Does he think I'm easy now? Going to guy's house

[gkly]

It was our first date. I'm in my early 20s and he's in his early 30s. We met up for a drink and he extended it to dinner, walk, drink and walk. Then we got on a cab and got off at his place. He said let's have a drink at his place. I told him I don't go to guy's house and he said "don't worry I'll take you to cabs when you want to."

We were at his couch talking sipping a drink, with a movie on (no sound because music was on). He put a blanket over and we watched movie in silence. Later he touched my hand and his leg touched my leg. He cuddled and said he's gonna kiss me and kissed my head, ears then neck. He asked to kiss him on the lips but I hesitated. He said "don't be scared, we don't have to have sex." It took a while but we ended up making out. Heavily. With butt grabbing. He wanted me to touch him too, but I said I'm not used to this and this is too fast for me.

Eventually I did go home after I said I'm going home. He said ok and took me downstairs, grabbed cab and gave a light peck. I received a text "did you get home safely" when I got home so I said I did and thanked him. The next day he said "glad to hear that (I got home safely). Going to gym now." He's the most boring texter I met so far, so I didn't know what to say and just left it here. It's been nearly a week now and he's leaving the town for 6wks for business trip (he told me this when we first met).

He knows I never slept with a guy before. Even though I told him I don't go to guy's house, I did go, made out and let him touch me (I didn't touch him). Does he think I'm easy now? Did he lose respect for me?

[Arieswoman]

gkly,

Who knows what he's thinking and frankly who cares? That's not the issue here.

 

What you've shown him is that it's OK to push your boundaries. So if you meet up again he'll probably try to push a bit harder.

 

If you don't meet up again, have a think about what message you're sending guys. If you don't "go to guys houses" then don't go. Ask the taxi to take you home, and make sure you have enough money to get a taxi yourself, if things don't work out.

 

I'm not sure what this "making out" stuff is because I'm a Brit but I personally I wouldn't get into quasi-sex stuff on a first date.

 

Good luck x

[Lois_Griffin]

Gkly, any guy who can't show you the RESPECT you deserve on a first date isn't worth wasting your time with.

 

You allowed yourself to be led by the nose to his place even though you really didn't want to go. He knew that and kept persuading you anyway because trying to have sex with you was more important to him than respecting your boundaries.

 

I wouldn't waste another minute with him

 

And the next guy you meet, if he pulls this crap on your first date, stand up for yourself.

Edited May 2, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[O'Malley]

I wouldn't worry about his feelings. A more thoughtful guy would have picked up on your discomfort earlier on and backed off. There's a big difference between someone who hopes that a casual encounter will occur, and someone who has the expectation of it. All you have to go on is initial impressions and what he's demonstrated is that he'll just keep pushing your comfort zone if you do go out with him again.

 

Be more confident and assertive about your boundaries. If you're not comfortable going to someone's home, be direct about it. Tell the cabbie that there will be two destinations. If you are fine with going to a guy's house, there's the opportunity, but certainly not the expectation, that sex will occur. Regardless of what you decide to do, make it clear when you're no longer comfortable with what's occurring. It's not like the minute you step across the threshold, you've somehow implicitly consented to anything the guy wants, or that you're easy, or that you're deserving of less respect.

[PegNosePete]

Does he think I'm easy now?

"Now"? He thought you were easy from the start, that's why he kept on pushing your boundaries even after you said no. And he managed to get you to change your mind with very little effort. Seems his seduction technique is strong, at least with you anyway, a more experienced woman would have spotted it a mile off. Now hopefully you are a more experienced woman and can spot it next time

 

By the way think of your personal safety. Going to someone's home the first time you meet them is not a good idea.

[LoveRefreshed]

Gkly, any guy who can't show you the RESPECT you deserve on a first date isn't worth wasting your time with.

 

You allowed yourself to be led by the nose to his place even though you really didn't want to go. He knew that and kept persuading you anyway because trying to have sex with you was more important to him than respecting your boundaries.

 

I wouldn't waste another minute with him.

