How to Deal With My Boyfriend's Need to "Get Even"

[Jabron1]

I recently discovered a language learning chat app.

 

This app stresses that it is not meant as a dating app

 

The vast majority of messages were from men

 

My boyfriend freaked out when I told him about this app

 

I can understand him being annoyed, and I think he's well within his rights to tell you to stop using that app.

 

 

he started making threats.

 

That's obviously not the right way to behave.

 

 

"maybe I'll go find a Japanese girl to teach me Japanese."

 

He ended up making an account and decided to wait and see if anyone would contact him. After a few days of not receiving any messages he talked about deleting the app, and seemed jealous that so many people had contacted me, but no one had contacted him.

 

 

I have to laugh at his naivety.

 

You realise that this 'app' is a mirror of online dating? Exact same behaviors.

 

 

Then one morning he tells me he found a new friend. He said no one was contacting him, so decided to message someone and see if he could get a reply. "It was just a random choice, lol" is how he put it. His "random choice" is a 19 year old Japanese girl who looks 14 and uses her profile as if it's a social media page.

 

The second feeling I'm left with is wondering why he has such a malicious personality. Why he would actually do something with the intention of hurting me.

 

When he made an issue of you using that 'app', did you stop using it, or did you just carry on?

 

I have thought about only talking to women on the app, but it has been rare to find them.

 

Ahhh, now I read this. And you wonder why he's acting like he is.

 

He tells you that he's uncomfortable with you chatting to guys on that app, and you just carry on doing that regardless.

 

I think he should dump you. The fact that he isn't is the exact reason why he is resorting to all of these stupid games, and turning pathetic. He knows he's being disrespected, but can't walk away (for whatever reason).

 

You need to find a guy that doesn't mind you messaging strange men, and doesn't mind being ignored/not taken seriously.

Edited April 27, 2016 by Jabron1

[LoveRefreshed]

I think the attraction to asian women is because they have fit tight bodies, with great booties, and, well in japan, the society tends to be heavily patriarchal. I doubt it has anything to do with her flat chest (some men don't care about it) and that she's akin to a child's body type.

 

Essentially, what you're telling all the women out there who lack 'womanly curves' that their boyfriends are all pedofiles. So those comments about that are off base and imo, show a prejudice and disdain for asian women (which I know a lot of women are jealous of, like my ex)

 

As far as your boyfriend goes, he's being incredibly jealous and insecure. Tell him his spite is unacceptable and if he wants to learn Japanese, you are happy for him. Maybe tell him that his jealous and lack of trust will push you away.

[Handsome Librarian]

Everybody here seems pretty long winded. Dating advice doesn't come in snippets. I just say it's funny she probably has hundreds of followers and is either an old man or a team of marketers. I'd laugh at his silly attempts to make you jealous but wouldn't want to train him to get better at it.

 

It's seems to be a legitimate concern for you and you're willing to leave because he pretends to learn Japanese from a young girl online. How to make him see how serious this is for you? It's like the old movies where one partner dances with someone to make the other jealous. I didn't read the whole post like if he's flirty talking or anything. Whole maybe not the best reaction people watch too much CSI and live in a fantasy Hollywood expectations. Petty and childish sure but jealousy and cheating sticky is at the very top of this forum.

[Jabron1]

I think you're making a bad choice learning Italian in a situation where you frequently get hit on. I recognise that you're not taking any of these guys up on it, but there's still an underlying 'ick' factor in what's going on. Surely there are other ways to converse in Italian without being hit on frequently.

 

Yep.

 

One of my basic requirements in a girlfriend is that she doesn't keep putting herself in a position for guys to hit on her frequently.

 

Pretty standard.

 

A woman doing this frequently whilst in a serious relationship either:

 

a: likes the attention

b: doesn't really give a damn

c: lacks intelligence/grace

 

More often, the way you can tell that a guy is interested in more than language is if he loses interest after I mention having a boyfriend.

 

The fact that you have to keep bringing up the 'boyfriend rejection' over and over should be telling you something...

