JustDreaming Posted April 29, 2016 Posted April 29, 2016 I thought I would post this general breakup here, since my other post is more focused on something else. I was in an emotionally/psychologically abusive relationship with my exFiance, our relationship started out well, never really fought. Then I found out she was doing cocaine and lying about it behind my back, and even suspected that she cheated, but at the time couldn't prove it. I decided to work it out with her, but it was very hard to re-establish trust after being lied to for so long. She agreed she would go to AA and get sober. This lasted only a month 1/2 before she went back to doing drugs and lying again to me behind my back. Example her making me feel bad for something she did: I knew she was doing drugs, and I called her out on it, and she told me that she has been clean for 2-3 weeks and that I should trust her more. It made me feel guilty for starting a fight with her and it ended up with me apologizing and being upset. She let me take the fall for it, even though she was doing drugs still. I was so upset that I was willing to make it up to her by taking her to a concert. Recently (and now we are broken up) she told me that she was pregnant with another guy's child. I asked her why she cheated and she told me it was to get cocaine(lie). Then she admitted it was someone I knew which was her drug dealer) So I asked her if there was anyone else cheated on me with? and she denied it. Then someone that we mutually know told me that it wasn't just that one time, but 4 other times..that are known of. Her reason for cheating was because she didn't think she would get caught, and that she was apparently unhappy with the relationship. However, our relationship was fine until i found out she lied about drugs and suspected her of having an affair. After that, it went downhill for sure. She was apparently unhappy because , well she is a very sensitive person (i.e., any criticism she can't handle it or any little fight she thinks it is bigger than it really is), Also she mentioned that I apparently make her feel small in front of her friends (i.e.,) I remember telling her to watch her money and not spend it on alcohol, and she didn't like me saying that in front of her friends. She blamed my frustration and anger (of her not being clean, and doing the same actions and not changing) for her not having a good mental state. However , the only time I would be angry is when I was lied to, her persistent drug use, drinking almost every night, going out almost every night, spending all her money and complaining about it. Over the months/years it added up. I'm not trying to say that I'm perfect, hell, I'm far from it. But I definitely know that I wasn't as bad as she is portraying me to be. She would get mad at me and jealous because I hung out with her friends She would make me feel bad for spending money in front of her because she had none to spend. Most of the time she would put herself first, and act selfish, and disregard my feelings. Most of our fights were about her lying about her drug use and alcohol. We'd fight because she would spend her money on drugs and alcohol but apparently have no money to pay for herself to go out, and then expect me to pay for everything (including her rent at one point). She also had the nerve to tell me that I should have tried harder to get her help with her addiction. But I tried hard, and she wouldn't and didn't want to be honest about her sobriety. I did all I could. I stayed in this relationship with it always being my fault somehow, and now it has left me emotionally and mentally scarred. When she tries to contact me, she doesn't apologize for doing what she did and cheating etc, but yet she blames me for her not getting clean of drugs, and says me being angry at her and frustrated caused her stress etc. and yet I end up feeling guilty and like it is all my fault. There was a few times her friend seen us fight, and it was because she was doing drugs and didn't want to come home with me. and to go and pick up drugs. I admit it wasn't a pretty fight, I'd be moody and get mad but I never would call her down/names or anything of that sort. I don't know how to escape this emotional/mental blame....Its like I know I'm not what she is telling me, but yet I still believe it in a sense.. 1
basil67 Posted April 29, 2016 Posted April 29, 2016 JustDreaming, you were in a crap relationship with a drug addict. How else did you think this would turn out? If you learn nothing else from this, please learn to be more ruthless in who you choose to date. 3
MrBojangles Posted April 29, 2016 Posted April 29, 2016 JD, this is a tough break Bro. As I'd told you in one of your previous threads: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/573139-she-says-we-re-fighting-lot-her-friends-but-not-same-me#post6821688 that it would most likely come to her trading sex for her cocaine. She has unprotected sex with her drug dealer, and gets pregnant? Think about how many other women, in your exes' position have also spread their legs for this drug dealer! You should get tested ASAP for STDs'! I do know the hurt of going through a situation just like yours. What eventually helped in my situation, was to completely end all contact with my ex. It was hard to do in the beginning, but I eventually succeeded. My ex kept attempting to come back, and continually reached out to me, but I refused to acknowledge her. Only then was I able to move on with my life. Keep in mind that she allowed herself to get pregnant by her drug dealer while in a relationship with you! Not only that, but exposed you to possible STDs'! You must find a way to move on with your life, and completely cut this woman off. It won't be easy, but you will not recover, nor move forward as long as you continue to communicate with her. It's clear that you still care, but you can't help or save her. Frankly, if she is pregnant and still doing drugs while pregnant, she's a horrible person IMO. But she's not your concern anymore. Also be aware that her friends are not necessarily your friends. Some of them apparently knew she was lying and cheating while you two were together. I'm telling you this because you may need to remove some of these people from your life also, to move forward. In my case, I had to completely cut off my ex's friends and family before I could move on with my life. 2
Author JustDreaming Posted April 30, 2016 Author Posted April 30, 2016 Do you have kids together? No kids together, no. 1
Author JustDreaming Posted April 30, 2016 Author Posted April 30, 2016 MRBOJANGLES: You were right, apparently they had a past together but she lied about that too. Well what can I expect? Its lie after lie after lie and nothing was the truth. She was lying from the very beginning. Not to mention cheating from the very beginning (with someone else), so I doubt her being "unhappy" had anything to do with that since we were still in the honeymoon phase. Even when we were happy, I found out, that she tried to make out with yet another, deliberately. Not to mention some trusted friends that I know, who know her, also tell me that she has always been like this, with every ex...trying to make them feel like they're to blame, using them for money, talking bad about them, and making herself look like the victim. Also, her friends mentioned she likes attention, if I respond or give her something to feed off of then she will continue to do it. Not to mention, she is milking her pregnancy as best as she can so everyone feels sorry for her, and posting things on social media. Recently, she has been texting me here and there, but I feel like she is doing that just to make me feel like its all my fault. Most of her texts were blaming me for not getting her help and pushing her to be sober, even though I tried. She tried to blame me for pushing her away basically. She is acting like the victim, when I'm the one who got cheated on. Not giving into her texts is helping me to prevent from her bringing me down. It will be day two of no contact soon, and I have been keeping busy with my friends and family. Not to mention now I have more money to spend on myself. I have a feeling though that I will still have my good days and my bad days but eventually just coming to terms, and making sure I don't feed into her needs of abuse will help in the long haul for healing. I'm guessing it will just take time... 2
Satu Posted April 30, 2016 Posted April 30, 2016 Guilt is a useless thing. Remorse for genuinely bad actions is OK. Regret for errors of judgement is also OK. Feeling guilty doesn't bring anyone any benefit. So give it up. Take care.
Satu Posted April 30, 2016 Posted April 30, 2016 snip MRBOJANGLES: *Not giving into her texts is helping me to prevent from her bringing me down. *Block her so that you don't even get them. 1
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