How to Deal With My Boyfriend's Need to "Get Even"

[ChickiePops]

No, you really aren't getting it.

 

So f'ing what? You got hit on at the grocery store. I wouldn't give a damn.

 

If you got hit on at the grocery store every time, I would suggest you go to a different grocery store - so would any boyfriend who actually cared.

 

It's about balance.

 

And if I get hit on at every grocery store I walk into..then what?

 

If the OP gets hit on in every app she uses...then what?

 

It's not her fault and it doesn't mean she should isolate herself from the world.

[smackie9]

And if I get hit on at every grocery store I walk into..then what?

 

If the OP gets hit on in every app she uses...then what?

 

It's not her fault and it doesn't mean she should isolate herself from the world.

maybe he would be OK if she wore a paper bag over her head.

[Jabron1]

And if I get hit on at every grocery store I walk into..then what?

 

If the OP gets hit on in every app she uses...then what?

 

It's not her fault and it doesn't mean she should isolate herself from the world.

 

You are going to extremes and being unreasonable

 

Isolate herself from the world, pfft - so rediculous.

 

The app is obviously dodgy from what she has told us. It should have the option to select the gender that you want. If it doesn't, you find a different way. That's business

[katiegrl]

No, you really aren't getting it.

 

So f'ing what? You got hit on at the grocery store. I wouldn't give a damn.

 

If you got hit on at the grocery store every time, I would suggest you go to a different grocery store - so would any boyfriend who actually cared.

 

It's about balance.

 

Or maybe she should stop going to the grocery store altogether, cuz chances are if she gets hit on at one grocery store, she will get hit on at the others too.

 

In fact, if she's attractive she will get hit on wherever she goes!

 

Jabron I am really trying to understand your point, truly.

 

But finding it very difficult.

 

Attractive women get hit on, everyday, everywhere.

 

You have no control over that. And you have no control how your gf responds to it either.

 

It is simply unreasonable to expect a woman you are dating to not talk and interact with other men, at the grocery store, at work, in school, at an event, anywhere.

 

This is a relationship, not prison.

 

How would you like it? If your girlfriend proceeded to tell you who you can and cannot talk to based on your own fears or insecurities or whatever it is that troubles you.

 

If you are there, and witness it, fine. Punch the guy out if you want!

 

But to assume that every single guy she comes in contact with or chats with is hitting on her? Based merely on the fact that he's a guy and that's what guys do?

 

That's a stretch.

 

But again, even IF that were true... if you trust your gf you have NOTHING to worry about.

 

Or maybe it's not even worry, but a territorial thing.

 

Or an ego thing.

 

My ex was like that in the beginning....

 

He grew out of it.

[katiegrl]

maybe he would be OK if she wore a paper bag over her head.

 

LMAO..

 

Thank you I needed that!!

[Jabron1]

I'm just going to say this, and then be done - I'm not here to change anyone's mind

 

If you put yourself in a position that is so insecure that you have to bring up to every man you meet that you have a boyfriend in the initial exchange, that's probably not a good place to be.

 

Sure, a boyfriend should just put up with anything. Good luck with that

 

My overall point was that they should work together on this issue. The other points seem to be that he should like it or lump it - not a healthy mind set in my opinion.

[katiegrl]

The app is obviously dodgy from what she has told us. It should have the option to select the gender that you want. If it doesn't, you find a different way. That's business

 

Jabron.... I am gonna give you this one.

 

Assuming this app IS dodgy and that the majority of guys on that app are in fact treating it like Tinder and were in fact hitting on me.... then I would, on my own, want to leave and find another app where this didn't happen.

 

Why? Not because it makes my boyfriend insecure or jealous. But because I have integrity and when I am in a RL I personally do NOT enjoy constantly getting hit on by strange men. It actually annoys me.

 

My ex knew this about me, therefore he trusted me to always make the right decision. And never worried about it.

[Jabron1]

Jabron.... I am gonna give you this one.

 

Assuming this app IS dodgy and that the majority of guys on that app are in fact treating it like Tinder and were in fact hitting on me.... then I would, on my own, want to leave and find another app where this didn't happen.

 

Why? Not because it makes my boyfriend insecure or jealous. But because I have integrity and when I am in a RL I personally do NOT enjoy constantly getting hit on by strange men. It actually annoys me.

 

My ex knew this about me, therefore he trusted me to always make the right decision. And never worried about it.

 

That's what I, and the other guys, are trying to get across.

 

I would be expect a girlfriend to be uncomfortable in that environment, and not want to go there.

 

I would then help her to find an alternative. It's about working together.

 

The problem that I see is that he isn't acting like an adult and looking to work with her, and that she (only slightly) seems to be set in her ways too.

 

Compromise people

[katiegrl]

That's what I, and the other guys, are trying to get across.

