Am I being immature and wrong for feeling this way?

[Purple456]

Me and my boyfriend dont talk everyday. He lives an 1hr away and is moving closer to me in the fall when his lease is up. we see eachother twice a week when he is off work. When we are together it is fantastic ,we just click and we feel strongly toward one another, and sometimes when we are appart it is great too. But sometimes is he doesn't text me for two days (i guess becuase he's busy with work or friends which is fine) I feel like he has lost intrest in me and that he's planning on breaking up with me or that were not even together. He always tells me he doesn't have to hear from me everyday to know I truly care about him and that were in a relationship. I sort of agree but I still have those feeling ever so often. I texted him today at 2pm and its 10pm now and he hasn't texted me back. Tbh This doesn't usually happen and he always text back no matter how late the reponse.. but sometimes on rare occasions it does and it bothers me a bit. Am I being immature?

Edited April 29, 2016 by Purple456
Editing

[BilleRae]

As someone who is going through a relatively similar situation, I hope my advice helps:

 

It's not immature at all. People have different levels of needs when in a relationship. There is some truth to what your boyfriend said regarding texting...no you don't need to speak everyday and yes you should be confident in his feelings for you (that's where trust comes into play) however most of us let our minds take us to a place of insecurity when we don't hear from our significant others. Also keep in mind that guys don't view texting the same way girls do. Guys could think that sending one text a day is sufficient, even if it isn't. I think it's safe to say he truly likes you a lot and isn't doing this to intentionally make you feel badly; there could be a whole bunch of reasons why he hasn't answered. Just be confident in his feelings for you and vice versa and if the texting situation doesn't get better, try to reach out to him and express your concerns and if he truly likes/loves (idk where you guys are at) you he'll listen to your concerns and compromise. Hope this helps.

[Buddhist]

I don't think it's immature, but it is needy. My guess is you are sending these texts in a subconscious need to be validated and to know he is still there. You might want to see someone about abandonment issues. I have abandonment issues and it can develop even when you've had a parent who is fully present. Mine developed because I was one of the last children in a large family and mother was less present with me than the other children. It really can affect people that much.

 

Not your fault but is your problem to deal with. Better to deal with it sooner rather than later.

[Fused]

My guess is you are sending these texts in a subconscious need to be validated and to know he is still there. You might want to see someone about abandonment issues.

 

it may not even be abandonment issues. OP feels disconnected and especially since her boyfriend is one hour away she probably feels helpless and clueless to what is going on in his mind. if he isn't texting her then what else is he thinking about? come on its 2016, sending a text takes less time than it does to take a deep breath.

 

coming from a person that feels needy when i dont hear back from my boyfriend in less than 4 hours, i can say I've never had abandonment issues, and dont need to see anybody.

OP, in my opinion just have a normal conversation with your boyfriend the next time you see him in person. just explain how you are basically in a long distance relationship and you would prefer that he sends out texts often, not 247, but at least a few.

[Buddhist]

OP feels disconnected and especially since her boyfriend is one hour away she probably feels helpless and clueless to what is going on in his mind. if he isn't texting her then what else is he thinking about? come on its 2016, sending a text takes less time than it does to take a deep breath.

 

And this is what I just don't get about the younger generation. I have a few problems really understanding some things you've said here.

 

- An hour away is hardly a long distance relationship. What's a short one? Living in the same street? Someone you date could live in the same city as you and still be an hour away depending on what mode of transport you use. It isn't a great distance at all. I've had long distance relationships that span 10hr flights and international borders. Merely living in different towns was the norm once, people managed quite okay like that. No-one called it a 'long distance relationship' because it was also quite normal to only get together with your partner a few times a week unless you were living together.

 

- She feels helpless and clueless as to what's going on in his mind? Well he is a separate entity after all. Even if they were living together she would feel the same. It isn't necessary for her to know what's going on in her boyfriends head in order to feel secure in life and secure in her connection with him. If she's feeling disconnected, helpless and clueless merely because they don't talk everyday then that is a sign of neediness. I'm sorry it is. Prior to msg apps, mobile phones and facebook it was very normal for partners to not talk every single day and no-one freaked out about it. When I was 20 my partner lived in the UK, I lived in AUS and we spoke once per week. I don't recall ever freaking out over it. He emailed me once a fortnight. I didn't die.

 

- What else is he thinking about? Probably a myriad of things. People do have lives and interests outside of their SO and that's completely normal and fine. There is nothing wrong with it. The trouble is, a generation that has grown up primarily communicating with everyone in their lives via txt msg feels insecure and like something is horribly wrong if that habit isn't continued for the rest of their lives. Back in the day of face to face communication it was common for people to feel completely secure when they weren't in the company of significant people in their lives for hours, days or even....gasp weeks at a time. They didn't need to constant ding of a txt to assure themselves the world was okay.

