Ruby-Gloom Posted April 26, 2016 Posted April 26, 2016 Hey Everyone, I am facing a problem in my relationship, and could really use some advice! I tend to get long winded and to over explain things, but I will try not to. So basically, the story is, I have been trying to learn Italian on my own without taking a class. I have a couple of language apps, including Duolingo. I recently discovered a language learning chat app. This app helps you find people who speak the language you are learning, and who want to learn your language. You can practice your foreign language with native speakers, and within the app they can correct your sentences, and you can translate any text. I have found a few different Italians to practice with, some men and some women. This app stresses that it is not meant as a dating app, trying to use it as a dating app is grounds for being banned, if you are reported. Obviously that is not going to stop every single person, but I'M there to learn and I simply don't reply to anyone who is trying to abuse the app. After making my account, messages started coming in. I was never the first one to send a message. The vast majority of messages were from men, there just does not seem to be as many women on the app. I do not answer every message I recieve, but I always do answer if it is another woman. My boyfriend freaked out when I told him about this app. He could not handle the fact that I was talking to any man other than him, no matter what the reason. After days of being grumpy and saying he couldn't believe I would "do this to him" he started making threats. "How would you like it if I went on there and starting talking to girls??" Or "maybe I'll go find a Japanese girl to teach me Japanese." In the past he has told me that if he hadn't met me, he would have probably moved to Japan and married a Japanese girl...I know he has an attraction to Japanese girls, so this is why this threat held more weight for him. He ended up making an account and decided to wait and see if anyone would contact him. After a few days of not receiving any messages he talked about deleting the app, and seemed jealous that so many people had contacted me, but no one had contacted him. Then one morning he tells me he found a new friend. He said no one was contacting him, so decided to message someone and see if he could get a reply. "It was just a random choice, lol" is how he put it. His "random choice" is a 19 year old Japanese girl who looks 14 and uses her profile as if it's a social media page. She has multiple pictures of herself on her page, as well as publicly posting her Twitter, instagram, and skype profiles. I am not saying she looks 14 out of malicious jealousy. That is truly what age she looks to me. I don't feel jealous at all. In fact, I feel a bit queasy and sick that this was my 43 year old boyfriend's choice of who to use to "make me jealous." He has shown me screenshots of their conversation where he has showed her a picture he took of a sunset, and how she thought it was so pretty. He was telling me how she says he's such a kind man for helping her with her English, and even sent me a copy of a voice message she sent saying that he was a kind man. Making me jealous and "paying me back" are clearly his intentions here, but in my opinion it has backfired on him. This whole situation has instead made me feel a bit queasy and has given me a bit of a pervy vibe from him. I know he likes younger women, and I am 14 years younger than him...but the fact that he chose a teenager for his game just really disturbs me. The second feeling I'm left with is wondering why he has such a malicious personality. Why he would actually do something with the intention of hurting me. His mentality has always been about "payback." He once said to me, "If someone hurts me, I'm gonna hurt back and I'm gonna hurt harder." So now I'm not really sure what to do about the situation. So far I haven't really reacted in any way. All I know is that this situation is having an effect on the way I think about him as a person. I hate having a queasy pervy vibe from him, I hate thinking of him as a malicious person...but I don't know how to make these feelings go away. *An extra note worth mentioning* I have thought about only talking to women on the app, but it has been rare to find them. And the ones I do talk with tend to either not be online often, or at least not when I'm online. Since downloading this app I have learned many new things in Italian...it has been incredibly useful to me.
d0nnivain Posted April 26, 2016 Posted April 26, 2016 If you truly are doing this to learn a new language, your BF needs to be more understanding. If his jealousy is so high that he thinks you should never again be allowed to speak to 50% of the human race, dump him because he's not realistic. The fact that he is threatening you rather than having an intelligent discussion also screams immaturity & doesn't bode well for you two long term. You apparently respond better to ultimatums then I do because faced with a threat like the one he made I'd learn how to say "good-by & good riddance" in Japanese & that would be the last thing I ever said to him. 7
Author Ruby-Gloom Posted April 26, 2016 Author Posted April 26, 2016 If you truly are doing this to learn a new language, your BF needs to be more understanding. If his jealousy is so high that he thinks you should never again be allowed to speak to 50% of the human race, dump him because he's not realistic. The fact that he is threatening you rather than having an intelligent discussion also screams immaturity & doesn't bode well for you two long term. You apparently respond better to ultimatums then I do because faced with a threat like the one he made I'd learn how to say "good-by & good riddance" in Japanese & that would be the last thing I ever said to him. I tried to discuss this with him. I explained that I am literally replying to every woman who messages me, with the hopes of finding a compatable language partner of my own gender. I do not want to hurt him or make him uncomfortable, but I feel like limiting myself to women only is not giving me the practice I need. I am just not finding enough opportunities to practice with them.