 

I would be expect a girlfriend to be uncomfortable in that environment, and not want to go there.

 

I would then help her to find an alternative. It's about working together.

 

The problem that I see is that he isn't acting like an adult and looking to work with her, and that she (only slightly) seems to be set in her ways too.

 

Compromise people

 

Is she constantly getting hit on though?

 

If she is, I missed it.

[jen1447]

As usual this sort of thing would be a bit diff in my world so take it w/a grain of salt, but FWIW I wouldn't react well at all to any attempt by anyone in my life to 'control' my freedom or my movements, etc. And I don't even mean in the context of open relationships.

[katiegrl]

As usual this sort of thing would be a bit diff in my world so take it w/a grain of salt, but FWIW I wouldn't react well at all to any attempt by anyone in my life to 'control' my freedom or my movements, etc. And I don't even mean in the context of open relationships.

 

FWIW.... I wouldn't react well either jen.

 

In fact, for me, controlling = dealbreaker.

 

I behave with integrity. He needs to trust me.

 

If he can't, then, for me, it's next.

[Ruby-Gloom]

OP, what you believe that he is ' getting better ' is actually him making a quiet exit from you and the relationship. He is probably getting over you while being with you. Emotionally distancing himself from you.He has probably made up his mind.

 

When someone stops complaining after bringing it to your attention several times and sees that it isnt helping , they plan their exit.

 

Break up is on the horizon. You are choosing male attention over a bf. Be careful of what you ask for.

 

I can't keep up on replies to everyone at this point, but I do have to reply to this one...since it is just completely ridiculous.

 

He is not emotionally distancing himself from me, he is working on his communication. He is working on thinking before he speaks and not letting his anger and insecurities rule his actions. He is sending me long romantic emails, and trying to have a positive attitude.

 

This incident has been one of only a few situations in the past year where he has reacted without thinking his actions through.

[Jabron1]

As usual this sort of thing would be a bit diff in my world so take it w/a grain of salt, but FWIW I wouldn't react well at all to any attempt by anyone in my life to 'control' my freedom or my movements, etc. And I don't even mean in the context of open relationships.

 

I was about to say, how on earth does a polygamist get 'controlled'?

 

I'm pretty much a 'polygamist' until I decide otherwise. I don't listen to sh*t. But when I'm in a serious relationship, I actually take someone's concerns seriously.

 

And, suprise suprise! Men and women have different concerns. As is evidenced by the fact that every man on this thread has gone against the grain.

 

I think women are far too paranoid about being 'controlled', to the point of being unreasonable. That ain't going to make me many fans, but it's the truth. Some of these posts have been way 'out there'.

 

If I thought this guy was acting like a prat, I would (and have) said so. But, he does sort of have a point. It's only the way he's behaved after the fact that makes him a prat.

 

This incident has been one of only a few situations in the past year where he has reacted without thinking his actions through.

 

From what you've said, he does seem to act out emotionally. Hence the petty jealousy angle that he tried

 

He was just hurt. Try to see it for what it is.

[Blanco]

Dear oh dear. You don't seem to get it.

 

Guys hitting on my girlfriend would piss me off. Doesn't matter if I have 100% trust in her, and know nothing will ever happen.

 

So a woman that constantly puts herself in a position to get hit on would consistently piss me off.

 

And I've got news for you, a guy that doesn't care about that, probably doesn't care in general. Or, he's so whipped that he'll accept anything.

 

Man, I don't know about this. This sounds like the same line of reasoning that some people use to say a woman who got raped put herself in that position. Fact is, dudes are horndogs and many don't have any qualms about hitting on women they find attractive. Doesn't matter if it's the bar, at work, or at an Office Max.

 

My ex used to get hit on often when we were out in social settings. I guess she put herself in this position by not being holed up at home, because all she'd be doing is either literally sitting down or maybe standing and guys would approach her. She'd always rebuff them and that'd be that. She didn't do anything to encourage this. Are you saying I should've gotten upset with her? I wasn't crazy about it, but I saw with my own eyes that she wasn't doing anything to bring this sort of attention on herself aside from being attractive and in a social setting.

[Ruby-Gloom]

I'm just going to say this, and then be done - I'm not here to change anyone's mind

 

If you put yourself in a position that is so insecure that you have to bring up to every man you meet that you have a boyfriend in the initial exchange, that's probably not a good place to be.

 

Sure, a boyfriend should just put up with anything. Good luck with that

 

My overall point was that they should work together on this issue. The other points seem to be that he should like it or lump it - not a healthy mind set in my opinion.

 

Jabron, the thing is, is that I'm not mentioning my boyfriend because I feel the need to. I'm doing out of respect for my boyfriend and to make it crystal clear that I'm there to learn. I slip it in casually just in case. Usually the question that comes up right away is "So why are you interested in learning Italian?" So then I'll reply "Well my boyfriend and I want to travel there one day, maybe for our honeymoon."

