Porchmonkey Posted April 27, 2016 Posted April 27, 2016 Hello everyone... My first time ever posting on a forum but I am just so confused about my own feelings.. /sigh Let me try to explain it to you guys and I would love to just get some feedback. It is a bit complicated but I will try to explain it. So me and my (now ex) girlfriend have been dating for almost two years. Our relationship has always been amazing, for both of us it is our first serious relationship (she is 20 and I am 25). (first love syndrome) She has always dreamed to go study and live in Buenos Aires, Argentina, for a while and she tried to realise this dream and I always supported her, no matter how sad I was that she wanted to be away from me for such a long time. Around five months before she left I told her that I couldn't do long distance relationshp and that I wanted to break up (attention: she was going there for 6 months and 2 more months to travel, an extremely long time in my opinion). We loved each other so we decided to stay together until she would leave to Argentina. (we live in Europe btw and flying there is extremely expensive and time consuming). Her heart was broken by this, she wanted to stay together and try to make it work, even if we wouldnt see each other for 8-10 months. I couldnt do it and we broke up in september but stayed together untill she left end of january. (we even went to London together, we really liked each other and this decision was depressing us slow but steadily). One important note: She told me she was going to Buenos Aires even if it meant I would break up with her. The day arrived and she left for Argentina in the beginning of february. We cried together in our last moment, we really liked each other and had stayed in a wonderful relationship even after it was known we would ''atleast temporarily'' be seperated. We immedeatly expressed hope of getting back together once she got back. The first few weeks she was there she knew no one and she was sad because of our break up and needed my support. I was too bitter and I suggested we would talk one month later, march. One month passed and we started talking again. Talking went wonderfully, we really like each other so much and we kept saying how much we missed each other and how much we hoped to get back together. But then, around half march, she told me how she had realised she missed me even more because she had meaningless sex with a random guy there.......not once, not twice, but more than three times.. ONLY A FEW WEEKS AFTER SHE WAS THERE!!!!!!!! Ugh I feel so bitter about this. This was too much for me... REALLY?! We were still so emotionally attached to each other, I know we broke up, but it was because SHE DECIDED TO LEAVE for such a long time, I know she wanted to make it work, but she only wanted to make it work on her terms, she going away for such a long time and the only option I had was to work as a crazyman to try and collect the frkn money to visit her (around 700 euro's) and I didnt do it. but we ALWAYS expressed hope to get back together... she knew she would destroy the last bit of relation we had by doing that. Of course she is teeerribly sorry and she keeps begging me to forgive her etc etc etc. But yeah... these words seem meaningless to me. I know I broke up with her but she is the reason we will STAY broken up. That is just how I feel, although I know deep down she technicaly did nothing wrong, we had broken up. Im not even mad at the fact that she did it but more at the fact it happened only a few FKN weeks after we broke up. I mean what signal is she trying to send! IF SHE TRULY CARED ABOUT GETTING BACK TOGETHER SHE WOULD HAVE ATEALST WAITED ONE FRKN MONTH BEFORE OPENING HER LEGS AGAIN!!!!! Needless to say I was so down of the break up I, OF COURSE!!!, didnt do anything with another girl because I wasnt feeling up for that and I KNEW that she would be destroyed if I did that. Now I am in a terrible position. I know I still really care about her and I want to take her back in a heartbeat once she comes back, but another part of me is just soooooo bitter, she slept with someone else as if it was nothing only 3 weeks after we ''temporarily broke up''. She says she wasnt thinking, that it was foolish blablabla but i am just so bitter and I am not sure if deep down i can ever forgive her for this. Please let me know what you guys think, am I overthinking this and should I give her another chance? Or did the ship sail and I am just holding on to her because she is my first relation but I will never be truly happy with her again? Yours sincerely, Johhny
LD1990 Posted April 27, 2016 Posted April 27, 2016 What you need to do is cut all ties with her. Tell her to have fun on her trip. Then live your life as if you two are done. When she comes back, maybe you two will both decide you want to give it another shot. Maybe you'll both be happy without each other at that point. But staying in contact with her is a recipe for disaster, as you've seen already. You're not going to be able to move on from her, because you'll keep missing her, and the stuff she tells you is probably going to make you feel bitter. It's unfortunate, but these things happen a lot (my ex and I broke up partially because she was planning to study abroad, although she misled me about it quite a bit). From the sounds of it, you were more serious about this relationship then she was. I'm not saying she wasn't serious about it or that it was wrong of her to leave, but clearly at this stage of her life, she valued traveling and living in another country over your relationship. She really isn't at fault for sleeping with anyone, and you're fooling yourself if you think you're upset because of the time frame. You'd find a reason to be mad whether she did it a few weeks or a few months into this trip, because it's the act itself that makes you upset, not when she did it. 1
lolablue17 Posted April 27, 2016 Posted April 27, 2016 I'm so sorry for you, but you must put yourself together and learn from your mistakes. What are your mistakes? 1. The minute you decided you don't do LDR, you should have broken up with her. But you've just been weak, and couldn't do it. 2. The minute you understood you can't break up with her (out of weakness), you should have made all efforts to come over with her. to be with her. 3. The minute she's gone and you broke up with her, you should have stayed NC with her, no matter what. 4. When you were talking to her you shouldn't expect anything from her, after breaking up with her. The expectation she won't sleep with anyone there, was in your mind only. Why shouldn't she if you're not together out of YOUR decision? So now you should be focused and try to prevent making additional mistakes. The facts are simple - She left you to Argentina and slept with someone else 3 times. Tell her that you go NC until she's back. When she's back you can consider again. Take note that she can sleep with someone else again and again without telling you, though because she understood the consequences. 3
ExpatInItaly Posted April 27, 2016 Posted April 27, 2016 Sorry OP, but this is tough cookies for you. You broke up with her. She can sleep with whomever she wants, whenever she wants. When you're broken up, it's not your business anymore. Crappy reality, but it's true. You made this bed, unfortunately. Sure, it sucks and it's hurtful to hear. But what did you really think was going to happen? Go No Contact completely so you two can finally behave likes exes and move on. 1
Author Porchmonkey Posted April 28, 2016 Author Posted April 28, 2016 Thank you everyone for your feedback. I appreciate it. I have decided to go completely No Contact and I have blocked her everywhere. I know it was not technically ''wrong'' of her to do what she did etc. But my heart is now too bitter to consider taking her back and I have cut her out of my life. I dont think it would ever be the same. (yes I know I feel quite strongly about these things) My only complaint can be that she knew we would be talking again in march and she knew that sleeping with someone else would ruin every chance of our relationship getting fixed again. I have made mistakes and so did she, it is a shame it all ended like this because I would like to emphasise we had a wonderful time being together. Thanks again for your reactions.
lolablue17 Posted April 28, 2016 Posted April 28, 2016 she knew we would be talking again in march and she knew that sleeping with someone else would ruin every chance of our relationship getting fixed again. Great insight! She knew it will ruin everything, yet she'd decided to do it. She also knew that going to Argentina might ruin everything, yet she'd decided to do it anyway. This insight will help you to maintain your decision to go NC.
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