 

And the next guy you meet, if he pulls this crap on your first date, stand up for yourself.

 

What did he do wrong? Why is he a pig?

 

She could have said 'No' or 'Stop'. Instead she gave wish-washy signals and enjoyed the make out session. Look her, all concerned with how he feels about her. It sounds like she's hoping they do it again.

 

This is a disgusting attack and is probably a reason many men are scared to ever make a move. "May I please kiss you?"....

Edited May 2, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Arieswoman]

Loverefreshed,

You make a very good point,

 

What did he do wrong? Why is he a pig?

 

She could have said 'No' or 'Stop'. Instead she gave wish-washy signals and enjoyed the make out session. Look her, all concerned with how he feels about her. It sounds like she's hoping they do it again.

 

This is a disgusting attack and is probably a reason many men are scared to ever make a move. "May I please kiss you?"....

 

IMO women need to be very clear about what they do and don't want and stick to it.

[Handsome Librarian]

Seems like a fairly normal escalation. Sounds exactly like any highschool fooling around ever. Accidental touch watching s movie under the blanket. He even kissed her head first. Does seem a bit staged like he knew exactly about that "accidental" touch. It's not about he thinks you're easy. He doesn't care really. It's women who judge each other that way and feel that way about themselves. Call each other names. I never not respect a girl if I get some early on. The chase though you can keep a man who doesn't like you longer with some hope before he gets what he wants or samples the goods but it either is or isn't going to happen anyway at some point. It's not like oh now I get some and don't like you. Those guys didn't like you in the first place, it may or may not be hard to tell and they my or may not succeed. None of us know what he's thinking or if he'll stay. I'd maybe bide my time with a virgin but does he even know this, even still if she agreed to come up to my place I'd certainly make a move. Doesn't mean I didn't like her or respect her. Most all women hesitate, dare I say resist, even when they are sloppy drunk and push you away then say get back here then she cries and says I worry what my daughter will think when I stumble in at 4am but she begs for more. You tell me. Sorry that's way beyond what this early 20's op girl is ready for and hardly sane or healthy. But yeah I don't think he did much wrong by asking her twice to come upstairs.

Edited May 1, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[Jabron1]

Gkly, any guy who can't show you the RESPECT you deserve on a first date isn't worth wasting your time with.

 

You allowed yourself to be led by the nose to his place even though you really didn't want to go. He knew that and kept persuading you anyway because trying to have sex with you was more important to him than respecting your boundaries.

 

I wouldn't waste another minute with this him.

 

And the next guy you meet, if he pulls this crap on your first date, stand up for yourself.

 

Lois, you need to chill with the man hating stuff. The last few posts I've read have been insults such as 'pig', 'coward', 'mouth-breather', and 'pitiful man'.

 

Until you've been rejected for pushing too much, and pushing too little, I don't think you'll understand what it's like for a man in the dating game - which is fair enough. But at least try to be a little more considerate.

 

It's almost impossible for a man to know exactly where the line is until after the event. Men push, and women resist. It's the way the game works, if you haven't noticed.

 

Does he think I'm easy now? Did he lose respect for me?

 

Some guys seem to think like that. But, a lot of us don't.

 

It's on you to judge the character of the man you're dating. Pretty hard for us to do that from our position

Edited May 2, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[losangelena]

My guess is that he was vying for sex (he took you to his house at the end of date one?), and because you didn't let him go all the way, he's not interested in putting in any more effort. Otherwise I'm pretty sure you would've heard from him again by now. So I doubt he's thinking much of you either way.

 

In the future, it would behoove you to stick a bit more firmly to your boundaries. If you don't go to a guy's house on date one, DON'T. Don't say, "I don't do that," and then do it. That sends the opposite message than the one you're intending. If your boundary is malleable, then don't say anything. Wait until you've come to you true boundary, then say stop.

 

Keeping firm boundaries is the best way to discover someone's intentions towards you.

[katiegrl]

OP, will you be seeing him again before he leaves for six weeks?

 

Has he called, texted, other than that *boring* text you said he sent?

 

And why didn't you reply back?

