IslandDude Posted May 11, 2016 Posted May 11, 2016 My point is unless she told you she is dating someone else directly in response to you admitting feelings for her, you should let her know either teasingly or semi-seriously that you are disappointed that you missed this window of opportunity with her (worded less formally IMO). Any suggestions on the "less formal" way to address missing the window? I find myself in similar situations and always want to press on for better or worse rather than just move on to the next girl.
Versacehottie Posted May 11, 2016 Posted May 11, 2016 Any suggestions on the "less formal" way to address missing the window? I find myself in similar situations and always want to press on for better or worse rather than just move on to the next girl. Well I was giving the OP the gist of the message and do get the feeling he is rather formal compared to how my friends, guys I've dated or I talk. I think the best way to do it is with humor, flirty, playful. Like tease her that SHE missed the opportunity with you as you were just about to see if she wanted to do xyz. Also lighthearted teasing as in are you still with what's his name? Things along those lines. That both are self-deprecating because it is beyond obvious that you mean YOU actually missed the window of opportunity with her. Lighthearted so there is little pressure and she can laugh while at the same time it causes a light bulb to go off in her head. Playful, flirty is also important because it was the element that has been missing all along in the equation (in OP's situation) so i think he (or you) would want to show it off at this point. Also it kinda lets you be real friends with open dialogue--but the open dialogue is at least about interest in her so it's out in the open. I think it's the confident move rather than sitting there pining and still acting perfect but uptight and at a distance, like you are not allowed to "move" any closer. I am the worst when it comes to thinking of lines in the midst of a thread but not at all in person. I would say my group we talk even less formally than that above. The whole point is whoever is saying it, however they speak, there should be a lighthearted-ness yet raw, open quality to whatever is said. I think sometimes it feels like a leap off a cliff. That's why they call it a leap of faith I'm pretty sure. It can be the simplest of sentences. Like right now someone has a thread going on where the guy texted or messaged her saying "i wish we never broke up". That's kinda serious but follows what I am saying in the raw category. Plus they were together before serious is ok. Also they, well she at least, doesn't sound overly formal whereas our OP does. I think our OP probably missed several opportunities to be more open and put himself out there with her. People do. Anyway the point is right after you send a short message or say a short statement like that (the leap) often you feel like, "I can't believe I just did that" and then you hold your breath until the other person responds. But usually if you are someone who holds things in, it is just what you need to do (sometimes it will affect the outcome well, sometimes not but still you won't feel regret). I think what often happens with people who hold back, are too formal and perhaps over-romanticize, is that when they get the courage, they will dump a long winded, over the top, too much on the other person. I think they miss the steps that actually bond people together, which are smaller and get the other person thinking. They are too in their heads but don't really give the other person that opportunity to marinate on them a bit. Does this make sense?
IslandDude Posted May 12, 2016 Posted May 12, 2016 Yes and thanks for the informative reply. Something that seems to happen to me a lot is I end up going out of the window and then don't want to just blurt something out out of the blue because I think it will be strange and might hurt the friendship. Seems to be a common problem from what I've read here. So I guess once I've resolved myself to not worry about the friendship and just concentrate on whether or not it will work as a dating relationship I struggle to find the best way to slip that in without it coming off just strange if we're hanging out but she thinks it's just as friends. 1
ly399 Posted May 12, 2016 Posted May 12, 2016 sounds like she's definitely interested. i'd not check out anybody's fb if i werent interested in that person
Versacehottie Posted May 12, 2016 Posted May 12, 2016 Yes and thanks for the informative reply. Something that seems to happen to me a lot is I end up going out of the window and then don't want to just blurt something out out of the blue because I think it will be strange and might hurt the friendship. Seems to be a common problem from what I've read here. So I guess once I've resolved myself to not worry about the friendship and just concentrate on whether or not it will work as a dating relationship I struggle to find the best way to slip that in without it coming off just strange if we're hanging out but she thinks it's just as friends. Yes it is a common problem around here. and probably out in the real world too ;0 I guess I'd need to know more about your situation without hijacking the OP's. But yeah if you've let it go friends for too long then it will feel like you are blurting it out. UNLESS, you just have some more outgoing, confident game that kinda applies to all people. If you generally act reserved and frankly there is timidness to your game, it will come off as a blurt out and yeah strange. The thing is within the prior communication if you have always been holding back and don't throw out little test nibbles aka flirting, some presumption that she is out with you as a friend bc there is more there (there usually is!!! or at least potential!! face it, it pretty much crosses everyone's mind that is on a friend date). I mean it pretty much always comes back to confidence. The timidness and trying to make sure everything is lined up all perfectly and she's "ok" with it, presumes you are bothering her in some way. There's an underlying presumption. The confident move is to presume that she would be lucky to have you therefore there's not really too much hesitation or holding back. And you aren't afraid to try or wait and wait and wait since you know you will be fine either way (with her/without her). That's attractive, no matter what she thinks of you. Sometimes of course maybe she hasn't really thought about it BUT that's why you behave in the manner because it tips things in your favor if there is a chance. Sometimes acting like that will PRECEDE the outcome.
