SillySquirrel Posted April 28, 2016 Posted April 28, 2016 Okay so I'll keep this short. I met this guy on a meetup site. I wasn't looking for a boyfriend. I was looking for friends to play video games with. So we played together on xbox 360 for about 2 wks. We talked on the phone while we played. And honestly it was fun every time. I've never laughed so much with someone else. So we decided to meet up... and it was amazing. We had so much chemistry. People in public thought we had been a couple for years. Unfortunately there is a problem... due to a mental illness (severe anxiety in public and bipolar) he cannot work and is on social welfare. My dream in life is to travel the world.. but how can I travel the world if Im paying all the bills? Also I left my previous boyfriend because he had no money and I always had to pitch in for the rent and pay the bills. Im torn. Ive never felt this chemistry before. But at the same time I don't want a life of financial problems.. Please help..
Leigh 87 Posted April 28, 2016 Posted April 28, 2016 This is a tough one. Is it possible for him to get even a menial part time job?
smackie9 Posted April 28, 2016 Posted April 28, 2016 It's simple, keep him as a friend. You have dreams and goals....keep looking and it will be more rewarding in the long run. 5
CarrieT Posted April 28, 2016 Posted April 28, 2016 Im torn. Ive never felt this chemistry before. From those of us that have been there (and turned our world upside down for that "chemistry"), it is not enough to build a life on and - more importantly - the chemistry DOES NOT LAST. I came to this site to end a toxic relationship with someone with whom the "chemistry" was off the charts. I ended an 11-year relationship to be with this guy but after 2 1/2 years, the chemistry was gone, he was abusing alcohol and drugs, and I was supporting him. Learn from those of that have been there. Don't even start fantasizing about a life with someone just for the "chemistry" when all the other red flags tell you that you won't have the life you really want. 7
katiegrl Posted April 28, 2016 Posted April 28, 2016 You say you don't want a life full of financial issues, how about not wanting a life full of emotional issues, especially if his Bipolar and anxiety are so severe and detrimental that he can't work. His mood was (is) most likely on the upswing .... so yeah he's gonna be super fun! And pull you right in. But what happens when his mood hits the down swing and he won't talk to you and shuts you out? Have you considered how you will deal with that? Bipolar Disorder is very serious and very difficult to deal with. And as I said, his must be very severe if he is unable to work and paid by the government. So please consider all of this not just the chemistry. When those with bipolar are on the upswing, nearly everyone they meet will feel chemistry. As I said, they have the ability to pull you right in. Then shut you right out when their mood hit the down cycle. Please consider snd choose wisely. 10
Author SillySquirrel Posted April 28, 2016 Author Posted April 28, 2016 Thank you thank you. This is exactly what I needed to hear.. my friends are encouraging me to go for it "for fun" but that's just selfish and I know I'll get attached. Sometimes strangers' opinions are better... God this won't be easy and I sure will regret it but I'll have to tell him.. I just don't know how to do it without losing him... God this whole dating thing isn't as easy as I thought it was .
Leigh 87 Posted April 28, 2016 Posted April 28, 2016 Thank you thank you. This is exactly what I needed to hear.. my friends are encouraging me to go for it "for fun" but that's just selfish and I know I'll get attached. Sometimes strangers' opinions are better... God this won't be easy and I sure will regret it but I'll have to tell him.. I just don't know how to do it without losing him... God this whole dating thing isn't as easy as I thought it was . Yep. No one gets it all. You get the 10/10 chemistry, you more often than not, have to give upsomething else. We all have our own unique set of key fundamentals that we NEED in a prospective partnee. I've done rhe chemistry thing before with a stoner who had no ambition. The chemistry literally disappeared. Despite it being off the charts to begin with. Over ten years later I have the off the charts chemistry again with a guy who also has bipolar. But he manages to hold down a full time job so it still works. Plus we both have the same type of mental health issues but mildy enough to help each other develope and grow from our past tendencies. Dating with mental illness is tough. But like you I got the amazing chemistry which it is intoxicating because it makes you fall harder for that person. Your feelings will always be more intense than it is for the 7/10 chemistry guys who may be good for a FWB but don't exactly make you giddy or excited about seeing them. So make a choice. And don't assume that just because some rare women claim that they got to marry their 10/10 fireworks guy who is also perfect in every way: these women are clueless as to how rare it is to have it all. It is truly rare. Personally, chemistry and destination and passion and feeling alive with the men I have the most chemistry with is more enjoyable to me than setting into a long term relationship with a guy who ideal for me on paper but I am not excited about. I prefer flings with men I have the " I want to rip their clothes off" feeling for, mutually may O add, than I do dating men purely for the purpose of having a " partner" yet who are probably the best fit for me. However I certainly don't advise you to follow in my foot steps. Most women want kids and the white picket fence. Stability. A guy with a comfortable income who is sensible and responsible. And most women find it and live happily-- with the sky illuminating fireworks and chemistry. If you hold out for this type of chemistry again- you will either find it later in life or not at all, with a compatible partner. If you want a family and commitment before you turn 60, seek out men who are rhe most suited to you and you're still interested in even if it's mildy at first. You only need some chemistry to kick things off. And then you have a life time of satisfactory and even good sex! As opposed to amazing sex for a little prior ro crashing and burning in a more passion filled affair. Choice is yours. I am having fun with my passion filled partner. Who has bipolar. We even seem very well matched! But I certainly don't expect it to last a lifetime. Why? Because the odds kf that happening are literally 1 million to one. No one gets it all. You really have to embrace living in the moment like a real hedonist when you fall head over heels for a guy.