 

Do you like the guy or not?

 

If so, you should have replied back.

 

I think some others have been a bit hard on him.

 

Unless he kidnapped you, you willingly agreed to go back to his place.

 

YOU agreed to *make out* with him.

 

When you told him you wanted to go home, HE respected that and called you a cab.

 

Texted to make sure you got home okay.

 

If you like him, you need to reply back to the text he sent you.

 

If you see each other before he leaves, or after he returns, don't go back to his place if you are not ready for sex.

Edited April 27, 2016 by katiegrl

[losangelena]

By the way, a lot of men in their 30s are boring testers. Get used to it.

[Versacehottie]

Why do you like a boring texter guy anyway? That, IMO, would be a bit of boundary crossed. I mean, you want someone that has shown some effort, that you have some actual connection with, right?

 

I agree with losangelena (good posts btw!) that some guys can be "boring" aka BLUNT texters but IME they only get to stick around if they have something else going on that one would find valuable with a girl that is using standards and has self worth. In other words, make sure that your desire to have a bf or date does not override the other things you are considering about them. Have standards that they need to meet for you to feel interested.

 

In the future, when you are bold enough to state a boundary, then stick to it--otherwise guys/people will lose respect for you if you roll over and just do what they want. If it's a flexible situation for you (like some guys you feel safe enough, compelled enough to go back to his place), then don't say that you are breaking your own rules, just do it.

 

BTW, I do think it's not the best idea to go back to some guy's place on the first date--for all the things it may imply, right or wrong. Some guys will try to get you back there AND at the same time have antiquated thinking about it, even if you don't and they asked!!! Plus just the real fact that it's better to know someone better, especially if you met this guy via online. If through friends, slightly different IMO. But still if you err on side of being safe (both in reality and to protect future and what he thinks about you), you cover all the bases. A guy that is open to getting to know you and not a baby is not going to stop dating you just because he doesn't get you to come back to his place. That would be unreasonable and you wouldn't want to date someone like that anyway.

 

If this guy is going away for 6 weeks, I doubt that putting a relationship in motion is in his top priority. I wouldn't hold out hope for this one. Good luck moving forward.

[katiegrl]

Well at least he texted.

 

Many people hate texting and refuse to do it.

 

Doesn't mean anything other than they dislike texting.

 

At least he reached out though.

 

In any event, IMO he most likely was hoping for sex. He is then leaving for six weeks (or so he claims), how perfect. Sex then he is leaving for a month and a half.

 

Nice.

 

OP, on second thought don't reply back and toss this one back.

[Gaeta]

I told him I don't go to guy's house

honey then don't go to guy's house even if they insist. In general a man that invites you to his place on a 1st date is interested in sex. So from now on, any man inviting you over his place under 3 dates you say 'no thank you' and if they insist you repeat 'no thank you', and you wish them good night.

 

This man pushed several of your boundaries. He didn't care about anything you said, he only cared about A) taking you home B) kissing you and whatsnot. If he had cared about your feelings he would have accepted your first 'I don't go to guy's house' and he would have said: I understand, about we plan another date. Instead he insisted on you coming over when you said no , insisted on kissing when you were hesitating, insisted on you touching him. What does that say about him?

 

And he did all this fully knowing you had 0 experience with men.

 

And you wonder if he lost respect for you?? You're the one who should lose all respect for HIM.

 

Move on to next. Date till you meet a man that knows how to treat you right for the wonderful young lady that you are.

[LoveRefreshed]

honey then don't go to guy's house even if they insist. In general a man that invites you to his place on a 1st date is interested in sex. So from now on, any man inviting you over his place under 3 dates you say 'no thank you' and if they insist you repeat 'no thank you', and you wish them good night.

 

This man pushed several of your boundaries. He didn't care about anything you said, he only cared about A) taking you home B) kissing you and whatsnot. If he had cared about your feelings he would have accepted your first 'I don't go to guy's house' and he would have said: I understand, about we plan another date. Instead he insisted on you coming over when you said no , insisted on kissing when you were hesitating, insisted on you touching him. What does that say about him?