Edited April 27, 2016 by Jabron1

[Ruby-Gloom]

I can understand him being annoyed, and I think he's well within his rights to tell you to stop using that app.

 

You realise that this 'app' is a mirror of online dating? Exact same behaviors.

 

When he made an issue of you using that 'app', did you stop using it, or did you just carry on?

 

He tells you that he's uncomfortable with you chatting to guys on that app, and you just carry on doing that regardless.

 

I think he should dump you. The fact that he isn't is the exact reason why he is resorting to all of these stupid games, and turning pathetic. He knows he's being disrespected, but can't walk away (for whatever reason).

 

You need to find a guy that doesn't mind you messaging strange men, and doesn't mind being ignored/not taken seriously.

 

Ok. So I need to say that I have never ignored his feelings. I have tried to discuss the issue with him. I have offered to let him see exactly who I was talking to...even let him read the conversations, should he wish.

 

I could understand if I was in some random chat room, but I am truly learning a new language...and it is really helping. There are no Italian language classes offered at my local college, and I have been trying to learn on my own. Having people to text in Italian helps so much because they can instantly make corrections.

 

I have to ask though...why is it right to tell me what I can and can't do? I am a loyal, kind, shy girl, who has been incredibly loving and patient with him for the last three years. Shouldn't he trust that I know how to handle myself?

[Ruby-Gloom]

I think the attraction to asian women is because they have fit tight bodies, with great booties, and, well in japan, the society tends to be heavily patriarchal. I doubt it has anything to do with her flat chest (some men don't care about it) and that she's akin to a child's body type.

 

Essentially, what you're telling all the women out there who lack 'womanly curves' that their boyfriends are all pedofiles. So those comments about that are off base and imo, show a prejudice and disdain for asian women (which I know a lot of women are jealous of, like my ex)

 

As far as your boyfriend goes, he's being incredibly jealous and insecure. Tell him his spite is unacceptable and if he wants to learn Japanese, you are happy for him. Maybe tell him that his jealous and lack of trust will push you away.

 

You misunderstood me.

 

I'm not saying that she looks young because she is flat chested. Her face looks very young and childlike. There is nothing wrong with women with with small frames or the men that are attracted to them. Also there is nothing wrong with men who are attracted to Asian women at all, and I think that many asian women are very pretty.

[Ruby-Gloom]

Yep.

 

One of my basic requirements in a girlfriend is that she doesn't keep putting herself in a position for guys to hit on her frequently.

 

Pretty standard.

 

A woman doing this frequently whilst in a serious relationship either:

 

a: likes the attention

b: doesn't really give a damn

c: lacks intelligence/grace

 

 

 

The fact that you have to keep bringing up the 'boyfriend rejection' over and over should be telling you something...

 

None of these things you've stated are true about me. I do not get hit on often, and if it does happen I feel very uncomfortable. I am a very shy person and I find it a very awkward and uncomfortable situation if it ever does occur.

 

I haven't brought up boyfriend rejection repeatedly, I had just noticed that a few people responded with "oh that's cool" and didn't continue the conversation.

 

Out of every person I have talked to on this app, only a small number said anything remotely flirty, and I stopped talking to those people right away.

[Emilia]

Don't worry OP about people that comment on stuff that's not relevant to your situation. They are just sidetracking because they don't get the primary issue. Not everyone does.

[katiegrl]

Don't worry OP about people that comment on stuff that's not relevant to your situation. They are just sidetracking because they don't get the primary issue. Not everyone does.

 

Yup, the primary issue is not OP using the app, but how boyfriend responds to her using the app.

 

If he wants her to stop, then he needs to discuss with her like a grown up, a mature adult. Tell her why it bothers him and why. Up to her whether she wants to respect his wishes or not.

 

NOT behave like a 15 year old, playing tit for tat for chrissakes.

 

THAT is the issue being discussed on this thread.

 

HIS behavior, NOT hers.

 

If he were on here discussing HER behavior, then we can respond accordingly to that.

