Being the OW

[ChickiePops]

This thread hits a nerve for me as I was abandoned in a similar way years ago.

 

Sneaking out while she's not there is repulsive. If I were dating a guy and I found out he did that to someone I'd lose all respect and attraction to him. I like men who act like men.

 

Say what you want about soulmates, I'm sure his girlfriend feels the same way..and she's getting a knife in the back after 15 years.

 

These are not the actions of a 'sweet guy', these are the actions of a selfish jerk who is completely unconcerned about anyone else's needs or feelings but his own and will do anything to avoid confrontation. He claims to not want to hurt her and yet he's choosing to break up with her in the cruelest, most pain-inflicting way possible.

 

Take it from someone who still bears scars..she will never fully recover from this..and you can expect lots of issues to arise in your own relationship because of his fear of confrontation.

 

I really hope he grows a pair and does the right thing.

[ladydesigner]

The thing that I would be evaluating here, were I you, is this... is this man really a suitable partner for me? Do I want someone who cannot have the hard conversations? Is this how he conducts himself in business? At home?

 

I would spend the rest of my days with this person wondering if he really wants to be with me or is just too afraid to tell me he doesn't.

 

Exactly! So far from what I read I don't think this man is a suitable partner for anyone and the leaving a note to break off a 15 year relationship is a BIG RED FLAG for a partner.

[snowy1]

So his attitude towards her has only changed in the last couple of weeks? Since he's been with you. If they had problems prior to this why haven't they been discussed ?

 

I sense there's something he isn't telling you. It's like he's preparing you for him not leaving her...by saying stuff like "the only reason he won't leave is if..blah blah blah " and that she may cause trouble at work for him. BTW what kind of company divulge their employee's address to callers?

 

He's also telling you about the fight she got in with the ex..so that when he doesn't leave he'll say it was for your protection ... as she threatened to harm you.

 

If he really didn want her to go crazy then he'd move to a place on his own and let things settle.

 

Please come back and update us. ...but I don't think it will go smoothly for the two of them.

 

As others have said..He's ready to sneak out after 15 years with her ...what has she done to deserve that ?

 

Hi and thanks for your message.

 

I spoke to him on the phone and asked him could he not just tell her face to face but he is saying that because she never lets him get a word in edgeways he knows she wouldn't listen to him, he said although he has just plodded along in the relationship he wants out.

 

He said on the phone he s not bothered what she might say or do to him and more concerned about me.

 

He seems ready to leave,said he hates being at home and told me what he plans to do next week such as make a few calls at mine and do some grocery shopping etc.

 

I realise it is a cowards way out what he is doing but I suppose some people just can't seem to get the confidence to confront their partner, especially when they are aware of what the person is like.

 

For instance he said that unless everything is going her way she's not happy, doesn't value his opinions and is very controlling.

 

But who am I to know, I just listen.

 

I will be back to update next week, wish me luck

[snowy1]

Realistically, do you truly believe he's just going to up and leave aka pack his stuff and sneak out/move out and then what? He's going to move in with you? What about the house? Their finances, the kids? Sure they may not have children together but each of them are step parents and they are a family, regardless if the kids aren't living at home. What about the rest of the family, in laws, and life in general?

 

To just up and leave, then start a new life with you seems over the top and unhealthy. How does one just adjust and move on so quickly?

 

I'd tell him that you're willing to wait for a certain amount of time to allow him to make plans and sort out their break up and once he's moved out and ON his own by himself, then you'll 'date' him in a proper way. You don't want him moving in with you, chances are he's going to go back home to his partner. Common law wife actually.

 

 

Hi, unfortunately his partner has never welcomed his kids into their home and they rent the property from the local authority and there are no financial ties except for a couple of bills which are in his name.

 

We did have a chat about him finding his own place first as I found the idea of him moving straight in with me too sudden but then my mind changed back to him moving in with me.

[imperfectangel]

Why would you ever want to be with a man like this?! Sounds like he's just caught up in the excitement of new "love" and tbh I think once reality hits he'll be going back to her.

 

Look at the way he is treating someone that he has spent the last 15 years with - what makes you think you won't come home to a note one day?

 

Most OW here (myself included) though we were soul mates with our MM all you have to do is read this board to see how most stories turn out

[snowy1]

"she got into a fight with an ex of his"?

 

What is his relationship history and what was the rght about?

 

Hi I don't know the ins and outs but I know he was with his first partner for a few years, had children and just drifted apart and arguing all the time over money amongst other things.

 

He then met the woman he is living with now but said it was never true love.

