Just need to talk about it.

[SquaredCircles]

Hi everyone,

I am new to this forum. Unfortunately I came here because my ex and I have recently separated (one week).

 

I don't really have anyone to talk to except two or three family members and a friend. Though I feel like when I talk to them, it is mostly to discuss what's next, not what happened or how I feel. The only shoulder I had is now gone.

 

To be honest, I accept all the blame of this breakup.

 

We have been together for over 5 years, when I was about to turn 22. She is my most serious relationship. Until a week, I still thought she was the woman of my life. We lived like a married couple (don't believe in marriage), bought a house together, made plans for the future, lived dependently with each other. We had just came back from vacation, a few weeks trip on the other side of the world. I can't say that I thought everything was fine, because it wasn't, but I surely did not expect her to leave me. We always talked about it, and tried to resolve our differences, but never found a solution.

 

We had plans - still made plans until that day she told me she couldn't take it anymore.

 

She felt like she was not the right woman for me, that I wasn't showing her enough that I loved her (sex, affection, cooking). I do not want to justify my lack of actions in her eyes, and maybe it is best that we do part ways, but I still feel like an emptiness inside me. I want this thought that I could've done something to keep her go away. I do not want to try to force her to stay, because now I know how unhappy she was. This thought just keeps creeping back.

 

I do not know if she knows I truly love her, because of how little I show it (to her eyes). I think she always doubted it.

Not to justify my lack of actions, but I was raised in another culture, where lovers do not necessarily show love the usual Western way. I show her my love through trust, respect, and by always being there for her. I have very low libido. Have never cheated or thought about cheating, have never talked being her back or criticized her to any one else but her (not harshly, just to discuss our differences).

 

I thought she knew who I was and that she would accept me this way, because we have been together all these years, but maybe unconsciously I knew this was coming.

Today I realize, love is not about what you do not do, but what you DO for your partner.

 

I love her, and now we're not together anymore. Reflecting back on it, I think I could've done something differently, and I tried, and she tried, but we are just not someone the other could live with forever. I felt pressured of having sex, to loving it and always wanting it. I am just not like that.

 

She felt like I wasn't showing her that I wanted her, that she was nothing more than my best friend. Imagine the sexual tension.

 

Now that I am single, I am telling myself that maybe I should consider celibacy for the rest of my life. I just think because of the person I am, maybe I will always have this problem. I have tried to make it work for years, and I failed.

 

Sex is a normal thing in a relationship, but it is something I do not need or necessarily want often. We are caught in very tiring schedules in a very depressing time to live and I just have so much on my mind. Even when we started dating, I told her flat out that I could not care for her the way she might want me to. At first it was like she was okay with it. Eventually it became a weight on her shoulders.

 

In the past week, I went through anger, sadness, bitterness, denial and regret... I just need some peace.

 

I want to find a way to apologize to her. Not to get her back, but simply I know somewhere along the way, I stopped giving enough, and I used the excuse of my personality to avoid having to change. I did not ask anything from her, but she is the type to always be there. I killed our love with my passiveness and I only have myself to blame.

 

Now we live in the same house until I find somewhere to go. We have built so much around "us" that it makes it even harder to move on.

 

I am still somewhere in between digesting the negative feelings, and accepting to move on.

 

Thanks for reading.

 

-Circles

[d0nnivain]

Hang in there.

 

There is no good way to apologize. She won't "hear" you or accept what you have to say at this point.

 

It's not all your fault. Break ups never are. If she had wanted to save this, should could have worked harder to accept you for who you are too.

 

Because you bought a house together, you do have to talk about "what's next". Somebody has to buy the other one out & you have to get one of you off the deed & the mortgage. You can't let those legal things slide & you don't get the luxury of NC until that is complete. You could communicate though lawyers if you really can't be civil but that will be expensive.

 

The fact that you were together since you were teens makes this tough. She is the only relationship you know as adults. Had you asked before I would have cautioned you not to make a house purchase together because it was more likely then not that your relationship wouldn't survive the transition to adulthood but as you were doing this it's unlikely you would have listened to such advice.

 

Grieve this loss but don't let it ruin your whole life. Do think about what's next for you.

[Amy4663]

Hi Squared Circles,

I am so sorry about the break up. It sounds like you really cared for this young lady. I actually think that many of the things you wrote in your post, she would like to hear when she is ready and maybe the two of you can have a talk and gain closure and understanding. I know that you mentioned that you do not have any friends to lean on, but is there a local support group you could find where you can go and talk with others going through the same thing? This way you can have a place to vent with people who will be supportive. I am praying that you are able to find some peace in this situation and also that the two of you have the opportunity to sort things out and end as friends. I wish you nothing but the best.