Quokka Posted April 29, 2016 Posted April 29, 2016 So, me and this girl have been dating for 1 month as of today and it started off picture perfect. We were hanging out every other day, having sex each time we hung out together, and spending nights with each other. Lately, things have been different. I've moved out of my buddies house and back in with my Mom and she told me if I do that she will not have sex with me in my moms house. I didn't take her seriously so since I've moved back we don't have sex often today makes 2 weeks. She has a one year old child who is having a Birthday party this Saturday. One of her friends asked me if I was coming and I told her friend I didn't recieve an invite. Her friend told her I said that and she comes to me and says "you know I want you at my daughter's Birthday, but it would be weird" she said it would be weird because it's at her baby daddy's Mom's house. The baby daddy is also a dead beat I must mention. And I just agreed and walked off but deep down I'm offended and frankly feel unwanted. Then today, she tells me "so a lot more people are gonna be at the party than I expected" and I was like well what the ****? Lots of people can come except me. Wtf. She said "me and you and my daughter will go to the park monday because that's her real birthday" so It's like I can't be seen? I mean she has let me meet her mom and her step dad and all of her sisters and taken me to her brothers grave and also asked if we were going to be long term etc. so I know she's into me to an extent but this past week has been so ****ty. We hardly text, we hardly ****, we still make out and try to see each other. But I am honestly very offended that I cannot come to her daughter's Birthday. I mean we've only been together for a month but still. Also, her and the baby daddy are going to court soon because she is denying his right to see him because he is on drugs and doesn't pay child support and she claims he won't be at this party but I have my doubts. What do you guys think?
Tribble Posted April 29, 2016 Posted April 29, 2016 Kids and new partners is always difficult. To be honest, you need to respect her wishes. 'Everyone else' who is going is not a boyfriend. And a new one at that. To be fair, I think one month is too soon to introduce kids and new relationships. But I don't think this is really the problem here. Not to be harsh but you and she have been together for a month and you have started multiple threads about the problems you have in this relationship. And a lot of them aren't small, insignificant problems. Is this relationship worth the grief that it's causing in such a small space of time? Do you think it's going to get any better? 6
Els Posted April 29, 2016 Posted April 29, 2016 You are overreacting in this instance - IMO 1 month is too soon for her to even be introducing you to her daughter, let alone attend birthday parties. But I agree with Tribble, if you are having so many problems just 1 mth down the road, it's likely not going to get any better. 4
Author Quokka Posted April 29, 2016 Author Posted April 29, 2016 Kids and new partners is always difficult. To be honest, you need to respect her wishes. 'Everyone else' who is going is not a boyfriend. And a new one at that. To be fair, I think one month is too soon to introduce kids and new relationships. But I don't think this is really the problem here. Not to be harsh but you and she have been together for a month and you have started multiple threads about the problems you have in this relationship. And a lot of them aren't small, insignificant problems. Is this relationship worth the grief that it's causing in such a small space of time? Do you think it's going to get any better? Well I mean I don't really want to leave her either but I don't know what to do? I mean part of me wants to end it because I have needs she can't meet due to her life being crazy but I keep hope because she claims she is going to getting her own place soon and it'll be different once that happens. I myself have hella anxiety. Panic attacks and all. I've been through a lot of junk in my life and most of my relationships have ended in me being the heartbroken one so I'm just very fearful and rather needy and I really hate it consider I am suppose to be the man yet I am feminine. Always have been.
Author Quokka Posted April 29, 2016 Author Posted April 29, 2016 You are overreacting in this instance - IMO 1 month is too soon for her to even be introducing you to her daughter, let alone attend birthday parties. But I agree with Tribble, if you are having so many problems just 1 mth down the road, it's likely not going to get any better. Well we have moved rather quickly. Sex on the first date, meeting her daughter the first week, meeting her family the 2nd week. So honestly I've already seen a lot of her life and it doesn't seem abnormal for me to be at this party considering how fast everything has gone.
