Have I been ghosted? Would be good to hear from a guy's perspective!

[Lisa90]

Hi all, I was wondering if you would be so kind as to offer some friendly advice on the following?...

 

I recently met a guy at an evening class, and we instantly hit it off after finding out we had loads in common - e.g hobbies, interests, music taste, sense of humour and outlooks on life etc. At the end of our final lesson, he asked me for a drink, which I agreed to - not really knowing whether it was a platonic or slightly more than platonic thing. About a week later, we met up for these drinks and had a great evening - conversation flowed, no awkward silences, lots of banter and finding out we had even more in common. However, I still couldn’t tell whether he was interested in me as a friend or something slightly more. My main apprehension was the 8 year age gap between us - he’s 32 and I’m 24 - however, I’ve always been quite mature for my age, which I think was part of the reason why we clicked so well. I’m also not that great when it comes to reading signs, especially when it comes to that fine line between guy/girl banter and flirting. Anyway, to cut a long story short,the next time we met, we spent the day exploring art galleries and local markets etc. and had an even better time. On this occasion there was more chemistry, especially on his part e.g. touching my arm and shoulder several times and pulling his chair up to be closer beside me. Later that evening he texted me to say how much fun he had and that we should do it again soon. I texted back saying I had a great time too and that we should definitely do it again soon.

 

So….it’s been five days since my text and I haven’t heard a word from him since. Zilch. Before this, I usually received 2-3 (generally quite flirty/banter-filled) texts from him a day, which is what’s baffling me slightly. He works evening shifts at a restaurant (between 3-11pm) some days, and I get that he’s busy (and probably catching up on sleep during the day!), but surely he could find 30 seconds in his day to text back? I'm just a little baffled as it's gone from 3 texts a day to nothing!

 

This guy isn’t the ‘player’ type at all. In fact he’s a complete gentleman. He’s also quite shy and very modest, and I got the impression that this has held him back in finding love. I just don’t want to end up falling for someone and then end up being ghosted. I’ve had my fair share of relationships with immature a-holes who have messed me around, so meeting this guy was hugely refreshing. I’d hate for him to be the ‘one that got away’.

 

And before you ask, no, I haven’t been sending any OTT or overly-flirtatious texts, I’ve kept it very subdued, with a slight hint of flirtation - as does he (or so he did). I would be genuinely interested to find out from a guy’s perspective whether the age gap thing might be an issue, and if he could be backing off’ because he sees us as being in different stages in our lives? Could I been ghosted? I’ve also considered the possibility that he may have met someone online (he mentioned that he’s dabbled in online dating in the past, but not recently). Or maybe I’m being a typical female and blowing the whole situation out of proportion, and his lack of contact could be down to having a lot on his plate work-wise. In which case, how long do you think I should give it until I text him again? Genuinely baffled!

[Satu]

I'm not a member of the 'don't show interest' school.

 

If you want to see him, do something to make it happen.

 

Text him and suggest a meeting.

 

Don't text him "How is your day going?"

 

Ask him if he'd like to do x on y evening.

 

I don't think that the age gap is too big.

 

 

Take care.

[Lisa90]

I'm not a member of the 'don't show interest' school.

 

If you want to see him, do something to make it happen.

 

Text him and suggest a meeting.

 

Don't text him "How is your day going?"

 

Ask him if he'd like to do x on y evening.

 

I don't think that the age gap is too big.

 

 

Take care.

 

Hey Satu,

 

Thanks for your advice. I guess I need to bite the bullet and just ask him. Deep down I guess I'm just terrified of rejection/the prospect of being ghosted. I probably shouldn't have gotten my hopes up:(

[clia]

Who initiated and planned the second date? You or him?

[Lisa90]

Who initiated and planned the second date? You or him?

 

Hi Clia, it was him who initiated the second date - hence why I'm baffled as to why I've heard nothing since! I guess the deciding factor will be whether or not I hear from him when I send this 'follow up' text.

