Girlfriend criticises me a lot

[ggas]

Hello all,

After a few failed relationships and some bad breakups I found a girl that seems to get me. We've been dating for several months and things were going great. Recently however I feel very anxious about the relationship. I feel like I am always walking on eggshells.

 

Basically she gets annoyed very fast. There are lot of small things. Like me not being as organised as her although in all honestly I organise around the house a lot more than she does, or me falling asleep earlier than her.

 

Some history on the sleeping thing: she had an operation done a while back which caused her some anxiety with respect to health. Since then she has trouble falling asleep before 01:00 AM. I can fall asleep at 22:30 or 23:30 easily. I try to force myself to stay awake more my body doesn't always cooperate. She tells me that that makes her ask questions about us.

 

This makes me believe that the status of our relationship is always unknown. Or me not having the same political views as her annoy her to hell. It is as if she almost tries to find evidence that we are not compatible. Whenever I confront her about this and say "look let's just break up if you're not happy" she goes and says "whoever said anything about breaking up. " and then I feel like I'm the crazy one.

 

I don't know what to say. Sometimes I feel like I should just break up because although I love her so much it's not fair that I feel this way, always anxious, always left wondering and miserable.

 

I don't want to lose her and I am afraid that breaking up could be a mistake. I really don't know how to proceed. Before asking for advice I would like to point to her positive side also: if I ask for help she offers it. She always compliments my looks. She is an honest person and she can be very loving and cuddly.

 

That being said. Any advice? PLEASE

Edited April 27, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs ~6

[basil67]

She gives you a hard time because you can't stay up with her? Wow, that's incredibly selfish of her.

 

This girl doesn't get you. If she did get you, she'd accept your differences without complaint. But instead, she's got you walking on eggshells worried about the next thing which will annoy her.

 

Instead of offering a breakup, talk with her about how hurtful her criticisms of you are. Remind her that you are who you are and that you need to be accepted as such. In short, talk about what you need - as opposed to what you want her to do. You could also say that you want the relationship to last, but you cannot stay if these frequent criticisms continue - but only say this if you're prepared to walk away.

 

What it's worth, women tend to have more respect for a man who enforces his boundaries. Don't be afraid to enforce your own.

[Gaeta]

Hello all,

After a few failed relationships and some bad breakups I found a girl that seems to get me. We've been dating for several months and things were going great.

For how many months exactly?

 

 

Recently however I feel very anxious about the relationship. I feel like I am always walking on eggshells. Basically she gets annoyed very fast.

Was she always like this? If not then when did she change?

 

There are lot of small things. Like me not being as organised as her although in all honestly I organise around the house a lot more than she does,

Have you recently move in together?

 

or me falling asleep earlier than her. Some history on the sleeping thing: she had an operation done a while back which caused her some anxiety with respect to health. Since then she has trouble falling asleep before 01:00 AM. I can fall asleep at 22:30 or 23:30 easily. I try to force myself to stay awake more my body doesn't always cooperate. She tells me that that makes her ask questions about us.

This is the most selfish reasoning I have ever heard. She has to be extremely selfish or unintelligent or controlling to think this way.

 

I would like to point to her positive side also: if I ask for help she offers it. She always compliments my looks. She is an honest person and she can be very loving and cuddly.

Just sounds like a regular person. Most people are nice, offers to help and compliments others but if these nice people turn into nags and egoists on regular basis that doesn't make them 'nice.

 

 

That being said. Any advice? PLEASE

Tell her exactly what you just told us.

[Blanco]

I was in a relationship like this. I became incredibly paranoid by the end. I took umbrage at just about anything somewhat negative because I had been so worn down by the frequent criticisms that I no longer had the ability to take things in jest with her.

 

She never really got it, often citing that she had always given me crap, as had my family, and I had found all of those things amusing. This was true, but those examples of playfulness and sarcasm, both of which I enjoy. Her barbs toward me had moved away from humor and settled on simply being things I was doing wrong or in a different way than she did. It got to be too much.

 

She wasn't willing to accept that it's unrealistic to expect two individuals to mirror each other in behavior, how they go about things, how they process emotions, etc.

 

And, no surprise, she almost always thought her way was the superior model that others should follow. Whether it was loading a dishwasher or handling a traumatic incident, she knew how it should be done, and something was wrong with you if you disagreed.

 

It got to a point where it felt like she was out to take issues with just about anything I did. I recall a few months before we split, we were on our way to an open house. I had some trash I wanted to take out and the apartment complex's dumpster was near the entrance/exit of the complex. When she saw I was taking the trash with me, she told me we "didn't have time to stop and throw that out." That's right. We didn't have time for me to throw trash into the dumpster we were literally going to be driving by. And no, we weren't running late or even risking not being on time. It blew my mind. Her was a woman I had championed as being so casual, so easy going, so go-with-the-flow when I first met her. And now she was actually not allowing me to do something that would take maybe 15 seconds.

 

Point is, I've never been the most secure person, but by the end of that relationship, I was such a shell of a person, second-guessing even the most mundane tasks or modes of behavior when in her presence.

