Jabron1 Posted April 29, 2016 Posted April 29, 2016 So basically what you're saying is that once a woman enters into a relationship with a man, the man should have complete control over who she speaks to? Spare me the feminist nonsense. If you want to talk like adults, cool. It doesn't sound like the OP ignored her boyfriend, it sounds like she disagreed with him. Disagreeing with someone doesn't mean you haven't listened to them..he's not her lord and dictator. Based on the further info that she gave, it doesn't sound like he's working with her on this. I've already said that he should be handling this better. I think that more so now. If my boyfriend tried this with me I'd laugh myself silly..but he never would because he is secure in the fact that I wouldn't cheat on him. If you laughed at me, you'd be gone. Cause I can do far better than that. I am relatively attractive. I get hit on. It's not the fact that women get hit on that should matter, it's how we react to it. No. It's about not putting yourself in a position to get hit on constantly. That's just stupid, and irresponsible.
mikeylo Posted April 29, 2016 Posted April 29, 2016 The way I see it : your bf is not trying to get even with you. You are giving him reasons to leave the relationship. There are thousands of ways to learn a language or do anything in life.If it comes at the cost of your relationship, I wouldnt do it. I have my priorities straight. He is not insecure, mean or jealous. YOU are being inconsiderate and expecting him to accept what you wouldnt. Look at yourself ! He checked out on ONE girl and you made a massive thread out of it. While you are enjoying attention from so many guys ( irrespective of the reason, you are ! ) You are in the wrong, like it or not. 2
katiegrl Posted April 29, 2016 Posted April 29, 2016 (edited) If you can't pass on some strangers' attention for the sake of your boyfriend's feelings, then you shouldn't be with them. Clearly there's an issue with priorities. If the goal is to learn a language, then why not find a means to do that so it doesn't involve putting yourself in a situation to be hit on. It makes one question the motives. This, from a man who refuses to make his girlfriend of five months a priority. So she needs to stop talking with other guys on a language app so as to not hurt YOUR feelings.... while you reserve the right to do as you please in not making her a priority. Perhaps if you are unable to make your girlfriends a priority at five months in....you shouldn't be with them either. Edited April 29, 2016 by katiegrl 1
LoveRefreshed Posted April 29, 2016 Posted April 29, 2016 Actually, you're wrong. As I have said multiple times, if a man does start hitting on me, I tell him I have a boyfriend. If he doesn't stop, I walk away. It would make ME uncomfortable to go sit at the table with two men who have hit on me. I love my boyfriend and I have no desire to hurt him and no desire to be with anyone else. Yes, if I deliberately chose to go hang out with two men who've hit on me, it would make my boyfriend uncomfortable. But I wouldn't do that, because like I said, I'm not looking to get hit on. I'm not some attention wh*re who's desperate to be validated, I'm just friendly. You keep trying to make the OP and I out to be needy, insecure little girls who are just endless black holes that are desperate for male attention. I can't speak for the OP but she doesn't seem that way to me, and I'm definitely not like that. You've clearly been cheated on and therefore have zero trust at all for women, but not all women are like whomever cheated on you. The OP is choosing to learn Italian through an immersion technique. Some people learn better this way. In the past, she might've gone to Italy to do this but now she can download an app on her phone that allows her to speak to native Italian speakers who can correct her grammar and teach her things. It sounds to me like this is her sole purpose for being on this app. it doesn't mean she's looking to get hit on, but if she's female and breathing, it's gonna happen. If she wanted to cheat, I'm sure she would find an easier way to do it. She seems to just want to learn Italian. You're wrong. I am not. If you look at my post on the end of page 3, you can see that I have understood OP quite well and have given her very positive suggestions on how to tackle the problem with OPs man as him being jealous. Now, you've read one post by me, called me an angry woman hater. I think you're jumping to conclusions. I have actually never been cheated on my a woman in my life. I have been the man a woman has cheater on her boyfriend with on more occasions than I have slept with single women. To whom do we owe my cynicism? myself. You actually just validated my point. Because you care about your boyfriend, you would not sit next to the men hitting on you. If OP cared a bit, she wouldn't put herself in a position to be flirted with by strange men in different countries. As someone who learned german at the age of 30, Lass mich sagen, dass ein Phoneapp Immersiontechnik nicht ist. It's not an immersion technique to text in a foreign language. Immersion is reading, writing, speaking in that language. It's communicating with it as your only way to communicate. There are forums with italiano as the language, websites written in it, books written in it, moves spoken in it. All the media out there, and the one she chooses, despite her bf's feelings, is the one where the guy to girl ratio is about 80:1. Right OP, I'm making all women out to be bad people... ...Let me go get you a wooden cross and some nails and you can work on being the next martyr.
