Did I get fooled into dating someone who wasn't real?

[Cori]

So I am new here. I have never done this before but I am so desperate for some unbiased insight. It's going to be long but please read. I have never dealt with something like this.

I dated a man off and on for over a year. We were off because he would freak out about something and leave. It was always blind siding to me. Sometimes he wouldn't tell me what I did for days or even a week and when I'd find out, it'd be something really silly that could had been solved with an easy discussion. We'd discuss it, build trust, and eventually get back together. You might think I'm crazy to deal with such bad communication problems from someone.

I think it's crazy too.

But I have never loved someone like I loved him. He was absolutely my best friend.

We got back together in August 2015 and he promised he wouldn't leave again. We spent every day together and pretty much lived together. He said he'd work on us and we'd be together. And he stayed through all the bad and we always made up, talked it out, and continued being in love. March rolled around and we both had too much going on. At a time we both were working two jobs, I was so overwhelmed with stress that I'd cry in my car. We started fighting. Over dumb stuff. But the fights were more frequent.

We went on a trip to napa the Saturday before we broke up. He fought with me about something incredibly irrational and started to drive me home. I begged him not to drive me home from our trip, crying and sobbing. I finally told him if he drove me home I'd break up with him. He turned around and we ignored each other pretty much the whole trip, but we were with other friends on this trip. I just didn't want him to miss out. There was a friend of his going he didn't get to see a lot and I didn't want there to be any blame on me for him missing out on seeing this friend.

It wasn't until later that night that we fought through all of it. He said I was disrespectful and selfish. He said sometimes I could be so ignorent. I said a few means things but I mostly just cried. I was so over the fight. I kept apologizing sincerely because I could tell I hurt him. Eventually he started crying, he told me I was a good person and he was so sorry. He said we'd been through so much there was nothing we couldn't handle.

We drove home. Things were ok, Sunday he wasn't being very nice and I wss cranky. I told him he was acting like a jerk to me. But we never discussed it we just sort of moved on. Monday came and he left my house early. He was texting me saying he was trying to get some stuff done so he could come and see me. He sent me a huge message saying that he was so sorry for how much we had been fighting and that he loved me. He said he didn't feel good and was having an awful day. I went to target and tried to find a board game he's wanted so badly, I got stuff for a wonderful date, I planned on making sure his day was turned around. I was sorry for the fighting too. I called him and said I really want to connect with him tonight. I want to have a great night etc.

he showed up at my house crying that night and said we needed to break up. He insisted he still loved me. He cried and said we just weren't meant to be. That he couldn't do this anymore. We were fighting too much. I told him I thought he was the one. He said he thought I was the one. And he left.

He sent me a message saying I was the fighter and he was a quitter and he was sorry. And that was it. He was gone. He refused to speak to me past that message. I showed up at his house and he looked awful. He said he couldn't eat or sleep. I said I just want to support and love you. I just want to be there for you and I am so proud of you.

He said he needed space and told me to leave.

I left. And he called me the next day, I picked up and he said never mind and hung up. I sent him a message and it said I am here to support you have a great day. We talked for about two minutes about how we both were going to the gym. I got invited to go out with friends and he happened to be going. One of our mutual friends texted me and asked me not to go because my ex was too uncomfortable. I was really upset but I stayed home. I sent my ex the night they went out a nice message telling him to eat up before his night of drinking and no response. Two days later I sent him something about an inside joke we had. No response. Two days later I called him and left a message saying that i know he didn't have insurance and he could use mine to go to therapy. He replied and said he'd like to talk to me this week. I said I didn't know if I was ready and I'd like him to go to the therapy session first. He insisted on talking. He said he'd go to the therapy session first. I called him again that night and talked to him. I apologized sincerely for Napa and he was cold. I could tell his voice was shakey but all he said was he had to go. The next day I drove down to meet him for therapy. He got there before me and was already inside. I waited the whole time and when he came out he had been crying. He looked at me and said he wasn't ready to talk and left.

I called him and said I would never talk to him again if he just let me say my piece, I would leave him alone forever. He replied by text saying please give him space. I argued with him for a minute and realized it wouldn't do any good. I stopped replying. The next day I sent him a message saying take all the time you need.

He replied almost instantly saying he wanted to talk and he felt ready.

He called me twice.

I was so drained I sent him a message explaining I didn't know if I could because of yesterday draining me. He was nice and said take the time you need. We decided on the next day to talk. In the mean time I invited him out with our mutual friends. I told him I wouldn't talk to him if that's what he wanted and we could just relax and have fun. He got upset and told me I've been trying to talk to him all this time and now all I want to do is hangout with our friends. I apologized and said it wouldn't happen again. He sent me a final message saying not to talk to him for two months. That he hadn't changed his mind, he couldn't do this anymore. He said this wasn't goodbye forever unless I chose it to be, this is goodbye for now.

I sent him a couple of message over the last month even after he asked me not to.

One was a message saying I'm really sorry he felt he couldn't talk to me. That I'm ok with the breakup and that I has just wished he had told me what happened so I could learn from my mistakes. No reply.