O'Malley Posted April 26, 2016 Posted April 26, 2016 His behavior is going to change your perception of him - with good reason. If this is how he reacts to the possibility that you might have a non-sexual and non-romantic conversation with another member of the male species, imagine how he'll treat you when he's pissed off about a big issue. It's not a healthy relationship when you're always having to walk on eggshells. 6
Author Ruby-Gloom Posted April 26, 2016 Author Posted April 26, 2016 (edited) His behavior is going to change your perception of him - with good reason. If this is how he reacts to the possibility that you might have a non-sexual and non-romantic conversation with another member of the male species' date=' imagine how he'll treat you when he's pissed off about a big issue. It's not a healthy relationship when you're always having to walk on eggshells.[/quote'] He has been extremely jealous of threatened by other guys since the beginning of our relationship. Even with friends I have had since before I even knew him. At one point he expected me to break off friendships with all my old male friends. And it's not like I'm talking about a thousand guys...more like 3. And these friendships are the keeping in touch through Skype and Facebook type friends...I'm not even hanging out with them in person. On our first trip together I came out of the shower in our hotel room to find him with my cell phone in his hands. He passed it off as just "checking out what kind of phone I had," but later I saw that all of my messaging apps were open. I have almost broken up with him before...and since then I HAVE noticed a change in his behavior...but then things like this happen. I just feel so tired, like I'm constantly struggling to prove that I'm worth trusting. Even though he always says the good ol' "I trust you, it's the guys I don't trust." Edited April 26, 2016 by Ruby-Gloom
Author Ruby-Gloom Posted April 26, 2016 Author Posted April 26, 2016 Why would you be with someone like this? The part of me that is upset with him appreciates this question. But part of me has to say that it's not as simple as that. There are other qualities that I like about him...I've been trying to give him a chance to change...and he has changed a lot. But after three years I'm wondering if jealousy, insecurity, and possessiveness are just too engrained into who he is.
TunaCat Posted April 26, 2016 Posted April 26, 2016 Walk, don't run, away from this guy. He's not only got serious jealousy & control issues, but apparently has a thing for underage girls (I know we don't know for sure if the girl he's talking to is underage, but she's still a teenager) Frankly I'm astonished you've put up with it as long as you have. 5
Gaeta Posted April 26, 2016 Posted April 26, 2016 * Change your mean to learn Italian * Change boyfriend They are both failing you. 1
Author Ruby-Gloom Posted April 27, 2016 Author Posted April 27, 2016 * Change your mean to learn Italian * Change boyfriend They are both failing you. Why do you say both are failing?
Author Ruby-Gloom Posted April 27, 2016 Author Posted April 27, 2016 Walk, don't run, away from this guy. He's not only got serious jealousy & control issues, but apparently has a thing for underage girls (I know we don't know for sure if the girl he's talking to is underage, but she's still a teenager) Frankly I'm astonished you've put up with it as long as you have. It's not fair to say he has a thing for underage girls. As far as I know, and what I believe, is that he is simply talking with her in the hopes of making me jealous. He is not being sexual with her. I just find it disturbing that he chose a teenager to use to make me jealous.
mrldii Posted April 27, 2016 Posted April 27, 2016 Normal, healthy, well-adjusted adults (including 43-year-olds) don't do things to "get even" no matter how real or serious the other person's slight was. This fact alone would make me end any relationship I had with him, as people who aren't normal, healthy, well-adjusted adults rarely exhibit that they aren't in just one arena. I wouldn't stick around to find out his other ways of proving it. Best of luck to you, OP... 7
basil67 Posted April 27, 2016 Posted April 27, 2016 It must be said that I have very little time for jealous people. However, I think you're making a bad choice learning Italian in a situation where you frequently get hit on. I recognise that you're not taking any of these guys up on it, but there's still an underlying 'ick' factor in what's going on. Surely there are other ways to converse in Italian without being hit on frequently. For example, I had female penpals over the years who practiced their English with me. That said, I wouldn't continue with a man who behaves as yours does. Between the jealousy and vindictiveness and using a poor teenager for his own devices he's a bad choice. 2
Author Ruby-Gloom Posted April 27, 2016 Author Posted April 27, 2016 It must be said that I have very little time for jealous people. However, I think you're making a bad choice learning Italian in a situation where you frequently get hit on. I recognise that you're not taking any of these guys up on it, but there's still an underlying 'ick' factor in what's going on. Surely there are other ways to converse in Italian without being hit on frequently. For example, I had female penpals over the years who practiced their English with me. That said, I wouldn't continue with a man who behaves as yours does. Between the jealousy and vindictiveness and using a poor teenager for his own devices he's a bad choice. I understand what you are saying, but it has only been a small number of guys that have attempted to hit on me. More often, the way you can tell that a guy is interested in more than language is if he loses interest after I mention having a boyfriend. I don't need dozens of people to chat with, only a small handful. I have recently set my online status to invisible to prevent more people from messaging me. I have told a few people that are truly interested in learning to message me even if I appear offline. Also, based on the number of pictures this girl posts of herself, it would be my guess that she enjoys any attention. So I'm not sure the "poor teenager" part necessarily applies. I don't really that she would mind, if she did know what was going on. (Of course I can't say for sure)
Author Ruby-Gloom Posted April 27, 2016 Author Posted April 27, 2016 I do appreciate everyone's opinions and think the advice is valid. I think that leaving would be a valid and logical choice. But on the flip side... Does anyone have any advice on how to help him get over his jealous insecurities? I honestly believe he would do almost anything to keep me in his life, but I don't know how to make him understand that he is at a serious risk of losing me. There are many things love about this man, but his behavior and mentality are pushing me away.