LoveRefreshed Posted April 29, 2016 Posted April 29, 2016 This, from a man who refuses to make his girlfriend of five months a priority. So she needs to stop talking with other guys on a language app so as to not hurt YOUR feelings.... while you reserve the right to do as you please in not making her a priority. Perhaps if you are unable to make your girlfriends a priority at five months in....you shouldn't be with them either. A priority over a career. I make her a priority over flirting with other women. I avoid strip clubs. So do women who not like their men going to strip clubs fall into being jealous and controlling? Plus kate, please don't cross thread these discussions. It isn't very conducive to the goal of LS.
katiegrl Posted April 29, 2016 Posted April 29, 2016 Just out of curiosity, to Jabron and LR... if OP opted to take a live class in Italian at a local community college instead of attempting to learn it on line via a language app.... should she NOT talk to/interact with any of the guys in class either? So as to not hurt your feelings? Again, just curious.
LoveRefreshed Posted April 29, 2016 Posted April 29, 2016 Just out of curiosity, to Jabron and LR... if OP opted to take a live class in Italian at a local community college instead of attempting to learn it on line via a language app.... should she NOT talk to/interact with any of the guys in class either? So as to not hurt your feelings? Again, just curious. I'd be okay with that. It's a different situation. OP can avoid the 'not dating' language phone app but not men in a class. I'm not even saying OP should not use the app. I'm just saying it seems strange to not avoid a situation when it can be avoided.
Jabron1 Posted April 29, 2016 Posted April 29, 2016 Just out of curiosity, to Jabron and LR... if OP opted to take a live class in Italian at a local community college instead of attempting to learn it on line via a language app.... should she NOT talk to/interact with any of the guys in class either? So as to not hurt your feelings? Again, just curious. No, because the guys there are less likely to treat it like Tinder. 1
katiegrl Posted April 29, 2016 Posted April 29, 2016 No, because the guys there are less likely to treat it like Tinder. Is that what's she doing? Flirting and treating it like Tinder? Apologies I must have misunderstood. I thought she said it was a "non-dating" app and if one used it for that purpose, they would be banned. It's a language app... meaning you're there to learn a language and to talk to and interact with others learning the same language. Where do you get that she is flirting and treating it like Tinder? Did I miss something?
Jabron1 Posted April 29, 2016 Posted April 29, 2016 Is that what's she doing? Flirting and treating it like Tinder? No, but the guys are. Come on, Kate. Don't be naive. There's a reason all these guys want to speak to her online. Same thing with when her boyfriend tried the same thing and got nowhere. It's an exact mirror image of online dating. 1
katiegrl Posted April 29, 2016 Posted April 29, 2016 No, but the guys are. Come on, Kate. Don't be naive. There's a reason all these guys want to speak to her online. Same thing with when her boyfriend tried the same thing and got nowhere. It's an exact mirror image of online dating. No I don't get it. Everyone is there to learn Italian. This requires talking to and interacting with each other. Not to mention, if any of the guys were flirting and treating it like Tinder, they would be banned. Not to mention, would not the same be true in a live class at a community college? That if guys talk to her there.... they're all flirting because that's how guys are? And even if they were... how can you control that? You can't and it would be wrong to try. By playing tit for tat and/or otherwise guilt tripping her into not talking to guys, ever, because in your mind, they're all hitting on her? You come on now Jabron. Either you trust HER or you don't. Yes guys will continue to hit on us, big whoop. Again, you trust your girlfriend you have nothing to worry about. 3
Jabron1 Posted April 29, 2016 Posted April 29, 2016 This, from a man who refuses to make his girlfriend of five months a priority. So she needs to stop talking with other guys on a language app so as to not hurt YOUR feelings.... while you reserve the right to do as you please in not making her a priority. Perhaps if you are unable to make your girlfriends a priority at five months in....you shouldn't be with them either. That was a bit harsh. I'll tell you now, I've been dumped once in my life out of 6 long term relationships, and that was because I didn't tell a girl that I loved her, so she dumped me. I actually treat relationships with a lot of respect. That's why I don't enter them willy-nilly. I give a lot of value to the people around me. I'm not a 'taker' or moocher. But, I have certain expectations from a girl. One of them is not putting herself in a compromising position over and over. I think that's fair enough. My ex was Polish and wanted help with her English. I helped her. That's why I know it's possible for them to work together on this. But, instead of working together on something, it's driving them apart. I'm trying to help - not put anyone down.