katiegrl Posted April 28, 2016 Posted April 28, 2016 Your bf works though right, Leigh? Despite his Bipolar? OP's guy *can't* work and is paid by the government. So it must be severe. Financial issues, emotional issues. Ugh! I wouldn't pursue this no matter how intoxicating the chemistry. Would you, seriously? 2
tayriley Posted April 28, 2016 Posted April 28, 2016 I'm confused...you say he has severe anxiety in public...yet you also said that people in public thought you'd been a couple for years....?? So you guys met in a public place, and his anxiety was little enough to have a good time with you? I don't know if I buy that he can't work at all. There has to be jobs that he can do without ever leaving the home. I myself work from home 90% of the time. That said, dating a guy with emotional issues is no picnic. Unless he is actively seeking help and therapy, I'd say steer clear. You can keep him as a friend. Who knows, maybe he will get to a place one day where he will not be anxious at all and able to get whatever job he wants. As someone who has dated a guy with severe depression, I also have to say this- a lot of people with mental disorders are really good at faking normality- they have developed this over time as a way to deflect attention from themselves. They can socialize with friends and joke and seem really confident, but in reality it's all a show. It's when you get into a relationship with these people that you find out the truth about how insecure they are. In my case, my ex would get angry over the smallest things and instead of trying to talk it out, he'd get really condescending. Even if I apologize, he'd continue to 'punish' me by staying in a bad mood and refusing to listen to what I had to say. On two different occasions, he raised his voice at me in public as if I was a child. It made me feel like a battered spouse. People like this do not mean to be this way, but only they can help themselves get better. THEY have to want to put in the work. No one else can do it for them. Remain friends with this guy. I'm sure he will be a great friend to you. But do not pursue a romantic relationship with him. You will end up just like you did with your ex- spiting him for holding you back in life.
mortensorchid Posted April 28, 2016 Posted April 28, 2016 Yikes ... Well, that's a problem, to be sure. But ... I know you barely know him, you are in infatuation right now, NOT LOVE, but if it goes to love ... Then you have to decide between your future plans and the man you love. At this point, it's best to just stay friends with him for now and see what happens in the near future.
Eternal Sunshine Posted April 28, 2016 Posted April 28, 2016 I met a guy last year with whom I had great chemistry. But then he told me that he has Bipolar and usually can't keep a job for longer than few months. He was also on a number of heavy anti-physchotic medications. I decided to walk away as I want a stable life even at the expense of some chemistry. The problem is, the longer you stay, the more attached and hurt you will be when it ends. You may not even be able to walk away.
kidm Posted April 28, 2016 Posted April 28, 2016 I'm confused...you say he has severe anxiety in public...yet you also said that people in public thought you'd been a couple for years....?? So you guys met in a public place, and his anxiety was little enough to have a good time with you? I don't know if I buy that he can't work at all. There has to be jobs that he can do without ever leaving the home. I myself work from home 90% of the time. I have the same questions. I've never heard such extreme/debilitating social anxiety to be limited to work settings. It permeates their whole life. I am surprised he was so comfortable meeting you in public and hanging out so much so that others thought you were couple. To get government benefits based on anxiety, depression, etc. it must significantly interfere with the person's daily life and/or social function. He is able to meet women from online and play video games for hours but can't work? Yah maybe there's more to his disability that he doesn't want to share with you but something seems suspect. How old is he?
