It always fades...

[LoveRefreshed]

Been with my current gf for almost 9 months now and a little longer while it was just casual.

 

Things were going well at the start, of course. Then we had some issues with two exes and it took about two months to get over, it took her coming here and me coming here posting about it to deal with it. She has some abandonment issues since her dad left her and she is always seeking approval I think in some regards from men.

 

I had to point out to her that her interaction with her ex husband was her seeking his attention and I won't move forward with out relationship anymore while she was his friend.

 

Well, she unfriended him and promised to show me all of his communication attempts now. She also unfriended one ex and enforced better boundaries with another. She has done all of this in the last two months.

 

The only issue, it just kind of seems like I don't really care anymore. I just seem to at one point thought, why do I care so much, a woman like this isn't worth taking serious. I feel like I walled up to protect myself.

 

She's now taking it serious and I don't know if I can. Is this a done deal? Would others? I'm drifting away and she has no idea. I've done this in every relationship I've been in. It's like as she [every gf I've ever had] falls more in love, I fall more out of love.

 

Do I have permanent GIGS? Get into a real relationship and the idea I had of them faded? Do I date too many girls that aren't worth my efforts? How do people know when they've found someone they can love for 20 years?

[Tayla]

they know when they stop controlling the other person and accept them lock stock and barrel.

 

I dated a guy that kept raising the bar : If you do XYZ, we might have a chance. At first it was a challenge, after awhile it became a chore.

 

Loving adults work towards fair goals not impede and create more delays.

 

In no way are you ready for the long haul. So keep dating lightly.

 

May I ask if the Ex's were harming her? What was your real goal in "ordering" her to disengage from contact?

[losangelena]

I'm a bit disturbed that you think some women are more "worthy" of your effort than others. If you come to a relationship from the vantage point of superiority, I'd say it's doomed from the word go.

[katiegrl]

LR, sounds like you enjoy, get excited, turned on by the *challenge* of a resistent woman but then once you actually succeed in *winning* her (for lack of a better word), she loses some or most of her intrigue.

 

You may subconsciously have a fear of commitment.

 

Read "He's Scared, She's Scared" (the hidden fears that sabotage our relationships).

 

It has helped me tremendously overcome my own fears!

 

Good luck.

[carhill]

Do I have permanent GIGS?

Unknown

Get into a real relationship and the idea I had of them faded?

If a pattern, and you're unsure how to exit and it's interfering with forming and maintaining healthy relationships, I'd suggest seeking professional assistance.

Do I date too many girls that aren't worth my efforts?

Unknown. What are people 'worth'? IDK.

How do people know when they've found someone they can love for 20 years?

IME, you don't. It just works out that way. Time goes by and, one day, 20 years have passed. Try taking each day on its own and enjoying and valuing that day.

[Gaeta]

What I see is :

 

You had a relationship of 9 months and for 7 of those it was a battle Her versus her exs. I think this situation prevented you to truly bond together and now 2 months after she solved her exs issues you realize there is not much holding you 2 together. You did not realize this before because you were always on a preventing-fixing-relationship mode. I don't see it as a the grass is always greener elsewhere. I see it as something that has never been there from the start because of her issues.

[brothers343]

I got married young, at 19 and been married 13 years. I married my wife after 4 months. We have two kids. I was ready to commit and I had my fun before she ever came into my life. I guess you can say we met each other at the right time and place. Was it luck.....I don't believe in luck. If its meant to be it will be. If your loosing interest in this woman than say goodbye and let her move on. Plus the kind of game that your playing there's always a winner and a looser, today you might be the winner but there's always someone that plays the game a little better than you. Don't lead her to believe she might have something but in reality she doesn't. Good luck.

[LoveRefreshed]

they know when they stop controlling the other person and accept them lock stock and barrel.

 

I dated a guy that kept raising the bar : If you do XYZ, we might have a chance. At first it was a challenge, after awhile it became a chore.

 

Loving adults work towards fair goals not impede and create more delays.

 

In no way are you ready for the long haul. So keep dating lightly.

 

May I ask if the Ex's were harming her? What was your real goal in "ordering" her to disengage from contact?

 

I don't want to do what you mention about 'raising the bar' and I also have learned to accept what flaws she has. I think that's when my need to wall up started (as her flaw is the need to solicit attention from other men, the way I see it).

 

Dating her lightly? OR dating others lightly?

 

The issue with her ex husband- together for 10 years. She cheated with him on a boyfriend during a time they were separated. Her family described him as 'maniupalitve'. His conversations contained content using old pet names, telling her he missed her, and asking her to get a drink with him when he came to visit his folks.