 

I really don't know to believe but he tells me all the time that we need to be honest with each other he actually said to me did I worry that he would be unfaithful to me because of whats happened and that he would never do that to me etc etc, its the chance Im willing to take for love I suppose

[snowy1]

This thread hits a nerve for me as I was abandoned in a similar way years ago.

 

Sneaking out while she's not there is repulsive. If I were dating a guy and I found out he did that to someone I'd lose all respect and attraction to him. I like men who act like men.

 

Say what you want about soulmates, I'm sure his girlfriend feels the same way..and she's getting a knife in the back after 15 years.

 

These are not the actions of a 'sweet guy', these are the actions of a selfish jerk who is completely unconcerned about anyone else's needs or feelings but his own and will do anything to avoid confrontation. He claims to not want to hurt her and yet he's choosing to break up with her in the cruelest, most pain-inflicting way possible.

 

Take it from someone who still bears scars..she will never fully recover from this..and you can expect lots of issues to arise in your own relationship because of his fear of confrontation.

 

I really hope he grows a pair and does the right thing.

 

Hi ChickiePops, I can understand you have been hurt in the past and must be difficult for you to have to read stories like mine.

 

This is mainly the reason I have come on here, to hear others opinions and help me get the strength to do the right thing as I know it's all wrong.

 

Maybe part of me hopes he doesn't leave so I can move on and get back to my old non complicated life. Who knows

[ladydesigner]

Hi I don't know the ins and outs but I know he was with his first partner for a few years, had children and just drifted apart and arguing all the time over money amongst other things.

 

He then met the woman he is living with now but said it was never true love.

 

I really don't know to believe but he tells me all the time that we need to be honest with each other he actually said to me did I worry that he would be unfaithful to me because of whats happened and that he would never do that to me etc etc, its the chance Im willing to take for love I suppose

 

You are taking a HUGE chance and one that will affect you for the rest of your life. MM talking/telling is what they do best. It works until the action part, which is what you need to be paying close attention to.

 

The woman he is living with he spent 15 years with for it not to be true love, that's a long time and I am doubting his words. Plus I do not believe in 'tru wuv' anyway but that is me.

 

Word not actions should be your motto.

 

Most MM that leave for the OW do so right away or make clear cut plans to do so and follow through with them. There are some OW here who have married their MM. I hope they can come in to offer their side as well.

[sandylee1]

I take it you're in the UK from something you mentioned earlier?

We have the DPA (data protection act ) and giving his home address would be a breach of that. Any organisation is well aware of that.

 

I know you are all loved up at the moment... but his actions are a sign of how he'll behave when things aren't hunky dory between the two of you. Nothing anyone tells you will make you believe otherwise, but to plod along and waste 15 good years of your life.... isn't a good sign at all.

 

Are you sure he just doesn't want to pay rent and have all the living expenses on his shoulders? After a one month relationship he wants to move in with you? That would be too soon even if he didn't already have a GF.... but it's especially the case for him.

 

How well do you REALLY know him?

[SomethingToSay]

What made your opinion change from not wanting him to move in, to now you want him to move in?

 

 

Also...the part about his GF not letting his children into their home. This is so typical MM. Same with her being controlling, awful etc. Textbook MM. At worst its a flat out lie. At best its true and hes a pathetic coward who wasted 15 yrs of his life.

 

Bottom line this is a bad choice for you anyway you look at it.

 

I also have a suspicion if he does move in it will be for a vacation or short break then back to the 15 yr GF

[anika99]

Lets recap briefly:

 

He says his partner never welcomed his children into the home.

 

He says he never felt true love for his partner.

 

So what you are saying is that he chose a woman he didn't love over his own children. His kids have never been welcome in his house for 15 yrs because he wanted to be with a woman he didn't really love....

 

Furthermore his excuses for not telling her he is leaving are really lame. He can't get a word in edgewise? haha...all he has to do is walk up to her and say I'm leaving you. If she then wants to rant and not let him get a word in who cares? He can just start packing up and loading up his sh*t while she talks away.

 

I don't know how old you are but either you are very young or very swept up in a fantasy. He's just going to walk away from a 15 yr relationship right into shacking up with you, a person he has only been seeing for a month, and his partner is just going to disappear from his life forever and he will never miss her or mourn or have anything to do with her ever again? Do you really believe this is going turn out well?

 

Well I guess you will find out soon enough. The only thing I will say is that if he does really leave at least he didn't spend years in an affair and cheating like so many do. I wish you the best.

[whichwayisup]

So you believe every single thing he's told you about his R at home and are eating up all the negative things he says about her. The thought hasn't occurred to you that he's lying and exaggerating, bending the truth so he looks like an angel? Chances are much of what he's told you isn't true. Especially the part about the kids not being welcome.