[Jabron1]

Ok. So I need to say that I have never ignored his feelings. I have tried to discuss the issue with him. I have offered to let him see exactly who I was talking to...even let him read the conversations, should he wish.

 

So he doesn't want to talk about it at all? You have tried to discuss it, and he stonewalls you. He decides to do all of this weird behaviour instead. Is that the situation?

 

The impression that I'm getting is that you are using that app whether he likes it or not, and all discussions will lead to that conclusion.

 

I could understand if I was in some random chat room, but I am truly learning a new language...and it is really helping. There are no Italian language classes offered at my local college, and I have been trying to learn on my own. Having people to text in Italian helps so much because they can instantly make corrections.

 

There are many, many ways to learn a new language.

 

Perhaps you and your boyfriend can work together on it, instead of being opposed about it.

 

I helped my ex with her English, I wouldn't have accepted her messaging strange guys on some dodgy app.

 

I have to ask though...why is it right to tell me what I can and can't do?

 

If you want the freedom to do whatever you want, whenever you want, you should be single.

 

Relationships are about compromise. Not just heaping all of the blame onto the other person and saying 'it's your insecurity, and your problem; deal with it'.

 

Yup, the primary issue is not OP using the app, but how boyfriend responds to her using the app.

 

If he wants her to stop, then he needs to discuss with her like a grown up, a mature adult. Tell her why it bothers him and why. Up to her whether she wants to respect his wishes or not.

 

NOT behave like a 15 year old, playing tit for tat for chrissakes.

 

THAT is the issue being discussed on this thread.

 

HIS behavior, NOT hers.

 

If he were on here discussing HER behavior, then we can respond accordingly to that.

 

Her behaviour effects his behaviour, which effects her behaviour, etc etc.

 

No one exists in a vacuum, and I don't think anyone is taking into account why he is behaving like he is.

 

I already said that he's behaviour is laughable and pathetic. I also gave a reason for that stupid behaviour.

[Popsicle]

I just want to know what the name of the app is because I want to learn Italian too.

 

Does it let you specify the gender of your chat buddy?

Edited April 28, 2016 by Popsicle

[LoveRefreshed]

You misunderstood me.

 

I'm not saying that she looks young because she is flat chested. Her face looks very young and childlike. There is nothing wrong with women with with small frames or the men that are attracted to them. Also there is nothing wrong with men who are attracted to Asian women at all, and I think that many asian women are very pretty.

 

But you ignored the important part of my note.

 

 

As far as your boyfriend goes, he's being incredibly jealous and insecure. Tell him his spite is unacceptable and if he wants to learn Japanese, you are happy for him. Maybe tell him that his jealous and lack of trust will push you away.

 

I had some jealousy with some things with my current gf. She essentially was like "If you don't stop being jealous, you're going to push me to want to be with another man. I want the freedom to be me and trust from you."

 

I dunno, I don't remember exactly, but it was something like that. There's also a good video I can get you if you want to give it to him. If you care about this relationship, you can try and help him a little with his jealousy and insecurity (but don't always reassure him because that reinforces insecurity) by giving him information on jealousy.

 

You can also explain to him how his reaction is jealous (anything leading with "If you loved me, then you would.." is a jealous statement and leading towards emotional blackmail. The other thing is to have a little patience with his jealous reactions (and it seems you are) and try to point out when they occur and see if he can learn to manage it. Otherwise, move on. Jealousy is an emotion that most people get and everyone has the right to their emotions. It's his reaction to the jealous emotion that is the issue and that is what you need to get him to get a handle on if you want to have a happy relationship.

[CarrieT]

I just want to know what the name of the app is because I want to learn Italian too.

I have a feeling it is Duolingo, but there are several dozen language apps available.

 

Honestly, there are LOTS of ways to learn other languages without engaging in this type of behavior that is an obvious trigger for the OP's boyfriend, but I think we've seen the app is not the only problem.