[alphamale]

Ask him if he'd like to do x on y evening.

and make sure to bring an algebra textbook

[TXGuy]

Hi Clia, it was him who initiated the second date - hence why I'm baffled as to why I've heard nothing since! I guess the deciding factor will be whether or not I hear from him when I send this 'follow up' text.

 

So he has done all of the planning and asking for two dates so far. You also seem to indicate that you have gone out of your way to hide any (much of the) interest you have in him. It doesn't seem like you have even texted him unless it was a response to one of his texts.

 

He likely got the impression that you are not very interested. If was the case, then he doesn't have much motivation to keep at it. For many guys (particularly shy ones) you need to send signs of encouragement to let them know it is ok to keep pursuing.

[basil67]

I think he's backed off because you haven't shown enough interest to initiate any contact. If he is the shy guy you say he is, you will need to hold up your own end of this dating process. He can't do it for the both of you!

 

As far as being terrified of rejection goes.....nobody likes rejection. But when we learn that it doesn't kills us, we get over it and try again. If you fear holds you back from doing stuff, you'll achieve nothing in your life.

[katiegrl]

So he has done all of the planning and asking for two dates so far. You also seem to indicate that you have gone out of your way to hide any (much of the) interest you have in him. It doesn't seem like you have even texted him unless it was a response to one of his texts.

 

He likely got the impression that you are not very interested. If was the case, then he doesn't have much motivation to keep at it. For many guys (particularly shy ones) you need to send signs of encouragement to let them know it is ok to keep pursuing.

 

See below for more clarity.

 

Anyway, to cut a long story short,the next time we met, we spent the day exploring art galleries and local markets etc. and had an even better time. On this occasion there was more chemistry, especially on his part e.g. touching my arm and shoulder several times and pulling his chair up to be closer beside me. Later that evening he texted me to say how much fun he had and that we should do it again soon. I texted back saying I had a great time too and that we should definitely do it again soon.

 

 

She hasn't heard from him since....

 

OP I'm sorry, I think he lost interest for whatever reason.

 

You had a couple of dates, it happens.

 

No I don't think he is waiting for you to ask HIM out.

 

You replied back letting him know you'd definitely like to get together again. Soon.

 

If he were into you, he'd be jumping all over that.

 

He still may respond though. Don't wait around, keep your options open.

 

When/if he contacts you, see how you feel then.

[SomethingToSay]

I think he lost interest or has interest in someone else. Guys who are heavily interested and pursuing girls dont just drop off the earth after daily textung before that. I dont think its bc you showed too little interest either. You clearly told him you definitely wanted to go out.

 

There are hundreds of threads on here like this. Just brush it off snd move ahead. You hadnt developed a close relationshio or anything after 2 dates.

 

Also, dont assume bc hes a gentlemen hes not a player. Or that bc he seems shy and reserved that hes not a player. He may or may not be but dont make assumptions like that. Players come in all shapes and forms. Being "shy" is one of their biggest get ups.

[joseb]

I'd say he is only moderately interested. Which is not unusual after only two dates. With nothing physical.

 

Sure, he may also have other options. It's the done thing these days isn't it?

 

If you are interested I don't see the harm texting him (with a date suggestion).

[dumbass2]

"I texted back saying I had a great time too and that we should definitely do it again soon."

 

So this is the last text you have sent him and it was after the second date and it's been 5 days and neither of you have sent a text to the other? I just want to be clear on that.

 

Rule of thumb with texting someone, never send more than 2 unanswered texts and they should be spaced out by at least 3-5 days while you give the person a reasonable chance to respond. You've given it plenty of time since the last text, so it's ok to send one last one. Never mention anything about him not responding to your first text. That's over and done with.

[katiegrl]

I'd say he is only moderately interested. Which is not unusual after only two dates. With nothing physical.

 

Sure, he may also have other options. It's the done thing these days isn't it?

 

If you are interested I don't see the harm texting him (with a date suggestion).

 

I would recommend that too.... only IF she won't feel worse than she does now if he ignores that text too.... or comes up with some excuse not to go.

 

OP, if you think you will feel worse than you do now if those things occur.... don't text him/make a date suggestion.... exercise some patience, keep options open, and if and when he ever contacts you, see how you feel then.

