Reasons that a guy disappears after date #1

[AMJ]

My friend told me this story- she went out with a guy she met online. He seemed really interested, kept telling her how gorgeous she was, and insisted on having a longer first date (ordering appetizers and then dinner, and then dessert). They had good chemistry, were laughing and sharing stories the entire time. Afterwards they made out standing in front of her car, and then continued the make out inside her car. He wanted to go home with her, she said not ready for that yet, he says he's okay with going as fast or slow as she likes.

 

Then two days later he blocked her from the dating site and won't return her texts. She told me the whole story and the only thing I can think of is that he was annoyed she wouldn't sleep with him right away. But she thinks that maybe he was turned off because she shouldn't have made out with him in her car.

 

Thoughts? What other reasons do people have for making out with someone and then never talking to them again?

[carhill]

From my dating experiences in my 20's, presuming behaviors cross gender lines, married is one reason.

[AMJ]

You mean, he's married and just wanted a one night stand? Isn't that kind of risky? What if someone who knows him saw them out together?

[carhill]

People, men, have spats with spouse, like a little strange, push boundaries, etc, etc, then once the fantasy becomes reality and another human is involved, oops, what the heck was I thinking. Shut down.

 

Another reason is juggling multiple women and stumbling across one that fits, then all others are shut down. This man didn't explain and IME this is really smart since time and nothing to chew on lends more credibility to the classic smooth talk later if he wants part deux.

 

Of course, he could've been turned off by no quick sex. That happens. That could have been what he was looking for and since no go, he went.

 

I tend to go with the advice female friends gave me back in the day when I was incredulous at the goings on - it isn't personal so move on. That was hard advice to take initially but it sunk in after awhile.

[AMJ]

Hmm...from the story it seemed like he was really interested in a relationship. He asked her out on a second date in the middle of dinner. It's just the most weird story. Both she and I are used to having plenty of bad first dates that you know went badly, but this was one of those rare times that both people say they feel chemistry (unless he was faking it or lying about it) and then he completely disappears. She's pretty bummed about it, I feel bad for her. I thought maybe someone here could point out something I wasn't thinking of...him not being single is a possibility.

[PegNosePete]

There's a million and one reasons that someone (male or female) would do this. Rational or irrational. Everything he said could've just been lies. It was only 1 date, after all.

 

a) He's married or in a relationship, as suggested above. Maybe just out for ONS, or looking to upgrade or monkey swing. Either he changed his mind, or his spouse found out.

b) He was just looking for sex and because he didn't get it, lost interest.

c) He was dating multiple women and decided another one had better potential.

d) He was on day release from prison looking for a good time.

e) He was on day release from psych ward looking for a good time.

f) His kids didn't like him dating other women so he decided to call it off for them.

g) His phone got stolen and someone blocked your friend just for a laugh.

h) He was abducted by aliens.

 

Honestly, there's no way anyone can know what he's thinking, so it doesn't really pay to speculate or obsess over these things. Just accept that he's not interested in another date, for whatever reason, and move on.

[jen1447]

^ To add to the list, some ppl really are pretty terrible and just like to practice their 'game' at the expense of someone else. He may have wanted a quick shag and used the date to work on his technique w/women, and when the sex went by the wayside just decided to next her and move on.

[Liam1]

My friend told me this story- she went out with a guy she met online. He seemed really interested, kept telling her how gorgeous she was, and insisted on having a longer first date (ordering appetizers and then dinner, and then dessert). They had good chemistry, were laughing and sharing stories the entire time. Afterwards they made out standing in front of her car, and then continued the make out inside her car. He wanted to go home with her, she said not ready for that yet, he says he's okay with going as fast or slow as she likes.

 

Then two days later he blocked her from the dating site and won't return her texts. She told me the whole story and the only thing I can think of is that he was annoyed she wouldn't sleep with him right away. But she thinks that maybe he was turned off because she shouldn't have made out with him in her car.

 

Thoughts? What other reasons do people have for making out with someone and then never talking to them again?

 

Maybe there is no really valid reason. Maybe the guy is just a jerk.

 

Maybe he was looking for a hook up and the compliments were his way of greasing the wheels of progress, at least in his mind.

 

When, he realized she was actually looking for a real relationship rather than a hook up, he got scared and ran off.

 

The think is that this guy did her a huge favor by showing his true colors early.

 

The universe blessed her and saved her from a jerk.