 

Frankly, my husband has learned no less than TWELVE other languages with Pimsleur that does not involve bantering with anonymous people via an app. There are also numerous foreign-language Meet-Up groups that people can join to converse with others in a variety of languages.

[Ruby-Gloom]

So he doesn't want to talk about it at all? You have tried to discuss it, and he stonewalls you. He decides to do all of this weird behaviour instead. Is that the situation?

 

The impression that I'm getting is that you are using that app whether he likes it or not, and all discussions will lead to that conclusion.

 

There are many, many ways to learn a new language.

 

Perhaps you and your boyfriend can work together on it, instead of being opposed about it.

 

I helped my ex with her English, I wouldn't have accepted her messaging strange guys on some dodgy app.

 

If you want the freedom to do whatever you want, whenever you want, you should be single.

 

Relationships are about compromise. Not just heaping all of the blame onto the other person and saying 'it's your insecurity, and your problem; deal with it'.

 

Her behaviour effects his behaviour, which effects her behaviour, etc etc.

 

No one exists in a vacuum, and I don't think anyone is taking into account why he is behaving like he is.

 

I already said that he's behaviour is laughable and pathetic. I also gave a reason for that stupid behaviour.

 

He does not want to discuss the situation and that is a major part of the problem. He basically just keeps repeating "I don't like it" and "I don't like you talking to other men" I believe compromise is an important part to any relationship, but how can two people arrive at a compromise without a discussion? I do care about his feelings and I don't want to hurt him, but I don't like him trying to flat out tell me I can't do something.

 

I also realize that there are many ways to learn a language. This is not my only or even my main avenue for trying to teach myself. I have two other (solo) apps that are my main source of learning so far, Duolingo and Memorize. This chat app, Language Talks, has been serving as a way to test out what I have learned in the other two apps. The solo learning is great and my preferred method, but I feel like they are not providing a complete learning experience. For example, I said "arriverderci" to an Italian person and she said "arriverderci you do not say to friends, you say it to the bank manager." Then she gave me multiple ways of saying a more casual goodbye to a friend. As another example, I said to one guy "Io sono molto stanco. Vorrei del caffè, per favore. Con latte, no zucchero." Meaning, I am very tired. I would like some coffee please. With milk, no sugar. He corrected my sentance, changing 'stanco' to 'stanca' and 'no zucchero' to 'zucchero no'

 

Also, I'm not sure if it is clear that I am using this app as texting only. It allows you to do phone calls and voice messages, but I'm not comfortable with that.

[Ruby-Gloom]

But you ignored the important part of my note.

 

 

 

I had some jealousy with some things with my current gf. She essentially was like "If you don't stop being jealous, you're going to push me to want to be with another man. I want the freedom to be me and trust from you."

 

I dunno, I don't remember exactly, but it was something like that. There's also a good video I can get you if you want to give it to him. If you care about this relationship, you can try and help him a little with his jealousy and insecurity (but don't always reassure him because that reinforces insecurity) by giving him information on jealousy.

 

You can also explain to him how his reaction is jealous (anything leading with "If you loved me, then you would.." is a jealous statement and leading towards emotional blackmail. The other thing is to have a little patience with his jealous reactions (and it seems you are) and try to point out when they occur and see if he can learn to manage it. Otherwise, move on. Jealousy is an emotion that most people get and everyone has the right to their emotions. It's his reaction to the jealous emotion that is the issue and that is what you need to get him to get a handle on if you want to have a happy relationship.

 

Sorry, I did not mean to ignore the last bit of your post. I thought it was a good and valid point. I was just anxious to reply to the first half because I did not want you or anyone to get the wrong idea about me. I have no tolerance for racism or body shaming (weather a person is 'skinny' OR 'fat'.

 

I want to stress to my boyfriend that I love him, but that excessive jealousy or possessive behavior will push me away...but I don't want it to be taken as a threat. How did you respond to your girlfriend saying that to you? I am interested in checking out the video ou mentioned if you can find it.

 

I am struggling to keep up on replies to every person, because I'm doing this all on my cell phone. Don't be afraid to point out parts of your messages that I have missed, like you did above.