PegNosePete Posted April 29, 2016 Posted April 29, 2016 So, me and this girl have been dating for 1 month as of today Did not read any more. You're expecting to be invited to a kid's birthday party after 1 month of dating?? Not gonna happen, buddy!
basil67 Posted April 29, 2016 Posted April 29, 2016 Being fearful and needy is not gender specific. As a women, it's insulting that you'd say this. One month is too soon to go to her child's birthday party. It's only sensible that she'll want to make sure that the relationship has legs before making the type of waves which would happen by taking you to meet her ex partner's family. Frankly, if she had invited you it would be nothing short of alarming. 4
TXGuy Posted April 29, 2016 Posted April 29, 2016 Wow. This sounds like a mess. As far as the birthday party goes. You do not get to invite yourself. Your girlfriend does not get to invite you. The party is being put on by the paternal grandmother. The paternal grandmother is throwing the party and she is the one that gets to invite or not invite anyone she wants. She might not want to invite the latest man in the mother's life to her home to disrupt a family event, that almost certainly will include the father of the child (her son). This is not the least bit unreasonable. As you mention, you have only been dating for a month. It is still early days. Let this one go. Keep your powder dry for an argument worth having. Don't worry, it looks like you will have many more opportunities to be offended and get in arguments. Personally, I'd save up moral indignation for the position your girlfriend is taking with respect to withholding sex from you due to the fact that you are living with your mother. That one is likely to create more friction than not attending a birthday party for a child you have known for less than a month. 1
Author Quokka Posted April 29, 2016 Author Posted April 29, 2016 Being fearful and needy is not gender specific. As a women, it's insulting that you'd say this. One month is too soon to go to her child's birthday party. It's only sensible that she'll want to make sure that the relationship has legs before making the type of waves which would happen by taking you to meet her ex partner's family. Frankly, if she had invited you it would be nothing short of alarming. I just think men should be the muscular, stand-offish, mysterious, unclear with motives, etc. That usually builds attraction in women. Neediness, not so much. Please don't be insulted, I meant it as in I am a feminine male. I'm straight, but raised by my Mother and being around women is all I really know. I just care a lot more than most guys.
Els Posted April 29, 2016 Posted April 29, 2016 Personally, I'd save up moral indignation for the position your girlfriend is taking with respect to withholding sex from you due to the fact that you are living with your mother. That one is likely to create more friction than not attending a birthday party for a child you have known for less than a month. She isn't withholding sex from him as far as I've read - she says she doesn't want to have sex with him in his mother's house. That's quite a reasonable stance for anyone over the age of 20 IMO. They should still be able to have sex when he visits her. But yeah, whole thing is a huge mess. I mean, she introduced him to her kid during the first WEEK??? This seems like a case of too fast, too soon, too little maturity on both parties' ends. 1
Author Quokka Posted April 29, 2016 Author Posted April 29, 2016 Wow. This sounds like a mess. As far as the birthday party goes. You do not get to invite yourself. Your girlfriend does not get to invite you. The party is being put on by the paternal grandmother. The paternal grandmother is throwing the party and she is the one that gets to invite or not invite anyone she wants. She might not want to invite the latest man in the mother's life to her home to disrupt a family event, that almost certainly will include the father of the child (her son). This is not the least bit unreasonable. As you mention, you have only been dating for a month. It is still early days. Let this one go. Keep your powder dry for an argument worth having. Don't worry, it looks like you will have many more opportunities to be offended and get in arguments. Personally, I'd save up moral indignation for the position your girlfriend is taking with respect to withholding sex from you due to the fact that you are living with your mother. That one is likely to create more friction than not attending a birthday party for a child you have known for less than a month. Fair enough, however, it's not the paternal Grandmother's party, it's up to my girlfriend on who she invites it's only on the Grandmother's property.
Author Quokka Posted April 29, 2016 Author Posted April 29, 2016 She isn't withholding sex from him as far as I've read - she says she doesn't want to have sex with him in his mother's house. That's quite a reasonable stance for anyone over the age of 20 IMO. They should still be able to have sex when he visits her. But yeah, whole thing is a huge mess. I mean, she introduced him to her kid during the first WEEK??? This seems like a case of too fast, too soon, too little maturity on both parties' ends. Yeah , she isn't withholding sex, we have had sex in vehicle after a date but it WAS two weeks ago. She mentioned tonight how we're going to have sex soon. So she's not holding out on me. Just not in my mom's house due to her morals I suppose. I just thought she was joking when she said that. We have moved very fast though. I honestly do not care that she has a child or the fact I met her child in the first week.
