Elle2016 Posted April 27, 2016 Share Posted April 27, 2016 Please bear with me for the long story. He broke up with me 15 years ago due to his other girlfriend (he was in another relationship and I was unknowingly the third party) He told me then he really loved me but he cannot give up his girlfriend as she was his first and he treated her like family and also for reasons that he didn't want to burden me with (I suspect she was pregnant but this wasn't verified). A common friend had also kept this from me as this friend thought he was in the process of letting go of the girlfriend to be with me, so this version of the story was sort of true. I asked my ex how will he deal with this love he had for me while having a relationship with the girl he treated as family. He said he will bury me deep inside his heart and keep busy and if he sees me he will pretend not to recognize me anymore so that he does not need to deal with his feelings for me. Shortly after our break up, I known a man who also happen to be his acquaintance and fully accepted my past and we then got married and is still happily married till today for 11 years with 2 kids. My husband is also aware that I have this baggage to be cleared and totally respect my intentions. As for the ex, I found out recently that he had also married 10 years ago but was divorced and his wife remarried. Over the years, We were totally no contact. I coincidentally met him 3 times and true to what he said, he pretended not to know me and walked hastily away. On the third time (7 years ago) He tweeted that he thought he saw me but maybe he was wrong as I did not seem to recognize him. (I did not say hi on the third encounter because I am quite convinced he will run off). Fast forward to today, 15 years later. I am in a point in time trying to clear out all the emotional baggage after a stressful period (nothing to do with him, just an illness my kid had). I sent him a message on Facebook trying to say hi and even emailed him letting him know that I don't know how serious his circumstances are during our break up then but if there is any hurt I caused then that I am sorry and that if we meet up next time I hope we can say hi and catch up. There were no response to all these messages. I am thinking will it help if I call him to reconnect and catch up over coffee? Just hope to put an end amicably and hoping that the next time we meet on the streets that at least we can exchange some pleasantries instead of pretending not to know me. But since he had already avoided me for 16 years, it's hard for me to imagine he will agree to meet me over coffee. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted April 27, 2016 Share Posted April 27, 2016 Sorry Elle, he's moved on. Find the closure you seek within yourself. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Rainah Posted April 27, 2016 Share Posted April 27, 2016 He has ignored your messages for a reason, if you call him your beginning to be a little bit obsessive, I'm sure he is not thinking of you as much as you are thinking of him. Like the other person said you need to find closure within yourself, he has moved on and so do you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Marco Valerio Posted April 27, 2016 Share Posted April 27, 2016 (edited) Hi, The best advice here is, You need to move on!! He's nothing more than a far memory. 15 years is quite a long time, I'm sure you're both very different people now. Edited April 29, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Elle2016 Posted April 27, 2016 Author Share Posted April 27, 2016 I had already moved on, and did not contact him for 15 years. Just that recently I saw his name on Facebook friends of friends list recently and it triggered me to say hi to him. I thought he will have moved on and could say hi amicably to me. But it just turns out that's not true and I am finding myself difficult coming to terms on that. Link to post Share on other sites
Frank13 Posted April 27, 2016 Share Posted April 27, 2016 Sounds like a bruised ego from him not replying. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Elle2016 Posted April 27, 2016 Author Share Posted April 27, 2016 Maybe ... It really helps me just putting out my situation in words and hearing all your replies. Thanks for all the listening ears here. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Heatemyheart89 Posted April 27, 2016 Share Posted April 27, 2016 No, don't call. Move on & take care. Link to post Share on other sites
keiji Posted April 27, 2016 Share Posted April 27, 2016 I think what you should give a lot of thought to is why you care about him talking to you or not 15 years after a relationship that apparently left a lot to be desired. Why do you need closure for such a thing after so much time? Are you truly happy in your marriage? I'm not intending to sow even more doubts, but it sounds quite weird to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Elle2016 Posted April 27, 2016 Author Share Posted April 27, 2016 You made a good point and I have been thinking is there anything unhappy about my marriage which brought me to this situation. Overall there has been challenges but we are working together and want to stay together. Link to post Share on other sites
