what is the next move?

[Bravedave]

I was in a relationship for about 7 months with a woman. We were perfect together in the sense of personality traits and qualities she liked in a man. She said this break up hurt her because she never met a man like me.

 

About 3 months ago I was going through some deep mental issues and depression and I was picking fights for no reason. She was my rock, she cared for me, picked me up when I was down, loyal etc. I basically told her I didn’t have feelings or loved her anymore because I was going through too much emotionally. I told her to leave me and let me get my head straight, she did so to respect my feelings althought she pushed to stay with me.

 

2 weeks later I realized I made a horrible mistake and tried getting her back, we still fought because the issues hadn’t been taken care of, and out of the midst of a petty fight I said it again, I cant be with you right now. That crushed her,

 

I respected her wishes to not contact her, however after 2 weeks I caved, she said she was so hurt by me she was guarded and needed space which I did not give. We still talked and everything was getting better, texting, hanging out occasionally. She was still guarded, but making progress.

 

1 week ago, I went out with friends and partied so hard it turned her off the next day. She ignored me all Monday, until I texted her asking if she was ignoring me. I finally called her and she said she cares misses me, but still cant get over the anger and hurt, and cant control her feelings. I asked her if there was someone else, and she said she wouldn’t be on the phone with me if there was. she said she wanted to be alone, and time for herself to be selfish. I asked her If I should move on and she said stop asking me that it would be selfish for me to do. and I obliged her wishes and told her I would leave her be. she told me she wanted to be alone. I respected her wishes and started no contact.

 

I had sent her flowers on Monday during the day (before we had the talk on Monday night), so she got them at work on Tuesday when I agreed to leave her be. She sent me a text saying I just got your flowers, thank you for sending the flowers they are beautiful. i replied NP take care of yourself xoxo.

 

Did I lose her for good? do I have a chance? this is the woman I want to marry, and I will do ANYTHING to get her back please help!

Edited April 26, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs ~T

[LD1990]

Why exactly did partying turn her off? What did you do?

 

It sounds like you need to focus on yourself and your own issues. You've already broken up once, gotten back together and then broken up again because, as you yourself said, the issues aren't fixed. You're going to keep having the same problems even if you do get her back without figuring out your underlying problems first.

[mikeylo]

You can break up and get back together and rinse repeat cycle as many times as you like till you break up for good or stay together for good. Former will happen if you get back without solving the reason/issues that led to break up.If you solve them , there wont be a second break up.

 

Since you are the one who has issues, resolve them and get her back. If you are partying hard and giving 2 ****s that you guys broke up then obviously she is not going to give time of the day!

 

You either want her or you dont.To me it seems like that you want her but are not ready to fix yourself.

[d0nnivain]

problem is until your issues are fully resolved, which they won't be without professional intervention, you have no business trying to make this work.

 

You pushed her away twice now. Why on earth would she want to risk having the rug pulled out from underneath her a 3rd time?

[Bravedave]

Thanks for the replies guys.

 

 

yes basically I was hanging around with some people and was due to substance abuse. These are the changes I instituted. and intent on not deviating from it. she was the person leaving that made me click in my head that I need to change.

 

 

going to AA regularly

seeing a therapist regularly

KILLING it at my job

volunteered as BIG brother big sister and got accepted.

training MMA.

Staying sober and cut off those friends

 

 

I am learning to have a healthier relationship with myself and better myself so she can have the best me, and first and foremost I can be the best self. she deserves it

I know its a small time but I am committed to sticking with it. im the type of person once its in my head I go balls to the wall.

 

 

 

 

I want to almost wait until 30 days and write a letter saying how much I care about her and how it wasn't necessarily her that made me change, but made me want to and woke me up.

 

 

I really want to marry this women, my own indecivness destroyed it. I cant explain how much I want her back in my life. she never felt this way with a man before.

 

 

 

do you think that's a good move? will I hear from her? is the letter a bad idea to go?

 

 

or accept and move on as painful as it is

Edited April 26, 2016 by Bravedave

[LD1990]

30 days isn't that much time, especially for substance abuse issues. Personally, I think at least 90 days would be better so you can really get your life sorted out. Your therapist and AA counselors may have a better idea of when you're ready, though.