[katiegrl]

Whenever I confront her about this and say "look let's just break up if you're not happy" she goes and says "whoever said anything about breaking up. " and then I feel like I'm the crazy one.

 

 

Okay this whole thing just pisses me off to NO end.

 

With respect to the above... yes and if you continue to stay with her, you will feel ever crazier!

 

The sleeping issue is just the tip of an otherwise very ugly and dysfunctional iceberg.

 

The most self-centered thing I have ever heard in my life. She's awake until 1:00 am for chrissakes. For her to expect you to stay awake with her lest there is a problem in the relationship is ludicrous!! You see that, don't you?

 

Go to bed when you want.... get some sleep!

 

You need to end this but don't say it's because she's not happy.

 

YOU are not happy.

 

You tell her "we need to break up because I am not happy."

 

Period, the end. Bye!

 

She doesn't have a choice. She's a selfish controlling insecure bytch.

 

NEXT!

 

ETA: Blanco thank you for sharing your story. I hope to God the OP can learn from it.

Edited April 28, 2016 by katiegrl

[basil67]

Or, "I need to break up because I am sick and tired of your criticisms"

[angel.eyes]

Why are you walking on eggshells and asking her if she wants to break up? You don't need her permission to break up. If it's not working for you (and it isn't from what you describe), then end it already!

[smackie9]

First off, before dumping her ass, why not just communicate to her what you posted here? How is she to know that she should change if you don't discuss it with her? If she is having anxiety/sleeping issues, then it's a no brainer she needs to seek out medical advice on how to handle it. Lack of sleep/anxiety will make any one go cray cray. I am a sufferer of insomnia, and I know how it gives you a lack of ability to cope with situations, makes you moody, depressed, frustrated, etc.

 

She has a condition, then it's time for her to take responsibility to fix it. Stop being a chicken and talk to her about it. If it doesn't go anywhere, then you know you must part ways.

[Zahara]

Since then she has trouble falling asleep before 01:00 AM. I can fall asleep at 22:30 or 23:30 easily. I try to force myself to stay awake more my body doesn't always cooperate. She tells me that that makes her ask questions about us.

 

And the positive sides about your gf -- it would be nice if things were consistent rather up and down, one extreme to another. Feeling loved one day and walking on eggshells the next. Compliments you one day and dismisses/disregards you and your beliefs the next.

 

You mentioned things were great in the beginning and months later things are going off kilter -- who she really is as a person is slowly emerging. Imagine dating her for a few months and you're feeling this way -- now imagine being married to her.

[tayriley]

it sounds like she is having some serious psychological issues. think back to when you first started dating. was she always this critical of you (but you were too smitten to see it) or is it new? is it possible this started after she had the surgery and couldn't sleep?

 

lack of a good sleep definitely affects a person's mood and can cause irritability and mood swings. has she been taking pain killers? being on or coming off of medication can also cause mood issues.

 

that said, taken at the surface, she is being abusive toward you. you should sit her down and calmly talk to her about it. if she is willing to go to therapy to deal with her anxiety, then you can stay and see if things get better. if she is unwilling to claim any sort of fault for making you feel like ****, then you must break up with her.

 

her asking you to stay awake til 1am everyday is crazy, especially if you have to work or go to school the next day. she is being very selfish asking you to suffer with her. someone who loves another person wants them to be healthy and happy. sure, in a relationship, sometimes you need to sacrifice for the other person, but not every single night!! this is not normal and it's a red flag if she truly feels this way (that you should suffer with her by staying awake).

[Blanco]

I want to add a few things, because your situation does remind me of my own in several ways.

 

Your girlfriend is probably not a BAD person. Mine wasn't, either. Thing is, your partner not being a bad person isn't enough reason to continue the relationship. I struggled a lot with whether to break off things or not for reasons you did: She could be incredibly complimentary. She could be kind, thoughtful, and enjoyable to be around.

 

Despite this, I knew I was probably never going to feel like it was a great fit with her. In addition to the things I described in my first post, it got to a point where I realized she could never be wrong where conflict was concerned. Either I was supposedly being dramatic, irrational, a baby, or whatever she had done was OK because there was something I had done to precede it that was even worse than she what did. It was incredible. There were times where I felt like I was losing my mind. I would be positive I had a clear-cut case against something she had done or not done and somehow, it would get turned on me, and we'd either end in a stalemate, or *I* would be the one having to explain myself.

 

I reached the point of no return a few weeks before we split when she did something to me that, had the tables been turned, no one would've advocated her staying with me. Not only did she not apologize for the incident... she claimed she had not even done it! Only months after we broke up did she, very casually, slip into a conversation about she had in fact done it.

 

I had several years invested into that relationship and it was harder and harder to leave with the more time I dropped in it and the more our lives became one. You've only been with this girl for a few months. Can you imagine what things will be like if you two ever live together? Get married? Have kids? When you're that deep and, in many ways, stuck? How will she treat you THEN?

 

I'm probably projecting a bit of my experiences onto yours, but I feel so much more aware of these things now than I did years ago. I used to see emasculated men with mean wives and I wondered how on earth they got stuck there. That's not a mystery to me any longer.