IslandDude Posted May 12, 2016 Posted May 12, 2016 Sorry OP if we're going off topic but I think this all ties back to your original post. Yes I've tried to hint a few times with just basic things. Like she complains she doesn't look good or isn't smart or whatever and I'm like "you look good to me" etc. just common sense replies but at least showing I'm interested. Even when I say stuff like this though she barely acknowledges it like she knows I'm only saying it because we're friends but I'm really being totally truthful. I'm to the point like you said where it doesn't matter to me one way or the other, like I'm fine being friends and if somebody else comes along that I like so be it, but if I could tip this one to be more than friends that would be great too. Just trying to figure out the proper wording to grab her attention and make it seem genuine instead of friends kidding around. Ugh.
Versacehottie Posted May 12, 2016 Posted May 12, 2016 Sorry OP if we're going off topic but I think this all ties back to your original post. Yes I've tried to hint a few times with just basic things. Like she complains she doesn't look good or isn't smart or whatever and I'm like "you look good to me" etc. just common sense replies but at least showing I'm interested. Even when I say stuff like this though she barely acknowledges it like she knows I'm only saying it because we're friends but I'm really being totally truthful. I'm to the point like you said where it doesn't matter to me one way or the other, like I'm fine being friends and if somebody else comes along that I like so be it, but if I could tip this one to be more than friends that would be great too. Just trying to figure out the proper wording to grab her attention and make it seem genuine instead of friends kidding around. Ugh. Hmmm, just a quick idea. That response is too generic and too safe. You want her to know you've been THINKING ABOUT HER? So say a compliment that is more specific like something she did or way she looked had an impact on you. You know that personal space people have. There's verbal space too--step inside the boundaries of that, cross the line. The verbal space. There is no "perfect" wording. It's pushing a moment. taking a chance. I'm not sure from what you wrote here if she is interested. Maybe she isn't or maybe she is being safe too. Hard to tell. Start a thread with the situation and I will try to answer tomorrow. But in general from what you wrote. That's what any of my guy friends who are just friends would say. Lots would go even further--you need to basically take a chance to be flirty. "You look good to me" is neutral, not really flirty. Even "awww, you look good to me" with a bit of physical contact is better. Teasing or add something that lets her know the compliment is not neutral among friends.
Chris2016 Posted May 12, 2016 Posted May 12, 2016 Thank you everyone who replied with advice, i can't tell you how much i appreciate it. Just to update you all, it turns out my interest has just started seeing someone. so, either i took to long by being cautious and not wanting to seem pushy, or she was never interested in the first place I guess. Either way, I take from this the lesson that i need to be more forthcoming and take a chance. I wonder if anyone else agrees? I'm learning too OP. Just wanted to comment. For what it's worth. I agree that if you are romantically interested in her (and thinks she might be too, and maybe if you don't know yet) you have to escalate. Find out (early on?) if she thinks this is a date also, or if you're just hanging out?
