amyO Posted April 26, 2016 Posted April 26, 2016 Ive been seeing this guy for 6 weeks. Everything has been going well- he reaches out to me, initiates dates and is very respectful. Last sunday(the17th), we had a very deep discussion about our personal lives. It was comforting to know we connected like that. We ended the date on a good note. This past week, ive been confused with his texting. Idk if i’m looking too far into things or i’m feeling he is distancing himself. We usually see eachother on wednesdays and sundays. I didnt hear from him on wednesday since i told him that day was my dad's birthday. Thursday he texted me saying he couldnt go to an event on sunday (the 24th)we had talked about because he was working. (He told me in advanced on our last date that it was possible he was working.) on friday i asked if he wanted to go out, but he said unfortunately he couldnt because his sister was home from college, but that "maybe" after work on sunday we could hangout. Sunday came and he texted saying sorry he was very tired from work (he was also at a bachelor party the night before) but "maybe" this wednesday we will see one another for dinner and drinks. He ended the conversation again saying “i’ll tell you about my night hopefully wednesday." He has always been truthful with everything and his plans. So i believe he is telling the truth. However, i feel like he doesnt want to see me. The fact that he keeps saying “maybe” and “hopefully” is upsetting me. I feel like it's a nice way to decline and not feel bad if he does end up not wanting to see me.
hugsandkisses Posted April 27, 2016 Posted April 27, 2016 And maybe he's met someone new... Are u guys exclusive? As in you're not seeing anybody else?
Author amyO Posted April 27, 2016 Author Posted April 27, 2016 I should mention- when he told me he couldn't go to the event on sunday he said, "next time we go, we will bring our own wine." I feel like if someone didnt want to see you anymore they wouldnt say a next time. They would have left it be. Same with him saying he couldnt see me sunday. He could have left it as not beng able to see me and not bring up anything about wednesday at all. But idk. I'm awful with dating. I should also add in, that in 5 weeks we had been on 8 dates. No intimacy- just making out. He's been very very respectful so far and honest.
Author amyO Posted April 27, 2016 Author Posted April 27, 2016 We have not talked about being exclusive yet. I was hoping we would talk about that soon, but from what i read about and heard advice on: it's better for the guy to have that conversation than for the girl to bring it up. I could be very wrong.. Ive been going with the flow and trying not to put pressure on him or us
hugsandkisses Posted April 27, 2016 Posted April 27, 2016 OP, as long as you haven't had the talk about being exclusive, don't put too much thought into this guy and keep your options open. You're overthinking every little details. From my experience I have met guys who kept mentioning "next time" but they ended up ghosting (ex came back, etc, whatever the case might be). So I learn not to put too much thought into what they say and actually pay attention to their action. If he's really into you like you are into him, trust me, u will know, and u wouldn't have all the doubts you're having right now. I believe him when he said he was busy and couldn't hang out, but if I were him I would lock u down for another date instead of just a "maybe". I'm seeing a guy exclusively and he makes time for me. He never once cancelled on me and there is never a "maybe". Meanwhile I have dated a guy who I thought everything was going so well because he kept telling me he'd bring me here and there and we'd do this and that and after 2 months he disappeared, he also cancelled on me twice and always told me "maybe". Just something I think about. I'm not saying it's the same with this guy but I'm just saying you should tread carefully and try not to put all your hope into this guy. Keep your options open. 2
Author amyO Posted April 27, 2016 Author Posted April 27, 2016 OP, as long as you haven't had the talk about being exclusive, don't put too much thought into this guy and keep your options open. You're overthinking every little details. From my experience I have met guys who kept mentioning "next time" but they ended up ghosting (ex came back, etc, whatever the case might be). So I learn not to put too much thought into what they say and actually pay attention to their action. If he's really into you like you are into him, trust me, u will know, and u wouldn't have all the doubts you're having right now. I believe him when he said he was busy and couldn't hang out, but if I were him I would lock u down for another date instead of just a "maybe". I'm seeing a guy exclusively and he makes time for me. He never once cancelled on me and there is never a "maybe". Meanwhile I have dated a guy who I thought everything was going so well because he kept telling me he'd bring me here and there and we'd do this and that and after 2 months he disappeared, he also cancelled on me twice and always told me "maybe". Just something I think about. I'm not saying it's the same with this guy but I'm just saying you should tread carefully and try not to put all your hope into this guy. Keep your options open. Thank you for your advice. I havent had much relationship success. For the first time in a long time i was happy to meet someone so respectful and so forth. My biggest fear is never meeting the right guy and being alone. I'v had a lot of setbacks the last 2 years. It's hard to put yourself out there and things not turning out as you hoped. Idk if it's my fears that are taking over or if my gut is right. Ive felt this way before and have been right. That's what is scaring me the most.