Author SillySquirrel Posted April 28, 2016 Author Posted April 28, 2016 I am 22 and he is 18. I say severe anxiety becausw that's what he told me. He says he's not able to work with the public. And I saw signs of it during our date. It seems like the only person he could really communicate with without stressing out was me. A nice lady approached us and jumped in on our conversatiom about the horrible weather and he couldn't look at her in the face. Then we went into the coffee shop to order coffee and he mumbled his order so fast the poor barista had to ask him twice to repeat... i even had to calm him down and tell him to repeat more clearly. Then he wanted OUT as fast as possible. He was avoiding eye contact with everyone and was shaking a little. So we sat in my car to enjoy our coffee. With me he was fine, I think it's strangers he can't deal with. Regardless.. I know it won't work out. Anyone have any idea how I could say it in the least painful way? Worst part is he already told his mother that we are in love (i'm not in love.. he just told her) and his sister who is married and moved out "can't wait to meet me". I think he might be too attached already...
CarrieT Posted April 28, 2016 Posted April 28, 2016 Regardless.. I know it won't work out. Anyone have any idea how I could say it in the least painful way? Reconcile yourself with the fact that he is going to hurt. All you have to say is that, although you LIKE him AS A FRIEND (this puts him in the "friend zone,"), you don't see him "that way" and believe your differing future plans are not compatible. Worst part is he already told his mother that we are in love (i'm not in love.. he just told her) and his sister who is married and moved out "can't wait to meet me". I think he might be too attached already... Well, that is all on him and his problem - not yours. Cut the cord quick. Before he gets more attached.... 1
katiegrl Posted April 28, 2016 Posted April 28, 2016 (edited) I am 22 and he is 18. I say severe anxiety becausw that's what he told me. He says he's not able to work with the public. And I saw signs of it during our date. It seems like the only person he could really communicate with without stressing out was me. A nice lady approached us and jumped in on our conversatiom about the horrible weather and he couldn't look at her in the face. Then we went into the coffee shop to order coffee and he mumbled his order so fast the poor barista had to ask him twice to repeat... i even had to calm him down and tell him to repeat more clearly. Then he wanted OUT as fast as possible. He was avoiding eye contact with everyone and was shaking a little. So we sat in my car to enjoy our coffee. With me he was fine, I think it's strangers he can't deal with. Regardless.. I know it won't work out. Anyone have any idea how I could say it in the least painful way? Worst part is he already told his mother that we are in love (i'm not in love.. he just told her) and his sister who is married and moved out "can't wait to meet me". ------ ** I think he might be too attached already... Ya think? And what about the Bipolar? That's more serious than the anxiety! Not sure what you're thinking girl, that you can save him or something? Or that he needs you? Is that the appeal? I mean you hardly know this guy. You have had *one* date. And he is only 18 to boot. Pls tell him soon. Be gentle. If he's for real, I feel very badly for him, but you need to think of yourself here too. He's got a tough road ahead of him. Good luck. Edited April 28, 2016 by katiegrl
Rejected Rosebud Posted April 28, 2016 Posted April 28, 2016 I hope the guy gets some good help and learns how to live a fulfilling and productive life even though he has this burden. He is only 18 - that it typically a difficult time for people (especially guys, interestingly) to deal with mental health problems. He is not in a place, in any way, to be your (or anybody's) boyfriend. I hope you could be friends, but probably not - I think he will fall for you, if he hasn't already.
alphamale Posted April 28, 2016 Posted April 28, 2016 Im torn. Ive never felt this chemistry before. But at the same time I don't want a life of financial problems.. you should be far more concerned about his bipolar disorder.
alphamale Posted April 28, 2016 Posted April 28, 2016 Bipolar Disorder is very serious and very difficult to deal with. it's really not that bad if you're one of the lucky few who have found the right combo of medications and therapy
katiegrl Posted April 28, 2016 Posted April 28, 2016 (edited) it's really not that bad if you're one of the lucky few who have found the right combo of medications and therapy Agree. And it would allow one to hold a job as well. Carry on a relatively normal and productive life. But since this guy is unable to work, he is probably not on the proper meds. This whole thing sounds extremely suspect IMO. I mean government assistance at 18? OP, is he in school? On-line classes? Hell one can obtain a college degree on-line nowadays. Very very strange. Edited April 28, 2016 by katiegrl
Author SillySquirrel Posted April 28, 2016 Author Posted April 28, 2016 He is not in school and hasn't finished high school from what I understand. And I also just found out he spent his teenage years in juvenile jail and in a center for troubled youth as well... oh my. This is too much for me. Thanks you guys have been a tremendous help. Ill be too busy with work until the weekend.. but I'll distance myself until then and tell him on saturday. I'll post how it goes.
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