is it worth bringing up the matter again?

Thanks!

[ChickiePops]

How many days is 'a few'?

 

I would step back and let him come to you. Maybe he just needs some space.

[preraph]

He's tired of talking about it, sounds like. I have no solution for you to change him. My suggestion for what you should do is reach out to some friends and make plans to go out with them and stop relying on him. Keep your life going outside of him. And I wouldn't contact him until he contacted me back, and then I'd carry on with the plans I made without him.

[LoveRefreshed]

I dated a girl in grad school who wanted to have a date night every week.

 

She'd play things and even come to pick me up sometimes and unfortunately, my experiment had gone wrong or I was made aware of some new thing I had to have done for a class, etc.

 

She would start to become very resentful. All it did was make me more stressed when things went wrong at work and make me resent her on our dates when all I could think about is how I left something half finished at work so I wouldn't have to cancel.

 

This man is trying to make a career so he can support a family and you're upset that he is prioritizing it over you. Let me be honest with you. His career is a priority over you right now. Five months ago, before he was your boyfriend, it was his career. And if things don't work out between the two of you, his career will provide for his family to be.

 

I guess I don't understand why women come along, find a great man, and expect him to latch on and be #1 in his life from almost moment 1 (the moment you decide you really like him rather, otherwise women run away faster that heck if a man shoes interest first). The truth is, you shouldn't be the priority in his life, you're just his girlfriend of 4-5 months.

 

I find it disappointing to read these things as my sister dated a man for 4 years who never had a job. I don't understand how women can be upset with a man who wants to provide for your family at an age where work ethic is becoming a rarity.

 

You're being selfish, IMO. Even when he does get a break, maybe you should consider that he needs a bit of 'him' time as well. The last thing I want to do after working 12 hours a day for 4 days straight is to attend a social commitment at the end of it. I'd rather go the home, take my shoes off, not shower, and watch the grass grow with a drink in my hand.

 

Have you ever asked him what he wants to do instead of planning the dates for him?

Edited April 29, 2016 by LoveRefreshed

[d0nnivain]

You acknowledge that work is important to him. is something unusual going on? If he was always planning & you sat back, he could be sick of doing all the work. that doesn't really explain the cancellations when you make plans. If there's a big project or corporate is coming, or they are being audited, or somebody quit, he could have more on his plate.

 

I'd be a bit more patient. You have not been together that long & his change has only gone on for 1 measly week. Relationships ebb & flow. See how this weekend is. Do something relaxing then.

[ChickiePops]

Wow..with the above post from loverefreshed..just no. Your anger towards women comes across in every post you make..

 

She has clearly been very understanding about his career in the past, she specifically said that he is usually the one who plans their dates (I think it's nice that she's trying to plan something if he usually does it), it doesn't sound at all like she resents his schedule..just that he's been off for a few days and it's making her feel insecure.

 

As a few of us have said, back off for a few days and give him some space. Also google the rubberband effect.

[LoveRefreshed]

Wow..with the above post from loverefreshed..just no. Your anger towards women comes across in every post you make..

 

She has clearly been very understanding about his career in the past, she specifically said that he is usually the one who plans their dates (I think it's nice that she's trying to plan something if he usually does it), it doesn't sound at all like she resents his schedule..just that he's been off for a few days and it's making her feel insecure.

 

As a few of us have said, back off for a few days and give him some space. Also google the rubberband effect.

 

How am I angry for pointing out that a man, at 4 months of dating, should have priority for himself, his future, and his career. It's needy and selfish to be angry at four months over your partner's work ethic.

Op wanted advice, I told her how it worked for me. There are things I have to do, and then there are things I want to do.

 

Work falls into the former, dates fall in the latter to me. Priorities.

[katiegrl]

How am I angry for pointing out that a man, at 4 months of dating, should have priority for himself, his future, and his career. It's needy and selfish to be angry at four months over your partner's work ethic.

 

Op wanted advice, I told her how it worked for me. There are things I have to do, and then there are things I want to do.

 

Work falls into the former, dates fall in the latter to me. Priorities.

 

That's you LR to which you are entitled.

 

But in my experience, from having three long term committed relationships, at five months in, no matter how busy with work they were, or whatever else, they definitely considered me and our RL a priority.

 

Perhaps not more of a priority than work but at least equal to.