basil67 Posted April 27, 2016 Posted April 27, 2016 Ive been seeing this guy for 6 weeks. Everything has been going well- he reaches out to me, initiates dates and is very respectful. Last sunday(the17th), we had a very deep discussion about our personal lives. It was comforting to know we connected like that. We ended the date on a good note. This past week, ive been confused with his texting. Idk if i’m looking too far into things or i’m feeling he is distancing himself. We usually see eachother on wednesdays and sundays. I didnt hear from him on wednesday since i told him that day was my dad's birthday. Thursday he texted me saying he couldnt go to an event on sunday (the 24th)we had talked about because he was working. (He told me in advanced on our last date that it was possible he was working.) on friday i asked if he wanted to go out, but he said unfortunately he couldnt because his sister was home from college, but that "maybe" after work on sunday we could hangout. Sunday came and he texted saying sorry he was very tired from work (he was also at a bachelor party the night before) but "maybe" this wednesday we will see one another for dinner and drinks. He ended the conversation again saying “i’ll tell you about my night hopefully wednesday." He has always been truthful with everything and his plans. So i believe he is telling the truth. However, i feel like he doesnt want to see me. The fact that he keeps saying “maybe” and “hopefully” is upsetting me. I feel like it's a nice way to decline and not feel bad if he does end up not wanting to see me. At six weeks you're only seeing each other twice a week? While I can't speak for others, I'd be expecting a whole lot more at this stage. Does one of you have the brakes on or does one of you work a lot of the weekend?
hugsandkisses Posted April 27, 2016 Posted April 27, 2016 At six weeks you're only seeing each other twice a week? While I can't speak for others, I'd be expecting a whole lot more at this stage. Does one of you have the brakes on or does one of you work a lot of the weekend? 6 weeks and seeing each other twice a week I think is a good pace IMO. 3
hugsandkisses Posted April 27, 2016 Posted April 27, 2016 Thank you for your advice. I havent had much relationship success. For the first time in a long time i was happy to meet someone so respectful and so forth. My biggest fear is never meeting the right guy and being alone. I'v had a lot of setbacks the last 2 years. It's hard to put yourself out there and things not turning out as you hoped. Idk if it's my fears that are taking over or if my gut is right. Ive felt this way before and have been right. That's what is scaring me the most. I definitely can relate. I have experienced the same thing. However, I don't fear that I'm never meeting the right guy or fear of being alone. My last relationship was about a year ago, and I went right back out there dating because I missed being in a relationship, I missed intimacy with someone, and I had the worst luck during that time, so much so I decided to stop dating all together. I went out on tons of dates and they were all let downs, either no chemistry or the guy didn't feel the same about me, then when I did meet someone great I ruined it by overthinking and analyzing every single thing and calculated every move I made, and dating shouldn't be that difficult and I bet the guy could sense it and obviously it didn't work out. But then I found happiness doing ME, after I took a long break of a year of absolutely no dating. Then as soon as I find the balance in my life again, I get back into dating, no expectations, then I met a great guy, and I threw all the rules out the window (the complete opposite of me before, where I was always so anxious and nervous and played by the rules) and it's been so wonderful with this guy and we keep an open line of communication. Maybe you can talk to him? Be open and communicate? If a guy is turned off by you asking if he's seeing anyone else after a month and a half, he's definitely not that interested in you, but if he does like you, you asking him isn't gonna change that.