Rachel39 Posted April 27, 2016 Share Posted April 27, 2016 Hi I'm not really sure why you would want to after all this time, I get people become face book friends, but if has ignored you I would just leave it alone. I doubt he will be hurt after all these years but just maybe moved on with his life and doesn't want to be reminded of the past maybe. You too have moved on with yours I guess as women we liked to clear up ends... I had an ex who contacted me through fb we were together at 16 for 6 months I'm now 39 this was just last year I accepted his request we sent a few messages backwards and forwards and I guess him apologising for everything he put me and my family through I Became friends for a while but then Unfriended him because I didn't want to be reminded of my past or him it's bad enough knowing what he did without having to look at his face. Look at the road ahead you don't need to look in your rearview mirror your not heading that way ? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted April 27, 2016 Share Posted April 27, 2016 Your EX is doing you and your marriage a huge favor by not responding. Forget what you think you need. After all this time imagine how your DH will feel knowing that you continually sought out an old flame. He's gonna be hurt so stop reaching out. Whatever closure you think you are going to find by talking to your EX after all this time 1). won't happen because he didn't have the words then & doesn't now but more importantly, 2). this hurts your husband so just cut it out already. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Elle2016 Posted April 28, 2016 Author Share Posted April 28, 2016 Rachel29, a tiny part inside me feels that this ex still loved me as I saw the love songs he added to his YouTube playlist ever since my contact. And if that is so, it made it even more certain that probably is in our best interest not to meetup. You are right that viewing through the rearview mirror is going to get me into trouble, I like that analogy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Elle2016 Posted April 28, 2016 Author Share Posted April 28, 2016 Donnivain, thanks you are right. My husband will be hurt. I don't need to meet up with the ex. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted April 28, 2016 Share Posted April 28, 2016 Ellie2016, I think the problem here is that you have built up a fantasy in your head (and many of us do that ) about your ex, and you're still chasing that. You need to face facts. Your ex was a cheating d****e bag who deceived you and lied to you. You say He told me then he really loved me but he cannot give up his girlfriend and you fell for that?! He didn't want to give up his cake-eating more like. What are you giving this narcissistic, two timing jerk any headspace? You've moved on, got a nice husband and he's well in the past, so leave him their. If you still feel you have baggage after all this time, maybe you should seek some therapy (and I say that kindly). Good luck x 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Elle2016 Posted April 28, 2016 Author Share Posted April 28, 2016 Arieswoman, yes there is still baggage in the past. I need to stop the overthinking and fantasy inside my head. It's just not right for me to be spending energy that doesn't get channeled into the marriage. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted April 28, 2016 Share Posted April 28, 2016 I think the motive is a good one Elle - it can help to wrap things up, even if there's no love left there, just loose ends and all that - but he hasn't responded to your attempts to reach out so you already have your answer. You can't force him to go down this road if he doesn't want to. At least you tried. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Elle2016 Posted April 28, 2016 Author Share Posted April 28, 2016 Thanks Jen1447, yea you are right, I already tried to reach out politely but since he doesn't take it there's no point for me to call. And as other posters mention, I have to be careful with my husband feelings too. Also give some respect to the ex, since his intention that he doesn't want me in his life is very clear with the repeated ignore. I should not be selfish to call him and trigger his old wounds probably. Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted April 28, 2016 Share Posted April 28, 2016 I should not be selfish to call him and trigger his old wounds probably. That might have some merit if he was moreso the aggrieved one than you from what happened, but it was him who ditched you and lied, right? Don't ever apologize for wanting to find some resolution for yourself, and don't ever put your needs second - particularly when it comes to exes who let you down. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
imperfectangel Posted April 28, 2016 Share Posted April 28, 2016 Out of interest if he won't reply to a fb message what makes you think he'd want to meet face to face? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Elle2016 Posted April 29, 2016 Author Share Posted April 29, 2016 Jen1447, yes he was the one who lied and dumped me. The day he dumped me was the day I knew the truth. But I had already worked through all those pain and this contact that I am trying to make is actually more for myself. As I did say some nasty words to him then (being a human cheated upon), but still I did not understand his circumstances for the lies, maybe he really loved me, maybe he really wanted to let the girlfriend go, I won't know, I just feel like saying sorry for those hurtful words I spurted in the moment. And I did it through email, which I'm not sure if a call will make it more sincere. But like previous poster said I need to balance what I do and consider my loved ones. So now I'm growing to believe that I won't call him anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Elle2016 Posted April 29, 2016 Author Share Posted April 29, 2016 Imperfectangel, yes I don't think he is going to meet me but the call is more like a follow up to the email I had sent. But this may be selfish as he did not want me in his life, by persisting means I'm obsessing over this too. Unhealthy thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted April 29, 2016 Share Posted April 29, 2016 A relationship that's been dead for 15 years isn't worth ruining your marriage for. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Elle2016 Posted April 29, 2016 Author Share Posted April 29, 2016 And sometimes I wonder, does my ex treat me as dead.... my messages and email seem to be sent into a black hole. Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted April 29, 2016 Share Posted April 29, 2016 And sometimes I wonder, does my ex treat me as dead.... my messages and email seem to be sent into a black hole. Why are you putting your marriage at risk to obsess about a guy who has zero interest in speaking to you? It was 15 years ago..give it a rest! Who cares? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts