Rosales216 Posted April 27, 2016 Posted April 27, 2016 So, I just started dating this girl about a week ago. I was over her apartment and we were kissing and I was touching on her. She wasn't really down to have sex, so of course I did not force her. I leave and when I get home I get a text saying she is a virgin and doesn't want sex before marriage. She thought I only wanted a hookup, which I didn't at all. I just want to be intimate with my partner. The thing is I do want sex in a relationship before marriage. I really like this girl, but I don't want to have to wait to see if we are going to get married, before we have sex. How should I handle this?
RecentChange Posted April 27, 2016 Posted April 27, 2016 Well you have to respect her wishes. Your choices are: Continue to date her to see if you want to marry her, and have no sex all that time. Or move on. I could never do the "wait till marriage" thing, so personally I would be moving on! 5
deadparrot Posted April 27, 2016 Posted April 27, 2016 So, I just started dating this girl about a week ago. I was over her apartment and we were kissing and I was touching on her. She wasn't really down to have sex, so of course I did not force her. I leave and when I get home I get a text saying she is a virgin and doesn't want sex before marriage. She thought I only wanted a hookup, which I didn't at all. I just want to be intimate with my partner. The thing is I do want sex in a relationship before marriage. I really like this girl, but I don't want to have to wait to see if we are going to get married, before we have sex. How should I handle this? There's nothing wrong with either stance, but if it's a deal-breaker for both of you, then it's best to cut your losses and move on. It's a major life decision, one that you both have to make of your own volition. If one party feels like they've been used, bitterness will arise and the relationship will go south anyway. 5
angel.eyes Posted April 27, 2016 Posted April 27, 2016 Did you lose your virginity in the last month? At any rate, you want different things and have different values. Look for someone else who shares yours. 1
central Posted April 27, 2016 Posted April 27, 2016 Move on. You won't be able to find out if you're sexually compatible, and if you're not, what a disaster! Your goals and values are too different, and IMO, getting married before THREE years of dating is a huge mistake. Do you want to wait 3 years or more to find out? 5
d0nnivain Posted April 27, 2016 Posted April 27, 2016 If you would like to date her knowing you will not have sex with her, feel free. If you can't envision a relationship without sex, she's not your girl. For you to pressure her, is not fair to her. Respect yourself & her enough to move on. 6
Author Rosales216 Posted April 28, 2016 Author Posted April 28, 2016 There's nothing wrong with either stance, but if it's a deal-breaker for both of you, then it's best to cut your losses and move on. It's a major life decision, one that you both have to make of your own volition. If one party feels like they've been used, bitterness will arise and the relationship will go south anyway. You're right, I completely respect her values and am definitely not going to force her into anything. At this point I would feel like **** if I ended everything just because I want sex in a relationship, when we so many other things in common. Did you lose your virginity in the last month? At any rate, you want different things and have different values. Look for someone else who shares yours. I did not lose my virginity lol.
fitnessfan365 Posted April 28, 2016 Posted April 28, 2016 Dude, it's a girl you started dating a week ago. You don't really have any time invested whatsoever so far. I'd just be honest with her and wish her luck. 4
Michelle ma Belle Posted April 28, 2016 Posted April 28, 2016 Move on. You won't be able to find out if you're sexually compatible, and if you're not, what a disaster! Your goals and values are too different, and IMO, getting married before THREE years of dating is a huge mistake. Do you want to wait 3 years or more to find out? I second this. As much as I respect someone's choice to remain a virgin until marriage, I do think finding a sexually compatible partner is not to be taken lightly! "Until death do we part" is an awfully long time to be with someone you're not sexually compatible with Good luck. 6
Methodical Posted April 28, 2016 Posted April 28, 2016 I think Central hit the nail on the head. When sex is important to you and you aren't getting any, resentment builds and things escalate quickly. Just be honest and tell her you respect her wishes, and as strongly rooted as she is to not have pre-marital sex, you are equally rooted in wanting to know that you and your potential life long partner are sexually compatible.
TXGuy Posted April 28, 2016 Posted April 28, 2016 I second this. As much as I respect someone's choice to remain a virgin until marriage, I do think finding a sexually compatible partner is not to be taken lightly! "Until death do we part" is an awfully long time to be with someone you're not sexually compatible with Good luck. While I agree with this, I would say that OP should not assume she is a virgin. She could very well be saying that she will not be having sex with OP before marriage. Who knows, that could very well be her way of weeding out (weak) players and putting feelers out for providers. Of the women that claim they do not plan on having sex prior to marriage, a shockingly low number of them are actually virgins.