TXGuy Posted April 29, 2016 Posted April 29, 2016 She isn't withholding sex from him as far as I've read - she says she doesn't want to have sex with him in his mother's house. That's quite a reasonable stance for anyone over the age of 20 IMO. They should still be able to have sex when he visits her. I agree. I had an earlier draft response that was more specific to that point, but I cut it out to focus on another point (the grandmother hosting the BD party). The distinction I had made was it was entirely reasonable to abstain from sex while his mom was home or was expected to be home in the near future. But, if mom was away at work for the next (say) six hours, and both OP and GF were home, then the 'under your mom's roof' argument loses a bit of reasonableness.
Els Posted April 29, 2016 Posted April 29, 2016 Yeah , she isn't withholding sex, we have had sex in vehicle after a date but it WAS two weeks ago. She mentioned tonight how we're going to have sex soon. So she's not holding out on me. Just not in my mom's house due to her morals I suppose. I just thought she was joking when she said that. We have moved very fast though. I honestly do not care that she has a child or the fact I met her child in the first week. How old are both of you? Her keeping you from her daughter isn't about you, it's about the daughter. It's just wrong for a mother to introduce her daughter to a man she's known for less than a week. No offense to you, I'm sure you mean no harm, but you can't KNOW that about a person after just a few days. That's why I think what she did was irresponsible. Not wanting to have sex in your mother's house is normal IMO. There is no way I would want to have sex with a man in his parents' house either. Just feels awkward. However for most adults, spending nights in their parents' house is an occasional thing so it isn't as big a deal.
Author Quokka Posted April 29, 2016 Author Posted April 29, 2016 How old are both of you? Her keeping you from her daughter isn't about you, it's about the daughter. It's just wrong for a mother to introduce her daughter to a man she's known for less than a week. No offense to you, I'm sure you mean no harm, but you can't KNOW that about a person after just a few days. That's why I think what she did was irresponsible. Not wanting to have sex in your mother's house is normal IMO. There is no way I would want to have sex with a man in his parents' house either. Just feels awkward. However for most adults, spending nights in their parents' house is an occasional thing so it isn't as big a deal. Well I'm 19 and she is 21. We are both so very young. So having sex in my Mom's house is pretty normal to me. I'm 19, I've been doing that since I was 15. But to her being a parent and all she feels it's morally wrong.
TXGuy Posted April 29, 2016 Posted April 29, 2016 Fair enough, however, it's not the paternal Grandmother's party, it's up to my girlfriend on who she invites it's only on the Grandmother's property. I think you might be losing sight of the fact that the party is in the home of the mother of the father of the child (paternal grandmother). Your GF (the mother of the child) very likely has wide latitude on who to invite to this party. But she seems to be exercising reasonable and rational discretion by not inviting you. Keep in mind that, according to you, your girlfriend is trying to take custody away from the host's son. GF is taking very reasonable steps to minimize, to the extent possible, additional and unnecessary drama.
Author Quokka Posted April 29, 2016 Author Posted April 29, 2016 I think you might be losing sight of the fact that the party is in the home of the mother of the father of the child (paternal grandmother). Your GF (the mother of the child) very likely has wide latitude on who to invite to this party. But she seems to be exercising reasonable and rational discretion by not inviting you. Keep in mind that, according to you, your girlfriend is trying to take custody away from the host's son. GF is taking very reasonable steps to minimize, to the extent possible, additional and unnecessary drama. The only reason I even am bothered about this is because I told my buddies and they pretty much said it's something I have a right to be upset about so I started getting upset. But after reading your reply I realize you're right. I'm also pretty sure if the party was anywhere else without the paternal grandparent's being there, I would be more than welcome. But she has told me Baby Daddy is crazy as all ****, he's on a lot of drugs and has told her he's going to find me and kill me if he can't have his family together. Baby Daddy also has a gf who my gf doesn't want her daughter around because she is drugged out with him. So she tells me if baby daddy figures out I'm around his child that can mess things up for her in court. I'm starting to see more clearly now. My buddies had me all worked up.