katiegrl Posted April 29, 2016 Posted April 29, 2016 That was a bit harsh. I'll tell you now, I've been dumped once in my life out of 6 long term relationships, and that was because I didn't tell a girl that I loved her, so she dumped me. I actually treat relationships with a lot of respect. That's why I don't enter them willy-nilly. I give a lot of value to the people around me. I'm not a 'taker' or moocher. But, I have certain expectations from a girl. One of them is not putting herself in a compromising position over and over. I think that's fair enough. My ex was Polish and wanted help with her English. I helped her. That's why I know it's possible for them to work together on this. But, instead of working together on something, it's driving them apart. I'm trying to help - not put anyone down. Not trying to be harsh... just trying to make a point. It sounded like a bit of a double standard to me, tis all. Apologies to LR if I offended. 1
mrldii Posted April 29, 2016 Posted April 29, 2016 ...No. It's about not putting yourself in a position to get hit on constantly. That's just stupid, and irresponsible. In other words, women should never leave the house without a male escort? So the radical Muslims do have it *right*? Oh, and if you'd like to be spared the "feminist nonsense", stop with the "machismo jibberish". 5
mikeylo Posted April 29, 2016 Posted April 29, 2016 OP, what you believe that he is ' getting better ' is actually him making a quiet exit from you and the relationship. He is probably getting over you while being with you. Emotionally distancing himself from you.He has probably made up his mind. When someone stops complaining after bringing it to your attention several times and sees that it isnt helping , they plan their exit. Break up is on the horizon. You are choosing male attention over a bf. Be careful of what you ask for. 2
Jabron1 Posted April 29, 2016 Posted April 29, 2016 OP, what you believe that he is ' getting better ' is actually him making a quiet exit from you and the relationship. He is probably getting over you while being with you. Emotionally distancing himself from you.He has probably made up his mind. When someone stops complaining after bringing it to your attention several times and sees that it isnt helping , they plan their exit. Break up is on the horizon. You are choosing male attention over a bf. Be careful of what you ask for. Exactly. Listen, or don't. It's your choice. Yes, he's acting puerile. But, it takes two in a relationship. You should work together a bit more
LoveRefreshed Posted April 29, 2016 Posted April 29, 2016 Not trying to be harsh... just trying to make a point. It sounded like a bit of a double standard to me, tis all. Apologies to LR if I offended. Not offended. I don't prioritize girls I've known for 1.6% of my life over something I've dedicated 30% of my life to that funds my requirements for life and making a family. If my gf of 5 months asked me not to go to a strip club because she's worried a stripper is going to throw herself at me (lol, yea right) and I won't be able to resist it, I'd not go despte knowing full I wouldn't do it because I'm not a cheat AND well the risk of getting genital herpies is probably real. It's about learning what things are worth fighting for and what things your pride and principle are negatively impacting. 1
katiegrl Posted April 29, 2016 Posted April 29, 2016 Not offended. I don't prioritize girls I've known for 1.6% of my life over something I've dedicated 30% of my life to that funds my requirements for life and making a family. If my gf of 5 months asked me not to go to a strip club because she's worried a stripper is going to throw herself at me (lol, yea right) and I won't be able to resist it, I'd not go despte knowing full I wouldn't do it because I'm not a cheat AND well the risk of getting genital herpies is probably real. It's about learning what things are worth fighting for and what things your pride and principle are negatively impacting. Fabulous! I think it would also behoove you to learn to trust your gf and not worry about whether or not other guys are hitting on her on a language app, or anywhere else. You cannot control how other guys behave. You can't even control how your girlfriend behaves. If you don't trust her to behave appropriately, on an app or in the real world, then you leave. The end. 1
Jabron1 Posted April 29, 2016 Posted April 29, 2016 Fabulous! I think it would also behoove you to learn to trust your gf and not worry about whether or not other guys are hitting on her on a language app, or anywhere else. You cannot control how other guys behave. You can't even control how your girlfriend behaves. If you don't trust her to behave appropriately, on an app or in the real world, then you leave. The end. Dear oh dear. You don't seem to get it. Guys hitting on my girlfriend would piss me off. Doesn't matter if I have 100% trust in her, and know nothing will ever happen. So a woman that constantly puts herself in a position to get hit on would consistently piss me off. And I've got news for you, a guy that doesn't care about that, probably doesn't care in general. Or, he's so whipped that he'll accept anything.