Michelle ma Belle Posted April 28, 2016 Posted April 28, 2016 While I agree with this, I would say that OP should not assume she is a virgin. She could very well be saying that she will not be having sex with OP before marriage. Who knows, that could very well be her way of weeding out (weak) players and putting feelers out for providers. Of the women that claim they do not plan on having sex prior to marriage, a shockingly low number of them are actually virgins. Interesting. Do you have some data to back that up? 1
Author Rosales216 Posted April 28, 2016 Author Posted April 28, 2016 I think Central hit the nail on the head. When sex is important to you and you aren't getting any, resentment builds and things escalate quickly. Just be honest and tell her you respect her wishes, and as strongly rooted as she is to not have pre-marital sex, you are equally rooted in wanting to know that you and your potential life long partner are sexually compatible. I would say yes. I do believe that in a relationship, there should be sex. Just for the pure intimacy. And like many people have said, what if you get married and there's no sexual chemistry.
mortensorchid Posted April 28, 2016 Posted April 28, 2016 Hmmm ... So you were looking for a hook up and she tells you she's a virgin and doesn't believe in sex before marriage? There is a clear mismatch here to begin with. Exactly how did you meet her? If you met her on a website that has a certain rep for hook ups, she did not advertise correctly. If you met her on one of those born again virgins websites, it can be said for you. What's the background? 1
smackie9 Posted April 28, 2016 Posted April 28, 2016 You are crazy to give up sex simply because you have some things in common. I tried it once....I lasted 3 weeks. It was the dumbest thing I ever did. Don't waste your time. Even if she is bs ing about it...that would prove she's not mature enough to handle adult issues. 1
Arieswoman Posted April 28, 2016 Posted April 28, 2016 She thought I only wanted a hookup, which I didn't at all. I just want to be intimate with my partner. There seems to be a total communication breakdown here which doesn't bode well for future interaction with this girl. You just aren't on the same page. I wonder why you would want to get into sexual stuff after only dating a week? That's waaaay too soon IMO. What's wrong with dating, movies/pictures, walks, bike rides, bowling and doing other activities to get to know each other first? I would let this go next time be more clear about what you want before you get into this sort of situation. When I was divorced and dating I had guys tell me that they "wanted to get into a sexual relationship quickly". I thanked them for telling me that and told them that if that was the case then they didn't want me ! Then I moved on. How old are you BTW?
Author Rosales216 Posted April 28, 2016 Author Posted April 28, 2016 There seems to be a total communication breakdown here which doesn't bode well for future interaction with this girl. You just aren't on the same page. I wonder why you would want to get into sexual stuff after only dating a week? That's waaaay too soon IMO. What's wrong with dating, movies/pictures, walks, bike rides, bowling and doing other activities to get to know each other first? I would let this go next time be more clear about what you want before you get into this sort of situation. When I was divorced and dating I had guys tell me that they "wanted to get into a sexual relationship quickly". I thanked them for telling me that and told them that if that was the case then they didn't want me ! Then I moved on. How old are you BTW? I'm 24 she's 22. We became official about a week ago, but we have been talking and going out on dates for almost a month. Hmmm ... So you were looking for a hook up and she tells you she's a virgin and doesn't believe in sex before marriage? There is a clear mismatch here to begin with. Exactly how did you meet her? If you met her on a website that has a certain rep for hook ups, she did not advertise correctly. If you met her on one of those born again virgins websites, it can be said for you. What's the background? Met her on hot or not. I did bring it up to her again today and asked if we would be able to do other things besides intercourse. She said she didn't want to make any promises and it is a little too early to talk about that stuff. *Sigh* Why can't this whole dating/sex thing be easier.