[carhill]

The OP didn't relate ages but, IME, since I dated quite late into life, and a bit while separated, the classic separation dating from long marrieds can mirror the 'testing' aspects, where people have been with one person for a long time and are testing our their marketability with other singles while they're still married but on the outs with their spouse or have actually separated. We often see advice on these forums to either never date separated people or to be very cautious about that so, separated people being people and understanding such perspectives, they can 'omit' things like they're separated to, well, smooth the dating process to get the results they're looking for, either some lovin or validation or refreshing their dating and mating skills or whatever and, once completed, or if the milieu with their spouse intrudes, bzzt end of interaction and without warning, like they never existed.

[Jabron1]

My friend told me this story- she went out with a guy she met online.

 

There's your problem.

 

A little politically incorrect primer on online dating:

 

The women can attract men that are out of their league - but these guys are using them as a 'pump and dump'. The guys struggle to attract women that are in their league, because those women are out with the guys out of their league who are just using them.

 

It's a mug's game. Expect a lot of nonsense.

[stillafool]

Hmm...from the story it seemed like he was really interested in a relationship. He asked her out on a second date in the middle of dinner. It's just the most weird story. Both she and I are used to having plenty of bad first dates that you know went badly, but this was one of those rare times that both people say they feel chemistry (unless he was faking it or lying about it) and then he completely disappears. She's pretty bummed about it, I feel bad for her. I thought maybe someone here could point out something I wasn't thinking of...him not being single is a possibility.

 

Maybe he did feel chemistry (was horny) in the moment but after the date he cooled off and is pursuing others. It happens, lucky for your friend it was only one date.

[SwordofFlame]

Hmm...from the story it seemed like he was really interested in a relationship. He asked her out on a second date in the middle of dinner. It's just the most weird story. Both she and I are used to having plenty of bad first dates that you know went badly, but this was one of those rare times that both people say they feel chemistry (unless he was faking it or lying about it) and then he completely disappears. She's pretty bummed about it, I feel bad for her. I thought maybe someone here could point out something I wasn't thinking of...him not being single is a possibility.

 

Actions speak louder than words. Guys will say anything that they think will help get them laid.

Edited April 29, 2016 by SwordofFlame

[losangelena]

There's your problem.

 

A little politically incorrect primer on online dating:

 

The women can attract men that are out of their league - but these guys are using them as a 'pump and dump'. The guys struggle to attract women that are in their league, because those women are out with the guys out of their league who are just using them.

 

It's a mug's game. Expect a lot of nonsense.

 

Ehn, I've seen this same behavior from men who women meet "organically" as well. It's not like the men in the OLD pool are different from the men walking around IRL—they're the same men.

[Jabron1]

Ehn, I've seen this same behavior from men who women meet "organically" as well. It's not like the men in the OLD pool are different from the men walking around IRL—they're the same men.

 

People adapt to their environment.

 

In my time online, 90% of the women that are of my normal standards wouldn't give me the time of day. Yet, women below that were opening me.

 

The message was loud and clear: guys date down online.

 

Why would a guy date down, LA?

[AMJ]

There's your problem.

 

A little politically incorrect primer on online dating:

 

The women can attract men that are out of their league - but these guys are using them as a 'pump and dump'. The guys struggle to attract women that are in their league, because those women are out with the guys out of their league who are just using them.

 

It's a mug's game. Expect a lot of nonsense.

 

She showed me photos, and no way is he out of her league. She's definitely more attractive than him.

 

Ages- she's 32, he's 37 or 38 I think.

 

She was really hard on herself about making out with him, like maybe it was a turn off. But sounds like no one here agrees with that, sounds like the consensus is he was just trying to get laid.

 

I still am surprised to learn how hard men will work for sex sometimes. He drove an hour each way and bought an expensive dinner. And she really liked him...if he just kept seeing her a few more times I'm sure they probably would start sleeping together. I guess he doesn't want to wait that long.

[losangelena]

People adapt to their environment.

 

In my time online, 90% of the women that are of my normal standards wouldn't give me the time of day. Yet, women below that were opening me.

 

The message was loud and clear: guys date down online.

 

Why would a guy date down, LA?

 

 

Hur-dur, I know why.

 

My point is, men don't need to just do that online. They do it IRL, too.

[losangelena]

She showed me photos, and no way is he out of her league. She's definitely more attractive than him.

 

Ages- she's 32, he's 37 or 38 I think.

 

She was really hard on herself about making out with him, like maybe it was a turn off. But sounds like no one here agrees with that, sounds like the consensus is he was just trying to get laid.

 

I still am surprised to learn how hard men will work for sex sometimes. He drove an hour each way and bought an expensive dinner. And she really liked him...if he just kept seeing her a few more times I'm sure they probably would start sleeping together. I guess he doesn't want to wait that long.

 

I don't find it that surprising. If money's no big thing to a man, it's just another tool in his "getting laid" toolbox. And words are cheap, we all know that.