 

So far flirtations have been extremely rare, I only mention my boyfriend to further protect myself from unwanted comments. I find the online learning situation easy because you can simply block, report, or ignore people behaving inappropriately. I am not putting myself into a position to repeatedly get hit on, nor would I want to.

 

I believe in compromise and working things out together, but both people need to be willing to do so.

[Ruby-Gloom]

Is she constantly getting hit on though?

 

If she is, I missed it.

 

Thank you! This is the thing that most people are either ignoring or have missed. Most people that I have encounterd have been using this app appropriately.

 

One guy who didn't even speak Italian kept trying to message me. Just things like "Hey" "how are you?" "Hey you there?" I completely ignored him and when he didn't stop trying I blocked and reported him. I was able to select my reasons for reporting him and I chose "Not a language learner" "not a language match" and "spam"

 

Of course anywhere you go people have the opportunity to break the rules, but that doesn't mean that everyone is going to do it. This app tries it's best to present itself as a learning experience and gives the user the tools to deal with people who abuse it.

Edited April 29, 2016 by Ruby-Gloom

[Jabron1]

Man, I don't know about this. This sounds like the same line of reasoning that some people use to say a woman who got raped put herself in that position. Fact is, dudes are horndogs and many don't have any qualms about hitting on women they find attractive. Doesn't matter if it's the bar, at work, or at an Office Max.

 

My ex used to get hit on often when we were out in social settings. I guess she put herself in this position by not being holed up at home, because all she'd be doing is either literally sitting down or maybe standing and guys would approach her. She'd always rebuff them and that'd be that. She didn't do anything to encourage this. Are you saying I should've gotten upset with her? I wasn't crazy about it, but I saw with my own eyes that she wasn't doing anything to bring this sort of attention on herself aside from being attractive and in a social setting.

 

Mate, you're bringing up rape. That's an instant dismissal from me.

 

Jabron, the thing is, is that I'm not mentioning my boyfriend because I feel the need to. I'm doing out of respect for my boyfriend and to make it crystal clear that I'm there to learn. I slip it in casually just in case. Usually the question that comes up right away is "So why are you interested in learning Italian?" So then I'll reply "Well my boyfriend and I want to travel there one day, maybe for our honeymoon."

 

So far flirtations have been extremely rare, I only mention my boyfriend to further protect myself from unwanted comments. I find the online learning situation easy because you can simply block, report, or ignore people behaving inappropriately. I am not putting myself into a position to repeatedly get hit on, nor would I want to.

 

I believe in compromise and working things out together, but both people need to be willing to do so.

 

That's cool

 

Now you've told us more about this app, it doesn't sound so bad. It sounds like the app gives you the proper tools to deal with idiots. But, judging by the guys responses here, you can see how people get carried away with first impressions.

 

Have you told your boyfriend all of this stuff? Or has he listened?

 

The real problem is that instead of compromise, he went straight for the jealousy angle. When this could have been worked out much easier

[Ruby-Gloom]

Mate, you're bringing up rape. That's an instant dismissal from me.

 

 

 

That's cool

 

Now you've told us more about this app, it doesn't sound so bad. It sounds like the app gives you the proper tools to deal with idiots. But, judging by the guys responses here, you can see how people get carried away with first impressions.

 

Have you told your boyfriend all of this stuff? Or has he listened?

 

The real problem is that instead of compromise, he went straight for the jealousy angle. When this could have been worked out much easier

 

In the beginning I tried to explain this to him, but I don't think he was listening, I think his emotions were too strong.

 

As it stands now, I think he may even regret his reaction to the situation. He has seemed extra sweet and loving today and yesterday. I am hoping that he will finally be open for a real discussion today.

[Jabron1]

In the beginning I tried to explain this to him, but I don't think he was listening, I think his emotions were too strong.

 

As it stands now, I think he may even regret his reaction to the situation. He has seemed extra sweet and loving today and yesterday. I am hoping that he will finally be open for a real discussion today.

 

Perhaps one of the takeaways from this thread is how important the framing of a concept is

 

It really did sound dodgy to me until your last 2 or 3 posts. First impressions are important - but even more so is compromise.

 

The first impression probably made him emotional, and then his lack of compromise made him stick to his position: creating a mountain out of a molehill.

 

I hope that you two can have a proper chat and work together on stuff. Life's too short to be opposed with your boyfriend/girlfriend

[kendahke]

He does not want to discuss the situation and that is a major part of the problem. He basically just keeps repeating "I don't like it" and "I don't like you talking to other men" I believe compromise is an important part to any relationship, but how can two people arrive at a compromise without a discussion? I do care about his feelings and I don't want to hurt him, but I don't like him trying to flat out tell me I can't do something.