 

And he did all this fully knowing you had 0 experience with men.

 

And you wonder if he lost respect for you?? You're the one who should lose all respect for HIM.

 

Move on to next. Date till you meet a man that knows how to treat you right for the wonderful young lady that you are.

 

In general, a man is interested in sex.*

 

Fixed your sentence. All men, and I dare say, a lot of women are interested in sex! Sex is fantastic after all!

 

And I'm sure he wanted to have sex with you! Oh no! Say it ain't so.

 

Now that the real truth is out there...

 

It doesn't mean just because we have hormones and a labido, that we don't have feelings and a desire to develop an emotional connection with a woman.

 

Still tired of reading these types of opinions that put all of the blame on the man who did nothing wrong.

 

He didn't force her to his house. He didn't force her to kiss him. Even if she had said that she didn't do that, she still did it. How many times have you same women sat her and pontificated about how actions speak louder than words? Her actions was that she was the kind of girl to go home with a man on the first date, regardless of whatever lie came out of her mouth to begin with (I mean that's the usual slant for the actions over words).

 

Most of you girls have never been friend-zoned for not making moves, clearly. He invited her back to his place, she said yes, and made a move. I don't know about most guys, but I keep exploring until I find a boundary. Until then, I assume she is on board. I mean, I am sure it's hard to utter 'no' and push someone way, but more women than not have been able to say 'no' to attempts. And a lot of them without saying no, just turning a head and giving me a cheek... .

Edited May 2, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[losangelena]

In general, a man is interested in sex.*

 

Fixed your sentence. All men, and I dare say, a lot of women are interested in sex! Sex is fantastic after all!

 

And I'm sure he wanted to have sex with you! Oh no! Say it ain't so.

 

Now that the real truth is out there...

 

It doesn't mean just because we have hormones and a labido, that we don't have feelings and a desire to develop an emotional connection with a woman.

 

Still tired of reading these types of opinions that put all of the blame on the man who did nothing wrong.

 

He didn't force her to his house. He didn't force her to kiss him. Even if she had said that she didn't do that, she still did it. How many times have you same women sat her and pontificated about how actions speak louder than words? Her actions was that she was the kind of girl to go home with a man on the first date, regardless of whatever lie came out of her mouth to begin with (I mean that's the usual slant for the actions over words).

 

Most of you girls have never been friend-zoned for not making moves, clearly. He invited her back to his place, she said yes, and made a move. I don't know about most guys, but I keep exploring until I find a boundary. Until then, I assume she is on board. I mean, I am sure it's hard to utter 'no' and push someone way, but more women than not have been able to say 'no' to attempts. And a lot of them without saying no, just turning a head and giving me a cheek...

 

I agree that OP showed some inconsistent behavior in how she interacted with him—her words and her actions not lining up.

 

But if a man is rebuffed due to a woman's discomfort (e.g., feeling like it's "too soon" to go all the way on a first date), but was sufficiently interested in either sex or a relationship, wouldn't that man try again? Wouldn't they follow up for a second date?

 

The guy in OP's situation seems to have vanished, leading me to believe that he was only interested in getting laid, and having failed that mission, he's onto the next. Do you think that an incorrect assumption?

Edited May 2, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[LoveRefreshed]

I agree that OP showed some inconsistent behavior in how she interacted with him—her words and her actions not lining up.

 

But if a man is rebuffed due to a woman's discomfort (e.g., feeling like it's "too soon" to go all the way on a first date), but was sufficiently interested in either sex or a relationship, wouldn't that man try again? Wouldn't they follow up for a second date?

 

The guy in OP's situation seems to have vanished, leading me to believe that he was only interested in getting laid, and having failed that mission, he's onto the next. Do you think that an incorrect assumption?

 

I thought they were texting and he had prior told her he was living town for six weeks?

 

I don't think it's an incorrect assumption. I just don't like the few posts who attack the man's character here since asking a girl to come home with you hardly constitutes the behavior befitting the term pig, let alone is it hardly described as being disrespectful.

