celtic Posted June 20, 2005 Posted June 20, 2005 I need some advise if you dont mind. I am currently dating someone I have been dating for 2 1/2 years now. In terms of personalities, we are very similar. We generally get along well and enjoy alot of the same things. My only vice with her is that sometimes she is lazy. She tends to leave alot of cleaning and daily chores to me. I have talked with her about it several times and she has gotten better over time. However, as an example, I have two dogs (not hers), and they of course need to be taken out every day - morning and night. Typically, she will not do this or think to help. I end up taking the dogs out every day - morning and night. I have talked to her about this as well and she doesnt have much interest. I guess it bothers me so much because when you are in a relationship, you are suppose to help the other person and help with day to day things. Now I know the dogs arent hers and she is not a huge fan or the dogs - although she doesnt mind them. I need an objective opinion because being on the inside looking out I dont know if I am over analyzing this issue or if it is a sign of her overall personality. I dont want to end up marrying this woman and thinking I made a mistake down the road. I can really use some advise.. Celtic
ollydolly Posted June 20, 2005 Posted June 20, 2005 The best relationships operate on a principle of whatever you value, you take care of. They are your dogs, your value not hers. You are expecting her to "help" you take care of something she did not choose to have in her life. If I was her, I would think twice about marrying somebody who would put his responsibilities onto me! That sounds lazy on your part.
Author celtic Posted June 20, 2005 Author Posted June 20, 2005 I appreciate the honest insight. I never thought of it as me burdening her with the responsibility. Thank you!
Author celtic Posted June 20, 2005 Author Posted June 20, 2005 But let me ask you a question. Dont you see it the other way? When you go into a relationship knowing there are things that you are going to need to deal with up front, you deal with them? For example, if I was going to date a woman with kids, I would assume that part of the relationship is going to be helping with the kids - its assumed although they arent your kids.
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 20, 2005 Posted June 20, 2005 You mentioned marriage - does your girlfriend know that you are considering marriage? Maybe its time to sit down and re-evaluate your relationship together. Let her know what you need and expect, and then listen to what she needs and expects - this isn't a time for arguing - its a time to say what you really feel to each other, and a time to be willing to listen, even when its something you may not want to hear. Avoiding 'hurt feelings' by hiding your honest feelings about something from your future spouse is what sends people to marriage counseling after apocalyptic marriage fallout. Be honest with each other about what your dealbreakers are in terms of marriage: including the treatment of your dogs. Talk about what compromises, if any will work. The types of questions and answers you may have for each other are the types of cards that need to be put on the table before you marry. If it turns out that you both lay your cards down, don't like what the other person has shown you and you know there can be no compromise - then at least you'll know sooner rather than later that a future isn't possible with that person.
ReluctantRomeo Posted June 20, 2005 Posted June 20, 2005 Originally posted by celtic For example, if I was going to date a woman with kids, I would assume that part of the relationship is going to be helping with the kids - its assumed although they arent your kids. Dogs aren't kids though. No matter how much we animal-lovers like to think so I agree with Ollydolly - your dogs, your responsibility. Different if for some reason you can't do it (you're away for work or sick). But otherwise, 100% down to you. And yes, I'd think you were being lazy if I were her too.
moimeme Posted June 20, 2005 Posted June 20, 2005 You want the dogs, you take care of the dogs. She likely didn't have dogs of her own for a reason and it is unreasonable of you to expect her to want to take care of them. She sounds like she puts up with them for your sake. If you don't want to walk your own dogs, hire a dog-sitter.
ollydolly Posted June 21, 2005 Posted June 21, 2005 For example, if I was going to date a woman with kids, I would assume that part of the relationship is going to be helping with the kids - its assumed although they arent your kids. I think that assumption is one of the reasons that blended families run into so much trouble. I look at the sharing of responsibilities in a relationship as more of a trade. Just like in any other trade arrangement, if something is of value to you and you want someone else to "help" you with it, you offer something of equal value back. Simple negotiation.
XNemesisX Posted June 21, 2005 Posted June 21, 2005 They are your dogs...so they are your responsibility. Although, I don't see why she can't help you out sometimes. Now, if she is also lazy with regard to household chores that is a red flag. Maybe you need to talk to her more about this. Being a neat freak or being a slob is usually an unchangeable personality characteristic. I happen to be on the slob side...so don't expect her to change over night. Are you willing to deal with someone who is a bit of a slob/lazy? If not, reconsider! Lots of fights can start over these issues.
Jolene Posted June 21, 2005 Posted June 21, 2005 You may not be aware, but some people would have left you a long time ago merely for the fact that they don't want to take care of your animals. She is trying to compromise and love you fairly.
Author celtic Posted June 23, 2005 Author Posted June 23, 2005 Thank you all for the advise. It really put things into perspective for me!
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