PegNosePete Posted April 29, 2016 Posted April 29, 2016 Fair enough, however, it's not the paternal Grandmother's party, it's up to my girlfriend on who she invites it's only on the Grandmother's property. Eh, whut? If it is the grandmother's property then it is up to the grandmother who is or isn't allowed onto her property. That's what being a landowner means. It means you can turn away anyone you don't want to be on your property. 2
basil67 Posted April 29, 2016 Posted April 29, 2016 I just think men should be the muscular, stand-offish, mysterious, unclear with motives, etc. That usually builds attraction in women. Neediness, not so much. Please don't be insulted, I meant it as in I am a feminine male. I'm straight, but raised by my Mother and being around women is all I really know. I just care a lot more than most guys. Muscular, stand-offish, mysterious, unclear with motives....it's good for attracting damaged women. Not good for anything else. Most men care. Your ideas about men and women are warped and sad. 3
Author Quokka Posted April 29, 2016 Author Posted April 29, 2016 Muscular, stand-offish, mysterious, unclear with motives....it's good for attracting damaged women. Not good for anything else. Most men care. Your ideas about men and women are warped and sad. The only reason for that is because every time I've ever came off as needy it always pushed women away. But when I backed off they 7 times out of 10 tried to pull me back.
Els Posted April 29, 2016 Posted April 29, 2016 The only reason for that is because every time I've ever came off as needy it always pushed women away. But when I backed off they 7 times out of 10 tried to pull me back. This is because you are both very young. As people get older (and hopefully more mature) they tend to have better criteria in selecting partners. Stay true to yourself. When you and the women you meet are in your mid-late 20s and beyond, it will likely get better. 1
Emilia Posted April 29, 2016 Posted April 29, 2016 You are very young OP, an adult in status but still a kid in reality. I understand your anxiety but really you'll have so much more of this sort of coming thing until you reach your late 20s. That's because you are immature and the people you date are immature. I wouldn't really tie myself to dating a single mum at your age and I would probably try to focus on having an independent life away from my mother's house. 1
Author Quokka Posted April 29, 2016 Author Posted April 29, 2016 You are very young OP, an adult in status but still a kid in reality. I understand your anxiety but really you'll have so much more of this sort of coming thing until you reach your late 20s. That's because you are immature and the people you date are immature. I wouldn't really tie myself to dating a single mum at your age and I would probably try to focus on having an independent life away from my mother's house. I am very young but was also forced to grow up very fast. When my Father passed when I was 15 I was thrown into reality. I had to go to work and I work very hard. I've dabbled in hardcore drugs and that made me grow up very quickly. It was immature to mess with hardcore drugs but the situations I was put in due to using them, I was brought into an adult world. The only women I have dated have always been 2-4 years older than me. Younger girls just don't appeal to me and have never worked out. and honestly, I don't care that she has a child. I want to make her life easier and take some of the load off of her. No one helps her. She gets no breaks and is always stressed. Leaving her just because she has a child would just make me feel terrible.
d0nnivain Posted April 29, 2016 Posted April 29, 2016 First this relationship moved way too fast . . . sex on the 1st date, meeting the family within the 1st week. When they start fast, they end fast. You need to build a foundation if you want something to last. That said, you are 19. You are too young to settle down & be saddled with somebody else's kid. Are you really willing to step up to the plate and be this kid's father with all that entails? You recently had to move back in with your own mother. That tells me you can barely support yourself let alone a wife & a child. So it's entirely reasonable for your new GF to keep you separate from a family event involving her child. Since her behavior to date has not be reasonable about anything else -- sleeping with you on the 1st date & already introducing you to people -- I can see where you are confused by this slight. I would assume that the baby daddy who can't have been gone long -- 19 months max -- will be at the birthday party. Your GF probably just doesn't want the drama of introducing you to the baby daddy. That doesn't mean she wants him back or plans to cheat on you. It's just a world's collide thing. IMO this woman does not make healthy choices. You may want to consider just how much effort you really want to put into this relationship that is going nowhere. The only things she has done "right" IMO is be there for her kid to some extent and not have sex with you in your mom's house. 1
katiegrl Posted April 29, 2016 Posted April 29, 2016 I just think men should be the muscular, stand-offish, mysterious, unclear with motives, etc. That usually builds attraction in women. Neediness, not so much. Please don't be insulted, I meant it as in I am a feminine male. I'm straight, but raised by my Mother and being around women is all I really know. I just care a lot more than most guys. This is your issue to fix, not your girlfriends. No wonder all your relationships end. Instead of expecting your gf to meet your unreasonable expectations due to your own issues, seek help for yourself in an attempt to overcome and resolve your issues. One month is too soon to meet your gf's daughter, plus the baby daddy's will be there. Frankly I don't get what the big deal is .... is there not anything else you can do on that day? You are far too invested in this after only one month, and IMO making a mountain out of a molehill. Again seek help for your issues, don't burden her with them by expecting her to fulfill unreasonable demands and expectations. That's not fair. Good luck.
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