Author Ruby-Gloom Posted April 30, 2016 Author Posted April 30, 2016 OP is bent upon ' making ' her bf accept her 'friends' or helpers ,whatever way she wants to label them , while he IS moving on, I can guarantee on that. Its going to be one of those cases where " He was becoming so loving and we agreed on everything finally and he dumped me out of the blue. I am shocked ". Your posts are so hilarious and ridiculous that I'm tempted to just ignore them. Never had I said that I was forcing him to "deal with this" I was willing to have a discussion and he was not. He IS very loving but we do not agree on everything. The difference is that now he is usually more communicative about his thoughts and feelings...which allows us to discuss or compromise or whatever needs to be done. He is not pulling away or distancing himself, he is fighting like hell to keep me in his life.
Author Ruby-Gloom Posted April 30, 2016 Author Posted April 30, 2016 Hey Ruby, just in case you missed it, here's the video you asked me about a while back. It really helped me quite a bit learn how to check the jealousy that I would get. It allowed me to communicate issues and resolve them instead of just be angry and jealous. Thank you very much. I will check thst out when I have WiFi
katiegrl Posted April 30, 2016 Posted April 30, 2016 Your posts are so hilarious and ridiculous that I'm tempted to just ignore them. Never had I said that I was forcing him to "deal with this" I was willing to have a discussion and he was not. He IS very loving but we do not agree on everything. The difference is that now he is usually more communicative about his thoughts and feelings...which allows us to discuss or compromise or whatever needs to be done. He is not pulling away or distancing himself, he is fighting like hell to keep me in his life. Gotta agree with you Ruby. Don't get where mikeylo is coming from either. There is absolutely zero evidence that what he suggests is happening. Probably projecting his own experience on to your boyfriend.... happens a lot around here.
jen1447 Posted April 30, 2016 Posted April 30, 2016 I was about to say, how on earth does a polygamist get 'controlled'? I'm pretty much a 'polygamist' until I decide otherwise. I don't listen to sh*t. But when I'm in a serious relationship, I actually take someone's concerns seriously. And, suprise suprise! Men and women have different concerns. As is evidenced by the fact that every man on this thread has gone against the grain. I think women are far too paranoid about being 'controlled', to the point of being unreasonable. That ain't going to make me many fans, but it's the truth. Some of these posts have been way 'out there'. If I thought this guy was acting like a prat, I would (and have) said so. But, he does sort of have a point. It's only the way he's behaved after the fact that makes him a prat. Eh, what you might consider paranoia, most women probably think of as 'dealing with reality.' Fact is that life experience is vastly diff for men and women - we bscly have to go around all the time knowing that literally half the ppl out there can kick our asses if they want to. (Bc upper body strength disparities in general. There are exceptions of course but for your average woman, that's the reality.) By extension it becomes very prudent for us to learn to spot behaviors that are an indication of that sort of danger, including typical 'abuser/controller' behaviors in men, and avoid situations that'll put us at risk. Not the least of which are developing romantic relationships and cohabitating with them. So paranoia in your book, discretion in ours. I get that you don't and can't really know this intrinsically bc you're a guy, but I think you should avoid making presumptions about how life works for women. I'm pretty much a 'polygamist' until I decide otherwise. You pretty much practice having multiple wives until you decide otherwise? 2
Author Ruby-Gloom Posted April 30, 2016 Author Posted April 30, 2016 Gotta agree with you Ruby. Don't get where mikeylo is coming from either. There is absolutely zero evidence that what he suggests is happening. Probably projecting his own experience on to your boyfriend.... happens a lot around here. Thank you for your comment. I appreciate it. In fact, since we are currently in the long distance portion of our relationship, it would be easier than ever for one of us to pull away or give up. But this is not happening. We are both putting all of our energy into this, and it has done wonders for our communication. When I moved away from my hometown to live with him I quit my job and sold my car. When I came back home, I had to start back at total zero. I moved back in with my family, took out a small loan for school, finished school and got myself a decent job. Since getting my new job, I have bought myself a car and paid off my loan. I am now saving for a few essential furnishings and appliances and just about ready to start the apartment hunt. He has tried multiple times to get me to allow him to send me at least half of what I need to get us set up. I have told him that I want to do this for us on my own. When he gets here we will support each other, but for now I want to do this, even if it is taking a little longer. I have expressed my fear that I don't want him putting his money into this in case it were to not work out. He tells me that I'm being silly and that I worry too much. He says that he is fully confident that I am what he wants. He says that we have worked so hard and become closer than ever and he truly believes we can work through anything. He said on the chance that I DO end up breaking up with him, losing a few thousand dollars will be the least of his worries. Sorry for the long winded reply, but the point is, these are not the actions of a man who is pulling away or wants out. At the time I posted this thread I was caught off guard and a bit frustrated at him falling back into his old ways and mentality. Since then, after replying and explaining things to so many people...I have reminded myself exactly how far he has come since the beginning of our relationship. I think that an occasional relapse into the old mentality is actually natural and to be expected. The important thing is working through things together and trying to keep open communication through any problems.