 

Good luck with him moving in right away...Sadly I think you're fooling yourself if you think you two are gonna ride into the sunset together. Please just keep one foot on the ground and the eyes open otherwise you will be the one really hurt.

[ShatteredLady]

Oh really? Come on! You wrote this....

 

"The only thing that could possibly get in the way is if she doesn't go out as planned on the day but then he said if that happens he'll wait until the following day.

 

He said she has noticed a change in him in the last two weeks which has created an atmosphere at home."

 

....Not a single member has said that sneaking out after 15 years is anything but incredibly cruel & heartless. You must know this is true!! Can you imagine that happening to you?

 

Also, leaving because there's an "atmosphere" in the last 2 weeks? He's cheating on her! Of course there's an atmosphere! She KNOWS him so she can instinctively feel that something is wrong. Does that sound like a completely broken relationship?

 

I'm afraid that this is a grass is greener, midlife crisis, little boy running away because his reasons for leaving, "I'm shagging someone else" are too weak to say out loud.

 

Oh please think about this. You're destroying a woman's life. She will never recover from walking into a dark house with a note on the table after 15 YEARS of her life!

[Cymbeline]

'He has decided to leave when she heads out for work and leave her a note which I know is a cowards way out but I can't really force him to change that. He's had enough thinking time.'

 

You can't force him to change that? You probably can actually. And in any case you can certainly make sure you are not party to his heinous behaviour.

[stilltrying16]

snowy, I actually think you are being cautious and you are not willing to give over your freedom and sanity and maybe other things you value- and for a man who is NOT currently in a position to offer you a thing. He shouldn't be promising you even a promise- he's in no position to fulfill it.

 

If he truly wants to protect you, then he will extricate himself from his relationship on his own. As others have said, he needs to find an apartment, adjust to a new life without her, and only then try to start up a relationship with you. I don't see any credible evidence so far that his OW is unstable. But if she is, it's all the more reason for him to keep you clear of her- and the best way to do that is not make your apartment the next stop after he leaves! You should never have been dragged into this mess- not even as a confidant- while it is unresolved. And it was he, not she, who dragged you in. He should now go out of his way to fix his life without counting on you. That would be the way to protect you.

 

The more details you reveal on being asked for them here, the more strange and indefensible his behavior seems. Not just to her, but also to you.

 

I do applaud you for being skeptical, for responding to all the posts here so thoughtfully and without resentment. I see you wanting to be cautious and realistic & that you are aware of your vulnerabililites when he tries to pull you in. At times you might not have the energy to resist. But as soon as that happens, pull away, come here and post, regroup, switch your attention to something that absorbs all your focus. Take time out. You're going to be fine.

 

Please read some of the threads here about NC and how people accomplished it. It isn't easy, but it can be done minute by minute. I think those threads are inspiring.

 

I felt for you when you said you wish you could go back to an "uncomplicated life." I wish that for you. I think you will achieve it on your own.

 

And finally, I think it is so sweet of you to reply to each post individually, and I can't even imagine how much time that would take. Speaking for myself, feel free not to respond directly- feel free to include me in a group email.

 

I haven't spoken to the question of how terrible his behavior is to his partner, because many posts have already addressed that so well. Just one question: did he cheat on his ex with his current girlfriend? And now he wants to cheat on his girlfriend with you? Maybe not- but I did wonder.

Edited April 27, 2016 by stilltrying16

[stilltrying16]

oops- I meant "group post" not "group email." Sorry!

[Cloudcuckoo]

No he hasn't told her, he was thinking about it and telling her beforehand face to face but he seems to just want to leave her a letter explaining.

 

He said that for the 8 years we have known each other he knew he always wanted to be with me.

 

She is quite a reserved person but can be very feisty so I think he is scared of what may happen if he told her face to face.

 

Leave her a 'dear John' letter! After 15 years?!?!......

 

 

What an awful and terribly cowardly way to repay loyalty ........

[ShatteredLady]

Can I ask how old the 2 of you are?

 

Have you met his gf in the 8 years you've been friends? Does he never bring her out to socialize?

 

Has he always given the impression that she's such a terrible person & he's so miserable at home? Has he ever mentioned his relationship in 8 years?

 

If he's loved you so much for 8 years & he's been in a horrible unloving relationship for all that time why hasn't he left her & asked you to date him before a month ago?

 

 

I understand that you're all loved-up at the moment. Would you normally let a man move in after a month? (No judgements. Me & my H moved in together the first week. That was 26 years ago)

 

Please be careful here. A man even considering sneaking away without discussing it is the same kind of man who WILL be seeing her to talk after you're together....will he have the guts to tell you what happens between them?