[Ruby-Gloom]

I have a feeling it is Duolingo, but there are several dozen language apps available.

 

Honestly, there are LOTS of ways to learn other languages without engaging in this type of behavior that is an obvious trigger for the OP's boyfriend, but I think we've seen the app is not the only problem.

 

Frankly, my husband has learned no less than TWELVE other languages with Pimsleur that does not involve bantering with anonymous people via an app. There are also numerous foreign-language Meet-Up groups that people can join to converse with others in a variety of languages.

 

I have never heard of Pimsleur, I will have to look that up and see what it is. As for Meet-Ups, isn't that where you actually meet up in person with a group of people who are interested in the same thing as you? Wouldn't that be worse, because it would be actual face to face interactions? Also, I am extremely shy and am just not comfortable in social situations so I don't think this would work well for me anyway.

[Ruby-Gloom]

Hi all,

 

I'm finding it hard always replying in snippets and I also feel that not everyone here can be expected to read every reply. Hopefully anyone following this thread will find this helpful.

 

I want to make it clear that I am only texting in this app, I am not having phone calls or sending voice messages. I have mentioned this in previous posts, but I want to say it again here in case some of you have missed it. This is not my only language app, or even my main source of learning. I have two other solo apps that are my preferred avenue for learning. I also am trying to research things online and am making my self flashcards and study guides. This chat app is only something I am using to test the knowledge that I am learning elsewhere. Having someone to make corrections to what I am wrriting has been really helpful to my learning process. Here are two examples:

 

I said 'arriverderci' to one girl and she told me that you do not say that to friends, you say it to the bank manager. Then she gave me a few different casual ways to say goodbye to afriend.

 

Another example is, I said to one guy 'Io sono molto stanco. Vorrei del caffè, per favore. Con latte, no zucchero' (I am very tired. I would like some coffee please. With milk, no sugar). He changed 'stanco' to 'stanca' and said that it is 'zucchero no'

 

Since my original post, I have been contacted on this app by several more girls/women. Some of them still seem either not very interested, or not online often, but a few of them seem like they might be promising. I have set my account up to no longer show my online status, which has been great at keeping people from continuing to contact me. I do occasionally get new messages even though I am not showing as online, but I just ignore them if they are not female. As of now, I have one man, and multiple women who I am conversing with. The one man is married with a kid and is trying to improve his English for work. He sends the occasional audio message, but only to practice his spoken English. His messages are never inappropriate and will even be things like 'Now I am coming home from work, this is my family's favorite sentence.' I feel like he is a safe choice even though he is male, because he has a family that he openly talks about and he has never acted inappropriately.

 

I never wanted to talk to hundreds of guys, I do not crave attention. I only wanted to find a few people who can help to correct the Italian that I have been learning. I also wanted my boyfriend to trust me enough to be able to handle myself and to avoid inappropriate situations.

 

I now want to give a little backstory on me, my boyfriend, and our relationship. I understand that not everyone is interested in my personal life or relationship, so I understand if people don't care to read it. I am putting it out there for those that do care or find it interesting.

 

At the start of our relationship my boyfriend was even more jealous, insecure, and immature. He wanted me to drop all contact with any male in my life, he just could not handle me talking to any male that wasn't him. He was also very controlling (or tried to be, I didn't allow myself to be controlled). After a while it seemed to get better and I ended up moving in with him. We lived far away from my family and friends and I was pretty much cut off from interaction with them. Once I was there his behavior became much worse, jealous, rage, controlling behavior...trying to make me fit into what he thought a 'wife' should be like. His behavior was what I would consider to be abusive (never physical of course). And all of his behavior was due to me keeping in touch with a few male friends, over online avenues.