 

Again he ALREADY knows you are interested in seeing him again. If he's is too, he will contact you.

 

Don't push and don't chase. RELAX.... and let the chips fall where they may.

Edited April 27, 2016 by katiegrl

[Shining One]

I would recommend that too.... only IF she won't feel worse than she does now if he ignores that text too.... or comes up with some excuse not to go.

 

OP, if you think you will feel worse than you do now if those things occur.... don't text him/make a date suggestion.... exercise some patience, keep options open, and if and when he ever contacts you, see how you feel then.

I disagree with the "don't do it if it might hurt" advice. No one enjoys being rejected. It hurts. It hurts less the more you experience it.

 

Would you advise someone to not work out because they would feel worse afterwards than if they didn't work out? I think not.

[katiegrl]

I disagree with the "don't do it if it might hurt" advice. No one enjoys being rejected. It hurts. It hurts less the more you experience it.

 

Would you advise someone to not work out because they would feel worse afterwards than if they didn't work out? I think not.

 

No, if they had never worked out or hadn't worked out in a while... I would advise "no pain no gain"!

 

However, if a person had already worked out and was in pain because of that work out, I would advise them NOT to work out.... if that work out would result in them feeling more pain. Or worse than they did prior to the work out.

 

Point is... OP already replied to his text. She already told him she was interested. He never responded back. In fact, he hasn't responded in five days.

 

She already feels bad and hurt because of it.

 

So no I am not going to advise someone who already feels bad (and hurt) to repeat a behavior that might result in them feeling worse than they did prior to engaging in the same behavior that caused them to feel bad and hurt in the first place.

Edited April 28, 2016 by katiegrl

[Lisa90]

So he has done all of the planning and asking for two dates so far. You also seem to indicate that you have gone out of your way to hide any (much of the) interest you have in him. It doesn't seem like you have even texted him unless it was a response to one of his texts.

 

He likely got the impression that you are not very interested. If was the case, then he doesn't have much motivation to keep at it. For many guys (particularly shy ones) you need to send signs of encouragement to let them know it is ok to keep pursuing.

 

Hi everyone,

 

Thanks for all the feedback/advice. It's been interesting to read all your different perspectives. My confusion stems from the fact he's the one who's initiated our meet-ups, and we had a great time on each occasion.His last text seemed to indicate that he had a really great time and is interested in meeting up more. As for me not acting interested - that's definitely not the case! There was a lot of subtle flirting on both sides. There could be a perfectly feasible explanation - maybe he's been mega-busy at work and tired - but even then, it's been 5 days! Also in this Tinder/online dating age, he could well be talking to other girls, but even then that shouldn't be a reason for him to suddenly cut off contact, as we are (or at least were) very 'matey'. I think I'm just over-thinking it and driving myself mad! As you are all saying, the only way I can find out is by sending this damn text already - which I will do today. Hopefully put my mind at rest! I'll keep you posted on how it goes!

[SwordofFlame]

Hi everyone,

 

Thanks for all the feedback/advice. It's been interesting to read all your different perspectives. My confusion stems from the fact he's the one who's initiated our meet-ups, and we had a great time on each occasion.His last text seemed to indicate that he had a really great time and is interested in meeting up more. As for me not acting interested - that's definitely not the case! There was a lot of subtle flirting on both sides. There could be a perfectly feasible explanation - maybe he's been mega-busy at work and tired - but even then, it's been 5 days! Also in this Tinder/online dating age, he could well be talking to other girls, but even then that shouldn't be a reason for him to suddenly cut off contact, as we are (or at least were) very 'matey'. I think I'm just over-thinking it and driving myself mad! As you are all saying, the only way I can find out is by sending this damn text already - which I will do today. Hopefully put my mind at rest! I'll keep you posted on how it goes!

 

Maybe a little too subtle.