 

And if you do leave, don't let yourself feel like you were in the wrong when she moves on. Mine snagged a well-to-do man on the heels of his divorce just weeks after I left. They're still together. It took me a while to shake the feeling that *I* had made the mistake of walking away when someone of such high social value had eagerly taken my spot.

[tayriley]

I want to add a few things, because your situation does remind me of my own in several ways.

 

Your girlfriend is probably not a BAD person. Mine wasn't, either. Thing is, your partner not being a bad person isn't enough reason to continue the relationship. I struggled a lot with whether to break off things or not for reasons you did: She could be incredibly complimentary. She could be kind, thoughtful, and enjoyable to be around.

 

Despite this, I knew I was probably never going to feel like it was a great fit with her. In addition to the things I described in my first post, it got to a point where I realized she could never be wrong where conflict was concerned. Either I was supposedly being dramatic, irrational, a baby, or whatever she had done was OK because there was something I had done to precede it that was even worse than she what did. It was incredible. There were times where I felt like I was losing my mind. I would be positive I had a clear-cut case against something she had done or not done and somehow, it would get turned on me, and we'd either end in a stalemate, or *I* would be the one having to explain myself.

 

I reached the point of no return a few weeks before we split when she did something to me that, had the tables been turned, no one would've advocated her staying with me. Not only did she not apologize for the incident... she claimed she had not even done it! Only months after we broke up did she, very casually, slip into a conversation about she had in fact done it.

 

I had several years invested into that relationship and it was harder and harder to leave with the more time I dropped in it and the more our lives became one. You've only been with this girl for a few months. Can you imagine what things will be like if you two ever live together? Get married? Have kids? When you're that deep and, in many ways, stuck? How will she treat you THEN?

 

I'm probably projecting a bit of my experiences onto yours, but I feel so much more aware of these things now than I did years ago. I used to see emasculated men with mean wives and I wondered how on earth they got stuck there. That's not a mystery to me any longer.

 

And if you do leave, don't let yourself feel like you were in the wrong when she moves on. Mine snagged a well-to-do man on the heels of his divorce just weeks after I left. They're still together. It took me a while to shake the feeling that *I* had made the mistake of walking away when someone of such high social value had eagerly taken my spot.

 

Thanks for this story. It's very eye-opening to see it from a male's perspective. You definitely did the right thing leaving that relationship.

[ggas]

Thank you all for the thoughtful replies. I will try to talk to her first. Maybe try some therapy also. Just some info: we've been dating for about a year and moved in together 2 months ago. I feel like I should see if what is happening is a major issue or something fixable. I love her and I do want to make this work. After all it wasn't always like this.

[basil67]

Thank you all for the thoughtful replies. I will try to talk to her first. Maybe try some therapy also. Just some info: we've been dating for about a year and moved in together 2 months ago. I feel like I should see if what is happening is a major issue or something fixable. I love her and I do want to make this work. After all it wasn't always like this.

 

Glad to know you're going to talk about it. Just remember to make it about how you feel and avoid accusatory expressions starting with 'you'

[Eternal Sunshine]

This reminds me so much of my ex that I am angry just by reading it. We lived together and it was exactly what you describe: he wanted us to fall asleep and wake up at the same time. I was never "allowed" to go to bed before or after him or there would be an argument. I never did anything right unless it's exactly the way he does it. He criticized me from how to cut potaotes to how to turn a page in a book. Whenever we disagreed, the only way to resolve an argument was to completely agree with him. I have spent so much time and effort defending myself.

 

It's been over 3 years since it ended but it was my only time I ever lived with a bf. It affected me deeply because I now associate serious relationships with feeling anxious, trapped and suffocated.

 

You really need to walk away, it's only going to get worse from here.

[Popsicle]

Get married to her so you can lock it down.

 

After that you'll realize that she's just a nag.

[joseb]

 

It's been over 3 years since it ended but it was my only time I ever lived with a bf. It affected me deeply because I now associate serious relationships with feeling anxious, trapped and suffocated.

 

You really need to walk away, it's only going to get worse from here.

 

Yeah i had a similar experience. It really does a number on you.

 

OP the more time you spend in this relationship, the worse you will be.

[central]

OP, the criticism means you're not good enough for her, so she's trying to remake you into someone she will like. In the process, she will lose respect for you whether you change or not, so this is a lose-lose relationship.

 

 

Get out now.

[Gaeta]

Thank you all for the thoughtful replies. I will try to talk to her first. Maybe try some therapy also. Just some info: we've been dating for about a year and moved in together 2 months ago. I feel like I should see if what is happening is a major issue or something fixable. I love her and I do want to make this work. After all it wasn't always like this.

 

You will try?

 

That's the wrong state of mind to be in.

 

Don't 'try'. Do it. Talk. Say what you have to say, period. Like K said, don't focus on her happiness but yours. Tell her you are unhappy, you feel on edge, feel criticized, feel controlled.

 

You did not reply to my question when she started being this way? If she started to change when you moved in together then you are seeing the 'real her'. There is a world between dating and living together.