Commitmentphobe or really too fast?

[john_u]

This woman and I were involved in an LDR for about three months. She was everything I wanted: intelligent, beautiful, etc. (Note she is overseas, and there is at least a partial language barrier). Over the course of several weeks, things got more serious: saying I love you very often, very intimate Skype calls.

 

There were some tremendously positive things, we shared so much about our lives and really seemed to connect on many levels.

 

At first, I was completely caught up, as it was very exciting, but soon it all felt a bit overwhelming.About three weeks in there was talk of a 10-day trip together and what might go on after that (i.e. marriage, meeting family, etc). She was also texting me several times a day asking if I loved her, if she was the only one (she was), if she was still my girlfriend, and so on.

I tried on at least one occasion to say I thought it may be moving too fast, but any time I expressed the least bit of hesitancy, that seemed to jump right into “you’re breaking up”. Some of this, I learned, could be chalked up to cultural differences in how affection is expressed.

 

We had a falling out. OK, more like, I was a jerk and fired off the “I need some time” letter, in which I told that is was becoming too much for me and I that don’t love myself very much. I’ve had long standing body image and people pleasing behaviors bordering on codependency and felt like I needed to go to therapy to get myself together (which is 100% true, I’ve functioned at a low level depression with deep spikes down on occasion), and that I shouldn’t be with anyone.

 

I fully understand the letter was a massive douche move, I just didn’t know what else to do. After a few days, with some help from native language speaking friends, we seemed to work it out, she wanted to be with me while I worked on my issues. Things were not quite as heated, more subdued.

 

This morning she asks outright what my plans for us were. During a long texting session back and forth, I reiterated that I felt like I needed to seek therapy for my issues and I didn’t think it was fair to ask her to wait for me. I finally picked up the phone and said the words out loud. She texted me a bit later thanking me for all the happy moments and that she would have stayed. I texted back thanking her and wishing she finds the happiness she deserves and hoping that God protects her.

 

I don’t feel at all good about this, I never intended to hurt or lead anybody on. I can't help feeling as if I've made a massive blunder and wonder whether I should go back. but with this being the second time and more definitive, I don't know that it's possible.

 

I fully understand that I have some serious issues to work out. I don’t fully understand why I can’t just accept love when it’s given. I really feel like I need to get this sorted out before I can be with anybody. It doesn’t change the fact that I hurt someone very special.

 

I have my first therapy session scheduled for a week from now. I can't even imagine how that will go,.

 

I don’t know what response to expect or deserve, but I just had to get this out. Thanks

[basil67]

You don't need therapy. A woman who you have never met was coming on insanely thick and fast and pushy - and your commonsense put the brakes on. I don't suppose she's from a country where women are keen to marry western men for a visa?

 

You dodged a bullet.