Did he want to get into a relationship with me for the wrong reasons?

[ktragers]

It's been over two years since I was in a long term relationship with someone and although I've been actively dating ever since, things just never worked out, until recently. A guy I've been seeing since January said he'd love to have me as his girlfriend and I had a feeling it'd been on his mind for a while. Of all the guys I dated in the past two years, this one has definitely been the most consistent one who's also made more effort. But instead of feeling all giddy about our newly established status, I kind of still have doubts and wonder if he wanted to get into a relationship with me only because he had no better options or something.

 

The good signs are definitely there: he's been very consistent and attentive for the most part, asking me out every weekend, talking to me on the phone for hours sometimes, making me home cooked meals, driving me around on mini road trips, being protective and sweet, etc.

 

But he still checks his online profile, although he's been logging in a lot less frequently ever since we got more serious. I'm 100% positive that he's talking to a lot of people online, but I don't think he's been seeing anyone else since he's been in touch with me almost daily and spending all his weekends with me. I guess I'm just not sure if he'd resist the temptation of seeing if there could be better options out there.

 

Another thing is that he has definitely shown his interest in me through his actions and also told me in person that he likes me, but occasionally I still get the impression that he needs a lot of alone time away from me that probably a whole weekend together is too much for him. I'm not the clingy type at all and we don't really see each other during weekdays unless otherwise planned. He's going to cat sit for a friend next weekend and originally he was saying he'd invite me to come see the cat if possible, but then he changed his mind and said he wanted some "quality time" alone with the cat himself. Can't tell if he was joking there. He also seems on the fence about me possibly leaving stuff at his place every now and then.

 

The way I envision a relationship is that at least two people would be very close and make each other feel like a special part in life. I'm not sure I feel that with him and it seems to me that his idea of having a girlfriend is just having a steady date each weekend to keep him company. However, I realize that I probably need to communicate about this with him first.

[katiegrl]

 

But he still checks his online profile.

 

He's going to cat sit for a friend next weekend and originally he was saying he'd invite me to come see the cat if possible, but then he changed his mind and said he wanted some "quality time" alone with the cat himself.

 

You created another thread not too long ago re being concerned that he'd rather be with his friends than you. Didn't want you to join him doing certain activities like taking you to a party on a Saturday night, for example. Or hiking, which he knows you enjoy.

 

Now he wants "quality" time with his cat?

 

I have no words.

[TXGuy]

... I've been actively dating ever since, things just never worked out, until recently. A guy I've been seeing since January said he'd love to have me as his girlfriend and I had a feeling it'd been on his mind for a while. Of all the guys I dated in the past two years, this one has definitely been the most consistent one who's also made more effort. But instead of feeling all giddy about our newly established status, ...

 

...I kind of still have doubts and wonder if he wanted to get into a relationship with me only because he had no better options or something.

 

 

It sounds like you are only with him because you don't have any better options.

 

I didn't see anything in your post about whether you like him. It is ok if you don't like him. You don't have to date him.

 

You don't seem satisfied with his level of enthusiasm. It is hard to tell whether he is able to get excited about your level of enthusiasm.

[radwimps]

I date similarly to the man that you mentioned. It sounds pretty much like me - consistent and attentive, but not over-the-top romantic.

 

If I were actually him doing all of those things, then these are the things on my mind :

1. The current girl I'm with is great, but there is an off chance that someone better might come along. Hence the occasional online talking with someone else.

2. However, I am still putting 100% of my effort into this current relationship to make sure it works out. If it does work out long term, I'll dedicate myself to this relationship.

3. You should probably stop questioning his intentions. Because this is more annoying and will put him off more than anything.

 

I'm sure he's really into you, he just wants to make sure it works out long term before he kills off all other options. If he seems like a good man, I doubt he'd cheat. I'm the same way.

 

Good luck.

[ktragers]

I date similarly to the man that you mentioned. It sounds pretty much like me - consistent and attentive, but not over-the-top romantic.

 

If I were actually him doing all of those things, then these are the things on my mind :

1. The current girl I'm with is great, but there is an off chance that someone better might come along. Hence the occasional online talking with someone else.

2. However, I am still putting 100% of my effort into this current relationship to make sure it works out. If it does work out long term, I'll dedicate myself to this relationship.

3. You should probably stop questioning his intentions. Because this is more annoying and will put him off more than anything.

 

I'm sure he's really into you, he just wants to make sure it works out long term before he kills off all other options. If he seems like a good man, I doubt he'd cheat. I'm the same way.

 

Good luck.

 

Well, it's hard NOT to question his intentions because I certainly don't feel special with him at all, and he's been online quite frequently, probably enjoying all sort of attention there. Feels like I'm only an option to him. If that's the case, fine, but he really didn't have to bring up wanting me to be his girlfriend; he can keep "shopping around" until he's certain about one person. I don't know what being in a relationship means to some folks these days - having someone constant to be with when you feel like it? I'm sorry but my idea of a relationship is way more than that and he's showing no signs of wanting me to be a part of his life or developing a connection.