[katiegrl]

Hi everyone,

 

Thanks for all the feedback/advice. It's been interesting to read all your different perspectives. My confusion stems from the fact he's the one who's initiated our meet-ups, and we had a great time on each occasion.His last text seemed to indicate that he had a really great time and is interested in meeting up more. As for me not acting interested - that's definitely not the case! There was a lot of subtle flirting on both sides. There could be a perfectly feasible explanation - maybe he's been mega-busy at work and tired - but even then, it's been 5 days! Also in this Tinder/online dating age, he could well be talking to other girls, but even then that shouldn't be a reason for him to suddenly cut off contact, as we are (or at least were) very 'matey'. I think I'm just over-thinking it and driving myself mad! As you are all saying, the only way I can find out is by sending this damn text already - which I will do today. Hopefully put my mind at rest! I'll keep you posted on how it goes!

 

What do you plan on texting him? Just curious.

 

If you feel good doing that ... and if it would give you clarity, go for it!

 

Good luck. Keep us posted!

[Lisa90]

Maybe a little too subtle.

 

I don't think it was tbh. I think I got the right balance of banter/flirtiness without being too OTT. In any case, would not being flirty enough be a good enough reason to 'ghost' someone? I really need to stop over-thinking this! I've texted him so the ball's in his court now.

[Lisa90]

What do you plan on texting him? Just curious.

 

If you feel good doing that ... and if it would give you clarity, go for it!

 

Good luck. Keep us posted!

 

Hi Katiegrl,

 

I texted him earlier just asking how he was and whether he's still up for the theatre trip he suggested. Left it at that. I'll give it another 48 hours before I give up hope! Lesson learned: don't get my hopes up so soon. We clicked so well on a platonic level (if not more), which is so rare to find nowadays, especially with all the dating apps/social media culture. I will be genuinely gutted if I don't hear from him again.

 

Thanks for your good luck wishes:). Expect to hear from me in 48 hours!

[katiegrl]

Hi Katiegrl,

 

I texted him earlier just asking how he was and whether he's still up for the theatre trip he suggested. Left it at that. I'll give it another 48 hours before I give up hope! Lesson learned: don't get my hopes up so soon. We clicked so well on a platonic level (if not more), which is so rare to find nowadays, especially with all the dating apps/social media culture. I will be genuinely gutted if I don't hear from him again.

 

Thanks for your good luck wishes:). Expect to hear from me in 48 hours!

 

Oh hun, don't say you will be gutted. This is so very common, just read this board.

 

People get interested, then lose interest. There is no rhyme or reason for it.... it could be anything. I mean no matter how well YOU think it's all going, or how well it even went for the first few dates.... you never know what going on in someone's else's head (and heart).

 

It would be nice if everyone who wasn't "feeling it" informed each other of that.... but many people choose to just disappear pretty much hope and expect the other person to get the message. I hope that is not what happened here though.

 

In any event, fingers crossed he replies back! Before 48 hours!!

Edited April 28, 2016 by katiegrl

[Lisa90]

Oh hun, don't say you will be gutted. This is so very common, just read this board.

 

People get interested, then lose interest. There is no rhyme or reason for it.... it could be anything. I mean no matter how well YOU think it's all going, or how well it even went for the first few dates.... you never know what going on in someone's else's head (and heart).

 

It would be nice if everyone who wasn't "feeling it" informed each other of that.... but many people choose to just disappear pretty much hope and expect the other person to get the message. I hope that is not what happened here though.

 

In any event, fingers crossed he replies back! Before 48 hours!!

 

Hi Kate,

 

Thanks for your kind words . If only I knew what was going on inside his head. If it is a worst case scenario and he's not interested, I would rather he would come straight out with it. I can handle blunt honesty better than being left to dangle. Even if we just stay as friends and nothing more, I'm more than happy with that. All I'm asking for is a bit of contact!!

 

x

[katiegrl]

Hi Kate,

 

Thanks for your kind words . If only I knew what was going on inside his head. If it is a worst case scenario and he's not interested, I would rather he would come straight out with it. I can handle blunt honesty better than being left to dangle. Even if we just stay as friends and nothing more, I'm more than happy with that. All I'm asking for is a bit of contact!!