 

I have found men who fear commitment/relationships to believe as you do.

 

They'd rather just be alone most of the time.

 

JMO.

Edited April 29, 2016 by katiegrl

[LoveRefreshed]

That's you LR to which you are entitled.

 

But in my experience, from having three long term committed relationships, at five months in, no matter how busy with work they were, or whatever else, they definitely considered me and our RL a priority.

 

Perhaps not more of a priority than work but at least equal to.

 

I have found men who fear commitment/relationships believe as you do.

 

They'd rather just be alone most of the time.

 

JMO.

 

A fear of commitment maybe, but angry, no!

 

I'm not mad, I just think it's surprising. I do take my relationships serious (as we can tell, I think) but I just don't see prioritizing them over a career which is something fundamentally more important in my life as I have already invested 8 years and 50 thousand dollars into it.

[katiegrl]

A fear of commitment maybe, but angry, no!

 

I'm not mad, I just think it's surprising. I do take my relationships serious (as we can tell, I think) but I just don't see prioritizing them over a career which is something fundamentally more important in my life as I have already invested 8 years and 50 thousand dollars into it.

 

Okay you're not angry.... but given what she wrote below, can you agree, that at the VERY LEAST, he should respond back to her text message?

 

Five seconds!! Common courtesy?

 

Even if only to say "super busy.... but will get back to you when things calm down...."

 

My ex and I always did that when we didn't have time to chat about whatever either of us texted the other about.

 

Earlier today, I attempted to organise an evening where we could spend time together and de-stress for the third time this week, he is to yet respond (however, I am aware he has read the message

Edited April 29, 2016 by katiegrl

[LoveRefreshed]

Okay you're not angry.... but given what she wrote below, can you agree, that at the VERY LEAST, he should respond back to her text message?

 

Five seconds!! Common courtesy?

 

Even if only to say "super busy.... but will get back to you when things calm down...."

 

My ex and I always did that when we didn't have time to chat about whatever either of us texted the other about.

 

 

Depends. Sometimes the first response is a frustrated angry response, so I often write it, delete it, and wait to calm down. He could have been pushed to his limit where he got irritated and now is forcing some space.

 

Have a lot on your plate, and the one person who should understand and respect that just wants to pile on another serving of expectations of your time, it can be a bit anger inspiring.

[elaine567]

This man has "trained" the OP to expect frequent hilarious texts and him to plan fun dates, now he is going AWOL on her. Of course she is going to be worried and a little upset.

As Katie says it takes 5 secs to send a "Don't worry, I am just busy" message.

[katiegrl]

D

 

Have a lot on your plate, and the one person who should understand and respect that just wants to pile on another serving of expectations of your time, it can be a bit anger inspiring.

 

Where are you getting this?

 

Are we reading the same thread?

[LoveRefreshed]

So a really busy, work oriented man, plans his freetime to go on dates with you. Now, for a few days, he's been to busy to plan a date and everyone is freaking out that.. what exactly?

 

OP's bf is.. ghosting? Losing interest? Breaking up with her? Focusing on important crap in his life?

 

My schedule is insanely packed too, yet I have tried to make time for us twice this week and things got canceled (by him) last minute due to his work commitments

 

And I'm the crazy one for saying op is being needy because in the last "couple days" she's had to put in some effort.

 

yet as of the last few days this has also changed majorly

 

Maybe I've missed the train on this, but how is OP not being needy?

 

Two-three days? Maybe he forgot to charge his batter? Maybe he forgot to pay his phone bill? Maybe op is a toilet texter and dropped it in the water planning a date with you while evacuated the tasty cashews he ate while writing a report at 10 o'clock the night before.

[candie13]

first months are for observation. Don't make any observation and please don't bring it up anymore. It's his turn to make efforts. Sit quietly and observe. If you don't like what you see, you can always reconsider.

 

I know people use phrases like "the one", but the one is made out of flesh and bones too. So you have two options: either cut him some slack and let him get away with it or disengage.

 

Calling him out on it is not any of these 2 options and will come back biting you in the butt, especially if you are right. No one likes to be pushed with the nose in his own stinking shyte, so I highly recommend you not trying that.

 

It's a dynamic. Change it by stop chasing him and he'll come back chasing you, again... unless something else (or someone else) hasn't happened, in the mean time.

