simplicity1 Posted April 28, 2016 Posted April 28, 2016 I met a guy 3.5 months ago and we very quickly fell for each other. He is extremely adventurous and VERY reliable. He has treated me very well. We are VERY sexually compatible. We have fun together and share a few common hobbies and read interesting books together. We can have good conversations together (though only on certain topics), and he is very intelligent. But lately I have been having doubts about our compatibility, and I'm entering in that state of mind where everything he does/says annoys me. For one thing, I use philosophical discussion as a way to connect with people, and he really isn't engaged in those sorts of debates in the way I am. I think the lack-of-philosophy thing is starting to really make it hard for me to enter into a next level of connection. Also he is an extreme planner in life, whereas I prefer thrill and spontaneity. Also in conversation he sometimes provides excessive detail about trivial things, and he really lacks a sense of humor/sarcasm, so sometimes I find myself zoning out during his playback of his days. He also has this hunky dory, golly gee everything is wonderful affect, which can be annoying to me especially during times when I am at all stressed about work. I feel awkward even casually cursing around him. So, how do I proceed? I am worried that in the last few days I have become more stiff and cold to him. The more these sorts of thoughts penetrate my mind, the more that my sexual desire for him, and desire to spend time with him, dissipates as well. Or is this just a phase? Are there specific things I can do to get through this? Should I talk to him? But I feel like it's unfair to talk to him because I certainly wouldn't ever want him to change his personality on my behalf. sigh. I was really excited to have him enter my life and I really want this to last a while. I want the excitement to continue. Thanks for any advice.
stillafool Posted April 28, 2016 Posted April 28, 2016 It sounds like you are just not compatible. There's nothing wrong with the way either of you are you just aren't for each other. I'm sure in alot of ways he feels the same as you. It's a good thing that you are finding out now instead of much later when it would be hard to break it off. 2
Larryville Posted April 28, 2016 Posted April 28, 2016 I met a guy 3.5 months ago and we very quickly fell for each other. Never fails... he really lacks a sense of humor/sarcasm, my sexual desire for him, and desire to spend time with him, dissipates I have become more stiff and cold to him. Not a phase… End it NOW – Time is a terrible thing to waste. 3
Gaeta Posted April 28, 2016 Posted April 28, 2016 That is why the 3 month mark in dating is so important. It takes about 3 months to start seeing the real person we are dating. After 3 months we let our guards down and let our true self appear. You and him felt hard, it was infatuation. Now that you get to see who's that sexy dude for real, he is not THAT interesting as a person. You can try to spend a week apart and see if you miss him or if you are relieved he's not around. That will give you an answer. 2
Author simplicity1 Posted April 28, 2016 Author Posted April 28, 2016 Yea I think a few days of distance could be useful. For whatever it's worth, these doubts have only really surfaced over the last week or so which is part of the reason I'm wondering if it's a phase, or if talking it out with him could prove useful. I went through another period of doubt about a month in, and subsequently become much more sure of things for a while. Talking it out with him at that point seemed fruitful.
SomethingToSay Posted April 29, 2016 Posted April 29, 2016 The only thing of the annoyances you memtion that is significant is the lack of humor. If thats legit true then Id say incompatable. But the rest just sound like over-criticisms or you being grumpy and unhappy for other reasons and just blamimg it on him Really hard to say and only you can make the choice. Either way tho -- if its truly him then you should end it. If its somethimg inside you probably should still end it and fix that issue
OnlyHonesty Posted April 29, 2016 Posted April 29, 2016 Sounds to me that you are just trying to find fault but I also wonder if this is a common pattern with you. Have you had a lot of relationships or casual flings?
len51 Posted April 29, 2016 Posted April 29, 2016 This is why people date before they get married. I will not tell you what to do, although I suspect you know. What I will advise you of is that people do not change. What you see and feel now is what you will get if you marry him. You have to decide if you want to waste time on someone who will not make you happy for the rest of your life or move on to someone more compatible with you. Too many women marry the wrong guy thinking that they can change them. The way you feel is what happens to many marriages after a few years. All the little things start to annoy you and hence the cheating and high divorce rate. I am not philosophical although I am pretty intelligent and I know that love is a chemical reaction in our brains that make us overlook the faults of the one we love. Sounds like those love chemicals are already starting to fade. Make note that sex produces Oxytocin, a hormone designed to emotionally bond the couple. You seem to be a victim of Oxytocin but lack the love that goes with it to make for a good relationship. I rarely settle for things in life. Life is too short in relation to eternity. A relationship or marriage is settling since no mate can fulfill all of your needs. The best you can do is marry someone who fulfills your important needs and makes you happy. Don't waste your precious time on someone who doesn't do this for you. Be greedy and want more than you are handed.
SammySammy Posted April 29, 2016 Posted April 29, 2016 Could this be a case of unrealistic expectations? Expecting him to communicate the way she wants. Wanting the "excitement" to continue. It seems like any relationship with those expectations would fail. Not just this one. We can say this is a compatibility issue, but I wonder if OP is ready to have a relationship with anyone.