 

When I asked if she had told him about me, she said no, but it was "on facebook". I said tell him, and she did. His response was "Thanks for that" and then he disappeared. After a week, she sent him a picture of fuzzy bear slippers and a little joke about something to do with them while they were together. He didn't answer it. A week later she sent him another message. I asked why she won't let him fade away, and she said "That's what's happening" and I said not if you're trying to hard to prevent it. That's when she finally unfriended him.

 

The ex boyfriend tried to kiss her, and get her to pretend to be his gf at a wedding they went to (when we were in our first month, and they had already had plans to go) and the ex bf was a friend for the entirety of her marriage. When she told me this, I got angry at her but reacted in a jealous manner that wasn't productive. It took me a long time to explain why I didn't like this ex bf pining for her. Until he was ready to be a friend again, he had to go.

 

Thanks Katiegrl! I'll check out the book but I certainly have issues with trusting people as a whole. My gf thinks I have mom abandonment issues, I don't know. It's possible I was ****ed up from my mom leaving me until I was 8 because she was a drunk.

 

I don't think it's disturbing as some people aren't really your efforts into a relationship. Maybe that's a part of my issue, maybe I look at value of people. If someone isn't adding to my life, why should I add to theirs? I spent the majority of my 20s being the nice doormat doing favors for girls. Took me a long time to realize not all of those girls deserved my friendship and charity.

[LoveRefreshed]

What I see is :

 

You had a relationship of 9 months and for 7 of those it was a battle Her versus her exs. I think this situation prevented you to truly bond together and now 2 months after she solved her exs issues you realize there is not much holding you 2 together. You did not realize this before because you were always on a preventing-fixing-relationship mode. I don't see it as a the grass is always greener elsewhere. I see it as something that has never been there from the start because of her issues.

 

I mean there are many things we have in common (D&D, nerdiness, card games, board games, tv, pot heads) and I'm attracted to her and our sex, but it's like I've shut it off. I don't really care anymore if she were to cheat on me with her ex husband, I'd just move on.

[katiegrl]

What I see is :

 

You had a relationship of 9 months and for 7 of those it was a battle Her versus her exs. I think this situation prevented you to truly bond together and now 2 months after she solved her exs issues you realize there is not much holding you 2 together. You did not realize this before because you were always on a preventing-fixing-relationship mode. I don't see it as a the grass is always greener elsewhere. I see it as something that has never been there from the start because of her issues.

 

I agree G, but he said this has been a pattern in all his relationship which indicates a deeper issue... not one specific to this particular relationship.

 

LR, in your previous relationships ... were your girlfriends somewhat difficult in the beginning, hard to pin down, or had other issues preventing closeness?

 

And once they started coming closer, you lost interest?

 

You hinted at that in your original post, can you clarify?

[Jabron1]

What I see is :

 

You had a relationship of 9 months and for 7 of those it was a battle Her versus her exs. I think this situation prevented you to truly bond together and now 2 months after she solved her exs issues you realize there is not much holding you 2 together. You did not realize this before because you were always on a preventing-fixing-relationship mode. I don't see it as a the grass is always greener elsewhere. I see it as something that has never been there from the start because of her issues.

 

I was thinking the same thing.

 

It seems like he spent a lot of time dealing with her daddy issues, and by the time they start finally moving past that he's lost the will to live.

 

Do I date too many girls that aren't worth my efforts?

 

Depends on the effort exerted and the end result, mate.

 

Personally, I think months of trying to get a person to behave with basic decency isn't worth it. Trying to teach a pig to sing is only going to tire you out, and irritate the pig. Just come to the conclusion that she isn't girlfriend material instead.

 

Did you only find out about her problems after she became your girlfriend? Because if you found out before, and ignored it, then that's on you. You need to stop trying to fix people.

[LoveRefreshed]

First real gf was normal. Just at about month 9 she said "I love you" and I couldn't say it back. Broke up with her 2 weeks later.

 

Second gf was an indian (forbidden love? disapproving parents, always a way out?) and I was unhappy with our non existent sex life at month 10 (and we didn't have sex until our 4th month) and I broke up with her 10 months later (I know, I wasn't a good person here) when I met my last gf.

 

The last gf was a 6 year relationship. Three-four months were casual as she didn't want to get too involved with me. At month 2, I pushed for more, and she told me to be happy with what I get. I think I started shutting down with her there. We had our first fight on a trip to Colorado after a year, and she slowely started becoming angry and aggressive. She started punching me in fights and yelling became a norm. It took me a long time to get out of that relationship. She was loyal and beautiful. Hardworking and smart. Angry and aggressive. Fiery and passionate. I wanted to break up many times in that relationship. Kept trying to make it work but I couldn't never forgive her for fights. It led to resentment and me being single in Germany for 8 months as an alcoholic (like mother like son) before coming back and trying again with her. Only to have her start the same abusiveness. Only this time I noticed it for what it was and I broke up with her and met my current gf shortly after.