 

However, I think some men are so scared of looking needy, that the opposite happens and they seem indifferent instead. I remember when I was younger (wait, how old are these kids?) that I would type a msg and then delete it because I was afraid of looking over eager to like a girl. Maybe the last girl he tried to date didn't like him because he texted all the time and never made a move? I mean doesn't that sound like the path to the friend zone?

[gkly]

OP, will you be seeing him again before he leaves for six weeks?

 

Has he called, texted, other than that *boring* text you said he sent?

 

And why didn't you reply back?

 

Do you like the guy or not?

 

If so, you should have replied back.

 

I think some others have been a bit hard on him.

 

Unless he kidnapped you, you willingly agreed to go back to his place.

 

YOU agreed to *make out* with him.

 

When you told him you wanted to go home, HE respected that and called you a cab.

 

Texted to make sure you got home okay.

 

If you like him, you need to reply back to the text he sent you.

 

If you see each other before he leaves, or after he returns, don't go back to his place if you are not ready for sex.

I didn't see the point to reply "i'm going to gym now." I woke up in the morning after this date and first thought was "so what?" There was no question or anything respondable. The only thing I could write to him now is "have a safe trip" kind of message. Is there anything better?

Neither of us contacted after "i'm going to gym now" text. He's leaving on Friday evening to ny. I'm not sure if I like him 100%. Right now, I'm more curious of him and his move after this thing happened. The date was spontaneous and fun (everything before I went to his house), but this was the first date a guy ever took me home (except my exes- they asked me to be gf but never felt like going over kissing with them).

Back to texting back, is it not worth shooting him any message now? If I like him I should and if I don't I shouldn't. But the thing is I'm somewhere in between. Plus I met this guy twice- first when he apporached me and second when we went for this date.

[Gaeta]

In general, a man is interested in sex.*

 

Fixed your sentence. All men, and I dare say, a lot of women are interested in sex! Sex is fantastic after all!

 

And I'm sure he wanted to have sex with you! Oh no! Say it ain't so.

 

Now that the real truth is out there....

 

You are off topic or trying to make this about something that it's not. Yes we are all sexual beings and want intimacy and and sex. This is not it. Yes he wanted sex but he wanted it at the wrong time. There is a place and a time for everything and on a first date it means getting the sex is more important than getting to know you. it's all dandy if BOTH parties agree that the sex is ok before the 'getting to know you'. It's NOT the case here.

 

Still tired of reading these types of opinions that put all of the blame on the man who did nothing wrong. .

Yes he did something wrong and let me spell it out for you.

 

He took advantage of the fact she had no experience and no confidence enough with men to play his best game on her.

 

No he did not force her to follow him home but he USED his experience and confidence to attract her to his place. HE KNEW she did not have confidence enough in herself to shut him down if he insisted.

Same with the kiss. She hesitated. That's what you do when women hesitate to kiss you? You insist?? Put yourself in this man's shoes. You are a man with dating experience. You go on a date with a young virgin. She tells you she doesn't want to follow you home, and you insist?? She hesitate to kiss you and you insist?? then you insist on her touching your crotch?? Really?

[katiegrl]

I didn't see the point to reply "i'm going to gym now." I woke up in the morning after this date and first thought was "so what?" There was no question or anything respondable. The only thing I could write to him now is "have a safe trip" kind of message. Is there anything better?

Neither of us contacted after "i'm going to gym now" text. He's leaving on Friday evening to ny. I'm not sure if I like him 100%. Right now, I'm more curious of him and his move after this thing happened. The date was spontaneous and fun (everything before I went to his house), but this was the first date a guy ever took me home (except my exes- they asked me to be gf but never felt like going over kissing with them).

Back to texting back, is it not worth shooting him any message now? If I like him I should and if I don't I shouldn't. But the thing is I'm somewhere in between. Plus I met this guy twice- first when he apporached me and second when we went for this date.

 

Fair enough.

 

In thinking through this further though, no don't bother texting him before he leaves.

 

IMO he only wanted to have sex, and then leave for six weeks.... the perfect built-in excuse for creating distance .... making it quite easy for him to just fade out with zero drama.