Author amyO Posted April 27, 2016 Author Posted April 27, 2016 At six weeks you're only seeing each other twice a week? While I can't speak for others, I'd be expecting a whole lot more at this stage. Does one of you have the brakes on or does one of you work a lot of the weekend? He works 7 days a week. And goes to school during the week so the fact that he even has time to see me is pretty good in my book 1
Author amyO Posted April 27, 2016 Author Posted April 27, 2016 I definitely can relate. I have experienced the same thing. However, I don't fear that I'm never meeting the right guy or fear of being alone. My last relationship was about a year ago, and I went right back out there dating because I missed being in a relationship, I missed intimacy with someone, and I had the worst luck during that time, so much so I decided to stop dating all together. I went out on tons of dates and they were all let downs, either no chemistry or the guy didn't feel the same about me, then when I did meet someone great I ruined it by overthinking and analyzing every single thing and calculated every move I made, and dating shouldn't be that difficult and I bet the guy could sense it and obviously it didn't work out. But then I found happiness doing ME, after I took a long break of a year of absolutely no dating. Then as soon as I find the balance in my life again, I get back into dating, no expectations, then I met a great guy, and I threw all the rules out the window (the complete opposite of me before, where I was always so anxious and nervous and played by the rules) and it's been so wonderful with this guy and we keep an open line of communication. Maybe you can talk to him? Be open and communicate? If a guy is turned off by you asking if he's seeing anyone else after a month and a half, he's definitely not that interested in you, but if he does like you, you asking him isn't gonna change that. Thank you for sharing that. Dating is hard especially when youre anxious and overanalyzing things. I'm happy to hear that after taking a break, you were able to breathe and from there, be calmer about dating. I hope to be like that as well one day. I can tell he is a good person to communitcate to. Again, we've opened up about our pasts. He wasn't put off by me - he was the one that actually startwd the conversation first and asked me questions. Which in turn he opened about his life. I feel like most guys wouldnt do that unless they really were interested/cared about who they were dating. I know he does respect me and has been honest. So hopefully his honesty continues. I think it definitely may be time for us to talk about "wel in some way 1
Versacehottie Posted April 27, 2016 Posted April 27, 2016 We have not talked about being exclusive yet. I was hoping we would talk about that soon, but from what i read about and heard advice on: it's better for the guy to have that conversation than for the girl to bring it up. I could be very wrong.. Ive been going with the flow and trying not to put pressure on him or us I think you shouldn't overthink it and analyze every text. Just go with the flow and realize that even if he is having week where he is freaking out or having doubts (founded or unfounded!) that chasing after him or letting it affect how you deal with him won't help matters. Stay breezy and I'll bet this will pass for him. Observe. I also agree that it is better to let the guy pin you down for exclusivity. You want to know how someone really feels about you? Yeah, let him pin you down A guy who is not feeling pressure is going to show you exactly who he is. This is what YOU need to know. You can have your limits, of course, but based on the time frame you've stated I don't think you are there yet. Some guys definitely freak out when they are realizing they really like you and can see it going somewhere; it's like they are considering the relationship on in a different dimension for the first time. Hard thing is, is that the pulling back looks just the same whatever the reason, the good one or the bad one. All you need to remember is that chasing after him whatever his thought process is will have the opposite effect of what you want. So no sense worrying about it. Have you standards and boundaries and make sure he meets those! Good luck
hugsandkisses Posted April 27, 2016 Posted April 27, 2016 Let him ask you to be his gf yes, waiting for him to have the exclusivity talk, not necessarily. U can bring it up with him as long as u don't make it seem like you're trying to pin him down. But then again you guys haven't been intimate so I think maybe you're not even there yet to discuss this matter. As for me, I was the one bringing up the talk and it went very well. But I have also been intimate with ththe guy so I thought that was neccesary. When the time is right u will know. I feel like it could be a bit too soon.
Author amyO Posted April 27, 2016 Author Posted April 27, 2016 Let him ask you to be his gf yes, waiting for him to have the exclusivity talk, not necessarily. U can bring it up with him as long as u don't make it seem like you're trying to pin him down. But then again you guys haven't been intimate so I think maybe you're not even there yet to discuss this matter. As for me, I was the one bringing up the talk and it went very well. But I have also been intimate with ththe guy so I thought that was neccesary. When the time is right u will know. I feel like it could be a bit too soon. This reminded me of a question ive wanted to ask. Ive always read on this site and other sites- that you shouldnt become intimiate before being exclusive. Which i agreed- others have even said to wait until youre bf/gf. Ive made mistakes with becoming intimate with a guy too soon. So i was happy that both this guy and I are taking it slow. I have obviously know idea where this is going between us, but for the future: is it okay that we havent been intimate yet after 8dates? Is it better to wait afer becoming exclusive or after being in a solid relationship to be intimate with someone? I know there is no correct answer, but i like to hear feedback. All of the advice i receives helps a lot.