Author xxjustinukxx Posted May 13, 2016 Author Posted May 13, 2016 I also think that you took too long and were too timid about it. Ok, rather than bash you for that (it sounds like you have learned your lesson). Here's what I want to ask? If you've learned your lesson, why are you taking a passive route with her now?? How did you find out that she is dating someone else? Did she tell you to your face in midst of you telling her something about your feelings or on a date? OR did you find out through others or she told you in passing and one of those lunches (!!!!!)? My point is unless she told you she is dating someone else directly in response to you admitting feelings for her, you should let her know either teasingly or semi-seriously that you are disappointed that you missed this window of opportunity with her (worded less formally IMO). I think playful is best (but realize that seems opposite to your personality). That will get her thinking and if it is shaky (as new things are prone to be) or doesn't work out, she knows there's is a real interest from you. Also she may even jump ship from him to you. Take the chance, if you are going to remain friends, I think it's better to get it out in the open rather than pine for her. A few of my friend couples got together in a version this way. You don't retreat and give up. You alter the plan which was in some way to show her you have feelings for her; still do that, just in an altered version. Start being that more proactive guy now; not on the next girl. good luck Ok so basically I wanted to set our proper date in stone, so to speak, and I asked her when she was free, she said she'd love to go out in the evening. so after a few texts she mentioned that she had "just started seeing someone" and she'd better check with him if he's cool with me and her going out in the evening. She said she would say to him that if she told him we were friends, she was sure he'd be ok with it. I told her i was happy she'd met someone and ill admit im gutted i missed the boat with her. She's since still been reaching out to me, asking how i am etc, and now im not sure whether i should still take her out, continue the friendly messages or just walk away altogether and let her come to me now she knows i have feelings for her. Part of me thinks the latter is the best option, but i dont want her to think i was just trying to be her friend in order to date her. She's awesome and i'll always care about her regardless.
Versacehottie Posted May 14, 2016 Posted May 14, 2016 Ok so basically I wanted to set our proper date in stone, so to speak, and I asked her when she was free, she said she'd love to go out in the evening. so after a few texts she mentioned that she had "just started seeing someone" and she'd better check with him if he's cool with me and her going out in the evening. She said she would say to him that if she told him we were friends, she was sure he'd be ok with it. I told her i was happy she'd met someone and ill admit im gutted i missed the boat with her. She's since still been reaching out to me, asking how i am etc, and now im not sure whether i should still take her out, continue the friendly messages or just walk away altogether and let her come to me now she knows i have feelings for her. Part of me thinks the latter is the best option, but i dont want her to think i was just trying to be her friend in order to date her. She's awesome and i'll always care about her regardless. oh no. Ok, well IMO, you should say: "I'm happy you met someone bc I want you to be happy but at the same time bummed I missed the boat with you." You take this opportunity to stake some sort of claim. A manhood claim at the very least. You don't willingly take the friend backseat. Since it sounds like you already answered her, you can still say some version of this--either when you get back to her about the evening out or when you decline the evening out. Does she know your feelings? It sounds like she doesn't. She basically called you only friend to your face by saying her new guy wouldn't mind. I just don't think you should continue the charade without getting something out in the open (from your end). I think you will feel better even if you don't get what you want (her). It will build your confidence to be honest and you never know what might happen down the road. Say all of what I bolded in YOUR message above. And then say you might need some space at first but that you want to keep a relationship with her. I wouldn't define. Leave it like a hanging chad. If this will be the first time she has heard that you have feelings for her, you have to give her some time to digest it. And you don't want to agree to take the friend seat. The two of you can navigate it together. Do this to put yourself on a more level playing field with her. You have her too much on a pedestal. Put yourself first in that you don't know yet what how you will feel exactly about a friendship with her or what that would be like. And you are not sure. But you "might" be open to it. It's the reality. You are confused. It may be more painful to be around, unrequited love or whatever that's called about her. It may not work out with this guy. So this is your real chance to stake your claim as an equal in this friendship or whatever it may turn into. Plus it's fair that if you are going to back away that she understand why. Good luck
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