CreativeZen Posted April 29, 2016 Posted April 29, 2016 I'm in a bit of a mess: I am 24, I had a great girlfriend, but we broke up because certain things just weren't working out. A few months before breaking up, I had met another girl. I instinctively knew she was perfect; it felt like I had met the love of my life. So I backed off, out of respect for my girlfriend. We still talked sporadically though. After my breakup, I pursued her. She liked me a lot too, but I was an idiot and said I wanted to take it slow, that I needed time alone. I wanted to be sure that my feelings for her were genuine, plus I didn't want to make my ex feel bad for already dating somebody else. A big mistake in retrospect, since I think it made her feel like I did not know what I wanted and that I didn't take her seriously. A month after, I talked to the new girl again, and she wanted to stay friends. I kind of doubted she really wanted this, since a lot of her actions and words pointed to more, but she said she wanted to be friends, so I tried to keep it platonic. I contacted her a few times as friends, but she slowly started ignoring me and started being super flakey so I basically made an ultimatum: "You either take this supposed friendship seriously, or not at all, I'm not going to put effort into this, if you aren't." For me this was also a bit of a tactic of going into NC, since I still had feelings for her. So best case scenario: she would step it up and I would have a friend who I could actually talk to; worst case, I can start to forget about her. Now, 5 months later, I still think about her almost daily. At times I feel like I absolute crap because I feel like I missed out on the person who could have been my wife. I feel like it's starting to get worse, I feel like I want to bring her up to all my friends, just to lament about her. Honestly, right now I want to break NC and contact her one more time, either to get in her life again, either as a friend (I would honestly be okay with this) or as a more (would be preferable, but I am not going to push it), or just to get some sort of closure. To make matters worse, my ex has reappeared, and a lot of earlier issues seem to have resolved themselves. We talked about getting back together, and I honestly feel she is a great woman. By far the greatest person I have met...aside from this girl that I can't seem to get over. A part of me wants to get back with my ex, but I think it would be so unfair if I am still hung up on this other girl. Anyone got any advice?
Beren Posted April 29, 2016 Posted April 29, 2016 If you think about this "new girl" so much, I'm not sure getting back with your ex is the best idea. But remember the grass is always greener on the other side. The same issues/different issues you had with your ex could arise with this new girl. I think you have to work out where your heart truly lies and pursue that. The new girl might just want to be friends, and I know you said you're okay with that. But tread carefully and make sure you can truly just see her as a friend. I've been in the situation of being friends with someone I liked a lot more, and it didn't go well. So if you really want to be with this new girl, contact her that last time and get your closure. If you feel your heart lies with your ex pursue that. But don't keep her as a back up plan. Let her go if that's the case. 1
PegNosePete Posted April 29, 2016 Posted April 29, 2016 I basically made an ultimatum: "You either take this supposed friendship seriously, or not at all, I'm not going to put effort into this, if you aren't." Goodness, I hope you're paraphrasing yourself there. If you really said it just like that, I'm not surprised she didn't respond positively. I don't think many people would. I think you've burned your bridges here. 1
Author CreativeZen Posted April 29, 2016 Author Posted April 29, 2016 If you think about this "new girl" so much, I'm not sure getting back with your ex is the best idea. But remember the grass is always greener on the other side. The same issues/different issues you had with your ex could arise with this new girl. I think you have to work out where your heart truly lies and pursue that. The new girl might just want to be friends, and I know you said you're okay with that. But tread carefully and make sure you can truly just see her as a friend. I've been in the situation of being friends with someone I liked a lot more, and it didn't go well. So if you really want to be with this new girl, contact her that last time and get your closure. If you feel your heart lies with your ex pursue that. But don't keep her as a back up plan. Let her go if that's the case. I have had a few instances where I liked someone, I ended up being friends and after a period of minor drama/awkwardness, things worked out. Then again, I never felt this in love with any of them, but I honestly can imagine being friends with her. For some reason I am pretty decent at closing off my emotions, and whilst I cannot imagine not wanting to be with her, I do not feel like it would impede my relationships with other people if I had a friendship with her... I think I'll sit on it for a weekend and see what to do. one of the worries I have about actually contacting her is that she'll just ignore it. And I don't want to be the creep who just shows up at het doorstep unannounced. Goodness, I hope you're paraphrasing yourself there. If you really said it just like that, I'm not surprised she didn't respond positively. I don't think many people would. I think you've burned your bridges here. Nor sure what I wrote anymore, since I deleted all my texts with her, but it was something along the lines of "Hey, you just seem to be very off lately and just making up excuses to avoid me, so if you don't want to see me anymore I'll make it easy for you so you don't have to have to continue this whole ghosting process/ have a big confrontation with me: I'm going to leave you alone, and if you do want to actually be friends, then just let me know. If not, well that's that then."