I sent him a message a week later on Facebook saying that I really needed his friendship right now. If he ever loved me that I really needed him to forget the relationship and be my friend cause I was dying. ( I had just gotten out of the hospital for a medical issue and my friend had showed up and said some really unsupportive things. ) He read it and blocked me. A week later I sent him an email explaining how the friends of ours have been saying some untrue things to me and I just wanted to come to the source. I explained I'd love to get coffee and that I'd moved on with my life and I was just trying to be an adult. We have mutual friends and I explained I just didn't want things to be awkward and I eventually wanted a friendship.

No reply.

I've stopped.

I've blocked him on all social media and on my phone.

I don't think he will contact me but I really don't understand .

I haven't said anything mean about him or to him. We were absolutely best friends.

How can someone just cut you out without a second thought.

He said the day we broke up that he had decided that day. So an impulsive breakup. But yet he's being so mean and cold and ignoring me. I thought he cared more. Did I fall for someone who used me and was fake ? Was this person really who I thought? I know I can't get much help from people who don't know him or what he's going through but I just need some insight. I'm so desperate for answers on how someone could just stop loving you. I feel broken.

I'm seeing someone else who I really like and it's making me put up a wall to him. I just want to be able to heal.

[Satu]

He sounds a bit unstable emotionally.

 

As regards arguments...

 

When arguments are frequent, prolonged, and result in a breakups, the relationship isn't working on a very fundamental level.

 

If you can't get along harmoniously, what's the point?

 

What did you argue about?

[Zahara]

I see you bending over backwards trying to accommodate his push and pull behavior. The thing is -- this man has shown you who he really is from the time you started dating him. On and off for over a year. If he was never able to commit to you in such a long period of time, did you actually think that one day he would suddenly turn and give you the stable and secure relationship you needed? In addition to commitment issues -- arguments and emotional highs and lows -- there was really no foundation for this to work.

 

He's doing you a favor by blocking you out. It was something you couldn't do for yourself. He accepts his pattern and knows that he cannot give you what you desire -- hence his need to cut you off. He isn't you best friend. You both had a relationship and you can't have a platonic dynamic when there is still hurt and pain. He's doing the right thing by going NC with you, eventhough you feel it's cruel. Anymore talking is just going to cause more drama. I can't tell you if he was real or fake, but him not being able to commit to you should have been your sign of his level of investment.

 

I think you should grieve and heal from this rather than jumping on to another guy. Resolve this first in your heart and mind before you move on to someone else.

[Cori]

He sounds a bit unstable emotionally.

 

As regards arguments...

 

When arguments are frequent, prolonged, and result in a breakups, the relationship isn't working on a very fundamental level.

 

If you can't get along harmoniously, what's the point?

 

What did you argue about?

 

 

We argued the napa night because I had invited a family friend who i hadnt seen for 10 years to come out with us. He thought this was disrespectful and that the guy liked me. No matter how many times I explained he is like family and that I had only talked to him maybe twice.

 

I had said that I thought that texting someone who likes you and is single and doesnt know you are taken is disrespectful. And he said this was similar. Even though I never talk to the guy, only twice to see if he was coming to my birthday, and he is considered like a cousin to me, AND he knew I was dating my now ex.

 

Yes very unstable.

I know it's best to move on.

Just feels like he was just fake the whole relationship.

[Cori]

I see you bending over backwards trying to accommodate his push and pull behavior. The thing is -- this man has shown you who he really is from the time you started dating him. On and off for over a year. If he was never able to commit to you in such a long period of time, did you actually think that one day he would suddenly turn and give you the stable and secure relationship you needed? In addition to commitment issues -- arguments and emotional highs and lows -- there was really no foundation for this to work.

 

He's doing you a favor by blocking you out. It was something you couldn't do for yourself. He accepts his pattern and knows that he cannot give you what you desire -- hence his need to cut you off. He isn't you best friend. You both had a relationship and you can't have a platonic dynamic when there is still hurt and pain. He's doing the right thing by going NC with you, eventhough you feel it's cruel. Anymore talking is just going to cause more drama. I can't tell you if he was real or fake, but him not being able to commit to you should have been your sign of his level of investment.

 

I think you should grieve and heal from this rather than jumping on to another guy. Resolve this first in your heart and mind before you move on to someone else.

 

Thank you for your response. You are right.

 

I am so upset I guess because when things have ended before and I had started not contacting him and he would try to contact me. I would have a boundary and he'd constantly cross it and try to talk and hangout.

 

I feel I am trying my best to be respectful yet I am being treated like I never mattered. And like what I'm doing is so crazy to him even though I havn't been doing anything as bad as what he did when I would ignore him.

 

He even called and threatened me with suicide once and I came over immediately to be thrown out of his house for "not getting there fast enough".

 

I am trying to be so adult about this and yes I need to completely cut him out, but we had mutual friends. I have taken myself out of my friend group since he is so uncomfortable with me. I feel like I have lost someone I truly cared about and now I have lost a large portion of my friends.

 

I just feel like an idiot. I really thought this person cared but they faked it the whole time. Is that normal to feel that way?

[Zahara]

I am so upset I guess because when things have ended before and I had started not contacting him and he would try to contact me. I would have a boundary and he'd constantly cross it and try to talk and hangout.