 

During all of that time, I just kept thinking to myself I don't deserve this anger, but when I thought about leaving, I thought about all the ****tier women out there. The women that cheat, the women that are alcoholics. The women that have low labidos. The women who don't get my sense of humor. She had all those +s but it wasn't enough. IDK, I'm rambling now.

 

I don't knwo if there is a pattern, but there were 3 girls back to back with little time inbetween except my 8 months in Germany where I drank myself to a stupor every weekend.

[LoveRefreshed]

I was thinking the same thing.

 

It seems like he spent a lot of time dealing with her daddy issues, and by the time they start finally moving past that he's lost the will to live.

 

 

 

Depends on the effort exerted and the end result, mate.

 

Personally, I think months of trying to get a person to behave with basic decency isn't worth it. Trying to teach a pig to sing is only going to tire you out, and irritate the pig. Just come to the conclusion that she isn't girlfriend material instead.

 

Did you only find out about her problems after she became your girlfriend? Because if you found out before, and ignored it, then that's on you. You need to stop trying to fix people.

 

When I met her, she wasn't facebook friends with her ex husband and he wasn't messaging her. She didn't talk to him. He reached out after we started dating.

 

Her desire to remain friends with her ex bf was okay with me until he tried to kiss her. It was then when she alienated me by calling me jealous and discussing it with him. Where he was feeding her things of me being jealous and insecure and childish. I should have just left then, but I was also acting with anger (probably a result of my last 6 years) and I didn't realize the issue was with her, not me or him.

[carhill]

In the past ten years, what's the single longest time you've been alone, meaning not in a relationship or dating someone?

[katiegrl]

When I met her, she wasn't facebook friends with her ex husband and he wasn't messaging her. She didn't talk to him. He reached out after we started dating.

 

Her desire to remain friends with her ex bf was okay with me until he tried to kiss her. It was then when she alienated me by calling me jealous and discussing it with him. Where he was feeding her things of me being jealous and insecure and childish.

 

 

----

 

***I should have just left then, but I was also acting with anger (probably a result of my last 6 years) and I didn't realize the issue was with her, not me or him.

 

I recall your previous threads discussing that whole thing.

 

Be honest, you were very very intrigued with her too, infatuated, extremely taken with her despite this crap, and IMO wearing the proverbial blinders.

 

If my memory serves me correctly.

[LoveRefreshed]

In the past ten years, what's the single longest time you've been alone, meaning not in a relationship or dating someone?

 

8 months in germany

[LoveRefreshed]

I recall your previous threads discussing that whole thing.

 

Be honest, you were very very intrigued with her too, infatuated, extremely taken with her despite this crap, and IMO wearing the proverbial blinders.

 

If my memory serves me correctly.

 

Right, I was. That's my whole point. It's like the whole effort to make it what I needed for a relationship made me not want the relationship any more. Which makes me a fool I guess and a jerk.

[Jabron1]

Right, I was. That's my whole point. It's like the whole effort to make it what I needed for a relationship made me not want the relationship any more. Which makes me a fool I guess and a jerk.

 

I don't know why you think that makes you a jerk.

[katiegrl]

Right, I was. That's my whole point. It's like the whole effort to make it what I needed for a relationship made me not want the relationship any more. Which makes me a fool I guess and a jerk.

 

Maybe you need to work hard, and exert constant effort to keep you mentally and emotionally stimulated? And challenged? And attracted?

 

And once that is taken away, you are left feeling sort of meh?

 

Gotta get to work now, but will check back in later LR.

 

Hang in.

[carhill]

8 months in germany

So, would you say you were neutraled out in Germany or still involved in some form or fashion with the lady who dominates this thread? By 'alone', I mean no pinings, no love wishes, no girlfriends, no ex'es still in contact, etc, etc. Alone living your life as a man out there in the world.

 

Do you feel you're a failure in life if you're alone?

 

What is it about these successive relationships that pulls you, even though by your own admission you say it 'fades'?

 

I went through over a year's worth of work with a psychologist while married and the basis of some of these questions is from our work in MC. Very interesting and enlightening stuff, which is why I suggested professional help if getting stuck.

[Cinnamonstix]

You've had four girlfriends with little time in between (except for an 8 month drunken hiatus) to process the relationships and heal.

 

To me this just means that you just keep jumping into relationships with people who aren't really suitable partners for you because you haven't really taken the time to reflect on what you want and need. It's a normal part of the dating process for things to either progress or end. In this case, once all the drama subsided, you are turned off in the aftermath. You have realized it was not okay that you went through all that your gf's exes, and you want a woman that is happy with just your attention. Don't beat yourself up because your feelings have changed and you've realized you're not compatible.