 

I rather suspect this is where the anxiety epidemic in the world comes from.

[hippychick3]

We all have different levels of needs and expectations in a relationship. What you described would NOT work for me. I personally need daily communication or I don't feel connected to my partner. However, there are others who don't need this frequency of contact to feel connected. It sounds like either your boyfriend is this type of person OR he is seeing someone else.

 

It's unlikely your needs will change and unlikely he will change his pattern and frequency of contact. This is why we date to see how compatible we are for long term. This is an issue of incompatibility.

[tayriley]

i don't think you are needy or immature. some people need/want daily contact with their significant other. there is nothing wrong with that.

 

that said, texting is tricky because sometimes a person reads a text and means to respond back but because they are in the middle of something, they forget later. i certainly would want to talk to my boyfriend daily. a text wouldn't do for me.

 

also, an hour is nothing. that is the commute time most mornings for most of the people living in big cities.

 

it sounds like you two have different ideas of what you want a relationship to look like. he doesnt want to talk to his gf everyday but you want to talk to your bf everyday...unless you two can compromise on this, i dont how you two can be compatible.

[Els]

You're not wrong at all for desiring more contact. Although I do feel it's a bit of a stretch for you to jump to "I think he is losing interest and wants to break up" after just TWO days without contact, especially considering that he appears to be planning to move just to be closer to you. Is he taking concrete steps towards that or is it just talk, though?

 

That being said, I wouldn't be okay with constant 2 day gaps without contact either. I think you should bring them up, not in a "OMG are you losing interest?!?!" way, but as a two-way discussion about contact preference. Then you can decide whether to try and compromise, or to go your separate ways.

[Emilia]

I saw on another thread that you have been dating for 8 months. I would expect pretty much daily contact by now. Not strictly daily but as the rule of thumb, even if some that is just some random joke or whatever.

[ad4m]

I saw on another thread that you have been dating for 8 months. I would expect pretty much daily contact by now. Not strictly daily but as the rule of thumb, even if some that is just some random joke or whatever.

 

If this is the case, that you have been dating for 8 months, then I agree, you should be having daily contact. It doesn't have to be very much and the conversation (texting) doesn't have to last for ages, but some kind of conversation should be happening daily, even if it is to just see how the other is doing.

 

Why don;t you talk to him about it the next time you see him?

[Gaeta]

Me and my boyfriend dont talk everyday. He lives an 1hr away and is moving closer to me in the fall when his lease is up. we see eachother twice a week when he is off work.

 

What do you mean off work. Do you mean after his word day? Does this mean he is not seeing you on weekends?

 

An hour away is not long distance like above poster said. Takes me 1 hour to get to work and I drive this twice in a day. Why after 8 months dating you only see each other 2 times a week?

 

 

I feel like he has lost interest in me and that he's planning on breaking up with me or that were not even together.

I don't think you should dismiss this feeling. I think you feel that way because you don't feel secure in this relationship, you don't have a strong sense of 'togetherness' and that's caused by him keeping you at arms length.

 

He always tells me he doesn't have to hear from me everyday to know I truly care about him and that were in a relationship.

Good for him but you're not him. When you talk to him about YOUR needs and he replies to you with a sentence talking about HIS needs, I see someone that is self-centered. He doesn't need to speak to you every day therefore you shouldn't feel that need either?!!. His reply was very dismissive of your feelings as if they are not important.

 

Hon, no you are not immature, you are dating the wrong man. I don't think this man is moving specifically to be close to you at fall. There has to be something else why he's moving close, something that would benefit HIM. Certainly not something that would benefit you as he is not at all in doing things for YOU.

 

I am sorry for raining on your parade. After 8 months dating you cannot call that man a 'boyfriend'.

[Purple456]