 

He may have even made that up. Do you know for a fact he is gone for six weeks? Or is that just what he told you?

 

Oh well, he didn't get what he was after. Good for you for maintaining at least that boundary.

 

Just toss this one back hun.

 

And lesson learned for next time. If you are not interested in having sex, no going back to his on first date.

Edited April 27, 2016 by katiegrl

[LoveRefreshed]

You are off topic or trying to make this about something that it's not. Yes we are all sexual beings and want intimacy and and sex. This is not it. Yes he wanted sex but he wanted it at the wrong time. There is a place and a time for everything and on a first date it means getting the sex is more important than getting to know you. it's all dandy if BOTH parties agree that the sex is ok before the 'getting to know you'. It's NOT the case here.

 

Yes he did something wrong and let me spell it out for you.

 

He took advantage of the fact she had no experience and no confidence enough with men to play his best game on her.

 

No he did not force her to follow him home but he USED his experience and confidence to attract her to his place. HE KNEW she did not have confidence enough in herself to shut him down if he insisted.

Same with the kiss. She hesitated. That's what you do when women hesitate to kiss you? You insist?? Put yourself in this man's shoes. You are a man with dating experience. You go on a date with a young virgin. She tells you she doesn't want to follow you home, and you insist?? She hesitate to kiss you and you insist?? then you insist on her touching your crotch?? Really?

 

It's not off topic, as you are using that fact to explain to OP what a jerk this man is (even though all men want to have sex).

 

He's a jerk because she didn't say no and he was suppose to know that she didn't want to kiss him after coming home to his house after the date?

 

Women aren't sheep. Women aren't powerless. Men aren't mind readers. Men have been told for generations to be aggressive and go for the girl.

[losangelena]

I thought they were texting and he had prior told her he was living town for six weeks?

 

I don't think it's an incorrect assumption. I just don't like the few posts who attack the man's character here since asking a girl to come home with you hardly constitutes the behavior befitting the term pig, let alone is it hardly described as being disrespectful.

 

However, I think some men are so scared of looking needy, that the opposite happens and they seem indifferent instead. I remember when I was younger (wait, how old are these kids?) that I would type a msg and then delete it because I was afraid of looking over eager to like a girl. Maybe the last girl he tried to date didn't like him because he texted all the time and never made a move? I mean doesn't that sound like the path to the friend zone?

 

He's 33 and she's a 22 year old virgin. Sounds like there's a bit of an uneven power dynamic already.

 

I agree with what Gaeta said in her last post, that this guys sounds like a bit of a smooth operator, having an excuse or reason for OP to go along with what he wants, even after she states what she wants.

 

He doesn't sound inexperienced or overeager to me. This is speculation, because I don't know those involved, but my gut says he's a guy who wanted sex, didn't get it, and is no longer interested.

 

I could totally be wrong in that reading.

[gkly]

Thank you all for the comments.

Correction to be made- he did not touch my crotch, nor breast. Just butt area. Not that this makes a big difference now.

I got my lesson to keep my boundary consistent.

It was fool of me to take his word (he's a guy I met only two times afterall) and to drink more than 3 glasses.

 

And yes, I will just leave this one off. Even though (really IF) he texts, I'll just keep it casual tone.

[Gaeta]

It's not off topic, as you are using that fact to explain to OP what a jerk this man is (even though all men want to have sex).

 

He's a jerk because she didn't say no and he was suppose to know that she didn't want to kiss him after coming home to his house after the date?

 

Women aren't sheep. Women aren't powerless. Men aren't mind readers. Men have been told for generations to be aggressive and go for the girl.

 

Loverefreshed: if, IF OP was not 22 and a virgin AND this man was not 10 years older with plenty of experience, I would post differently.

 

Sure men have games, men are told to be aggressive etc but we're talking about a man 10 years older with a young 22 year old with 0 experience.

 

Is that what you would teach your son? Son, when you come across a 10 year younger virgin go ahead and play your best game on her! If she says 'no' then go ahead and insist......?