[Bravedave]

90 days I feel ill lose her forever or she will move on

[LD1990]

Your first priority should be getting your life in order. Without that, a relationship won't work anyway. You've already pulled her back in twice only to have the same problems. If she's smart, she's not just gonna take you at your word that you're really intent on changing.

[Bravedave]

I realize that. And my words hold no weight right now I understand. But I don't see why writing a letter to her in 30 days just to express changes in my life. Not to jump into anything right away but to open the lines of communication

 

And just to give you an idea it was cocaine use. I do it every weekend, hell when I met her we did it. She stopped as it went on and I continued. But the problem we broke up was because I crushed her telling her I didn't love her or didn't k ow if I had feelings.

 

And I'm not making excuses here but my ****ing head wasn't definitely right. We are all human and I made a mistake and took a wonderful thing for granted. But that isn't the real dave.

[basil67]

90 days I feel ill lose her forever or she will move on

 

It's entirely likely that no matter what you do she will move on. When one hurts a person so badly, it's very common for them to start having a very strong dislike to the person who caused the upset. It's called self preservation.

 

But this doesn't mean that you shouldn't work to sort yourself out. It just means that you'll be a better man for a different woman in the future.

[basil67]

I realize that. And my words hold no weight right now I understand. But I don't see why writing a letter to her in 30 days just to express changes in my life. Not to jump into anything right away but to open the lines of communication

 

You can write the letter if you want, just don't expect it to make any difference to her.

[Bravedave]

I feel like goodwill hunting except I won't get the fairytale ending.

[sowhynot]

Honestly ?

 

I think you're giving yourself false hopes by counting up to that 30 day deadline.

 

It shouldn't be about 30, 80, whatever days - it should be about when you know that you've changed for good, you know you're not the same person with the problems, they're either behind you or you're well on top of them.

 

And that could be anytime.

 

Will she wait ?

 

Who knows.

[dumbass2]

"And I'm not making excuses here but my ****ing head wasn't definitely right. We are all human and I made a mistake and took a wonderful thing for granted. But that isn't the real dave."

 

It is the "real' dave to her right now. It will take longer than 30 days to get your problem under control. You should give her space and time to get over the anger she may have. Don't put a time frame on contacting her. If you truly love her, then get yourself totally under control and give her time to heal from this. Women will believe you when they hear that you don't love them or aren't sure. Being selfish would be you sending her that letter when you aren't ready. Open contact if you want, when you ARE ready

[Bravedave]

I know you guys all probably think I am full of ****. Which is understandable my words hold no weight.

 

I never had this fire in my hear to change for the better. And yes it's early, but you don't know how I am, once I'm Into it I go full speed. So many more changes going on I can't explain it.

 

And what the letter is ( is basically a thank you letter) I am not expecting a response. But rather just how my entire life it took HER leaving me for ME to finally make positive changes. My desire is full throttle right now. I am so on point that the changes that I'm undergoing are amazing.

 

It would basically say thank you for changing my life for the better and that I care about her. If she doesn't respond that's fine it's keeping me going to prove to myself I am changed and obviously her

 

And you can't say she wouldn't be the slightest intrigued to know what I did to

Change?

 

Obviously I wouldn't say the details in the letter. Look i firmly believe fight for love I ****ED up. I am giving her space and basically disappeared. The last thing I think she deserves is an honest letter and apology. It's more for me. Like an acceptance I moved on?

[LD1990]

Saying you have a fire in your heart and are going at this full speed are just empty words until you actually do it and stick to it. You partied hard enough to cause her to break up with you only a little over a week ago, right? After your issues already caused you to break up with her twice. Now you want to talk to her after 30 days no matter what because you don't want to lose her, even though she has asked for space and you admit the letter is more for you.

 

You're looking to take shortcuts here so you can get what you want. So far, that hasn't worked out very well. It sounds like she's at the point where she has had it with your partying, and if anything, she's probably gonna read your letter and wonder why you didn't put in all this effort when you two were actually together.

[Bravedave]

fair enough you are right. I'll let it be. If she contacts me she contacts me.

 

But I feel like she deserves an apology if anything. Maybe I'm wrong, but I feel a lot of guilt and sadness I hurt her, because I care so much about her

 

I'd like to ask you what I do when she does.