dreamingoftigers Posted April 27, 2016 Posted April 27, 2016 He has been extremely jealous of threatened by other guys since the beginning of our relationship. Even with friends I have had since before I even knew him. At one point he expected me to break off friendships with all my old male friends. And it's not like I'm talking about a thousand guys...more like 3. And these friendships are the keeping in touch through Skype and Facebook type friends...I'm not even hanging out with them in person. On our first trip together I came out of the shower in our hotel room to find him with my cell phone in his hands. He passed it off as just "checking out what kind of phone I had," but later I saw that all of my messaging apps were open. I have almost broken up with him before...and since then I HAVE noticed a change in his behavior...but then things like this happen. I just feel so tired, like I'm constantly struggling to prove that I'm worth trusting. Even though he always says the good ol' "I trust you, it's the guys I don't trust." I thought since this sounded so ridiculous that you guys were in highschool. Or maybe about 19 years old. I was going to tell you to dump him then. I was shocked to read that this was the behaviour of a 43 year-old man! I am really dumbfounded by that. By the way, the crazy jealousy, accusations, getting even crap, trying to stop you from having ANY male friends etc is classic abuse BS. I also think it is a projection. Whenever I have seen this kind of crap, including with my own father toward my mother, it is because THEY act really scummy. My father actually hired someone to watch my mother and tried to limit her visiting her brother that she hadn't seen in a decade. Why? Because when she was in high school, her brother set her up on dates. So clearly, if she went to visit her BROTHER, it must be because after 40 years together and 3 children, that she was hoping some old high school friends of my Uncles were hanging around. :rolleyes: What was actually happening? My father was knee-deep in his own affair, seeing how easy it was to be a cheating arsehole, and suspecting that my mother, therefore, would be up to the same. Your bf is so immature it is nauseating. And really, getting into a relationship to wait and give someone "space to change" is really unhealthy. You get into a relationship with an adult that has their values etc. and you either accept or don't accept them. You don't go wading in, trying to renovate a person. It RARELY works. And at 43, I wouldn't hold my breath anyway. He's triangulating with a teenager...... that's who your boyfriend is. 6
katiegrl Posted April 27, 2016 Posted April 27, 2016 OP when he behaves that way, please just ignore him! He is just looking for a reaction.... that is the ONLY reason why he does this. Answer? DON'T give him one! Just ignore him.... or simply respond "that's nice," and change the subject and go about your business. I wouldn't give it a second thought, seriously.... you know exactly why he does this, which sort of defeats the entire purpose of him doing it. 1
Author Ruby-Gloom Posted April 27, 2016 Author Posted April 27, 2016 OP when he behaves that way, please just ignore him! He is just looking for a reaction.... that is the ONLY reason why he does this. Answer? DON'T give him one! Just ignore him.... or simply respond "that's nice," and change the subject and go about your business. I wouldn't give it a second thought, seriously.... you know exactly why he does this, which sort of defeats the entire purpose of him doing it. This is exactly how I have been handling this current situation. If he tries to talk about this girl I handle it with sort of polite disinterest..."that's nice" If I have any kind of reaction I know he will read it as jealousy, and that's what he's looking for. But I can't ignore his behavior forever, this is a serious problem he has.