katiegrl Posted April 29, 2016 Posted April 29, 2016 (edited) Dear oh dear. You don't seem to get it. Guys hitting on my girlfriend would piss me off. Doesn't matter if I have 100% trust in her, and know nothing will ever happen. So a woman that constantly puts herself in a position to get hit on would consistently piss me off. And I've got news for you, a guy that doesn't care about that, probably doesn't care in general. Or, he's so whipped that he'll accept anything. Jabron I could understand your feelings IF you were to actually witness a man (men) hitting on your girlfriend. Yes my boyfriends would be pissed too! In fact, my ex almost got into a fist fight with one guy who attempted to hit on me at a club! But OP's boyfriend has not witnessed it... he is assuming based, IMO, on his own insecurity. There is no evidence that any of these guys have hit on OP. Again, it's a language app, everyone is there to learn a language, which requires talking and interacting with each other. Same as if it were a live class at a community college. And what about at work? Should she not talk/interact with any of her male colleagues at work either? Because in your mind, they're all hitting on her? IMO it is very controlling for a guy to expect or demand his gf not speak to other guys out of fear that "they" may be hitting on her. That is ludicrous! May as well just keep her locked up in the house if that's your attitude. Edited April 29, 2016 by katiegrl
Emilia Posted April 29, 2016 Posted April 29, 2016 In a relationship I am not shy, I am my true self and I am wacky, funny, kind, and loving. While I am kind in a relationship, I am not meek. I am willing to stand up for myself and to give my honest opinion on things. It takes a lot to truly make me angry, but I can get very angry in certain situations. I also am a very understanding person who tends to see the good in people. I am willing to give a person multiple chances and willing to help them through things. To some or many of you this may seem like a fault....but I believe in patience, understanding, and forgiveness beyond what some people may be willing to put up with. Yeah it is a fault when you are too understanding - as it appears to be the case here. It's usually an excuse not to make a difficult decision, especially if you think it would take you a while to find someone new.
ChickiePops Posted April 29, 2016 Posted April 29, 2016 (edited) Dear oh dear. You don't seem to get it. Guys hitting on my girlfriend would piss me off. Doesn't matter if I have 100% trust in her, and know nothing will ever happen. So a woman that constantly puts herself in a position to get hit on would consistently piss me off. And I've got news for you, a guy that doesn't care about that, probably doesn't care in general. Or, he's so whipped that he'll accept anything. No sweet pea..YOU don't get it. Last week the man standing behind me at the grocery store flirted with me. Should I stop going to the grocery store? Flirtation can happen anywhere. A person who wants to cheat will cheat whether they are using apps or going out to bars or clubs or grocery stores or not. If you don't like it, don't date attractive women. Or any women. Edited April 29, 2016 by ChickiePops 1
Jabron1 Posted April 29, 2016 Posted April 29, 2016 Jabron I could understand your feelings IF you were to actually witness a man (men) hitting on your girlfriend. Yes my boyfriends would be pissed too! In fact, my ex almost got into a fist fight with one guy who attempted to hit on me at a club! But OP's boyfriend has not witnessed it... he is assuming based, IMO, on his own insecurity. There is no evidence that any of these guys have hit on OP. Again, it's a language app, everyone is there to learn a language, which requires talking and interacting with each other. Same as if it were a live class at a community college. And what about at work? Should she not talk/interact with any of her male colleagues at work either? Because in your mind, they're all hitting on her? IMO it is very controlling for a guy to expect or demand his gf not speak to other guys out of fear that "they" may be hitting on her. That is ludicrous! May as well just keep her locked up in the house if that's your attitude. That's fair enough. Just think there's a balance between a guy that doesn't give a damn what his girlfriend does (which trust me, isn't a good thing ), and the 'jealous control freak', that I think isn't being addressed.
Jabron1 Posted April 29, 2016 Posted April 29, 2016 No sweet pea..YOU don't get it. Last week the man standing behind me at the grocery store flirted with me. Should I stop going to the grocery store? Flirtation can happen anywhere. A person who wants to cheat will cheat whether they are using apps or going out to bars or clubs or grocery stores or not. If you don't like it, don't date attractive women. Or any women. No, you really aren't getting it. So f'ing what? You got hit on at the grocery store. I wouldn't give a damn. If you got hit on at the grocery store every time, I would suggest you go to a different grocery store - so would any boyfriend who actually cared. It's about balance. 1
smackie9 Posted April 29, 2016 Posted April 29, 2016 I do appreciate everyone's opinions and think the advice is valid. I think that leaving would be a valid and logical choice. But on the flip side... Does anyone have any advice on how to help him get over his jealous insecurities? I honestly believe he would do almost anything to keep me in his life, but I don't know how to make him understand that he is at a serious risk of losing me. There are many things love about this man, but his behavior and mentality are pushing me away. He's 43, he isn't going to grow out of this behavior. He is being emotionally abusive, and it's sickening. Get out of this unhealthy situation.
Recommended Posts