 

I believe that I am an understanding person and I wanted to give him a chance to change his behavior towards me. Though he was trying to control me, I didn't really see myself as a victim because I wasn't allowing him to do so.I was standing up for myself, while giving him the opportunity to change his attitude. Slowly bit by bit he started to improve. Almost all of these traits were stemming from him being completely insecure and I was working on trying to make him see that he had no reason to be insecure with me. It definitely was improving, but it was improving at a slow rate. In my head I pretty much told myself that I would give it a year and that if I was not comfortable with where our relationship sat, that I would go home. Well the year mark approached and I was not satisfied. Yes, he had made improvements, but at a rate that made me feel like I couldn't sit around and wait for. I decided to move back to my hometown.

 

He was completely devastated and my leaving was a huge eye opener for him. After I left he jumped fully into improving the problematic traits. We agreed to keep some distance and focus on ourselves, but stay in a long distance relationship. I had some things I wanted to work on in my own life as well, such as gettting into better shape and going back to school for a particular job I wanted. During our time apart we actually became closer than we ever had been living together, our communication skills greatly improved. And his behavior HAS changed immensely.

 

But then he has random outbursts of his 'old self' that are really disheartening for me to see. It's like the rational side of his brain just shuts off and his communication skills shut down. Then his tendancies to 'lash out' or 'get even' come back. In the span of a year I'd say this is one of two or three MAJOR lapses back into his old mentality, and there have been several small ones.

 

I guess at this point I want him to understand that I have seen and appreciate the changes he has made, but at the same time, these outbursts of immaturity are pretty much unacceptable if our relationship is going to have a future. Everyone I'm sure has moments in a fight where they are not exactly behaving in the most mature way possible. But I think most would agree that his behavior is a lot more than an angry outburst in the middle of a fight.

 

 

A few things about myself worth mentioning:

 

I am not a social person, I am painfully shy. I keep to myself at work and I don't really go out with friends. I willl every once in a while catch up with an old high school friend, but it's rare. I do not drink or go to bars or clubs or parties. I am not exposing myself to situations where I am getthing hit on or chatted up. I don't view myself as ugly or pretty, I just think I'm normal looking. On occasion guys at work or random guys out in public have attempted to flirt with me, which is extremely uncomfortable for me. I just feel really awkward and uncomfortable if this happens. Usually I just try to avoid eye contact with people, as to not give them an opening. A couple of weeks ago I was on a walk on a trail that I always go to after work. It was very early in the morning and I was the only person walking across the bridge. A guy rides past on his bike and yells "you look pretty" I was so uncomfortable with the attention that I pretended that my music was too loud for me to hear him, and started messing with my cell phone. A few days later a guy rides past and I have to assume it was the same one. This time he said "at least your consistent". I did the same pretend not to hear routine. Two guys at my work have tried flirting with me and I just do my best to avoid them, or at least avoid eye contact with them.

 

In a relationship I am not shy, I am my true self and I am wacky, funny, kind, and loving. While I am kind in a relationship, I am not meek. I am willing to stand up for myself and to give my honest opinion on things. It takes a lot to truly make me angry, but I can get very angry in certain situations. I also am a very understanding person who tends to see the good in people. I am willing to give a person multiple chances and willing to help them through things. To some or many of you this may seem like a fault....but I believe in patience, understanding, and forgiveness beyond what some people may be willing to put up with.

[Tayla]

Part of learning a language is to utilize its features in conversations with OTHER people. So do tell, you are learning a language for...what reason?

 

I would think that learning a language is to interact, you can be shy all you want, yet your language still needs to be spoken. I'd find writing it to be equally important yet there again....I can buy a program that writes it or translates it...

[CarrieT]

I have never heard of Pimsleur, I will have to look that up and see what it is.

Pimsleur is similiar to Rosetta Stone; you listen to the foreign language and respond. It starts with simple words and increases in difficulty. My husband listens to it to-and-from his office every day (about 30 minutes each way) and can speak conversationally in the following languages:

 

English

Italian

French

Spanish

Tagalog

German

Hungarian

Czech

Japanese

Chinese

Dutch

Catalan

Russian

[LoveRefreshed]

Hi Ruby,

 

The first part of that post was not really directed at you but the other posters. As far as my situation went.