[ktragers]

It sounds like you are only with him because you don't have any better options.

 

I didn't see anything in your post about whether you like him. It is ok if you don't like him. You don't have to date him.

 

You don't seem satisfied with his level of enthusiasm. It is hard to tell whether he is able to get excited about your level of enthusiasm.

 

I am not satisfied with his level of enthusiasm at all because it seems like he wants to keep me at arm's length - will want to do something with me when he's got no plans or lonely and then he's "had enough of me" after we've spent an extended period of time together. To me that's not being "enthusiastic" or serious about someone at all.

 

I feel like I'm showing enough interest and he's told me on several occasions too that he could tell very clearly that I'm into him, etc.

[Jabron1]

He's going to cat sit for a friend next weekend and originally he was saying he'd invite me to come see the cat if possible, but then he changed his mind and said he wanted some "quality time" alone with the cat himself.

 

You created another thread not too long ago re being concerned that he'd rather be with his friends than you. Didn't want you to join him doing certain activities like taking you to a party on a Saturday night, for example. Or hiking, which he knows you enjoy.

 

Now he wants "quality" time with his cat?

 

I have no words.

 

 

When a guy would rather hang around with a cat, you should take that as a sign of low interest.

 

He should subsequently be slipping down your list of priorities.

Edited April 28, 2016 by Jabron1

[ktragers]

 

When a guy would rather hang around with a cat, you should take that as a sign of low interest.

 

He should subsequently be slipping down your list of priorities.

 

Yes, I'll take a hint, but don't bring up getting into a relationship with me, dude.

 

That's where I was having a "huh?!" moment.

[ad4m]

However, I realize that I probably need to communicate about this with him first.

 

Hit the nail on the head there. Just talk to him and find out where he is in the relationship.

 

He obviously likes you and enjoys spending time with you, but we all need our alone time at some point.

 

And regarding wanting to spend some alone time with a cat over spending time with you, I would be somewhat concerned if he wasn't joking!

[Jabron1]

Yes, I'll take a hint, but don't bring up getting into a relationship with me, dude.

 

That's where I was having a "huh?!" moment.

 

Ridiculous people can put you in ridiculous situations.

 

I don't normally encourage 'princess behaviour', but I think a little more self-importance wouldn't go amiss here. Your time is more valuable than a cat's time (can't believe I just said that ).

 

He can be Dr Doolittle for all you care. He isn't spending proper time with you; that's what matters.

 

If he's messing you around like Kate said he is, then getting back to him should be very low on your 'to do' list - right down there with washing the dishes, or blowing your nose.

 

You're better than this. Everyone is.

[ktragers]

I'll provide a little update here. I went honest with him about feeling like receiving too many mixed signals from him, and we had a chat on the phone. I'm not sure it was a fruitful conversation as I was hoping for since he was so happy playing with the cat he's taking care of for the weekend (ugh, smh), but it did reveal some stuff I wasn't aware of before.

 

He basically explained that since he'd never been in a real, long term relationship before (the only one he was involved with seriously for a short period was long distance), he has no idea how to balance between spending time with a girl and enjoying his alone times. He said that sometimes after we'd spend a lot of time together, he's physically (or mentally) exhausted from the engagement and needs a breather, but it doesn't mean that he's tired of me as a person (or his date). He also isn't quite sure how to keep my interest without suffocating me with attention - like during the week he feels like if we'd just spent a whole weekend together, he really doesn't know what to talk about with me meaningfully when Monday or Tuesday rolls around. He said that he knows I like my alone times too and I do a lot of things with my friends, so he doesn't want me to be bored of him by constantly bombarding me with random texts or endless dog pictures.

 

I said maybe he's not done playing the field and that he's not ready to settle down, and when he's with me he can't go clubbing or hit on random girls at bars anymore. He said he'd thought about it but he enjoys spending time with me a lot and loves going out with me. He said he's not seeing anyone else and that he'd never done any of our trips/activities with any others, and that I'm basically his girlfriend. He also asked if I want to be with him.

 

In the end I said essentially he probably needs to figure out if he's ready to commit to one person and to be in a real relationship, and he said he'd take some time to think about it. Guess we won't be in touch for a few days at least. It sounds to me that he doesn't really know what he wants right now. Also he probably has no idea what a real relationship feels like since he has zero experience in that category.

[Dis]

Wait....your his gf and hes your bf but...he still has his OLD profile up???? Thats not a good sign at all. Wouldnt he take his profile down once you two became exclusive??? Thats what exculsivity is after all.....focusing on one person, forgoing any other options, giving yourselves to each other not anyone else....not continuing to shop around just in case.