Should I or shouldn't I

[KamaKyzie]

Hey there loveshack. I've got my game back and I feel great. My swagger has returned and I'm back in my groove (sorry if that sounds cringe-worthy). However, I have another dilemma. Let me explain it as succinctly as I can.

 

There's this nice looking girl I'm in with (see "back in my groove") at university and I'm thinking of dating her. We've been talking and hanging out and she's very fun loving and playful. However, my friends are warning me against going any further with her and here's what they think.

 

Firstly, I'm 19 and she's 23. One of my friends knew a guy who dated her and says she cheated on him multiple times. I was having a chat with one of her friends yesterday and she let slip that she had cheated on 2 other guys apart from the one my friend mentioned. When I pressed her she let slip that one of the affairs was with a married university professor. So this is 3 times she has cheated on previous boyfriends. However, I'm hanging onto hope that she's changed. I can have good conversations with her and she seems to genuinely care about me. My girl-friend said to me yesterday that I would be foolish to enter into anything with this girl, as I will get burned. I casually brought up ex flames the other day

 

I have little to no life experience with proper romantic relationships, as most of mine have been quite shallow and short lived. I would like people's opinion based on their experiences as to whether I should give this girl a chance or not. Have you seen this type of thing happen before?

 

Thanks again guys. I really like this girl, but am having doubts now based on what I've heard. But I believe she can change.

 

What do you think?

[Popsicle]

No she can't. A one time cheater can change, but a serial cheater can not. I've never seen it happen. Cut your loses.

[Satu]

People can change, but only if they want to.

 

If you are thinking that you can change her, forget it. You can't.

 

Every decision in life is a gamble.

 

You have to decide for yourself if her past behaviour makes her a good bet or not.

 

To my eye, she seems a very poor bet.

 

 

Take care.

[PegNosePete]

The best indicator of future performance, is past performance.

 

There is no way would I date someone who has cheated multiple times.

[ad4m]

No she can't. A one time cheater can change, but a serial cheater can not. I've never seen it happen. Cut your loses.

 

Agree. There's a difference between cheating once and cheating on multiple occasions.

 

Cheating once is a mistake, cheating multiple times is a habit.

 

You need to find someone who can be committed to you in a relationship. Listen to the advice people are giving you.

[KamaKyzie]

No she can't. A one time cheater can change, but a serial cheater can not. I've never seen it happen. Cut your loses.

 

Do you think there's any chance the university professor took advantage of her? That it wasn't her fault?

 

She hinted today she'd like to take it to the next step, my friends are still urging me to pull out now before the inevitable car crash that they think will happen.

 

Oh the dilemma.

[almond]

You've just got your "groove" back as you say. One of the very best ways to have it torn away and ripped to shreds is to be cheated on and made a fool of in front of all of your friends.

 

Multiple people are warning you about this girl. She has a strong reputation for being a liar and a cheat, with no respect for herself or others. If you ignore their advice and try for a relationship anyway, you're going to look desperate and foolish.

 

I don't believe that you should let others make your decisions for you, but if all of your friends are saying the same thing then chances are there is some truth to it. Your friends are trying to help you...listen to them.

[Popsicle]

Do you think there's any chance the university professor took advantage of her? That it wasn't her fault?

 

No.

 

Popsicle

[KamaKyzie]

You've just got your "groove" back as you say. One of the very best ways to have it torn away and ripped to shreds is to be cheated on and made a fool of in front of all of your friends.

 

Multiple people are warning you about this girl. She has a strong reputation for being a liar and a cheat, with no respect for herself or others. If you ignore their advice and try for a relationship anyway, you're going to look desperate and foolish.

 

I don't believe that you should let others make your decisions for you, but if all of your friends are saying the same thing then chances are there is some truth to it. Your friends are trying to help you...listen to them.

I have just had lengthy conversation with this girl. I told her that I do not think that we are a good fit but I wish her nothing but happiness in the future. She then broke down in tears and said that something has changed since we last spoke. I asked her if she denies having an affair with a married university professor and she said no. She says that she was broken and looking for someone to love her. She says he took advantage of her being broken. I then brought up the previous two boyfriends she cheated on. Again, she said that they took advantage of her being in an emotional state and using her for sex, hence why she was driven to cheating. She says that I am the one that she's been looking for, someone who values her. She begged me to ring her tomorrow to say that I've rethought things.

 

After hearing this, I am having doubts. What if she is telling the truth? I feel awful judging her on past indiscretions that I was not personally around to witness. I'm torn. Yes, I'm back in my groove, you are correct and I do not want to ruin it. I fell confident, and it's showing in my results.

 

My question is: Should I let her emotional outburst influence my decision? Have you seen this happen before? Could she be telling the truth? I'm tempted to ring her and tell her I've rethought. But I also do not want to look "desperate and foolish" as you said. Sorry if I sound annoying see sawing on my decision. But should this change anything?

[KamaKyzie]

No.

 

Popsicle

What say you popsicle? Sorry to tag you in, but I also value your input.

[PegNosePete]

she said that they took advantage of her being in an emotional state and using her for sex, hence why she was driven to cheating.

Err, what? She was not "driven" to cheating. If she felt her partner was taking advantage and using her for sex, she could have just broken up, or - hey I don't know - talked to her partner about it? Going and getting sex elsewhere makes no sense whatsoever. It shows her method of conflict resolution is totally unhealthy. It shows she has no communication skills and would rather cheat than have a grown-up conversation with a committed partner.