 

Either way—if he just wanted to get laid, or if he was the kind of guy who'd judge a woman for making out with him on the first date (I've had a couple of those)—he's not worth her time.

[salparadise]

There's your problem.

 

A little politically incorrect primer on online dating:

 

The women can attract men that are out of their league - but these guys are using them as a 'pump and dump'. The guys struggle to attract women that are in their league, because those women are out with the guys out of their league who are just using them.

 

It's a mug's game. Expect a lot of nonsense.

 

 

Women aren't as good at taking rejection because they don't get nearly as much practice as men.

[Jabron1]

She showed me photos, and no way is he out of her league. She's definitely more attractive than him.

 

 

There goes that theory. But, that makes this more incomprehensible.

 

I still am surprised to learn how hard men will work for sex sometimes.

 

You have no idea.

 

Guys are willing to blow themselves up for 100 virgins in heaven, etc.

 

I guess he doesn't want to wait that long.

 

That's really all one can put it down to, ultimately.

 

I don't like the 'waiting' game, but if a guy isn't willing to wait until date 2 or 3, then she just filtered out an idiot.

[SwordofFlame]

She showed me photos, and no way is he out of her league. She's definitely more attractive than him.

 

Ages- she's 32, he's 37 or 38 I think.

 

She was really hard on herself about making out with him, like maybe it was a turn off. But sounds like no one here agrees with that, sounds like the consensus is he was just trying to get laid.

 

I still am surprised to learn how hard men will work for sex sometimes. He drove an hour each way and bought an expensive dinner. And she really liked him...if he just kept seeing her a few more times I'm sure they probably would start sleeping together. I guess he doesn't want to wait that long.

 

It's a matter of perspective. Do women that objectively are less attractive than the men they date online actually know that?

[jen1447]

She was really hard on herself about making out with him, like maybe it was a turn off. But sounds like no one here agrees with that, sounds like the consensus is he was just trying to get laid.

 

We all have that guy or girl (or more than one) we're horrified to think we got physical with after some unflattering info came to light after the fact, so she shouldn't feel too bad about that. Tell her it's just a dating battle scar and she should be proud she's fighting the battle.

[Eternal Sunshine]

There's your problem.

 

A little politically incorrect primer on online dating:

 

The women can attract men that are out of their league - but these guys are using them as a 'pump and dump'. The guys struggle to attract women that are in their league, because those women are out with the guys out of their league who are just using them.

 

It's a mug's game. Expect a lot of nonsense.

 

This is the biggest myth I have ever heard. I have done OLD on and off for a few years and been on 100 or so first dates so I have a decent sample size. I keep meeting loserly men who for the most don't even have a full time job, average looks and no depth. I have struggled to find someone decent enough for even a few months relationship let alone longer. I have also never been pumped and dumped.

 

Yeah, there are a lot of men on there but it's quantity without quality. I have always met more attractive and successful men in real life but at my age it's like one in every 2 years. Unfortunately guys that do OLD in my area are bottom of the barrel in every way

[SwordofFlame]

This is the biggest myth I have ever heard. I have done OLD on and off for a few years and been on 100 or so first dates so I have a decent sample size. I keep meeting loserly men who for the most don't even have a full time job, average looks and no depth. I have struggled to find someone decent enough for even a few months relationship let alone longer. I have also never been pumped and dumped.

 

Yeah, there are a lot of men on there but it's quantity without quality. I have always met more attractive and successful men in real life but at my age it's like one in every 2 years. Unfortunately guys that do OLD in my area are bottom of the barrel in every way

 

I suspect age range plays a big role in this. Men and women looking for each other in their 20s will favor women, however that starts to reverse as they get older.

[AMJ]

It's a matter of perspective. Do women that objectively are less attractive than the men they date online actually know that?

 

So you're saying, he could very well think he was more attractive than she was?

If we all have over inflated egos or whatever? Hmmm. I didn't meet the guy so I don't really know. She described him as pretty down to earth and said he seemed concerned about winning her over, mostly.

 

She said when they were in her car he straight up asked for a BJ...I'm not really sure what to make of that. The only other interesting detail is that he mentioned his dad was a pro football player and she thought that was really cool, and then he said something like "Oh I hope that's not the only reason you like me". But she says- why tell me that if it's going to be an issue?

[carhill]

Ha, ha, that kind of style is practiced. It doesn't just happen. I'm inclined to opine plate spinner. Just a hunch but the age and style is right. Scary version? Plate spinner who's married and, well, funding the dinners from the marital bank account. Bizarre? Yeah, maybe but I've seen a lot.