 

Please be prepared. Protect your heart. You don't present yourself as the kind of woman who would be happy with a pathetic weak man like this. I HATE what he's planning on doing to her. She's a human being & deserves common decency.

[Lady Hamilton]

Hi and thanks for your reply

 

The only thing that makes me doubt him leaving is that he is such a sweet guy that he has said doesn't want to hurt her and is bit nervous about her coming after him or coming to his work etc and then he thinks I will resent him if she causes a lot of trouble.

 

I'm 99% certain he is going to leave as he tells me again and again that he has to follow his heart and think of himself and his happiness for once rather than everyone else.

 

I'm pretty much geared up to the fact that if doesn't leave then I will cut all contact until he does and I think that really scared him last week.

 

My ex-husband wasn't my favorite person in the world, but I really didn't want to hurt him. However, the want to not be with him outweighed that and I did.

 

And I was nervous about him showing up at my work as well, though basically because I thought he'd got that far to get me as a captive audience for a talk. I pulled my boss aside and said "Listen, I'm getting a divorce, it's not going well, if he shows up I'm doing X, Y, and Z to avoid confrontation. It's no worth calling the police for, but if you could encourage him to move along and/or not let him back to see me, that would rock."

 

My current husband... Well, his abusive ex did track him down at work to cause a scene. My husband also told his boss what the scoop was and she was politely re-directed out the door.

 

The point is these are not insurmountable things. It's an inconvenience, but it's potentially part of the payment for ending a relationship. If you want out bad enough, you change tactics and you prepare yourself, you don't just not do it.

 

Him telling you again and again that he has to for his happiness, etc etc... Are we sure he's telling you this to ease your fears or to ease his? It could go either way... He could be convincing himself.

 

To be totally straight, his leaving because he's afraid of NC... Honestly, that's not how it should go. Again, presumably he's leaving to be with you, which means not only is your relationship foundation an affair but also fear. The former is hard enough to overcome, the latter is virtually impossible. And it's also the most unsteady reason for leaving ever.

 

At some point, he may not fear not seeing you again. Then what?

 

The Dear John letter he's leaving his wife... That's his deal, not yours, and if that's how he's going to do it then you're not really in a position to tell him he's doing it wrong. At some point, it seems like you're a puppeteer if you tell him that he has to leave or you go NC, you're tired of waiting, you want your life with him... But wait, you left wrong so leave better. I wouldn't touch that issue with a 10 foot pole.

 

I know somebody will say that if he does it to her that he'll do it to you, but that's not necessarily true. Could it be? Sure. But different people and different dynamics elicit different reactions. It is your first lesson that there will be plenty cheering on the sidelines for you to fail before you start, so just work on focusing on what's going on in your world than the death bells of the anonymous onlooker.

[Bufo]

Please remember that you are not just getting him if he forges ahead with his plan, but also a relationship with his children. How old are they? Do they know you exist?

 

You better do some quick but thorough research into step-parenting. Because if that fails, he might leave you a similar note.

 

You need a plan. For introduction to these kids who I assume are older than 15 and not adaptable little kids. They aren't going to be bribed with a trip to Disneyworld.

 

Not trying to bring you down, but I wonder if a time of solitary living introducing you into a new blended family arrangement might not be in everybody's interest.

 

I suspect others here can speak from hard won experience. And more knowledgeably than I can.

[2016forme]

Wow! I have never heard a story or experience like this until now.

 

This is going to take some serious self reflection and some real deep soul searching.

 

You have to look out for yourself. Ask yourself what do you really want to accomplish from this relatiionship?

 

Are you truly in love? Do you guys really know each other?

 

If your man moves out from his former lady? Where else is he going? You mentioned that they have been cohabitating with each other for the past fifteen years.

 

You may think you are in love. Until real life settles in.

 

Are you really concerned about what is happening between your male friend and his significant other?

 

I mean is he really ready to give up his comfortable lifestyle to be with you? What can you offer to him that his significant other doesn't have?

 

Do you know each other's likes/dislikes. ..pet peeves?

 

Your guy has to be ready and mature enough before jumping into any relationship with anyone. If your guy is not ready, then things may not work out for you.

 

You and your guy have to be psychologically, and emotionally prepared for what you're getting yourselves into.

 

Don't make your move too soon! Give yourself time to think things over because it is one thing being "soul mates that are meant for each other". Then it is something different altogether hopping from one relationship to another.

 

The other lady who is your male friend'significant other may not disappear especially if money is involved. Your guy friend may not be ready to walk away just yet.