 

I took some time and thought about it. I watched/read about jealousy and thought about it some more. In the end, I was able divide my issues into two categories. One that is me over reacting and being jealous and the other that are situations in which she was or letting her exes be disrespectful to me or our relationship.

 

It allowed me to communicate with her without putting her on the defensive to my jealous reaction. It also kept things calm so I could think about it instead of reacting right away.

 

It important that you listen to him and his concerns if you want to prevent him from feeling ignored and disrespected by you. He may feel you aren't acknowledging his valid fear that you're going to get hit on by Italian [or whatever language it was] men with cute accents and that you're going to find them attractive. Make boundaries and stick to them.

 

video:

 

[ChickiePops]

I can understand him being annoyed, and I think he's well within his rights to tell you to stop using that app.

 

 

 

 

That's obviously not the right way to behave.

 

 

 

 

 

I have to laugh at his naivety.

 

You realise that this 'app' is a mirror of online dating? Exact same behaviors.

 

 

 

 

When he made an issue of you using that 'app', did you stop using it, or did you just carry on?

 

 

 

Ahhh, now I read this. And you wonder why he's acting like he is.

 

He tells you that he's uncomfortable with you chatting to guys on that app, and you just carry on doing that regardless.

 

I think he should dump you. The fact that he isn't is the exact reason why he is resorting to all of these stupid games, and turning pathetic. He knows he's being disrespected, but can't walk away (for whatever reason).

 

You need to find a guy that doesn't mind you messaging strange men, and doesn't mind being ignored/not taken seriously.

 

So basically what you're saying is that once a woman enters into a relationship with a man, the man should have complete control over who she speaks to? It doesn't sound like the OP ignored her boyfriend, it sounds like she disagreed with him. Disagreeing with someone doesn't mean you haven't listened to them..he's not her lord and dictator.

 

If my boyfriend tried this with me I'd laugh myself silly..but he never would because he is secure in the fact that I wouldn't cheat on him.

 

I am relatively attractive. I get hit on. It's not the fact that women get hit on that should matter, it's how we react to it. I am polite and friendly and I like chatting with people. If I think a man I'm chatting with casually is trying to pick me up, I mention my boyfriend. If he doesn't stop, I walk away. I've never cheated and my boyfriend trusts me.

 

If you can't trust the person you're with, you shouldn't be with them.

[LoveRefreshed]

 

If you can't trust the person you're with, you shouldn't be with them.

 

If you can't pass on some strangers' attention for the sake of your boyfriend's feelings, then you shouldn't be with them. Clearly there's an issue with priorities.

 

If the goal is to learn a language, then why not find a means to do that so it doesn't involve putting yourself in a situation to be hit on. It makes one question the motives.

[ChickiePops]

If you can't pass on some strangers' attention for the sake of your boyfriend's feelings, then you shouldn't be with them. Clearly there's an issue with priorities.

 

If the goal is to learn a language, then why not find a means to do that so it doesn't involve putting yourself in a situation to be hit on. It makes one question the motives.

 

As I said, my boyfriend trusts me. He does the same. We're both very friendly, talkative people. I've never done anything behind his back that I wouldn't do in front of him. Example, we both enjoy gambling so we go to Vegas once or twice a year. If I'm sitting at a table and there is a friendly atmosphere, I will join in the conversation (as will he). It's not about garnering a strangers attention, it's about being friendly and enjoying my life.

 

It's not the OPs fault that she's being hit on occasionally on this app (and it sounds like, more often than not, these people are just trying to help her learn Italian). I'm sure she didn't join the app with the goal of being hit on. If I tried to avoid any situation where it might happen I would never leave my house. Doesn't mean I should change who I am and stop speaking to anyone who happens to be male just because they're male.

 

My boyfriend takes no issue with me being a friendly and outgoing person, and I take no issue with him being one either. If he's going to cheat on me, he's going to cheat on me whether he talks to women or not so I might as well let him enjoy his life and keep being the friendly guy that he is.