Buddhist Posted April 27, 2016 Posted April 27, 2016 After days of being grumpy and saying he couldn't believe I would "do this to him" he started making threats. "How would you like it if I went on there and starting talking to girls??" Or "maybe I'll go find a Japanese girl to teach me Japanese." As I read this I imagined your BF is about 20, or possibly even a teenager. was just a random choice, lol" is how he put it. His "random choice" is a 19 year old Japanese girl who looks 14 Making me jealous and "paying me back" are clearly his intentions here, This whole situation has instead made me feel a bit queasy and has given me a bit of a pervy vibe from him. I know he likes younger women, and I am 14 years younger than him...but the fact that he chose a teenager for his game just really disturbs me. As soon as you said he's 43 I snorted tea through my nose. I can see why you are disturbed. Your 43yr old boyfriend has the maturity of a teenager. Apparently the last 30yrs of his life was a total waste of time as far as growing up was concerned. His mentality has always been about "payback." He once said to me, "If someone hurts me, I'm gonna hurt back and I'm gonna hurt harder." Read that back to yourself again, out loud. Who else in life generally has this kind of attitude? I'll give you a hint.......children. So now I'm not really sure what to do about the situation. I think you know exactly what to do about the situation. You appear to be dating a teenaged boy inhabiting an adult body. If 30yrs in the big wide world has not taught him some maturity there seems little hope of it ever occurring. For my money if I was dating a brain that young I'd want a body closer to the age of it. This *may* be acceptable, excusable in a college aged kid. It's just plain embarrassing in a middle aged man. 10
dumbass2 Posted April 27, 2016 Posted April 27, 2016 I don't think he is going to change as long as he knows you'll stick with him. You've already let it be know on your end that it's been an issue for you. It's been 3 years and he still has issues and this recent one is very telling about him. This not not something a mature adult does. This is a big red flag. Sometimes people wont change until they lose something that really meant a lot to them. There has to be consequences to bad habits and actions that really really upset you. It's called having boundaries and not letting them be crossed. Once they are without consequence, it's very hard to re-establish them. 5
Emilia Posted April 27, 2016 Posted April 27, 2016 The part of me that is upset with him appreciates this question. But part of me has to say that it's not as simple as that. There are other qualities that I like about him...I've been trying to give him a chance to change...and he has changed a lot. But after three years I'm wondering if jealousy, insecurity, and possessiveness are just too engrained into who he is. But this is what I don't get about people that stay with arseholes. No-one is 100% bad all the time, I'm sure Hitler or Stalin had their good moments too. Doesn't this just make you think that you don't respect yourself enough? 2
basil67 Posted April 27, 2016 Posted April 27, 2016 Read that back to yourself again, out loud. Who else in life generally has this kind of attitude? I'll give you a hint.......children. And even more alarmingly, HIS children will have this attitude because of his role modelling. Do you really want this to be your children's future? 3
Buddhist Posted April 27, 2016 Posted April 27, 2016 The trouble is, a lot of people go into relationships thinking they can negotiate the other person into being what they want. You can't. Your BF is basically insecure, jealous and immature. That much is evident from what you tell us. This isn't a case of well he's a great guy but leaves the dirty coffee cups in the sink kind of thing. This is, I like some things about him but he lacks the basics to conduct a useful relationship with me (or anyone really). There comes a point at which someone's foibles do become deal breakers. Only you can decide when that point is. But there is basically nothing you can do to make your BF less insecure or jealous because those personality traits come down to emotional growth, not compromise and negotiation. In short, he lacks the tools to be BF material. You can't negotiate that away. 3
Lois_Griffin Posted April 27, 2016 Posted April 27, 2016 Well OP, you say you're 14 years younger than your boyfriend, so I'm guessing you're around 29 years old. You also say he likes his women young (that would be because mature ladies his own age would never settle for his childish bullsh*t). I can see this guy going to bars when he's 60 trying to hit on the 30 year olds and being laughed at by them as he strikes out over and over again. Over the years I've seen this happen so many times - and it's pitiful to watch every single time I see it. Why are you wasting your time with some middle-aged emotionally stunted fool who lacks the ability to interact with women his own age and thinks it's perfectly acceptable to 'befriend' a young teenage girl for his own immature purposes? The fact that he likes Asian women (and likes his women young) just makes it that much more nauseating. You're 29, OP. It's not like you're stuck with this guy because you have kids with him and you're financially dependent on him and like some middle aged women, fear that no one will ever want you again. That's not your situation. You're young and vibrant and intelligent - you still have plenty of time to find a decent man closer to your own age whose mature and well adjusted and isn't an emotionally stunted science project. It's not your JOB to fix this guy. And you're not going to 'fix' him by asking a bunch of internet strangers what you can do to make him stop acting like a fool. It's HIS job to fix himself, and apparently, he thinks he's just fine (they always do). One of the hard lessons you're going to learn in life is that you can't fix someone else. It's an exercise in futility. There's a reason this guy is single at 43 (or divorced or whatever). There's a reason for it. 4
Emilia Posted April 27, 2016 Posted April 27, 2016 Oh I missed the age gap. I am 43 years old, OP and I like younger men so I get your boyfriend's attraction to youth. My advice is really to find someone around your age if you want a family. Don't hang around some guy in his 40s who has had PLENTY of life experiences to teach him to be a better person. He is the way he is by choice. Find a good guy in his late 20s/early 30s. Good luck. 1
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