Versacehottie Posted April 28, 2016 Posted April 28, 2016 That I kept pushing for her to be what I wanted, and I'm still not happy and had I realized that, I could have avoided breaking one more heart. Well, I guess from my first gf to my second, there was a 3 year gap. Primarily of which, I was single after perpetual rejection. A good friend of mine now (one of the rejectors then) said it was because I pursued to many girls (although perceived that way from her, I only pursued one at at a time until it was clear she friend zoned me) and that it was clear [to her] that I wasn't in a good place. (Drug use and drinking) I think I moved to grad school and started dating a girl that was a bad match because I thought I needed someone who was educated and motivated to get a phD who was 'innocent' as she was a top caste braman fresh from india who had never smoked pot. I thought to myself, I need a girl who smokes pot! That's two in a row who don't smoke and I also need a girl who wants to have sex and can be as social as I am (I got tired of having to constantly keep tabs on my indian gf because she would yell at me after parties for ignoring her)! So I went and found it. She ended up being angry and jealous of one of my girl friends whom I was never anything but friends with. She also took no interest in me (i.e. never once watched a single anime with me in 6 years, never learned a home state card game (euchre) to play with my family and I as my partner even though I tried 3 times to teach her, and she never played a single round of d&d with me despite me finding a game with actual girls) I said to myself, I need someone whose not angry and jealous who smokes pot and is social and likes the things that I like. My current gf was a swinger/poly. Jealousy doesn't even register on her radar (sorta, she's got a little there) who is submissive and passive. Never yells at me and is always trying to please me (and now only me). She smokes pot and is nerdy. So I thought I was moving in the right direction, but maybe I'm not looking deep enough. I wonder if you should concentrate less on common interests (pot, anime, euchre--what is that?!?!?!) and more on how someone makes you feel. Not the "rush" feelings, but the resonant ones. The ones that make you feel safe, loved, hopeful about future together and supported, where there is a mutual respect and laughter and a feeling that you truly, truly "get" one another. That might be a marriage material type girl for you and a marriage type mindset for you to be in rather than cycling thru these type of relationships you've had thus far. Ok, if you don't believe in marriage or it's not on your radar then a really truly long term thing, one that fulfills you. When you keep hitting these thresholds where you realize that you are unsatisfied, that indicates to me, that you probably long for that. 2
Gaeta Posted April 28, 2016 Posted April 28, 2016 First real gf was normal. Just at about month 9 she said "I love you" and I couldn't say it back. Broke up with her 2 weeks later. Second gf was an indian (forbidden love? disapproving parents, always a way out?) and I was unhappy with our non existent sex life at month 10 (and we didn't have sex until our 4th month) and I broke up with her 10 months later (I know, I wasn't a good person here) when I met my last gf. The last gf was a 6 year relationship. Three-four months were casual as she didn't want to get too involved with me. At month 2, I pushed for more, and she told me to be happy with what I get. I think I started shutting down with her there. We had our first fight on a trip to Colorado after a year, and she slowely started becoming angry and aggressive. She started punching me in fights and yelling became a norm. It took me a long time to get out of that relationship. She was loyal and beautiful. Hardworking and smart. Angry and aggressive. Fiery and passionate. I wanted to break up many times in that relationship. Kept trying to make it work but I couldn't never forgive her for fights. It led to resentment and me being single in Germany for 8 months as an alcoholic (like mother like son) before coming back and trying again with her. Only to have her start the same abusiveness. Only this time I noticed it for what it was and I broke up with her and met my current gf shortly after. During all of that time, I just kept thinking to myself I don't deserve this anger, but when I thought about leaving, I thought about all the ****tier women out there. The women that cheat, the women that are alcoholics. The women that have low labidos. The women who don't get my sense of humor. She had all those +s but it wasn't enough. IDK, I'm rambling now. I don't knwo if there is a pattern, but there were 3 girls back to back with little time inbetween except my 8 months in Germany where I drank myself to a stupor every weekend. Lets take your first relationship out of the equation. I imagine you were young, inexperienced, it was your first relationship and you were not ready to settle. She was not 'the one' and you broke up. That happens. All of your other relationships though are highly dysfunctional relationships and this from the very start. Those relationships last a few months and years because of your ability to put up with serious BS not because you are a commitment phobe. It's not like you are ending happy fulfilling relationships, that would fall in the category of commitment phobe. You end those relationships after you dragged them and endured them till they became unlivable. The answer is not what is happening at the end of those relationship but at the very beginning. Why do you start relationships with these women at all? Why do you endure so much? 1
preraph Posted April 28, 2016 Posted April 28, 2016 Sounds like you just like the chase. Then after that, like Groucho Marx, you wouldn't want to be a member of any club that would have you." Couples counseling might benefit the relationship if you think it's worth saving.