 

x

 

Oh I know it's hard, especially when on your date, you really seemed to click.

 

But there was only that one date, correct? Tons of texting prior but still, just the one date?

 

After one date, when someone doesn't wish to pursue further, it's pretty standard practice to simply not call/text again.

 

I am not sure if it's even considering ghosting after only one date. I mean, you really hadn't established anything for him to ghost from.

 

Perhaps you allowed yourself to get a little too emotionally invested in this one ..... too soon?

 

Do you think he could have sensed that?

 

I dunno just speculating. Again, I know it's hard.

 

In dating though, you just gotta learn to take it all in stride. And not let it get to ya so much, especially so early on.

 

People come and people go. They get interested, and then poof lose interest.

 

No rhyme or reason.

 

BTW, how long ago did you text him (the one today)?

 

JMO, but I think it's rude. Since you texted him asking to see him, he should at least have the courtesy of replying back yay or nay.

 

Five seconds! That's all it takes.

 

But maybe he's in a meeting or something, but definitely some time today IMO.

 

Hang in!

[Lisa90]

Oh I know it's hard, especially when on your date, you really seemed to click.

 

But there was only that one date, correct? Tons of texting prior but still, just the one date?

 

After one date, when someone doesn't wish to pursue further, it's pretty standard practice to simply not call/text again.

 

I am not sure if it's even considering ghosting after only one date. I mean, you really hadn't established anything for him to ghost from.

 

Perhaps you allowed yourself to get a little too emotionally invested in this one ..... too soon?

 

Do you think he could have sensed that?

 

I dunno just speculating. Again, I know it's hard.

 

In dating though, you just gotta learn to take it all in stride. And not let it get to ya so much, especially so early on.

 

People come and people go. They get interested, and then poof lose interest.

 

No rhyme or reason.

 

BTW, how long ago did you text him (the one today)?

 

JMO, but I think it's rude. Since you texted him asking to see him, he should at least have the courtesy of replying back yay or nay.

 

Five seconds! That's all it takes.

 

But maybe he's in a meeting or something, but definitely some time today IMO.

 

Hang in!

 

 

It's so frustrating! Technically it was two meet ups, and both went seamlessly. Loads of laughing and just finding out how much more we had in common. Prior to meeting up, he would send me loads of chatty emails, just telling me more about himself, his job and life in general. Thing is, after our second 'date' (this last weekend), he texted me half an hour afterwards to say how much fun he had, and that we should arrange this theatre trip soon. I then responded by saying how much fun I had too, and and that I would definitely be up for seeing a show. And that's when it all stopped!

 

I agree, it was probably foolish of me to get so emotionally invested early on, but I guess it was me doing the typical girl thing of thinking 'wow, a good-looking gentlemanly guy whose making a beeline for me. This never happens!'. Also the fact we had SO much in common made it even better. Anyway, I guess my only option is to move on and cut my losses if I hear nothing.

 

I texted him at around 4ish today, haven't heard anything back, but think he might be working a late shift. That's exactly my issue - it only takes 5 secs to send a message! Funny thing is he mentioned that one of his bugbears was people who don't reply to messages

 

I'm hoping I've just hyped myself up and that he's just been swamped with work this whole time. Anyway, plenty more fish in the sea as they say - only problem is I seem to come across more pondscum than I do fish!

[joseb]

Hi Kate,

 

Thanks for your kind words . If only I knew what was going on inside his head. If it is a worst case scenario and he's not interested, I would rather he would come straight out with it. I can handle blunt honesty better than being left to dangle. Even if we just stay as friends and nothing more, I'm more than happy with that. All I'm asking for is a bit of contact!!

 

x

 

It's one/two dates, where there was no kissing. It's not unusual for someone to decide they are not interested. Whether this is because they just didn't feel it or they thought the other person wasn't open or they have a better prospect or whatever, it's not worth worrying too much about.

 

You say you would prefer he come straight out with it, but I can tell you that every single time I have tried that the person goes into defensive/argumentative/pleading mode.

So after one date I now just leave it if I'm not interested. I'm tired of the drama.