[Bravedave]

I've posted earlier and she expressed she wanted space right nos. I was the dumper until she finally said she wanted space after I beg and pleaded for her back.

 

I do love her and want to be with her.

 

Is the ball completely in her court? Or after significant time do we (dumpers) reach out?

[Miss.A]

Give her space.

 

I don't know your situation, but I do know if someone asks for space... they mean it.

 

No one can tell the future and tell you if she'll ever talk to you again. But, I do know that you need to take this time and focus on yourself. Don;t sit around a sulk for her because she might not come back. If she does, then you need to think if you really want someone who left you in the first place.

 

But, for now. Take this "space"as an indefinite thing, and heal.

[Bravedave]

I was the one who originally d umped her because of depression and my head wasn't right, tried getting back shortly afterwards but my issues weren't right, she wound up saying she needs space to be alone and cant trust me.

 

 

so in a sense I AM the dumper, but she didn't want me back. I made the mistake of rushing right back into it because I wasn't ready....

[PegNosePete]

It doesn't matter who is the dumped/dumpee. They're just labels.

 

The fact is, she already knows that you want to try again. You have told her that quite clearly when you begged and pleased for her back.

 

Asking her again will just irritate her. If she wanted you back she would say something. She knows how you feel and where you live. If she was interested she would use that information pro-actively.

 

Yes ball is in her court. Precisely.

[Bravedave]

I feel like I left the best person in my life honestly the woman I should have married due to my selfishness and commitment problems. how does one get over that feeling? knowing that you had everything you wanted and threw it away.

[Bravedave]

Hey all, I had posted my story recently about 2 weeks ago in regards to my break up. I am really having a tough time coping with the NC and my heart is screaming to reach out. (logically I know this is horrible idea) I just cant get over or accept that she could possibly be out of my life for good.

 

 

The time away though has given me perspective on everything, and although I have no one to blame but myself for originally dropping the relationship, I cant cope with the fact that I made that move. I feel like everyone comes a point in there life with a relationship like a teeter totter where it can either go one way (all the way committed or back out and break up due to fear of the unknown) I definitely opted for the second option and didn't allow myself to heal originally before reaching out again and trying I was not ready.

 

 

I have made some great progress, but my thoughts are constantly flooded of her and holding out hope. I can work etc. I keep very busy working-out, new hobbies, volunteering (trying to rid myh selfishness) therapy etc. I am 31, attractive male with a good personality. but cant even fathom dating right now, nor do I want to.

 

 

if history repeats itself she is gone for good. I know the last time we spoke she said she needed to be left alone, I was desperate and definitely sounded clingy for a fact. but I was considering after 30 days giving her a call and leaving on a more positive note and being able to close the door on MY TERMS. saying I am sorry things didn't work out, my intentions were to never hurt you. I do care about you and you will always hold a special place in my heart, I know you needed space to take care of yourself and I needed space to make some positive changes in my life as well. I want you to know that if you ever need anything you can reach out to me. and leave it like that. this way the last memory she will have would be me having a little more pride and dignity so to say.

 

 

This forum helps me cope so I appreciate everyone's responses.

[LD1990]

You say you're trying to get rid of your selfishness, but look at what you're planning here. She said she wanted to be left alone, yet you want to contact her so you can end things on your terms. It's all about satisfying yourself - you want to feel good about the way things ended and the last impression she has of you, while disregarding what she has asked of you and whether you set her healing back in the process.

 

But let's be honest, you're not doing this simply to leave on your terms. You want her back. You're trying to find a way to spark things up again without explicitly asking for her back.

 

If you tell her everything you said in your post, it's doubtful she'll suddenly change her opinion of you. She has probably heard it all before, as they're all very cliche statements that don't carry much weight to anyone who has been around the block a few times.

[Nickr3023]

I agree with LD, you're simply doing this to stroke your ego and feel better. It's harsh but it's true. Just continue on your no contact path, and it gets easier. I haven't spoken to my ex since December, the other day she popped up in someone's Snapchat video and it hit me for about 10 minutes and it simply disappeared. But it took doing NC to do that. Give it time and keep doing what you're doing. Better yourself for the next girl.