Thanks everyone for your advice. We did talk today on the phone and he was happy to hear from me he had to work today and he was napping. I feel like its is me being needy more than anything. Because the only problem I have with him in our relationship is his texting habits. And some girls have way worse. Maybe this is nothing. He makes efforts in the relationship, we usually never go more than two days without talking and he usually initiates the text with a "hey babes!!!" Or a "I miss you" because i dont want to be a bother...i had that problem in my last relationship and I told him and he always tells me im never ever a bother to him. He works two jobs so he works 7 days a week sometimes he gets a day off and if not he will take me out to breakfast before work. I think im being too needy ive noticed the two day gap we sometimes have makes us crave eachother more..which i noticed in todays phone call. My last ex texted and phoned me every day and that relationship bombed big time. The only thing we arnt compatible in is texting and thats it,and thats a dumb reason to break up. The fact that he is moving closer to me, he planned on moving to be near me after a month of us dating. Then a month after, he got a job offer where i live that makes good money and it seems to be working out. Maybe he is moving for himself,maybe for me...or both..idk. His friends had told him to move closer to me aswell which im shocked about. We will see how it pans out. He seems to be making alot of plans for the near future aswell as our anniversary trip and to drive 19hr to visit his parents in another city...he must be thinking more deep than I am, because that was far from my mind tbh. He apologized about his texting habits and says hes working on it. I doubt there will be a drastic change even his friends say hes a bad texter. Hes older than me so maybe thats why.

[candie13]

OP, I think with him moving closer, you will see if he's trying to preserve his independence or is just not into texting or if you two are incompatible when it comes to closeness.

 

It's not the texting the issue, it's your insecurity. After 8 months, I would not think he's about to dump me if he's being scarce. However, I would think it's rude to wait 8h to respond to a text. I'd be pissed and I'd ignore him for a day or so.

 

Please don't make excuses for him. Be as honest as you can with your needs and with his behavior. You don't want to create a whole RS in your head and calm yourself down with how other women have it worse. Some men beat up their partners regularly, does it make it ok to have a partner screaming at you / abusing your verbally on regular basis, only because others have it worse?

 

No. Think about YOUR needs. You sound a bit codependent. Read a bit about it.

 

cheers

[Gaeta]

And some girls have way worse. Maybe this is nothing.

Please don't think that way. It's not because some other women have it worse that it makes your relationship good. It's like saying 'ma man is a good man cause he's never been to jail'.

 

You seem set to accept there is nothing wrong with him and it's all on you. The fact he calls you babe and sweetie is irrelevant. You measure the love of a man by his actions, how he sets time aside for you, how he travels to see you, how he listens to you, how he's concerns for your feelings. Which we know he completely dismissed when you told him about his texting habit.

 

That being said, when he moves closer to you it should be very reveling of where he's standing in this relationship.

[Purple456]

Please don't think that way. It's not because some other women have it worse that it makes your relationship good. It's like saying 'ma man is a good man cause he's never been to jail'.

 

You seem set to accept there is nothing wrong with him and it's all on you. The fact he calls you babe and sweetie is irrelevant. You measure the love of a man by his actions, how he sets time aside for you, how he travels to see you, how he listens to you, how he's concerns for your feelings. Which we know he completely dismissed when you told him about his texting habit.

 

That being said, when he moves closer to you it should be very reveling of where he's standing in this relationship.

 

 

 

 

Lol true...I sort of agree with what your saying. This is something he needs to work on, though i doubt the texting thing will change. Tbh 90% of the time he will always responds right away if hes not with a client/at work. And I should not blame myself when he doesnt repond. His actions so far are good, he is the guy that believes actions are better than words..he has a tattoo of it on his back. Anyways He does travel to see me as much as he can and Im okay with him taking some of his free days to have time to himself. We try to compromise but its hard because hes always tired from work. Even when he sees me after work,or after a night shift, he tries so hard to stay awake for me and i appreciated it but I dont want to wear him out even more that he sees me as a "burden then a blessing" if i keep bringing up the texting thing. I feel like its annoying or childish.

Edited April 29, 2016 by Purple456
Editing

[candie13]

codependents feel bad for asking for natural things such as having their needs met. Natural, simple needs. Your needs are your needs. Having needs doesn't make you a child, it makes you human. It is very worrying that you feel that expressing your needs makes you feel like a helpless powerless victim.

 

You're not even living together. This is like the tip of the iceberg, it's really simple and easy. Saying what you need, when you need it.

[BlueIris]

Me and my boyfriend dont talk everyday. He lives an 1hr away and is moving closer to me in the fall when his lease is up. we see eachother twice a week when he is off work. When we are together it is fantastic ,we just click and we feel strongly toward one another, and sometimes when we are appart it is great too. But sometimes is he doesn't text me for two days (i guess becuase he's busy with work or friends which is fine) I feel like he has lost intrest in me and that he's planning on breaking up with me or that were not even together. He always tells me he doesn't have to hear from me everyday to know I truly care about him and that were in a relationship. I sort of agree but I still have those feeling ever so often. I texted him today at 2pm and its 10pm now and he hasn't texted me back. Tbh This doesn't usually happen and he always text back no matter how late the reponse.. but sometimes on rare occasions it does and it bothers me a bit. Am I being immature?

 

No, you're not being immature. It's perfectly fine to want daily contact with your partner.