Still have feelings for ex-partner who I work with

[Annat]

I can´t seem to get my ex-partner out of my head. We were friends, we tried a relationship, it was awful. It absolutely didn´t work, bearing in mind that I am used to having relationships and he isnt. In fact he´s 34 and hasn´t ever had one that lasted more then 4 months, I´m a kind of serial monogamist. We´re both in our mid 30s. He´s emotionally very closed and has many hang ups due to his extreme catholic up bringing. Didn´t have a girlfriend until he was 25. The first time we got it together he told me that he had only been in love once before and it didnt work out, that was 8 years ago, and she never loved him and treated him badly. But he said, "I will always love her and I don´t think anything will ever come close to how I felt for her". She now is married, has a child and lives on another continent. I let it pass..maybe I shouldn´t have done as it is a very odd thing to share pre-coitus. But I told him we all have had a past. Anyway, things were not the best. Sexually he is not very experienced and not very open to guidance. He´s also kind of thoughtless and rude, although he wasn´t when we were platonic. My dog died and he suggested we watch a porno. I told him once of a sexual abuse incident and that Id prefer it if he didn´t pull my hair, and his response was, "well, the last girl I was with loved that. It used to turn her on". So things were not great. He then said he wanted to have an open relationship, so that he could hook up with other girls he liked and maybe even a man if he felt like it. So I ended it. That would be the end of that if it were not for the fact that we work together. And it is has been a month since it ended and we see each other pretty much every day. I have tried to be mature about it, and be cool and platonic. We chat a bit. He told me that he likes such a such a girl from work, and that he´d be open to a threesome with a couple that we also work with and Im like, yeh fine, whatever. I have just met someone else and have started dating. It´s fine, just a distraction really. I won´t be marrying him. So since I told him this, my ex has been round to my house in the middle of night wanting to hook up, he sends me messages that he wants to hook up. how beautiful I am etc etc. So i lost it the other day and said- ENOUGH! Stop it! And his response was "Chill out, they´re just words on the wind, it doesn´t mean anything". Anyway, he´s been on holiday for a week and he´s back in 2 days. I can´t deal with my feelings. I´m so angry at him for his behaviour, but we work together - in a team of three (!) and there´s no getting out of that. I don´t know how to deal with it. I don´t know if I´m so angry because I still want him. I don´t know if there´s potential for him to change, although I sincerely doubt it. The little he has told me about his past suggests, suffering on the part of all the girls involved. He says that he´s been called cruel and heartless before and I can believe it. He even told me this kind of proudly. I would love never to see him again, but I see him every day and so can´t get him out of my head. It doesn´t help that I´m physically attracted to him still. It´s not nice to see him flirting with the other girls at work. Our common friends, when Ive tried to discuss this, just don´t believe he can be as he has been, as he seems such a nice guy. Anyway, that´s it really. Any advice would be much appreciated. It has certainly helped writing it all down.

[fitnessfan365]

I'm trying not to be judgemental. I just want to understand your thought process.

 

But you openly admit how terrible it was. I mean this is a guy who suggested watching porn together after you tell him that your dog died. So he sounds like he has sociopathic tendencies with lack of empathy, as well as wanting to sleep with multiple women when you're into monogamy. So I'm just curious as to how you could still have feelings for the guy. I mean I could see if it was mostly good and it ended over a silly argument or something like that. But it doesn't sound like there is one thing about this guy that is positive.

[Annat]

yes it´s true. there is not one good thing i can say about my experience with him. maybe that´s what it is. I´m not used to having bad experiences. Even if things don´t work out it´s all usually very respectful. But this is something else. I´say I can´t get over him, but I can´t get over his behaviour and how he´s such a jerk. the other day we were leaving work together and i tripped and fell. He was right next to me. I tripped and fell and he didnt say or do anything. Two strangers passing by came up to ask me if I was ok and were like, sit down, take the weight off your foot while my ex said and did nothing. So i told him to go, "it´s ok, i´ll be fine". and he said ok and left. He then came back 5 mins later and said he would help me home. He insisted, and then at my door he asked if he could come up. This is what we´re dealing with here. And I get so mad that he´s such a jerk and I have to be nice to him at work. Like I say I would love never to see him again, but that isn´t going to happen. I´m stuck with him. I´m sure in time it will get better, but I don´t know how to deal with my seething rage at what an idiot he is and how I let him in my bed. This anger is not good...

[FastHands]

I can´t seem to get my ex-partner out of my head. We were friends, we tried a relationship, it was awful. It absolutely didn´t work, bearing in mind that I am used to having relationships and he isnt. In fact he´s 34 and hasn´t ever had one that lasted more then 4 months, I´m a kind of serial monogamist. We´re both in our mid 30s. He´s emotionally very closed and has many hang ups due to his extreme catholic up bringing. Didn´t have a girlfriend until he was 25. The first time we got it together he told me that he had only been in love once before and it didnt work out, that was 8 years ago, and she never loved him and treated him badly. But he said, "I will always love her and I don´t think anything will ever come close to how I felt for her". She now is married, has a child and lives on another continent. I let it pass..maybe I shouldn´t have done as it is a very odd thing to share pre-coitus. But I told him we all have had a past. Anyway, things were not the best. Sexually he is not very experienced and not very open to guidance. He´s also kind of thoughtless and rude, although he wasn´t when we were platonic. My dog died and he suggested we watch a porno. I told him once of a sexual abuse incident and that Id prefer it if he didn´t pull my hair, and his response was, "well, the last girl I was with loved that. It used to turn her on". So things were not great. He then said he wanted to have an open relationship, so that he could hook up with other girls he liked and maybe even a man if he felt like it. So I ended it. That would be the end of that if it were not for the fact that we work together. And it is has been a month since it ended and we see each other pretty much every day. I have tried to be mature about it, and be cool and platonic. We chat a bit. He told me that he likes such a such a girl from work, and that he´d be open to a threesome with a couple that we also work with and Im like, yeh fine, whatever. I have just met someone else and have started dating. It´s fine, just a distraction really. I won´t be marrying him. So since I told him this, my ex has been round to my house in the middle of night wanting to hook up, he sends me messages that he wants to hook up. how beautiful I am etc etc. So i lost it the other day and said- ENOUGH! Stop it! And his response was "Chill out, they´re just words on the wind, it doesn´t mean anything". Anyway, he´s been on holiday for a week and he´s back in 2 days. I can´t deal with my feelings. I´m so angry at him for his behaviour, but we work together - in a team of three (!) and there´s no getting out of that. I don´t know how to deal with it. I don´t know if I´m so angry because I still want him. I don´t know if there´s potential for him to change, although I sincerely doubt it. The little he has told me about his past suggests, suffering on the part of all the girls involved. He says that he´s been called cruel and heartless before and I can believe it. He even told me this kind of proudly. I would love never to see him again, but I see him every day and so can´t get him out of my head. It doesn´t help that I´m physically attracted to him still. It´s not nice to see him flirting with the other girls at work. Our common friends, when Ive tried to discuss this, just don´t believe he can be as he has been, as he seems such a nice guy. Anyway, that´s it really. Any advice would be much appreciated. It has certainly helped writing it all down.

 

What exactly are feelings? I mean what is it that made you have feelings? I'm just curious in your honest opinion what are feelings to you? And how do you still have them even if he's your ex?

Edited April 27, 2016 by FastHands