katiegrl Posted April 30, 2016 Posted April 30, 2016 ^^Thank you jen, you summed that issue up beautifully! And LOL at your reply to "polygamist.". Jabron, it's polyamory. Easy mistake to make though. 1
jen1447 Posted April 30, 2016 Posted April 30, 2016 He has tried multiple times to get me to allow him to send me at least half of what I need to get us set up. I have told him that I want to do this for us on my own. When he gets here we will support each other, but for now I want to do this, even if it is taking a little longer. I have expressed my fear that I don't want him putting his money into this in case it were to not work out. He tells me that I'm being silly and that I worry too much. He says that he is fully confident that I am what he wants. He says that we have worked so hard and become closer than ever and he truly believes we can work through anything. He said on the chance that I DO end up breaking up with him, losing a few thousand dollars will be the least of his worries. Sorry for the long winded reply, but the point is, these are not the actions of a man who is pulling away or wants out. At the risk of actually sounding paranoid, this just worries me given the context of everything else. One of the hallmarks of controller types is to strip you of your financial independence, and the best ways to do that include merging finances and/or just taking over finances altogether so you essentially lose your freedom of movement. (See the numerous "I'm stuck here w/my abusive BF/husband" threads on here.) 2
Author Ruby-Gloom Posted April 30, 2016 Author Posted April 30, 2016 At the risk of actually sounding paranoid, this just worries me given the context of everything else. One of the hallmarks of controller types is to strip you of your financial independence, and the best ways to do that include merging finances and/or just taking over finances altogether so you essentially lose your freedom of movement. (See the numerous "I'm stuck here w/my abusive BF/husband" threads on here.) I can understand your fears, but I really don't think this is his intention here. He is not trying to force me to accept it, he is offering it to me as a means to get us together quicker. He made several offers and then ended with a "ok well if you need help you know you can ask me." For the sake of argument, lets say that this is or could be his intention. I'm not putting myself into a position to get trapped. I'm doing this on my own and the apartment that I choose will be one that I can afford on my single income. When he comes we will work together to support each other, but a I won't be in a position where I am dependant on him.
jen1447 Posted April 30, 2016 Posted April 30, 2016 I can understand your fears, but I really don't think this is his intention here. He is not trying to force me to accept it, he is offering it to me as a means to get us together quicker. He made several offers and then ended with a "ok well if you need help you know you can ask me." For the sake of argument, lets say that this is or could be his intention. I'm not putting myself into a position to get trapped. I'm doing this on my own and the apartment that I choose will be one that I can afford on my single income. When he comes we will work together to support each other, but a I won't be in a position where I am dependant on him. If you're sure of that, great. But I'll just keep playing devil's advocate anyway since it's more useful than just being a cheerleader .... -Abuser/controller types generally do charm their partners in the early stages, so an attempt to get into your financial business could very well come off initially as just an easy-going good-guy offer to help out. -Once a person starts living with you they have rights as a resident. That means they're not easily ejectable. And once they mix finances - joint banking account or even just informal agreements to "pay half" or whatever, it's 10 times harder to extricate yourself from those entanglements and their presence itself. -If you've got him at arm's length with this stuff right now, it doesn't mean it'll stay that way. Some ppl even get finessed into going further in w/out even really knowing it. This is all probably quite unlikely w/your guy but again, it's not like there's no basis for suspicion here. His reaction to the language learning thing was at best childish, at worst the manipulation of a controller/abuser. That's def red flag territory. :-/ Let me put it this way - I know we're not the same person, but if my BF did the exact same thing yours did by your account here, my reaction would be to first verify that that was the way he really felt (maybe give him a day to cool off first and then verify), and if it was, tell him it was time to pack his bags bc it was over. So yes, it's that serious. (And I'm generally not a reactionary type.) I know there are mitigating circumstances in your story based on what's happened since, and that's fine. I'm just illustrating the level of concern with the basic premise.
Author Ruby-Gloom Posted May 2, 2016 Author Posted May 2, 2016 If you're sure of that, great. But I'll just keep playing devil's advocate anyway since it's more useful than just being a cheerleader .... -Abuser/controller types generally do charm their partners in the early stages, so an attempt to get into your financial business could very well come off initially as just an easy-going good-guy offer to help out. -Once a person starts living with you they have rights as a resident. That means they're not easily ejectable. And once they mix finances - joint banking account or even just informal agreements to "pay half" or whatever, it's 10 times harder to extricate yourself from those entanglements and their presence itself. -If you've got him at arm's length with this stuff right now, it doesn't mean it'll stay that way. Some ppl even get finessed into going further in w/out even really knowing it. This is all probably quite unlikely w/your guy but again, it's not like there's no basis for suspicion here. His reaction to the language learning thing was at best childish, at worst the manipulation of a controller/abuser. That's def red flag territory. :-/ Let me put it this way - I know we're not the same person, but if my BF did the exact same thing yours did by your account here, my reaction would be to first verify that that was the way he really felt (maybe give him a day to cool off first and then verify), and if it was, tell him it was time to pack his bags bc it was over. So yes, it's that serious. (And I'm generally not a reactionary type.) I know there are mitigating circumstances in your story based on what's happened since, and that's fine. I'm just illustrating the level of concern with the basic premise. Thank you, I do appreciate your concern and your advice. Even if I don't think that these are my guys intensions, it's still good to be aware of the possibility
ChickiePops Posted May 2, 2016 Posted May 2, 2016 Honestly the biggest and worst red flag is the immature need to revenge flirt with teenagers. That just gives me a massive case of the icks. 2
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