SwordofFlame Posted April 27, 2016 Posted April 27, 2016 This reminded me of a question ive wanted to ask. Ive always read on this site and other sites- that you shouldnt become intimiate before being exclusive. Which i agreed- others have even said to wait until youre bf/gf. Ive made mistakes with becoming intimate with a guy too soon. So i was happy that both this guy and I are taking it slow. I have obviously know idea where this is going between us, but for the future: is it okay that we havent been intimate yet after 8dates? Is it better to wait afer becoming exclusive or after being in a solid relationship to be intimate with someone? I know there is no correct answer, but i like to hear feedback. All of the advice i receives helps a lot. As a guy, for me at least, I believe exclusivity and sex go together.
hugsandkisses Posted April 27, 2016 Posted April 27, 2016 This reminded me of a question ive wanted to ask. Ive always read on this site and other sites- that you shouldnt become intimiate before being exclusive. Which i agreed- others have even said to wait until youre bf/gf. Ive made mistakes with becoming intimate with a guy too soon. So i was happy that both this guy and I are taking it slow. I have obviously know idea where this is going between us, but for the future: is it okay that we havent been intimate yet after 8dates? Is it better to wait afer becoming exclusive or after being in a solid relationship to be intimate with someone? I know there is no correct answer, but i like to hear feedback. All of the advice i receives helps a lot. This is how it will kill any relationship before it even started! Please please please don't overthink it! There is no right or wrong time frame! If it feels right it feels right and yes I do think that taking it slow is great, but I do not believe in holding off on sex because you are following some rule! That's just silly. And I feel like you're abiding by the rules. I know why you're doing that because you're afraid of getting hurt. But listen, the moment you put yourself in the line of the potential candidates to be in the relationship with this guy is the moment you disqualify yourself. It's like reverse psychology. You start trying hard without even knowing that you do. You stop being authentic, you start being anxious. You know what I do? I disqualify myself from being his potential girlfriend. Instead I just have fun! And guess what, he would be a fool not to want to lock me down for himself. I have my days of worrying over nothing as well, but not over the top like this, I feel like you're definitely calculating every single move you make. It is NOT healthy! Lots of people say don't have sex before being exclusive but I can honestly say, trust your gut, if you feel like the guy is in it for sex, don't, if in your gut you feel like you really connect with him, and that you genuinely enjoy his company, who are we to say we can't have fun? For me intimacy brought me a whole lot closer to the guy I'm seeing right now (we were intimate on the second date) and I honestly haven't been this happy for a long long time. He makes me feel giggly and he's the sweetest guy ever! So trust your gut and intuition. 2
Versacehottie Posted April 27, 2016 Posted April 27, 2016 This is how it will kill any relationship before it even started! Please please please don't overthink it! There is no right or wrong time frame! If it feels right it feels right and yes I do think that taking it slow is great, but I do not believe in holding off on sex because you are following some rule! That's just silly. And I feel like you're abiding by the rules. I know why you're doing that because you're afraid of getting hurt. But listen, the moment you put yourself in the line of the potential candidates to be in the relationship with this guy is the moment you disqualify yourself. It's like reverse psychology. You start trying hard without even knowing that you do. You stop being authentic, you start being anxious. You know what I do? I disqualify myself from being his potential girlfriend. Instead I just have fun! And guess what, he would be a fool not to want to lock me down for himself. I have my days of worrying over nothing as well, but not over the top like this, I feel like you're definitely calculating every single move you make. It is NOT healthy! Lots of people say don't have sex before being exclusive but I can honestly say, trust your gut, if you feel like the guy is in it for sex, don't, if in your gut you feel like you really connect with him, and that you genuinely enjoy his company, who are we to say we can't have fun? For me intimacy brought me a whole lot closer to the guy I'm seeing right now (we were intimate on the second date) and I honestly haven't been this happy for a long long time. He makes me feel giggly and he's the sweetest guy ever! So trust your gut and intuition. great advice hugs&kisses! I would also say to OP that yeah don't overthink it or over-strategize it. On the other hand, i do think that unless you come from a sheltered or religious background that generally 8 dates is pretty slow to have such little physicality as the norm. While you shouldn't have to follow any rule or timeframe, I just want to make sure that you keep flirty, sexual tension there even if it hasn't been acted upon yet. That's good glue for a relationship 1
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