 

Like I said, if you don't trust the person you're with, you shouldn't be with them. The OP sounds perfectly normal and I see nothing wrong with her wanting to learn Italian.

[LoveRefreshed]

As I said, my boyfriend trusts me. He does the same. We're both very friendly, talkative people. I've never done anything behind his back that I wouldn't do in front of him. Example, we both enjoy gambling so we go to Vegas once or twice a year. If I'm sitting at a table and there is a friendly atmosphere, I will join in the conversation (as will he). It's not about garnering a strangers attention, it's about being friendly and enjoying my life.

 

It's not the OPs fault that she's being hit on occasionally on this app (and it sounds like, more often than not, these people are just trying to help her learn Italian). I'm sure she didn't join the app with the goal of being hit on. If I tried to avoid any situation where it might happen I would never leave my house. Doesn't mean I should change who I am and stop speaking to anyone who happens to be male just because they're male.

 

My boyfriend takes no issue with me being a friendly and outgoing person, and I take no issue with him being one either. If he's going to cheat on me, he's going to cheat on me whether he talks to women or not so I might as well let him enjoy his life and keep being the friendly guy that he is.

 

Like I said, if you don't trust the person you're with, you shouldn't be with them. The OP sounds perfectly normal and I see nothing wrong with her wanting to learn Italian.

 

Let's say you have a choice of two poker tables to sit at. One table has two men that have hit on you in the past, and there is an open seat in the middle of them.

 

The other table has an open seat next to two men who have not ever hit on you before.

 

Which would you choose? Do you think it would matter to your boyfriend? Let's say it does (because I already know, you're going to say no, he trusts me) and he says, hey it makes me uncomfortable for you to play with those guys because I don't like how they talk to you.

 

Do you ignore him and do it anyway? Why? Out of pride for your freedom? Do you sit at the other one because you care?

 

OP has numerous choices for learning italian that doesn't involve Casanova hitting on her, why choose the one to put her in Casanova's sights?

[ChickiePops]

Let's say you have a choice of two poker tables to sit at. One table has two men that have hit on you in the past, and there is an open seat in the middle of them.

 

The other table has an open seat next to two men who have not ever hit on you before.

 

Which would you choose? Do you think it would matter to your boyfriend? Let's say it does (because I already know, you're going to say no, he trusts me) and he says, hey it makes me uncomfortable for you to play with those guys because I don't like how they talk to you.

 

Do you ignore him and do it anyway? Why? Out of pride for your freedom? Do you sit at the other one because you care?

 

OP has numerous choices for learning italian that doesn't involve Casanova hitting on her, why choose the one to put her in Casanova's sights?

 

Actually, you're wrong. As I have said multiple times, if a man does start hitting on me, I tell him I have a boyfriend. If he doesn't stop, I walk away. It would make ME uncomfortable to go sit at the table with two men who have hit on me. I love my boyfriend and I have no desire to hurt him and no desire to be with anyone else.

 

Yes, if I deliberately chose to go hang out with two men who've hit on me, it would make my boyfriend uncomfortable. But I wouldn't do that, because like I said, I'm not looking to get hit on. I'm not some attention wh*re who's desperate to be validated, I'm just friendly.

 

You keep trying to make the OP and I out to be needy, insecure little girls who are just endless black holes that are desperate for male attention. I can't speak for the OP but she doesn't seem that way to me, and I'm definitely not like that.

 

You've clearly been cheated on and therefore have zero trust at all for women, but not all women are like whomever cheated on you.

 

The OP is choosing to learn Italian through an immersion technique. Some people learn better this way. In the past, she might've gone to Italy to do this but now she can download an app on her phone that allows her to speak to native Italian speakers who can correct her grammar and teach her things. It sounds to me like this is her sole purpose for being on this app. it doesn't mean she's looking to get hit on, but if she's female and breathing, it's gonna happen.

 

If she wanted to cheat, I'm sure she would find an easier way to do it. She seems to just want to learn Italian.