Satu Posted April 29, 2016 Posted April 29, 2016 Offering people only black or white choices, can result in another workable option going unnoticed. In psychoanalytic circles, black and white thinking is called 'splitting.' "Yes and No: This certainly is the law of all life, but not Yes alone and not No alone. Yes alone is the advice of a self-deceiving confidence which soon will be shaken by the No of the three gray figures: emptiness, guilt, death. No alone is the advice of a self-deceiving despair whose hidden Yes to itself is manifest in its self-seclusion and its resistance against the Yes of love and communion. And further, Yes and No is the law of all truth. Not Yes alone and not No alone! Yes alone is the arrogance which claims that its limited truth is the ultimate truth, but which reveals by its fanatical self-affirmation how many hidden No’s are present in its ground. No alone is the resignation which denies any ultimate truth but which shows by its self-complacent irony against the biting power of every word of truth how strong the Yes to itself is that underlies its ever-repeated No." - Paul Tillich Take care. 2
Author CreativeZen Posted May 2, 2016 Author Posted May 2, 2016 Offering people only black or white choices, can result in another workable option going unnoticed. In psychoanalytic circles, black and white thinking is called 'splitting.' "Yes and No: This certainly is the law of all life, but not Yes alone and not No alone. Yes alone is the advice of a self-deceiving confidence which soon will be shaken by the No of the three gray figures: emptiness, guilt, death. No alone is the advice of a self-deceiving despair whose hidden Yes to itself is manifest in its self-seclusion and its resistance against the Yes of love and communion. And further, Yes and No is the law of all truth. Not Yes alone and not No alone! Yes alone is the arrogance which claims that its limited truth is the ultimate truth, but which reveals by its fanatical self-affirmation how many hidden No’s are present in its ground. No alone is the resignation which denies any ultimate truth but which shows by its self-complacent irony against the biting power of every word of truth how strong the Yes to itself is that underlies its ever-repeated No." - Paul Tillich Take care. I think in retrospect, I was a bit too harsh. But I was tired of waiting and didn't want to be in that purgatory of "well, where is this going to go?" I just was fed up with the situation. Being patient has never truly been my strong suit. Anyways...I actually ran into her in a surprise encounter! It was a good interaction and she seemed to still be into me if I read her body language correctly. She was leaving town for a few months, so nothing is going to happen any time soon though. But we will probably hang out after that, but I am not necessarily expecting us to, since a lot can happen in a few months.
ChickiePops Posted May 2, 2016 Posted May 2, 2016 If you're waiting for new girl, please do not string your ex along. That would be incredibly cruel.
Author CreativeZen Posted May 3, 2016 Author Posted May 3, 2016 If you're waiting for new girl, please do not string your ex along. That would be incredibly cruel. Yeah, I agree. She definitely does not deserve that. But on the other hand, I don't want to ruin an amazing second chance with my ex, only to wait for a girl who might turn out not to be so great after all/it never working out.
Miss.A Posted May 3, 2016 Posted May 3, 2016 You need to decide which girl you want to pursue. You can't have your cake and eat it too. Your basically saying youre putting your ex on the back burner until you get an answer from the new girl. And she doesn't deserve that! If she knew she'd probably be so far gone by now. Weigh your options and decide soon, because by the time you do.. they'll both be gone.. and then what? It sounds as if youre leaning towards your ex. But you dont wanna burn any bridges.
quattrob Posted May 3, 2016 Posted May 3, 2016 Yeah, I agree. She definitely does not deserve that. But on the other hand, I don't want to ruin an amazing second chance with my ex, only to wait for a girl who might turn out not to be so great after all/it never working out. I get what you're saying but you're thinking too selfishly. If you are going to pursue the "new girl" you need to at the very least let your ex know and not hide it from her because you're afraid that might ruin any second chances with her later on. Hate to break it to you but you're being a jerk by keeping your ex as a backup plan. You need to figure out fast what you want to do. If you can't do that then at least tell your ex (if she is interested in reconciling) that you aren't sure at this time. You need to be an adult and be straight forward and stop being so selfish and only think about what you want at the expense of others. 1
Blanco Posted May 3, 2016 Posted May 3, 2016 You should probably just let the ex go find someone who actually wants to be with her. Your emotional affair with another woman while you were with the now-ex is what brought you here a year ago. 1
privategal Posted May 3, 2016 Posted May 3, 2016 I think you dont know what YOU want. Stop dating until you figure that out. Make a clean break with your ex. You need a time out to gather yourself. What about work, family, friends, goals? Time to get your thoughts out of relationship-land and on you as a whole without a girlfriend.
Author CreativeZen Posted May 6, 2016 Author Posted May 6, 2016 I think you dont know what YOU want. Stop dating until you figure that out. Make a clean break with your ex. You need a time out to gather yourself. What about work, family, friends, goals? Time to get your thoughts out of relationship-land and on you as a whole without a girlfriend. I am really focused on all the non-relationship stuff too, got my school/career in order, slowly building up my friendship circle, too, etc. I think you all are right ad I should just be genuine in all this. I will tell my ex I need some time alone to figure it all out. I can't get into another relationship while so hung up on someone else, even if that person does not want me back.
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