 

I also realize that there are many ways to learn a language. This is not my only or even my main avenue for trying to teach myself. I have two other (solo) apps that are my main source of learning so far, Duolingo and Memorize. This chat app, Language Talks, has been serving as a way to test out what I have learned in the other two apps. The solo learning is great and my preferred method, but I feel like they are not providing a complete learning experience. For example, I said "arriverderci" to an Italian person and she said "arriverderci you do not say to friends, you say it to the bank manager." Then she gave me multiple ways of saying a more casual goodbye to a friend. As another example, I said to one guy "Io sono molto stanco. Vorrei del caffè, per favore. Con latte, no zucchero." Meaning, I am very tired. I would like some coffee please. With milk, no sugar. He corrected my sentance, changing 'stanco' to 'stanca' and 'no zucchero' to 'zucchero no'

 

Also, I'm not sure if it is clear that I am using this app as texting only. It allows you to do phone calls and voice messages, but I'm not comfortable with that.

 

The only way you become fluent in a foreign language is to talk to someone who speaks that language fluently. You're not going to become fluent with someone who doesn't even speak it (or knows less about it than you do) or with duolingo/mesmrise. They'll only get you so far, but you need to talk to fluent speakers. That's just the plain fact about it.

 

 

Is there any way you can specify on the app that you'll only respond to women? If you want to appease your boyfriend and keep those eggshells from crunching so loudly. Personally, I'd have kicked him to the curb a long time ago. He's too old for this level of stupidity. Tragic.

[LoveRefreshed]

 

video:

 

 

Hey Ruby, just in case you missed it, here's the video you asked me about a while back. It really helped me quite a bit learn how to check the jealousy that I would get. It allowed me to communicate issues and resolve them instead of just be angry and jealous.

[Poutrew]

Whew... long thread! The gist of what I'm sensing is that the OP is not going to stop using the app. She has her sights set on her boyfriend eventually accepting her position and then she can have the best of both worlds - language partners on the net, and an accepting BF. She says she will not cheat, fair enough. Then I should also think she ought to have no problem with him having his Japanese girl-woman friendship as well. I mean doesn't trust extend both ways? OP, you should ask him if you can see the chat logs of his virtual friendship. If it were me, I'd have no problem letting you peruse them...

[mikeylo]

OP is bent upon ' making ' her bf accept her 'friends' or helpers ,whatever way she wants to label them , while he IS moving on, I can guarantee on that.

 

Its going to be one of those cases where " He was becoming so loving and we agreed on everything finally and he dumped me out of the blue. I am shocked ".

[elaine567]

If he doesn't like Ruby-Gloom talking to other men then how on earth is that going to play out in real life?

Or is Ruby-Gloom destined to be the SAHM shielded from the world, who eventually isn't allowed to go anywhere without the bf in tow in case she gets hit on by other men?

 

Overly jealous men can at first seem like a good thing, "He loves me so much he cannot bear to lose me", but it usually all gets pretty toxic as her life ultimately revolves around appeasing his jealousy and bowing down to his control.

The OP's bf may be "coming round" and is being nice now, but his work is done, he accomplished his objective, he can afford to be nice now, he successfully manipulated the situation to his advantage.

The OP is now tying herself in knots trying to use the app so he doesn't get upset with her and so he doesn't keep chatting up his Japanese woman/child.

No doubt she will think twice before using any other innocent app again, for fear of upsetting him further.

Already her life is being restricted... drip drip drip.

 

Disclaimer - overly jealous women can be just as toxic.

[Ruby-Gloom]

Whew... long thread! The gist of what I'm sensing is that the OP is not going to stop using the app. She has her sights set on her boyfriend eventually accepting her position and then she can have the best of both worlds - language partners on the net, and an accepting BF. She says she will not cheat, fair enough. Then I should also think she ought to have no problem with him having his Japanese girl-woman friendship as well. I mean doesn't trust extend both ways? OP, you should ask him if you can see the chat logs of his virtual friendship. If it were me, I'd have no problem letting you peruse them...

 

Hi there. Since you are coming in at the end and there are so many pages of posts, I thought I'd fill you in a bit.

 

So the main issue here wasn't exactly the app itself, but how he responded to me using it. I would have been willing to discuss it with him, so that we could work together on a solution. He was too emotional for a discussion and ended up just reacting in anger.

 

The issue with the Japanese girl isn't that I don't trust him, or that he is talking to a girl. It's that he chose his specific girl with the intention of making me jealous. Him using a teen to try to make me jealous left me feeling queasy, as did his intentions of "pay back". As well as the fact that she is using the app in the way that she is. Posting pictures of herself and turning it into a social media page. She is the female version of the kind of guys I would instantly ignore.