 

A boundary is your responsibility to enforce. If you allowed him time and time again to break it, then you were teaching him that it was acceptable to keep "rubberbanding" and I'm sure when he needed you for whatever, he knew that he could break that boundary with you. This is not his fault -- you taught him what was acceptable behavior and what you would tolerate.

 

I feel I am trying my best to be respectful yet I am being treated like I never mattered. And like what I'm doing is so crazy to him even though I havn't been doing anything as bad as what he did when I would ignore him.

 

Being respectful is accepting that this is his choice and that it is the best thing to do for both of you at this point. Feeling like you mattered should have come into play for the more than one year he was yo-yoing with you. This is his way to sever the cord with you that is causing you both pain.

 

He even called and threatened me with suicide once and I came over immediately to be thrown out of his house for "not getting there fast enough".

 

See the craziness? And you're expecting some kind of rational response from him right now?

 

I am trying to be so adult about this and yes I need to completely cut him out, but we had mutual friends. I have taken myself out of my friend group since he is so uncomfortable with me. I feel like I have lost someone I truly cared about and now I have lost a large portion of my friends. I just feel like an idiot. I really thought this person cared but they faked it the whole time. Is that normal to feel that way?

 

Yes, it is normal to feel this way. You attached to him emotionally and you had expectations. I don't believe he faked it but through his own dysfunction was only able to manage a relationship the best way he knew how.

[Cori]

A boundary is your responsibility to enforce. If you allowed him time and time again to break it, then you were teaching him that it was acceptable to keep "rubberbanding" and I'm sure when he needed you for whatever, he knew that he could break that boundary with you. This is not his fault -- you taught him what was acceptable behavior and what you would tolerate.

 

 

 

Being respectful is accepting that this is his choice and that it is the best thing to do for both of you at this point. Feeling like you mattered should have come into play for the more than one year he was yo-yoing with you. This is his way to sever the cord with you that is causing you both pain.

 

 

See the craziness? And you're expecting some kind of rational response from him right now?

 

 

 

Yes, it is normal to feel this way. You attached to him emotionally and you had expectations. I don't believe he faked it but through his own dysfunction was only able to manage a relationship the best way he knew how.

 

Thank you. I know you are so right

Pain makes even the most sane people irrational

I really have been working on just growing

I know I have changed so much and grown so much over the last month

I am excited to start a new life I just am having trouble of letting go how someone could love you then never speak to you again.

I know this relationship was toxic

It's best to move on.

It's just hard to continue loving yourself when you feel so used and worthless.

I really do just wish him the best

It's hard to let go of the anger I have towards him.

I just wanted some outside insight and I appreciate the response

It's helped me to know I need to just continue keeping him blocked

I think part of it is I think/know he is bipolar or has some sort of mental illness and it's hard for me to know if it's the illness or he really just doesn't want me

Either way it's not my issue anymore and not my problem.:/ I just wanted to support him and be there.

[Zahara]

You need to stop attaching your self-worth and value to his treatment of you. His dysfunction does not define who you are, but just a reflection of who he is as a person. This is the most important time to be gentle and kind to yourself. Regardless of whether it's illness or not, it was unhealthy for you. He's wired this way and no amount of analysing is going to change that. If anything, I wouldn't be surprised that if he ever dated again, the pattern would repeat.

 

If you're leaving a relationship feeling used and worthless, trust that it was the right thing to do and spending anymore investment in the long run would have been very detrimental to you. A blessing, but you can't see it right now. If he didn't cut you off, you'd still be on this emotional rollercoaster going nowhere.

 

You did what you could for him. Now it's time to look inward and start focusing on yourself. Time to grieve, heal and move on. It's going to hurt and you'll still be battling thoughts in your head for awhile. Post here, lean on your family and friends that can support you.

[Cori]

You need to stop attaching your self-worth and value to his treatment of you. His dysfunction does not define who you are, but just a reflection of who he is as a person. This is the most important time to be gentle and kind to yourself. Regardless of whether it's illness or not, it was unhealthy for you. He's wired this way and no amount of analysing is going to change that. If anything, I wouldn't be surprised that if he ever dated again, the pattern would repeat.

 

If you're leaving a relationship feeling used and worthless, trust that it was the right thing to do and spending anymore investment in the long run would have been very detrimental to you. A blessing, but you can't see it right now. If he didn't cut you off, you'd still be on this emotional rollercoaster going nowhere.

 

You did what you could for him. Now it's time to look inward and start focusing on yourself. Time to grieve, heal and move on. It's going to hurt and you'll still be battling thoughts in your head for awhile. Post here, lean on your family and friends that can support you.

 

Thank you this has really really helped. I will keep him blocked. Although we had amazing memories, he is unhealthy for me.

You are right. I know he is not saying true things to our friends but the truth will come out and toxic people can only hide their true selves for so long.

Thank you I am really taking steps to have a better mentality and mindset.

I think I am slightly codependent and insecure about what people think about me.

You are so right that you can not give other people your power. Letting someone else ruin my day is completely up to me.

I will really take your words and put them into practice.