Author simplicity1 Posted April 29, 2016 Author Posted April 29, 2016 thank you for the advice. It all comes across to me as a somewhat harsh..I thought that at least a subset of posters would comment on the fact that it could be normal to have a short period of doubt at the ~3 month phase, a time where the relationship often enters into a new level. As recently as 1 week ago I was feeling good/excited about things. In any case, I will talk to him about my feelings, and I will try to return to this thread in another couple months to give an update so that readers experiencing similar things might benefit. Thanks again
Larryville Posted April 29, 2016 Posted April 29, 2016 thank you for the advice. It all comes across to me as a somewhat harsh..I thought that at least a subset of posters would comment on the fact that it could be normal to have a short period of doubt at the ~3 month phase, a time where the relationship often enters into a new level. You stated: He is extremely adventurous and VERY reliable. He has treated me very well. We are VERY sexually compatible. We have fun together and share a few common hobbies and read interesting books together. We can have good conversations together (though only on certain topics), and he is very intelligent. But! lately I have been having doubts about our compatibility He also has this hunky dory, golly gee everything is wonderful affect, which can be annoying to me especially during times when I am at all stressed about work. Oh and not sexually attracted anymore too... S1: Not meant to be “harsh” I don’t know about others who post here, yes I find the site interesting and a fascinating read. A good chunk of stuff on here I seriously wonder if the people who post are legit, some “issues” people post about here are just seriously stupid frankly. I do genuinely want people to find “the one” Hell I’m still looking for “the one” reading about others issues is helpful and posting is a little cathartic. As for you… and I keep repeating myself… the vast majority of situations like yours is just plain common sense. People meet, and depending on your status at the time of the meet people throw themselves into a “relationship” they don’t truly talk, they don’t do the proper vetting to actually understand the person they are with, they clearly don’t ask the right questions, they rush into sex… THEN 3.5 months in the all of a sudden wonder WTF happened? In many of these cases let’s say you had not dated in months… or years then BANG you find who you believe is the right guy or gal and you get positive attention, maybe your first good sex in several months and all of a sudden this guy or gal is the most amazing person they have ever known…. No they are not, you are just hungry, starved for human contact. Like a starving child alone in the middle of the wilderness the first contact that child makes would be amazing, whatever old crumbs that are available are a gourmet meal. Also after these AMAZING encounters, all is perfect… until… then the threads come, like clockwork. Why did he or she ghost me? Why am I getting fewer and fewer texts? Why don’t they put freaking kisses at the end of their texts? The sex is getting less and less… all happens because you did not do the work or make the true effort in the beginning. S1, the things that annoy you at 3.5 should have been obvious to you from freaking day one, you chose to ignore it or thought it was cute. We all do it from time to time because maybe we get desperate and some unfortunately settle…. And when you do that you end up enduring YEARS of frustration instead of a few months. This thread is a dime a dozen, another one will be created today by someone in the exact same predicament, wondering what went wrong. What is obvious to me here is people are clearly not reading the past stories of woe. Instead of learning from the library of knowledge and advice here they do as I now keep saying “recycling misery” If you want people to tell you ONLY what you want to hear, well there is no real value in that is it? The thing is we just hear your side, if you are not feeling it with this dude then don't waste his time. Either communicate like you did here or jump ship before it gets too far off shore. Good Luck
Author simplicity1 Posted July 30, 2016 Author Posted July 30, 2016 thank you for the advice. It all comes across to me as a somewhat harsh..I thought that at least a subset of posters would comment on the fact that it could be normal to have a short period of doubt at the ~3 month phase, a time where the relationship often enters into a new level. As recently as 1 week ago I was feeling good/excited about things. In any case, I will talk to him about my feelings, and I will try to return to this thread in another couple months to give an update so that readers experiencing similar things might benefit. Thanks again I made a note to myself to return to this thread so that any future readers with similar issues might benefit from knowing the outcome. And the outcome is fantastic!! We fully talked through all of my concerns a few months back, both the superficial ones and the slightly worrisome ones like him being further along emotionally than me. The grace and care with which he handled that conversation in itself drew me to him. The biggest realization from that conversation is that he observed that we'd slipped into a routine that month of not really doing activities or going on dates so much as just chats before bed and crashing at each others places (I hadn't fully noticed this until he proposed it as the source of my concerns, but he was right!!) So in the weeks after that conversation we made more effort to really go out and do stuff together. I've grown more comfortable and open with him and we're fullblown honeymooning at this point. So, to anyone reading this with similar concerns a few months into a relationship, TALK TO THEM!! SERIOUSLY! It will establish more comfort and openness in your communication, and their perspective on the situation may be helpful to you. It is normal to have some doubts surface as you're getting more serious with a person! And if you don't think you can talk to them about your concerns for some reason, well, that alone might be suggestive of needing to end things. 1
mammax3 Posted July 30, 2016 Posted July 30, 2016 Thanks for the update, Simplicity1. I often get worrisome thoughts about my new relationship and the guy, but it stems from fear of the unknown. Instead of saying I'm afraid because I don't know what will happen next, I say "ugh, I don't think I'm compatible with him because he's XYZ and I'm ABC" whereas really, we're fine. It's just that I am out in unknown waters and it's easier to be alone and in my comfort zone, than in a relationship sometimes. It's important to keep our eyes open to red flags, but also keep them open to the way history is trying to paint flags where there are none.
biker23 Posted July 30, 2016 Posted July 30, 2016 Great update! I have ex that explained to me that she has a pattern of 4-6 wks into a relationship she freaks out and has anxiety about the guy and starts 2nd guessing everything. All aspects of compatibility. In most cases she ends up as friends because she asks for 'space' to figure stuff out and never gets over the hump like you have...but I doubt she talks about it. Or she finds an excuse and uses that as reason for the breakup. Shes divorced now but claims she did it with her ex-husband 10 years ago but they were living together which drove them to work it out and she got over the hump. Very interesting thread, thx.
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