 

Could she be telling the truth?

No, she's making excuses for her bad behaviour rather than owning it. Justifying her behaviour shows that she still has the same mind-set, that if the same situation were to happen again (relationship difficulties), she would handle it the same way (cheating).

 

I would have more respect for her if she said that yes she had made some bad decisions that she really regretted, but she has learned that what she did was totally the wrong way to resolve relationship difficulties, and she has learned that cheating is always wrong. If she said that then maybe I would be tempted to give her a chance. But she didn't say that, she fed you a line, justifying her behaviour. So yeah, I would still bail.

[almond]

I have just had lengthy conversation with this girl. I told her that I do not think that we are a good fit but I wish her nothing but happiness in the future. She then broke down in tears and said that something has changed since we last spoke. I asked her if she denies having an affair with a married university professor and she said no. She says that she was broken and looking for someone to love her. She says he took advantage of her being broken. I then brought up the previous two boyfriends she cheated on. Again, she said that they took advantage of her being in an emotional state and using her for sex, hence why she was driven to cheating. She says that I am the one that she's been looking for, someone who values her. She begged me to ring her tomorrow to say that I've rethought things.

 

After hearing this, I am having doubts. What if she is telling the truth? I feel awful judging her on past indiscretions that I was not personally around to witness. I'm torn. Yes, I'm back in my groove, you are correct and I do not want to ruin it. I fell confident, and it's showing in my results.

 

My question is: Should I let her emotional outburst influence my decision? Have you seen this happen before? Could she be telling the truth? I'm tempted to ring her and tell her I've rethought. But I also do not want to look "desperate and foolish" as you said. Sorry if I sound annoying see sawing on my decision. But should this change anything?

 

She takes zero responsibility for her own actions, and goes on to make some very serious accusations against three men.

 

Being "broken" is not an excuse. And even if she has been cheating because she's broken, I can guarantee you that she has not done anywhere near enough work or taken enough time to fix herself.

 

Do you want to be the next guy she goes around telling people about...how you "took advantage" of her if things don't go her way somehow?

 

I'd stick with the choice to pass on this girl, but your real life friends have all urged you to do the same, you know you'll look silly going for her, you know you could get crushed...yet, you still want her.

 

Some people just need to learn the hard way unfortunately.

[Popsicle]

What say you popsicle? Sorry to tag you in, but I also value your input.

 

You're going to be the next guy who took advantage of her in her poor delicate flower state...

 

Those guys in the past fell for this just like you are. And then she will be telling the next guy after you, that you took advantage of her delicate emotional state and they will feel so sorry for her and think that you're a jerk.

[gimlynick]

Unlike the other people around here I want to say: try it!

 

It's your gut feeling that matters, not ours or the one of your friends.

 

Keep in mind that she has cheated a lot in the past. Talk about this with her before you go further into it.

Don't try to overrush stuff, just stay healthy, date with her, look how she is acting.

If she truly cares about you she will not cheat.

 

Just go for it, live the life, have some fun with her! She has to be hot if she got all this going on. Just don't try to fall in love, so stick that 'she can cheat on me' in your head, and keep stuff casual.

[KamaKyzie]

Just letting everyone know that I ended it. Well, to be more accurate, stopped things from ever taking off. I have made the decision to take people's advice and nip it in the bud. My heart told me she could change, my head told me she couldn't. I went with my head.

 

Hopefully I've saved myself some heartbreak/trouble. Thanks for your advice guys.

 

Just one more question: I got a text from her saying that if she kills herself it's my fault. I don't want anyone to kill themselves over me, so I'm tempted to try and reassure her but I haven't responded yet. What should I say/do? I will feel awful if she does kill herself.

 

Thanks guys.

[PegNosePete]

Just one more question: I got a text from her saying that if she kills herself it's my fault. I don't want anyone to kill themselves over me, so I'm tempted to try and reassure her but I haven't responded yet. What should I say/do? I will feel awful if she does kill herself.

Wow, she's emotionally unstable. You definitely dodged a bullet there mate. If she uses this kind of emotional manipulation then imagine what she'd be like in a relationship. This certainly proves you made the right decision NOT to get involved! What a nightmare that would have been, even if she didn't cheat!

 

If she chooses to end her life then it is a tragedy but it is HER decision and HER decision alone. She is an adult, not your dependent or responsibility. I would respond: "Sorry, I am not interested in a relationship with you. Please seek help if you're feeling suicidal". Then BLOCK her.

[gimlynick]

Yeah she is unstable.

 

Someone who says this kind of stuff doesn't to it... It's the silent people who have big depressions who really kill themselves. Not an "attention seeker" - sorry for the vocabulary -.

 

Good job in not going into something with this girl, you dodged a big bullet.

Edited May 1, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[KamaKyzie]

Thanks folks. All sorted. I just replied "I'm sorry to hear that, if you are feeling like this please seek help. All the best for the future". I have blocked and deleted her phone number.

 

Cheers everyone

[Fused]

dont save her. she dont wanna be saved

 

just look at your friend that she cheated on. was he a good guy? yes? well she couldn't give less fcks. she still cheated. glad you moved on

[almond]

Thanks folks. All sorted. I just replied "I'm sorry to hear that, if you are feeling like this please seek help. All the best for the future". I have blocked and deleted her phone number.

 

Cheers everyone

 

Smart boy