 

I think you haven't found the right relationship because you haven't figured out what you want and need, and made compatibility a priority before entering a relationship.

[salparadise]

Well, she unfriended him and promised to show me all of his communication attempts now. She also unfriended one ex and enforced better boundaries with another. She has done all of this in the last two months.

 

The only issue, it just kind of seems like I don't really care anymore. I just seem to at one point thought, why do I care so much, a woman like this isn't worth taking serious. I feel like I walled up to protect myself.

 

Do I have permanent GIGS?

 

I don't knwo if there is a pattern, but there were 3 girls back to back with little time inbetween except my 8 months in Germany where I drank myself to a stupor every weekend.

 

 

No definitive answers but what you said in the first quote above seems reasonable. You started out with the usual infatuation as most relationships do, then you had the struggle. Over that time infatuation did not mature into love because at the same time you lost respect and came to another realization...

 

That strong-arming her into cutting contact with a bunch of ex's didn't change who she is, it just rug-swept the expression of it. The predisposition is still there and it's probably never going away. And you realize this is not what you want.

 

I went through a somewhat similar series of relationships since being divorced, except it wasn't about them needing lot of outside male attention. It was more about expectations, attachment styles and personalities ranging from aloof to manipulative. I finally decided to take time off, achieve better clarity as to what I actually was looking for, and wait for someone who inherently had those characteristics. I remained single for a year and finally met someone who fit what I believe that I needed.

 

So it could simple be that you haven't met someone who is right for you, and the reason may be that you're spending all of your time in relationships with people who are not what you want or need. Adopt the attitude that it has to be right or else you're going to remain single, but no compromise relationships to fill the void.

[katiegrl]

Reading his early threads about her, even while this crap was happening, LR DID feel it, she, was right.

 

He kept saying how *right* it all felt. Emotionally. Despite the crap.

 

More right than anyone prior to her.

 

That is why imo this indicates a deeper issue going on that he is not even aware of.

[Versacehottie]

What I see is :

 

You had a relationship of 9 months and for 7 of those it was a battle Her versus her exs.

 

I see it as something that has never been there from the start because of her issues.

 

yep^^^as I recall i said something to the effect that you kept acting like you had a hold of a "prize" when her behavior at the time was not "prize-like". I think I said, or i will say it now, that it was dysfunctional. I think you spent so much time trying to battle orbiters and imaginary orbiters that she let you believe were there that you ignored the fact that she is not great for you (by some measures, maybe the ones that matter most). The challenge of that is over now that she has been won and you are left with the relationship that is. The excitement and rush was created by the battle and winning her, not really the person. A big part of why you were hooked in during the first part was a feed to your ego, you weren't really considering the person in front of you, just wanted to make sure you didn't lose to those other "losers" (is that what you called them I forgot?). She definitely played into that by egging you on about it and doing everything reluctantly dropping contact with them, etc.

 

If you say your mom was an alcoholic, I can understand why this is happening. I'm sorry. You are a favorite poster of mine. You deserve better for yourself. I hope you figure it out. (i don't know the exact answer of what you should do). Good luck

[LoveRefreshed]

I don't know why you think that makes you a jerk.

 

That I kept pushing for her to be what I wanted, and I'm still not happy and had I realized that, I could have avoided breaking one more heart.

 

Well, I guess from my first gf to my second, there was a 3 year gap. Primarily of which, I was single after perpetual rejection. A good friend of mine now (one of the rejectors then) said it was because I pursued to many girls (although perceived that way from her, I only pursued one at at a time until it was clear she friend zoned me) and that it was clear [to her] that I wasn't in a good place. (Drug use and drinking)

 

I think I moved to grad school and started dating a girl that was a bad match because I thought I needed someone who was educated and motivated to get a phD who was 'innocent' as she was a top caste braman fresh from india who had never smoked pot.

 

I thought to myself, I need a girl who smokes pot! That's two in a row who don't smoke and I also need a girl who wants to have sex and can be as social as I am (I got tired of having to constantly keep tabs on my indian gf because she would yell at me after parties for ignoring her)!

 

So I went and found it. She ended up being angry and jealous of one of my girl friends whom I was never anything but friends with. She also took no interest in me (i.e. never once watched a single anime with me in 6 years, never learned a home state card game (euchre) to play with my family and I as my partner even though I tried 3 times to teach her, and she never played a single round of d&d with me despite me finding a game with actual girls)

 

I said to myself, I need someone whose not angry and jealous who smokes pot and is social and likes the things that I like.

 

My current gf was a swinger/poly. Jealousy doesn't even register on her radar (sorta, she's got a little there) who is submissive and passive. Never yells at me and is always trying to please me (and now only me). She smokes pot and is nerdy.

 

So I thought I was moving in the right direction, but maybe I'm not looking deep enough.