[snowy1]

You are taking a HUGE chance and one that will affect you for the rest of your life. MM talking/telling is what they do best. It works until the action part, which is what you need to be paying close attention to.

 

The woman he is living with he spent 15 years with for it not to be true love, that's a long time and I am doubting his words. Plus I do not believe in 'tru wuv' anyway but that is me.

 

Word not actions should be your motto.

 

Most MM that leave for the OW do so right away or make clear cut plans to do so and follow through with them. There are some OW here who have married their MM. I hope they can come in to offer their side as well.

 

"Most MM that leave for the OW do so right away or make clear cut plans to do so and follow through with them".

 

This is exactly why I would not be prepared to wait and wait and wait around putting my life on hold and prolonging the pain until he leaves to be with me.

 

Having researched similar situations it seems that most MM who do leave, do so within the first couple of months

[Arieswoman]

Having researched similar situations it seems that most MM who do leave, do so within the first couple of months

 

Yes, that has been my conclusion from talking to women I know.

[snowy1]

I take it you're in the UK from something you mentioned earlier?

We have the DPA (data protection act ) and giving his home address would be a breach of that. Any organisation is well aware of that.

 

I know you are all loved up at the moment... but his actions are a sign of how he'll behave when things aren't hunky dory between the two of you. Nothing anyone tells you will make you believe otherwise, but to plod along and waste 15 good years of your life.... isn't a good sign at all.

 

Are you sure he just doesn't want to pay rent and have all the living expenses on his shoulders? After a one month relationship he wants to move in with you? That would be too soon even if he didn't already have a GF.... but it's especially the case for him.

 

How well do you REALLY know him?

 

I understand what you are saying and I'm not that naive to not notice any signs that tell me that he is not being truthful to himself and to me.

 

We spend about 3 hours on the phone each day, when we meet up he tells me how much he wants to be with me and actually counts down the days until he is with me fully without me having mentioned it.

 

He was extremely emotional when we were last together because he hates leaving me.

 

I know this all might sound a bit pathetic to some people but sometimes I believe we have to take risks in life and if it isn't meant to be then yes it will be painful but I will dust myself off and vow to never get into this situation again.

 

We have known each other a good few years now and after many failed attempts of exploring further of what might be (mainly on my part) I have decided to let myself go and follow my heart.

[snowy1]

snowy, I actually think you are being cautious and you are not willing to give over your freedom and sanity and maybe other things you value- and for a man who is NOT currently in a position to offer you a thing. He shouldn't be promising you even a promise- he's in no position to fulfill it.

 

If he truly wants to protect you, then he will extricate himself from his relationship on his own. As others have said, he needs to find an apartment, adjust to a new life without her, and only then try to start up a relationship with you. I don't see any credible evidence so far that his OW is unstable. But if she is, it's all the more reason for him to keep you clear of her- and the best way to do that is not make your apartment the next stop after he leaves! You should never have been dragged into this mess- not even as a confidant- while it is unresolved. And it was he, not she, who dragged you in. He should now go out of his way to fix his life without counting on you. That would be the way to protect you.

 

The more details you reveal on being asked for them here, the more strange and indefensible his behavior seems. Not just to her, but also to you.

 

I do applaud you for being skeptical, for responding to all the posts here so thoughtfully and without resentment. I see you wanting to be cautious and realistic & that you are aware of your vulnerabililites when he tries to pull you in. At times you might not have the energy to resist. But as soon as that happens, pull away, come here and post, regroup, switch your attention to something that absorbs all your focus. Take time out. You're going to be fine.

 

Please read some of the threads here about NC and how people accomplished it. It isn't easy, but it can be done minute by minute. I think those threads are inspiring.

 

I felt for you when you said you wish you could go back to an "uncomplicated life." I wish that for you. I think you will achieve it on your own.

 

And finally, I think it is so sweet of you to reply to each post individually, and I can't even imagine how much time that would take. Speaking for myself, feel free not to respond directly- feel free to include me in a group email.

 

I haven't spoken to the question of how terrible his behavior is to his partner, because many posts have already addressed that so well. Just one question: did he cheat on his ex with his current girlfriend? And now he wants to cheat on his girlfriend with you? Maybe not- but I did wonder.

 

Hi and thanks for your detailed reply, I know everyone will have different opinions and that some of these are based on personal experiences so there is no point in me responding aggressively because each set of circumstances is different and some people will be bitter towards an ex which will automatically mean they will disagree with my situation.

 

He told me that he and his previous ex separated some time before he got with current partner and it was only when they filed for divorce some time later that he met her.

The problem was more to do with the fact that his ex knew of his partner and didn't want the kids going there, I think that is what caused the tension between his partner and his kids as they were probably brain washed as it were.