d0nnivain Posted April 28, 2016 Posted April 28, 2016 I'm 24 she's 22. We became official about a week ago, but we have been talking and going out on dates for almost a month. I did bring it up to her again today and asked if we would be able to do other things besides intercourse. She said she didn't want to make any promises and it is a little too early to talk about that stuff. *Sigh* Why can't this whole dating/sex thing be easier. Hey at least she is giving you honest answers. Just because you don't the answers doesn't mean she's not being clear. You clearly want a more physical relationship then this woman is prepared to give you. She is not the woman for you. Stop trying to force your POV on her. She is not as a sexual as you are. Period. 2
Arieswoman Posted April 28, 2016 Posted April 28, 2016 Rosales2163, Why can't this whole dating/sex thing be easier. It's only as complicated as you make it. I just want to be intimate with my partner Your partner ??!! You have been dating this girl a whole week and already you think she's your partner? You know practically nothing about her, so how do you know you want her as a partner? And having sex doesn't create intimacy - often it does just the opposite - and it certainly won't create compatibility if there wan't any in the first place. How about trying to get to know girls for themselves, not just as a supply of nookie? 2
TaraMaiden2 Posted April 28, 2016 Posted April 28, 2016 The way I see it, is very clear, and not complicated at all. You are pro-pre-marital sex. She isn't. Where is the complication, in that? Stick with her, and get more and more frustrated. Go your own way, and find a more compatible partner, and let her do the same. Why do you say it's complicated? It's only complicated in your mind, because you think you've invested a month or so to come to this point, and you've still got nowhere, but you're hoping your persistence and apparent staying-power will make you seem like a good deal so that she will change her mind. If she has told you - not once, but twice - that sex looks unlikely - how much longer are you willing to not have sex before bailing? Don't waste her time with your secretive ulterior motive. Split, go, move on. 3
Tribble Posted April 28, 2016 Posted April 28, 2016 These kind of threads really do bring out strong opinions. Bottom line is (for me), you should end it. Not because you're pro-pre-marital sex and she's not. But because you can't handle that difference. I've seen people last in these kind of relationships and it is beautiful. That they can build the intimacy and fall in love and (in the examples I know of) he is willing to wait however long it takes for her to be comfortable. Fully knowing that is probably marriage. It's not for everyone and it is not a failing. I myself, couldn't do it. You very clearly have stated you want sex within a successful relationship. Therefore, this relationship cannot be successful. There are guys out there who can handle this. And this: Dude, it's a girl you started dating a week ago. You don't really have any time invested whatsoever so far. I'd just be honest with her and wish her luck. Is only a positive in my eyes. She has told you up front rather than waiting for feelings to develop and then telling you in the hopes of trapping you. This is a good trait, showing a good woman. At the end of the day it is up to you. But, if you decide to stay, drop it. She has made her stance clear. You can work up to intimacy, sidle up to the boundary and check it out. But never, never push for sex. Let her lead if she changes her mind. But don't count on it. Go into it fully expecting to have to wait for marriage. Neither of you are wrong, just probably incompatible. 3
Popsicle Posted April 28, 2016 Posted April 28, 2016 Not all virgins want to wait until marriage, and not all people who want to have sex before marriage are ONLY after sex. This is something that she's just going to have to accept and if she chooses to villianize these people, that's her problem.
Jabron1 Posted April 28, 2016 Posted April 28, 2016 (edited) While I agree with this, I would say that OP should not assume she is a virgin. She could very well be saying that she will not be having sex with OP before marriage. Who knows, that could very well be her way of weeding out (weak) players and putting feelers out for providers. Of the women that claim they do not plan on having sex prior to marriage, a shockingly low number of them are actually virgins. I get what you're saying. It's a fair point to raise, especially given her behaviour. But it's also kind of moot in a way. She has directly told him that she's making him 'wait'. He can accept that or not. She's setting up hoops, and he can jump them, or not. I'm 24 she's 22. We became official about a week ago, but we have been talking and going out on dates for almost a month. I don't understand how such a big issue only comes up the morning after you two were fooling around. That doesn't make sense to me at all. Being a virgin until marriage is a way of life. It's a big deal for people. I would be questioning her timing. It seems very dodgy to me. I'm sensing game playing. The way I see it, is very clear, and not complicated at all. You are pro-pre-marital sex. She isn't. Where is the complication, in that? Stick with her, and get more and more frustrated. Go your own way, and find a more compatible partner, and let her do the same. Why do you say it's complicated? I agree. It's only complicated because he is considering compromising himself. And it would be a f'ing huge compromise, make no mistake about it. Edited April 28, 2016 by Jabron1 1
fitnessfan365 Posted April 28, 2016 Posted April 28, 2016 Hmmm ... So you were looking for a hook up I didn't get that vibe from the OP at all. I mean the fact that he's debating giving up sex because he likes her as a person says otherwise. All I took from his OP was that he wants sex while in a relationship, which most people do, and he doesn't want to wait until marriage. That has nothing to do with just hooking up..
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