 

4-5 months is a long period of time, but do the best to be prepared for anything. Literally anything. Keep busy and let him touch base. And please please please, stop making any efforts. You're two in this RS, you can't save it or him from it. He needs to save it himself.

 

I am sincerely sorry, OP, it sucks. Now be strong and do NOT react.

 

Best of luck !

[katiegrl]

LR, again where do you get that she's being needy?

 

He has pulled back from his standard practice of keeping in touch regularly, planning dates, etc. and she feels a bit off balance and questioning things.

 

She has not bothered him about this, these are her own internal feelings.

 

Is that not allowed in your world? When a significant other deviates from the norm, are their partners not allowed to question things?

 

Again, not even with their SO, but to themselves? And ask the opinions of others on a message board?

[candie13]

So a really busy, work oriented man, plans his freetime to go on dates with you. Now, for a few days, he's been to busy to plan a date and everyone is freaking out that.. what exactly?

 

OP's bf is.. ghosting? Losing interest? Breaking up with her? Focusing on important crap in his life?

 

 

 

And I'm the crazy one for saying op is being needy because in the last "couple days" she's had to put in some effort.

 

 

 

Maybe I've missed the train on this, but how is OP not being needy?

 

Two-three days? Maybe he forgot to charge his batter? Maybe he forgot to pay his phone bill? Maybe op is a toilet texter and dropped it in the water planning a date with you while evacuated the tasty cashews he ate while writing a report at 10 o'clock the night before.

Interesting men act interested.

 

This behavior is inconsistent and offputting. If the OP is not emotionally invested, I'd tell her to hit the gym and start shopping for new outfits, because it looks like she might need to find herself a new bf.

 

You snooze, you loose. The man is not acting interested. I believe any person - men or women - deserve partners honestly interested in them.

 

It takes 5 sec to fire a text. 5 sec. Between emails, facebooks, whatsup, emails... no, sorry, the dude cannot say he was "busy". What is does is called "pulling away". I really think you are doing the OP a high disservice by excusing the dude's behavior. There is no excuse.

 

Let's keep it real and be honest with eachother. The only way to not make mistakes and not lie - to other people but most importantly, to ourselves.

[elizabetk]

First of all, thanks everyone for the helpful replies and insight. Apologies for taking me a few hours to get back to you, work has taken over me.

 

I would like to address a few matters, that I thought could/would be helpful if anyone wants to give further advice.

 

@preraph - We haven't really talked about it, to be fair. I tried planning for us to see each other a couple of times this week, he couldn't do it (sometimes cancelled last minute which has happened before to both) and I said I absolutely understand as I know how hard it is to balance things at times.

 

@LoveRefreshed - As others pointed out, I am unsure what gives you the idea that I am angry or resentful to his career. I admire his determination and praise it highly but his behaviour has been out of character and 5 months are enough to be able to somewhat (hopefully successfully) judge your partner's character (from what you have been shown). I am successful at my own job, work long hours and have a very good standard of life, hence I do not depend on him or have inability to relate.

 

Also, I do not expect a date to be planned for me or anything remotely similar to what you're alluding to. When I suggest a "date" considering the workload he currently has, I mean come over to his house and cook for us, give him a massage while we watch something funny and spend some quality time together.

 

@d0nnivain - Thanks, I am trying to be as patient as I can. It is the lack of usual connection, via messages, desire to see me (hopefully and probably due to overly hectic schedule) etc. that truly makes me feel a bit insecure. As for the weekend, it doesn't look like we would be able to see one another as we both have big projects due on Tuesday and he seems very stressed about it. The last thing I would want is to pressure him to divide his attention (I truly believe there is a thing about men and their attention).

 

@katiegrl - Thank you! Summerised my feelings amazingly well.

 

@candie13 - Thanks. I am pretty sure it is work and no one else or anything else has happened in the mean time (haven't seen each other in a week). I will follow your advice, give him space (which I have been doing) and see him when he is less swamped. I was as understanding as I could be. Maybe he is pulling away (but then I would be genuinely surprised he as he truly has invested a lot of time and effort into this) or maybe we are going through blips.

 

I will be patient, give it all more time and make a logical decision. Too bad I love the guy so much.

Edited April 29, 2016 by elizabetk