Author LoveRefreshed Posted April 28, 2016 Author Posted April 28, 2016 Lets take your first relationship out of the equation. I imagine you were young, inexperienced, it was your first relationship and you were not ready to settle. She was not 'the one' and you broke up. That happens. All of your other relationships though are highly dysfunctional relationships and this from the very start. Those relationships last a few months and years because of your ability to put up with serious BS not because you are a commitment phobe. It's not like you are ending happy fulfilling relationships, that would fall in the category of commitment phobe. You end those relationships after you dragged them and endured them till they became unlivable. The answer is not what is happening at the end of those relationship but at the very beginning. Why do you start relationships with these women at all? Why do you endure so much? Loneliness maybe. Maybe having tried to date girls in high school and three years of rejection has maybe made me feel like I should accept anyone who is willing to give me love? I think the reason I don't end things sooner is a fear of being wrong. A fear of missing what I had? Part of it is certainly because I haven't hated any of the women I left, so in part, I feel bad for breaking their hearts. In the end, I always tell myself it's fairer than wasting their time. I spent so much of my life alone, that I find it comforting and easy. I think I'm more afraid of being left than I am afraid of being alone. Sometimes I miss the easiness of it yet I never let myself be single in the last 8 years.
Author LoveRefreshed Posted April 28, 2016 Author Posted April 28, 2016 When you keep hitting these thresholds where you realize that you are unsatisfied, that indicates to me, that you probably long for that. Yeah, I'm looking for love and acceptance. A happiness and friendship. I sometimes get sad when I think about how I lost my 20s without having it. I see a lot of my friends married at age 30 having found their partner in their 20s. having had that joy of a fun and happy history that turned into a family. I want a family and a fun loving relationship. I want to be happy with my relationship and not have the kind of fighting I watched between my mom and step dad for 5 years. 2
katiegrl Posted April 28, 2016 Posted April 28, 2016 IMO you have "hidden" fears (of commitment) that ultimately sabotage all your relationships, and will continue to do so unless and until you figure out where that hidden fear stems from. It's like you are attracted to and subconsciously choose women who are bad and all wrong for you, and then proceed to try to turn them into what you want and need them to be.... then once they become that woman you need them to be..... you, in turn, lose interest. He's Scared, She's Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships: Steven Carter, Julia Sokol: 9780440506256: Amazon.com: Books 1
katiegrl Posted April 28, 2016 Posted April 28, 2016 Yeah, I'm looking for love and acceptance. A happiness and friendship. I sometimes get sad when I think about how I lost my 20s without having it. I see a lot of my friends married at age 30 having found their partner in their 20s. having had that joy of a fun and happy history that turned into a family. I want a family and a fun loving relationship. I want to be happy with my relationship and not have the kind of fighting I watched between my mom and step dad for 5 years. Problem is, from what I can tell anyway, you are not attracted to that. You want to be, but are not for some reason. You become attracted to women who provide drama and challenge. Perhaps because that was what you witnessed with your parents growing up, so it's familiar to you. It's worth exploring IMO. Good luck LR!
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